Takes

The Bills are the #1 team in the league right now

My current BCS rankings have the Cardinals and the Bills, one and two. [But] the fun fact about the Bills, they have double the point differential than the second team not named the Cardinals... The Bills are plus 108. They are fucking killing people. We can agree. Bills should be at the top.

The Red Sox will beat the Yankees 6-4 in the 2021 American League Wild Card game

I think it's going to be Red Sox 6, Yankees 4. Take the over. Red Sox money line.

The Buccaneers are going to kill the Patriots on Sunday Night Football

I think I do agree with you that the [Buccaneers] are probably gonna kill the Patriots. Do you think they're going to? The [Buccaneers] are sick. Yeah.

Kirk Cousins will turn back into a 'pumpkin' on Halloween against the Cowboys

I've actually identified exactly when [Kirk Cousins] is going to turn back into old Kirk Cousins... Halloween. I think he's going to have the entire month of October this year, and then on Halloween he's playing in against the Cowboys and he's got some tougher defenses that he's going to be going up against.

The Eagles are being slept on and will likely win 11 games because no one expected it

I just think the Eagles have been slept on a little bit. I think their offensive line and defensive line are very good. And we went kind of deciding how the NFC East was going to go. Wouldn't it be perfect for the NFC East if the team that was least talked about going into the season? That's what always happens. All right, yeah, so they'll probably go 11-6 somehow.

I will 'wipe Jose Canseco off the face of the earth' and force him to retire from public life

If I beat up Jose Canseco and he loses his fight, I don't see how he can even show his face in public again. So I'm literally wiping him off the face of the earth. We're never going to hear from him again.

Frank Ragnow should sit out the rest of the season because playing with a fractured throat for a 5-11 Lions team is a losing proposition

Frank Ragnow who played last game for the Lions with a fractured throat... Frank, Calvin Johnson retired, Barry Sanders retired. They realized that this was a losing proposition to be on the Detroit Lions. You have a fractured throat on a 5 and 11 team. You can sit there. It's a weird throat to die on. No one would blame you if you sat out for the rest of the season.

The Bills are going to crush the Steelers

I think the Bills are going to crush them, actually.

Michael Thomas is a terrible fit for Jameis Winston's deep-passing skill set

I can't think of a wide receiver that fits Jameis Winston's skill set less than Michael Thomas. Just running slants, just going as close to linebackers as possible. Bad, bad. Yeah, just tell him, I know that your captain slant runs straight downfield. Go deep, go deep.

Keeping Adam Gase is the smartest move for the Jets because he is a 'tank' that can't be accused of tanking

Keeping Adam Gase is the smartest thing you can do is GM because... it actually Adam Gase is your tank like he is your tank but not tanking. You can't be accused of tanking, but you are tanking when you have Adam Gase there.

The Browns will beat the Bengals because they'll run for over 200 yards

I think the Browns are going to smoke the Bengals because I think they're just going to run the ball... the last time these two teams played the Browns were able to run the ball I think like 250 yards. So I would imagine it's going to be... if Baker Mayfield doesn't have to throw more than 20 times... I think the Browns can have some success.

If the Cowboys don't cover the spread against the Giants, they aren't a real team.

If the Cowboys don't cover the nine and a half against the Giants. I'm just going to cross them off as not real team. So it's like a statement game you either. Tell me that you're real or not. But otherwise, I'm moving on.

The Vikings are a very bad football team and the Colts are better than they looked in Week 1

I think the Vikings are very bad. I think they're worse than they looked last week. I think the Colts are better than they look [last week]... I still think that the Minnesota Vikings defense is going to figure out they're gonna be really good. I they're young and I know Mike Zimmer, but they're young and well, they're right now they're missing a lot of guys.

The Rams are going to be spicy this year and Jared Goff is figuring it out

The Rams I think are better even than they look last year. I think the Rams gonna be good this weekend this year. I think they're going to be spicy. I think our boy [Jared Goff] is figuring out. Oh, yeah. Hell yeah [Goff].

Tom Brady will have a massive 'get right' game against the Panthers

I think Tom Brady's going to eat this week and everyone's like, oh my God Tom Brady's back. Yeah Bruce Arians did the classic Bruce Arians thing where he just spent the entire week making fun of Tom Brady.

The Buccaneers and Patriots Week 1 results will be a referendum on Tom Brady's legacy

What has to happen is we need the Buccaneers to win and the Patriots to lose or the Patriots to win the Buccaneers to lose so we can really hammer into that story. Storylines cannot be taken back. This weekend is a referendum on the life-altering change of course that Tom Brady made.

I will bet on any NFL team that was bad the previous year in Week 1

My week one strategy is just basically bet on the teams that sucked last year.

Bears recycle their urine and feces into carbohydrates while they hibernate

They recycle their poop and pee while they hibernate... we don't poop and they turn it into more carbohydrates while they hibernate.

The Chiefs will win Super Bowl 54 and Tyrann Mathieu will have a turnover

I'm also taking the Chiefs. I have a lot of conviction in that bet... The Honey Badger is making the difference in this game. He's going to have at least one turnover. He has been the key to the Chiefs defense stepping up.

Ryan Tannehill is peaking and will never play better than he is right now

We're in the process of watching Ryan Tannehill as good as he's probably ever as good as his body is capable of playing football. That's how he's playing. The best will ever get it's probably not going to get any better than this.

The New Orleans Saints will blow out the Atlanta Falcons

I think that the wonky game already happened with the Saints and the Falcons. I think the Saints are going to blow them out.

The Texans are going to stomp the shit out of the Raiders

The Raiders and the Texans [game], and the Texans are going to stomp the shit out of them.

The Bills-Titans game will eventually decide who gets a wildcard spot in the AFC

Bill's Titans is my loser leaves town game because... whoever wins this game is going to have the tiebreaker. And I think this could be the game that eventually decides who gets that wildcard spot.

Teddy Bridgewater can't throw the ball more than 10 yards down the field

I don't think Teddy Bridgewater can throw the ball more than 10 yards down the field. So I like that under.

The Buccaneers' offense will be a lot better this year because of Bruce Arians.

I like Bruce Arians. I like Jameis Winston more than I like them last year. I think that the offense is going to be a lot better.

The Dolphins will hit the Over on their 2019 win total

The fact that there was only one person that picked their team to finish with a worse record than Vegas, that means that we have to take the over for the Dolphins. We got to fucking hammer that over on Dolphins.

The Bears are officially good if they can beat the Patriots

If the Bears can beat the Patriots, then they're officially good. It's going to be a big test.

Josh Rosen will be exposed as a fraud against the Seahawks

My pick's going to be the Seahawks, minus three... the Cardinals. Yeah, Josh Rosen's going to throw like four picks... After this week, he'll be exposed.

Josh Gordon won't succeed in New England if he couldn't in Cleveland

If you can't get your shit together enough to play for the Browns and for the Browns to release you—I think that if you can't get your shit together enough to be able to play on the Browns for six years, then you're probably not going to be able to play for Bill Belichick.

The Warriors will beat the Cavs in the Finals in only three games

I'm going Cavs-Warriors again, and the Warriors win in three games.

I like the Vikings and the Over in the NFC Championship

I like the Vikings, and I like the over. Over-under is 39... I think there's going to be a couple big plays that are just random.

I'm taking the Eagles and the Under against the Vikings

I like the Eagles and I like the under, but I want the Eagles to lose in a heartbreaker just so we can get a bunch of drunk Philadelphians walking around with dog masks all night.

Cam Newton stinks again

Cam Newton stinks again. Well, that's not entirely true. Okay. He kind of stinks. He likes to go up and down. I feel like when Cam, when everyone's like, ooh, Cam's putting it all together. He's like, hey, guys, watch this. Hey, hold my avocado. Watch this. Because he's a millennial. He's going to fucking just throw three interceptions and look like trash.

Gonzaga is a team of destiny because they absorbed Northwestern's power

I do believe in teams of destiny absorbing the teams they beat and their destiny... So they took out Northwestern, which was a true team of destiny, and they absorbed all that destiny. They're double the destiny.

The Steelers will cover the +5.5 spread and the Falcons will beat the Packers to advance to the Super Bowl

I'm taking the Steelers and the Falcons. I like the [Steelers] five and a half. I think that's enough. I think this game is going to come down to last possession type of game.

This week in the NFL will be a 'wonky' week where crazy things happen

I think there's gonna be a wonky week. It's one of those weeks where it's just like crazy things happen I just have a feeling... I just I feel like this is gonna be a wonky week.