Takes

Sitting in all-inclusive seats at a baseball game is not a flex because it just turns you into a "toxic wasteland" of gas

If you go to all-inclusive for the baseball game, it's fart city. That's all you're gonna do for the rest of the day. You just eat so many things... By the third inning I'm a toxic wasteland. It rules though.

I guarantee a five-yard completion to the left side in the preseason opener

Are you going to throw a touchdown for Brendan tonight? Yeah. Well, you know what it sounds like, Josh? Since they play a lot of soft zone, you can guarantee a five-yard completion tonight. ... Left side, five or more yard completion for Brendan. That is a Josh Allen guarantee.

House train a dog by feeding it roast beef while it pees

Get like roast beef or some kind of really good meat from the deli and just give your dog a little piece every time they go to the bathroom outside while they're going to the bathroom. That's how I got [Stella] house trained. She would literally be peeing, eating roast beef out of my hand.

American office life is just a competition to see who can sit at their desk for the longest

Basically, office life in America is just people competing to see who can just sit at their desk for the longest.

You should always start college with an easy major like communications and only add hard majors if you find it too easy

Start at the bullshit major and if you end up being like, oh, I'm actually smarter than I thought, then you can add on. Start with the communications. Start with the history or the political side. Then if you find out that it's too easy, then you can add to engineering.

Young adults should be assholes and selfish until they turn 25

I don't trust people who know exactly what they want to do in life when they're 18 and 19 years old because we're all shitheads before we're 25. Until you turn 25, you should be an asshole. You should be selfish. You should not care about anybody else. You should just want to have a good time all the time.

Buying a trampoline for your kids is like buying a gun range for your family

Buying a trampoline for your kids is a terrible, terrible, terrible idea. I can't stress... it's like buying a dizzy bat race slash gun range for your family. That's how bad it's going to be. Everyone's going to get hurt.

I have a twin who is an jacked Instagram model, and my life is a failure by comparison

Ken Jack, who helps out with this show, revealed my twin who is incredibly jacked and a muscle freak and an Instagram model. So Jimbo to me for spending the last five years getting increasingly fatter and making it super depressing when I see this guy who is awesome looking... owned my life.

Being a Resident Assistant in college is a terrible job

Don't be an RA. Don't fucking do it. Listen, if you need the free housing... Go work the streets, but don't be an RA. An RA is worse than a mall cop.

I do not like Skyline Chili

I do not like Skyline. Thankfully, we staved off PFT... so if you can just find me crackers and hold everything else that Skyline offers, I'd be a big Skyline fan.

Skyline Chili's cheese is actually good

I'll say this about Skyline Chili... I like the cheese. The cheese is good.

The best strategy for a college group project is to skip the meetings and volunteer to be the presenter.

This is why if you're ever in a group situation in college, just stop going to class. Then volunteer to be the presenter. Like, 'I'm really good in front of people, I'll do the heavy lifting and get in front of the class.' That's the most nerve-wracking part. Just get sporadic emails thrown into there so people know you're still working on the project, even if you have absolutely no value.

Having 15 bridesmaids in a wedding is ridiculous and impossible

I think anytime you reach double digits, it's like, holy shit, what's going on here? ... Nobody has that many friends. If you have 12 people in your wedding, that means that either you're just trying way too hard to please people or it just means that you're rich and all your friends are using you for your money.

You can never be friends with your bookie

[Big Cat: Can you be friends with your bookie?] No. That's the age-old question, and the answer is no.

The phrases 'you can be anything' and 'there are no stupid questions' are complete bullshit.

Two of the dumbest things that were said to every kid. You can be anything when you grow up. That's just bullshit. And two, there are no stupid questions, only stupid answers. Also bullshit. There's a ton of stupid questions.

You don't actually have to pay campus parking tickets if you don't plan on graduating from that college

I know one thing about colleges and tickets on cars... You don't have to pay those tickets. It doesn't matter. If you don't plan on graduating from that college, you don't have to pay.

Work parties suck and nothing good can come from them

Work parties fucking suck. Can I just say that? Work parties suck. There's nothing good that can come from a work party. Everyone's like, oh, yeah, holiday party. Someone's going to get drunk. Someone's going to puke. Someone's going to be embarrassed. Someone might lose their job.

Nothing good ever happens on the cloud, so you should stay off of it.

Stay off the cloud, kids. Nothing good can happen on the cloud. The cloud is not your friend.

I am officially joining the #NeverBears movement and will never bet on the Bears again.

I went back to the well and I bet on the Bears again. Never again. ... Never bears. Start it now. Hashtag it. Never bears.

The cloud can do nothing but bad things for you; it is your enemy

Just stay away from the cloud. The cloud can do nothing but bad things for you, okay? The cloud is not your friend. The cloud is your enemy. Repeat that over and over, and you should be okay in your life.

Robert Griffin III getting his new girlfriend's name tattooed on his arm is a massive mistake

Robert started dating Greta and immediately got her name tattooed on his arm for the whole world to see. This is one of those Jimbo's that Robert doesn't even know... Bobby doesn't even know that he's Jimbo'd yet, but he's Jimbo'd.

It is impossible for a human to tread water for 45 minutes without a life jacket

You can't tread water for 45 minutes without a life jacket... It's like a horse laying down for longer than two minutes. You're going to die.

Cats are soulless animals that would watch their owners die slowly without helping

Can an animal without a soul ever be alive? ... [A cat] will just sit there and watch you die slowly. That's basically the best case scenario for owning a cat.

Add 'ha-ha' or 'LOL' to the end of any uncomfortable message to instantly spin the situation

I've always told you... if you just throw a ha-ha or an LOL at the end of every DM or text, you can always be like... 'Oh, I'm in.' It's just, yeah, we're just joking. Just add a ha-ha on everything whenever you get in a bad situation. See if you can just laugh your way out of it.

The best way to quit gambling is through 'aversion therapy' by intentionally losing bets to get a bad taste in your mouth

Teach yourself some—what's it called when you—like aversion therapy? You want to bet on some bets that you know are going to lose. You want to lose some bets and get a bad taste in your mouth from gambling... and you won't want to do it anymore.