Takes

100 dedicated humans could easily defeat one gorilla in a fight

I think a hundred friends could be one gorilla. Everybody just gotta be dedicated to the shit. And that sparked a debate across the internet... I am firmly of the belief that a hundred people could easily be go a fight.

Having a stomach bug is one of the worst things that can happen to a human

Getting the stomach bug is by far the worst thing that can possibly happen to a human I think. Cancer, I feel like stomach bug's gotta be up there. Just kidding, just kidding... you feel like you're dying though. It's terrible.

New Rule: If you win Game 1 of a playoff series by 50 points, the series should immediately end

If you win a game one by 50 points, a series should be over. Okay. 'cause when this game was such a blowout, it was like 30 points in half. How much more exciting would it be in the second half if the Grizzlies were literally fighting to keep the series alive... If you win the game one by 50 series over, we've seen enough.

Good riddance to Lee Corso

Good riddance [to Lee Corso].

Travis Hunter will be more impressive in the NFL than Shohei Ohtani is in MLB

You think Travis Hunter will be more impressive than Shohei Ohtani? Definitely. I'm gonna be vindicated. I welcome the hate when it came, but in two years' time I wanna be sitting pretty.

Jalen Brunson is the next 'Can't Win The Big One' guy in the NBA

How about this one? Hank, you're gonna like this one. Jalen Brunson. Mm. Does that do anything for you? Yeah. Not clutch at all... I'm trying to predict where the narratives are gonna go next... The Knicks were built to beat the Celtics this year.

Paige Bueckers will be a better WNBA player than Caitlin Clark

I do think that she [Paige Bueckers] might be a better WNBA player than Caitlin Clark. I think she's more athletic. She's more explosive. Caitlin Clark obviously shoots better from the outside and she's like a once in a generation talent. But in terms of, I'm talking about winning.

Leon Draisaitl is more valuable to the Oilers than Connor McDavid this year

I'm an Oilers guy and Leon Draisaitl has just to me been the best player in the league. The most valuable player of the Oilers McDavid's had this great year still, but not McDavid. And then he's leading the league in goals by a lot.

Cooper Flagg does not have the clutch gene

I agree with Skip Bayless and Big Cat in that Cooper Flagg probably doesn't have the clutch gene. If I'm drafting number one in the NBA draft and I'm, I don't know, the Utah Jazz, I I would pass on 'em. Yeah, I would. And let whoever is picking after take them. Like, 'cause you're not gonna win with 'em.

Cooper Flagg should opt out of the Final Four to protect his draft stock

If I was Cooper Flagg, I would sit out. Yeah. And don't get hurt. You're gonna be playing against grown ass men. Sit out, opt out, and then just wait to enter the NBA draft and make money

FIFA is not a corrupt organization

Anyone that was pointing a finger at Sep Blatter and saying that FIFA is corrupt... Guess what? You're wrong. He's been officially cleared. Fifa. It turns out plot twist, not corrupt. Everything's above board in FIFA.

St. John's is going to win the National Championship

St. John's win it all. I filled out my entire bracket. It's kind of, it's a weird final four... Michigan State. St. John's. BYU. Kentucky.

Alabama will beat Auburn in the National Championship game

In this bracket... I have Bama beating Wisconsin and then Duke on the way to the Final Four... And they're going to beat Auburn to win it all.

The sun was switched out 40 years ago for a new, worse sun

I found guys... that think that actually this is a different sun that was, that we switched the sun out like 40 years ago and it's the new sun and it's worse for you... I gotta do some more research on the new sun guys.

You can change an entire nation's perception of you just by knowing ball

Timothy Chalamet's proof that you can change an entire nation's perception of you by knowing Ball. If Osama Bin Laden would've declared his love for Miami Ohio's football program, we would've been like, you know, we can always just rebuild those towers.

Baker Mayfield is a better quarterback option for the next five years than Jalen Hurts

Would I take Baker Mayfield over [Jalen Hurts] for the next five years? Yeah... I would take Baker. It's close. They're the same. They're all, like I said, they're in the same grouping. But I would take Baker.

LeBron James' best dad move ever was getting Bronny drafted into the NBA

Lebron is a better father than he is basketball player? Yeah, I think, didn't we we determin that on Friday. Yeah. The fact that he got Bronny drafted. Yeah. No basketball player has ever done that before. But I do think he went up to him [Stephen A. Smith] like Stephen A. Smith played the role afterwards.

Beards are causing baseball injuries because the face is connected to the elbow

My who's back is baseball injuries 'cause Garrett Cole's out for the year... Bad Tommy John. They should never change the rules about shaving your face. Like this, this would not have happened if he was clean shaven. That's true. That's your, your face. Your face is connected to your shoulder, to your elbow.

Rob Gronkowski is considering an NFL comeback with the Denver Broncos

Rob Gronkowski is considering a return to the NFL and that he would like to potentially play for the Denver Broncos... I'm told he loves Denver and Quarterback Bo Nix... He's gonna be a Bronco. There's no other way for him to do this than be a Bronco.

Putting beans in chili is 'woke'

I think I agree with him that beans and chili are woke... it is like Texas chili is just meat... This is like nerfing chili. It's not letting dudes fart. Dudes can't even fart anymore because we're taking the beans out of chili.

A 2032 asteroid will likely hit the Earth and specifically ruin a Cleveland Browns Super Bowl run

My fire fest of the week is that there's an asteroid heading towards Earth. It's scheduled to hit the planet potentially in 2032. This tells me this has like Brown Super Bowl run written all over it. And the asteroid shows up.

The NBA internally tried to send Luka Doncic to the Lakers to stop LeBron James from starting a rival league

What if the NBA forced Luka [Doncic] to the Lakers to basically like forced LeBron to stay? Because the Luka thing still doesn't make any sense. ... LeBron is clearly like doing something, like something's going on where he is protesting... and maybe the NBA knew about this internally and they tried to send Luka to LA to somehow stop LeBron from doing what he's trying to do.

Paul George is essentially just Tobias Harris with better branding

Paul George is Tobias Harris with better branding. Whoa. Yeah. I mean they're all back tonight... Paul George, Paul George, I know he had a better January, but like off key, he, he needs to be a dude while MB is out through all of this. And instead he's totally comfortable getting his ISO 17 footer up.

Jalen Hurts is better than Patrick Mahomes

I actually, like Max and Rowan were onto something with the Jalen Hertz thing. What he might be, he think he is just better than Mahomes. Their head-to-head matchups. And I like it. Hank Hertz has has dominated them. If you'd only watch the two Super Bowls that the, that Jalen Hertz and Patrick Mahomes played against each other. Jalen Hertz clears 'em by a million.

Drake Maye will win a Super Bowl before Patrick Mahomes wins another one

Who wins the Super Bowl first? Drake Maye. Okay.

Patrick Mahomes is officially washed.

Big Cat, let me ask you embrace debate. Is Patrick Mahomes washed trash or ass? I think he's washed. He's washed. He's washed. Okay. He's washed. Yeah. Check down Merchant. Listen, it happens to every quarterback. He check downs. You know, like Father Time is undefeated.

Jameis Winston would lead the Jets to a #1 seed and a Super Bowl if he started 17 games.

If we're gonna suck, I would rather just have fun watching football and just go with Jameis Winston for 17 games... He said on the Pardon My Take interview that he wants to be a bridge quarterback and he wants to win a Super Bowl. I'm sold. He's the guy. starts all 17 games, number one seed, Super Bowl.

Secretariat was definitely doing steroids

That fucking horse was doing steroids... I was just trying to be funny about a horse taking steroids... Everybody in the world tweets donk at the same time.

The Mavericks trading Luka Doncic is absolute malpractice

Nico Harrison — this guy should be in person... Malpractice. Malpractice. Yeah. The only guy literally deserves to be in prison. The only — it was, it's malpractice. The only way you could reasonably get over it is if like, Luca ends up being like 320 pounds.

Aaron Rodgers has 'druggie eyes' and is the problem with the Jets

I think the problem is Aaron. I think he's the problem... I look them in the eye to look for, to see if they're druggies. And I gotta tell you, Aaron Rodgers has druggie eyes. He looks like a druggie. Aaron Rodgers just has druggie eyes to me.

Anthony Richardson will be out of the NFL in a couple of years

We drafted as our QB one Anthony Richardson on our team... It will never happen again. I actually, I'm, I'm coming in here with takes. I think Anthony Richardson is out of the league in a couple years.

Saquon Barkley is the best player in the NFL and will change the running back market.

Saquon Barkley is the best player in the NFL and I think that he will, he's gonna change the running back market because it shows that we're going back into a play of game where running the football matters and you can win running.

Ultimate Dick Kicking is a better combat sport than Power Slap

We got a new combat sport that we have to start paying attention to guys, it's better than Power Slap. It's better than arm wrestling. It's the ultimate dick kicking championship. Two guys just stand across from each other and kick each other in the dicks until one guy gives up.

The government used illegal tracking technology to find Luigi Mangione and then planted evidence to cover it up

The government has technology that's illegal to use to track and find someone like Luigi [Mangione]... which they used illegally to find him. And then planted all the evidence. The McDonald's worker, the written manifesto to cover their tracks about the fact that they illegally... surveyed people. The McDonald's worker was a plant and that's why they're not gonna get paid.

The New Jersey drones are good aliens protecting humans from bad aliens

It's probably alien. I've heard it's aliens protecting from other aliens is what I've heard... Apparently they've been here the whole time, but just in the water. And then when the bad aliens, I guess, are threatening now. So they came out to protect us.

I would turn the Jets around in two minutes if I took over

I'd like to. There's no doubt about it. I've let everybody know that I definitely would be interested in that job... I think if I took over it'd be, it'd be turned in about two minutes because I think it starts with the passion and the energy that I would bring to that building. And the, we're not gonna take any poop mentality either. I know when I get an opportunity to interview for it, I'm gonna get the job.

There was a coordinated media hit against Indiana Football orchestrated by Greg Sankey

Greg Sankey made a call to all of media on Monday and had everyone in the media bash them when they have their big game coming up against Ohio State. And that makes no sense to me. Indiana has not played anyone. Indiana's an awesome story. Indiana's an underdog story. I'm rooting for Indiana.

JJ Watt's Hall of Fame candidacy is questionable because he lacks career sack volume

When JJ Watt retired people were having discussions about him being a first ballot hall of famer, which is absolute nonsense. What's, he's not even on the top 20 for career sacks. Meanwhile, Jared Allen is number 12 on that list and has still not gotten in. I'm honestly not sure if Watt should ever be a Hall of Famer.

The Eagles should give Nick Sirianni a contract extension

Is it time to give Nick Sirianni a contract extension? He is 41 and 19 is the Eagles' head coach... I think you gotta lock him up long term. I agree. Like that... lock him up.

Aaron Rodgers is currently top five in every major passing statistical category

Aaron Rodgers still top five in everything right now... touchdowns top five... yards top five... [I must have looked at it before they updated it].

I am betting against LSU because they are using a fake Mike the Tiger on the sidelines

It appears that they are now bringing a tiger back onto their sidelines... it seems like it might be a fake mike, the tiger that they're putting on the sidelines, because people took pictures... and they compared the stripes and they think that it's a duplicate Mike. It's a fake Mike the tiger... in which case I am going to be betting against LSU.

Caleb Williams will get ruined by the Bears and every other rookie quarterback in his class will be better

I'm officially down bad. And Caleb Williams is gonna get ruined. Drake May's gonna be better. Jayden Daniels already better. Bo Nicks is better. Michael Penix is gonna be better. They're all gonna be better. And I'm just gonna be, I'm just back in the whole cycle.

Jayden Daniels' rib was never actually hurt

I have a theory that his rib was never actually hurt. I think that after that first run of the Panthers game, the coaching staff was like, 'Hey Jayden, it's the Panthers. You just ran easily for 50 yards. First play of the game, let Marcus take over, go to the training room.' And then all week long it was all secret.

You can actually lose weight by eating a diet of Uncrustables

I actually think you could lose weight eating Uncrustables. Peanut butter's got tons of protein in it. Bread is the biggest part of the food pyramid, which is really, really healthy and scientific.

Jayden Daniels is already a top 2 quarterback in the NFC and a top 5 all-time prospect

I think Jayden Daniels is gonna be the best quarterback in the history of the Redskins or Commanders. I think he's gonna be the best quarterback in the NFC. He might already be the best quarterback in the NFC... Probably top five [all time potential]. I think Jayden Daniels is like absolutely the best quarterback that I've ever watched in my entire life.

Jerry Jones should trade Micah Parsons to reload on draft picks

If I were Jerry Jones, reload on draft picks and trade Micah Parsons. You have to pay him and your problem right now is it seems like you have lack of depth going forward. What's gonna happen yet? You locked up Dak, you locked up CD, you're gonna have to pay Micah Parsons. You could probably get a lot for him.

The Browns are publicly shaming Deshaun Watson by forcing him to continue playing quarterback.

What if we're just thinking about it wrong? What if this is just the Browns actually doing justice in a public shaming way. They're like, he's so bad. And we know he is so bad he can't play quarterback. We're just gonna make him continue to play quarterback and publicly shame him because that's the only justice he'll ever have. ... The only way that the league can punish him? Make him continue to play quarterback.

Tim Tebow would have won a lot of games if an NFL team ran his college offense

If I run his college offense, I'm going to win a lot of games in the National Football League. He'll never make a Pro Bowl, but I want that guy on my team... nobody ever gave him a shot [after Denver]. Nobody ever gave him a shot. I, I just believed in him winning football games.

LeBron James was born without a clutch gene

The poor man was just born without a clutch gene, and we see it again and again and again. MJ or LeBron? Stop it. Don't even go there because it's offensive to me. You would put those two in the same sentence because LeBron could not carry Jordan's sneakers.

Ashton Jeanty should sit out the rest of the season to protect his NFL draft stock

With the state of the running back position in the NFL where you have to maximize your healthy years... Is it crazy to think maybe Jeanty should just sit down for the rest of the season? I would agree. He's already got a season's worth of stats.