Takes

Coach John Calipari should receive a 17-year contract extension

Instead of is coach Calipari on the hot seat, it's how many years should we extend him? Because right now, right now, coach Cal has seven lane duck years. You're staring right in the face of it seven years where he does, he might, how can you recruit? Let's get him 10 more years on top of that.

Nadal winning mostly on clay makes him a Mickey Mouse champion

It's Mickey Mouse to have to only win on one surface. Well, I think he also won the Australian, right? ... 14 of his 22 are at Roland Garros.

The Warriors are dead

I think right now it's too early to do the thing that we all want to do, which we kind of like, we dipped our toe in earlier and said the warriors are dead. Fuck it. I'm just going to say it after game one, the warriors are dead.

If Steph Curry wins Finals MVP, he is a better basketball player than LeBron James

If Steph Curry wins an NBA finals MVP this year, I'm ready to be the first person to [say] that he's better than LeBron James purely at basketball.

The world ended in 2016 and we are currently in an afterlife simulation

There's a theory out there that the world ended in 2016. When that [Large Hadron Collider] opened up a massive black hole on earth and everything got sucked into it. And so everything you've experienced since then has been your particular version of heaven or hell, depending on if you were good or not prior to 2016.

Ime Udoka is the best at laying pipe among NBA coaches

You look at the Celtics Ime Udoka lays pipe better than any of these motherfuckers. Feels like he could spoil shit and he goes down. Yeah. She knows that he's not the whole package though.

Sean McVay is too much show and not enough go when it comes to sex

He seems like a little, like a too much show. Not enough. Correct. When it comes to fucking. Well he's he's got like, he likes to take his shirt off and do a dance. Like, you know, like Patrick Peyton watch himself.

Dipping Oreos in water is better than dipping them in milk

I brought forward to the world, the art of dipping your Oreos and water, essentially washing them taste delicious, better than milk.

Coach K is the worst NBA coach to never have coached in the NBA

Coach K would be a worst head coach than Calipari was when he was head coach. He's the worst NBA coach to never have coached in the NBA.

Jack Nicklaus' name is pronounced Jack 'Nick-Klaus' because of his German ancestry

Jack Nicklaus [pronounced Nick-Klaus like Santa Claus]... He rejected a hundred million dollars to not go to the Saudi golf league... I've only read his name. I only know... because I always watch golf on mute... Nikolaos. Changed it to make it [more American].

Isaiah Thomas is a better player than Steph Curry and people only rank Curry higher because Isaiah is short

The greatest player I've ever played with is Isaiah Thomas. And I have played with Michael. I have played with Kobe and Shaq, but the greatest player was Isaiah Thomas... He's six foot. And he did everything everybody else was doing. And in the same amount of time that Steph Curry was playing, Isaiah had better stats, but no one wants to mention it.

Kyle Korver is a better 3-point shooter than Steph Curry

I actually am looking at the list right now [Big Cat speaking]... Kyle Korver does have a higher percentage than Steph. [Salley]: You guys did cheat in college. I can tell because you only looking at the cliff notes. [Salley earlier arguing Dell Curry, Reggie Miller, Dale Ellis were better than Steph].

Caucasians have only been on the planet for 6,000 years and were originally cave dwellers

Black people have been on the planet for 16,000 years. They say the Caucasian has only been on the planet for 6,000 years... light hair, light color, skin, light eyes, obviously a cave dweller. And it's because you had to come from you couldn't deal with the sun, your nose was elongated because it was cold.

Chris Paul is a fraud

I'm going to call it right now. I'm going to use a hard D-bomb. What's that? Hank? A fraud. ... Chris Paul is literally the best NBA player of all time that has sucked.

It would be better for the future of the Mavericks if they lose Game 7 to the Suns

I'll take it one step further. How's this for take, it would actually be better for the future of the Dallas Mavericks. If they lose this game. ... if they had gotten blown out in the second round, then I feel like mark Cuban would kind of like have to go nuclear and try to put something good together and get like an awesome player to team up with Luca to take that next step.

I am 30% responsible for Dmitry Bivol's victory over Canelo Alvarez

How much of your win goes to Billy Football? [Bivol: 30%]. He taught me through the ball, you know, like right hand. [Billy: Activate the shoulders. I liked that he was also posting some pretty aggressive videos].

The NBA should introduce a 'Flagrant 3' where the victim's team gets to pick a player on the other team to be kicked out

That should be a Flagrant 3. And if there's a Flagrant 3, here's the rule. The other team, they get to pick which one of your guys is kicked out of the game. Or you could take that player's dad. So Gary Payton comes back and plays for your team the next round.

Getting hit in the nuts is worse than childbirth

Women don't realize that childbirth is not that hard when you've gotten hit in the nuts. Your balls feel like they're going to explode and your stomach feels like it's going to cave inside of itself. It's like having all of your periods at once.

NBA players who get hit in the nuts should get a free shot to kick the offender back

If you get a flagrant one, you should get to kick the guy in the balls back in center court. How awesome would that be for fans? Tonight, I might see a guy just get smoked in the nuts.

Reds fans should defecate in the Toyota Tundra at the stadium to protest the owner

A Reds fan posted yesterday saying... 'I will be scaling the wall to defecate in the bed of the Toyota Tundra.' I just liked that Reds fans are fighting back. This is how you fight... maybe it will make people go shit in their trucks.

I could beat DK Metcalf in a five-yard dash

I was actually talking to Billy earlier about this. You think I could be DK [Metcalf] to five yard dash? ... You guys don't know how sprinting works... I can just take a step. Yeah. That's your steps as well. You guys don't know how sprinting works.

Harry Kane is not a threat to score if he is outside the six-yard line

Harry Kane? If he has the ball outside the six-yard line, he's not going to score, not a threat... outside of the six, not a danger.

Dipping pizza in soy sauce is life

Dipping pizza in soy sauce. Oh, life... It just adds some saltiness to it. I thought it was a great idea.

The best way to make new friends in your thirties is to try to blow them

Just to put a button on it, try and blow them... Try blowing dudes. And you'll be blessed.

Bigfoot is currently in the state of Ohio

My last who's back is big foot. There's been pictures of a big foot sighting... I've tracked it down to Ohio. There was some Bama people claiming that they found them in Bama... but I just want to correct it and let you know that Bigfoot is currently in Ohio.

Max Homa should turn in his tour card after his performance at the Masters

We did positive vibes only, but now we can speak honestly, the way [Max Homa] played after he made the cut was disgusting. And he should probably turn in his tour card.

LeBron James is noble for missing the playoffs to give young NBA stars the spotlight

LeBron decided that now was the time to step away from the game and put the spotlight on some up and coming players that might not be able to get that much attention if LeBron was still around dominating the conversation.

St. Peter's has a chance to become a small-school powerhouse like Gonzaga

I actually think [St. Peter's] have a chance to become like one of these small school powerhouses that ends up like a Gonzaga. Seriously, like they'll make runs with... now that the school has had such an increase in enrollment and increase [in funding].

I would bet my life that Duke will not win a national championship in the next 10 years

If Duke wins one title in the next 10 years, you've got to kill yourself... I'll take that bet. I would take the under... I'll bet you our lives. You get 10 years because... John Scheyer, we don't know. He's not proven.

Coach K's career would be a disappointment if it ends with a loss to UNC

The perfect ending would be if [Coach K] were to lose against his arch rival, UNC. You'd have to say his career would be a disappointment if it ended—legacy tarnished.

The Will Smith slap of Chris Rock was fake because Will Smith taught a kid how to fake slap a month prior

There's a video out of will Smith a month ago, teaching a kid how to fake slap. I don't know if you guys see this on TMZ... I'm just saying, you know, it looks like a guy who's been practicing slapping.

Patrick Mahomes' productivity will drop significantly without Tyreek Hill

I honestly think Patrick Mahomes' productivity is going to go way down without Tyreek Hill and Tyreek Hill would've done way better with Zach Wilson. Well, think about how many times Tyreek Hill bailed out a bad pass by Patrick Mahomes.

Every pro athlete should be allowed to beat up one fan per year

If we just had my rule of every single player in every sport gets to pick out one fan a year and peat every living shit out of him, sports would be more fun.

The NCAA rigged the Duke vs. Michigan State game for Coach K

I think the fix was in. NCAA rigged. I think that Tom Izzo and Coach K... Coach K has three friends, one the sports information director at Duke that keeps all of the bodies buried in the right locations... Jim Boeheim... and Tom Izzo. They're like the Big Three.

Houston is a 'fraud' that schedules weak opponents

I hate Houston... I've been calling Houston a fraud for two years. They went to the Final Four last year playing nothing but double digit seeds... They scheduled like a D3 team... Houston loads up on wins on shitty schools.

Malik Willis is a hybrid of Josh Allen and Lamar Jackson

I think Malik Willis is going to have a really good NFL career... I think he's what they advertise him as he's Josh Allen and Lamar Jackson hybrid.

Malik Willis is a combination of Lamar Jackson and Josh Allen

Malik Willis has been said to be, in my opinion, a combination of Lamar Jackson and Josh Allen. This is what the people are saying. If you look at Malik's throws from the combine, insane, absolutely crazy type stuff.

Aaron Rodgers' new contract with the Packers is a bust if he doesn't win three of the next four Super Bowls

I think that if Aaron Rogers doesn't win three out of the four next Superbowl's, this contract is kind of a bust. If it is, if it is 50 million, if he is the highest paid player in the history of the NFL... you would assume that the highest paid player ever would also be a player capable of leading you to dynasty.

Aaron Rodgers is officially retiring from the NFL

My arch nemesis, Aaron Nagler... he actually told me breaking news that Aaron Rodgers is going to retire... he was actually crying when he told me it. So I had to like console him. He cried on my shoulder. He's like, Aaron Rodgers is going to retire. I was like, dude, I'm sorry. That's really, really tough.

Zion Williamson is a better player when he is fat

I'm going to say something controversial. I think that Zion Williamson is a better player when he's fat. I want him to get fat. Well, in fact, well he D he doesn't play right now. He's a better players to get fatter. Yeah. He just needs to get so fat that they roll them out there.

I can break Vegas with a specific March Madness hedging spreadsheet

I'm thinking I'm going to take all the favorites from the first round and bet all of them to win the whole thing as a future. And then bet the money line on all of the underdogs so that the money lines pays all the future bets.

I want to invent soundproof 'fart pants' for airplanes

My idea was to get fart pants, to invent fart pants. And it would just consist of pants that were soundproof. So you could wear them... when I fart on an airplane, it's never smelly. It doesn't stink. It's just air. And it's just super loud.

Nebraska would have played Georgia closer than Michigan did in the 2021-22 CFP

They [Nebraska] probably would've played Georgia within like eight points. I swear to God. I swear to God.

The NBA should get rid of the three-point line

I think they should get rid of the three really... I think much like the shot clock, where they were like enough of this... I think he should get rid of the three really.

The world would have more in common if everyone sat down and watched Jackass together

I still to this day... I think that you could take Jackass, you could show it to ISIS and they would laugh their balls off. They would, it would actually bring the world together. If we could just have a set aside two hours where everybody in the world sits down and watch Jackass, and we'd be like, you know what? We got a lot more in common than maybe we thought.

Tom Brady's retirement is a '3D chess' move to eventually return to the Patriots

Tom Brady unretires, comes back, plays for the Patriots, and that's why he's not thanking the Patriots yet... This is 3D chess. He's using this to go back to the Patriots because the Buccaneers, he doesn't think, can take him to another Super Bowl. But the Patriots could.

I will get my big toenails removed if Trevor Lawrence doesn't reach an AFC Championship on his rookie contract

I'm so confident that Trevor Lawrence isn't a bust. If they don't make the AFC Championship on his rookie contract, I will get... five years... I will go both of my big toenails removed.

If a wide receiver touches the ball, he is responsible for catching it

Anytime it barely grazes wide receivers' fingers, Hank will be like, well, I thought it was, if you touch it, you can catch it... just because he touches it doesn't mean you can catch it... [Hank]: Millions of dollars. He gets paid millions of dollars to make that catch.

The Bengals have no chance of beating the Chiefs in the AFC Championship

I don't think that the Bengals have a chance in hell of beating the Chiefs with these two teams. Bengals are two years away from even being able to compete against the Chiefs. There's no chance that a team like the Bengals could go up against the Chiefs and outscore them clubs. 0% clip chance.

Microwaves are the best invention of all time and better than air fryers

When did we just start disrespecting the mighty microwave? The microwave is the best invention, maybe of all time. You put something in there, it gets so hot... It boils water in 15 seconds and everybody's just sleeping on it... microwaves are coded. They are all right.