Takes

I would not swap Mitchell Trubisky for Aaron Rodgers if it meant swapping their contracts

[If asked to swap Mitchell Trubisky for Aaron Rodgers and their contracts] No. No. If we had to swap contracts, it would be over the cap... So our defense wouldn't be as good. We're going to play some defense. We're going to run the ball.

Sean McVay's photographic memory is actually a curse when things go poorly

I think Sean McVay's photographic memory is a blessing and a curse because what do they always say? You have to have a short memory to get past the fucked up plays. So having a photographic memory is great when things are going really well. But then when things go really poorly, that's all you think about.

The Eagles cannot go back to Carson Wentz if Nick Foles runs the table and makes the playoffs

If Nick Foles runs the table here and the Eagles get into the playoffs and let's say he wins a game or two, how can you go back to Carson Wentz? This guy, like, that was a game 13.5-point underdogs. Everyone said the Eagles season was over. He's throwing jump balls to Alshon Jeffrey. He's getting the offense going.

I will cut off the tip of Big Cat's pinky if the Seahawks win the Super Bowl

I personally Dunchained the Seahawks. I think they were the inaugural Dunchain. And listen, Big Cat is being very, very accountable with his Texans Dunchain, saying that he will cut his pinky off. I just want to say I will be held accountable as well. If the Seahawks win the Super Bowl, I will cut off the tip of Big Cat's pinky.

Tom Brady's age is finally starting to catch up to him

I think there's a lot of factors in play. Brady might be—age might be catching up to him. [Big Cat: Are you worried?] Yes.

The Miami Dolphins might be the worst 7-7 team in NFL history

The Dolphins are the other team where it's like, this team is 7-7. They might be the worst 7-7 team in the history of the NFL. And I'm sure Dolphins fans will get upset about that. But actually, you'll probably agree with me. They make no sense.

Vance Joseph should be fired immediately for kicking a field goal on 4th and 1 while down four

Vance Joseph... you Dan Quinned yourself. The all-time dumbest thing when he kicked a field goal... down four with like three minutes left and kicked a field goal on fourth and one from about the seven. You should be fired instantly when that happens.

Dak Prescott is more likely to airmail a pass than hit a receiver in the numbers on throws over 12 yards

Dak Prescott sucked [today]. He's airmailing. He does this thing where if he has to throw a pass, it's further than like... I'm going to say 12 yards downfield. He's more likely to miss the guy high by three feet than he is to hit him in the numbers.

I could throw for more than 57 yards in a regular NFL game

If you gave me a Nerf ball, I'd throw for more than 57 yards. [PFT: In an NFL game?] In an NFL game. I actually, you know what? Fuck it. I'd throw for more than 57 yards with a regular ball. I'd be a gunslinger. I'd just throw it every play. Really what I'd just do is screen pass, screen pass, screen pass.

Fighting is a young man's game and 50-year-olds have no business in the ring

At the end of the day, 50-year-olds have no business fighting. Fighting is a young man's game. There's some guys that have been able to beat time and still do well but they're very, very few and far between. 49-year-old people barely get on the treadmill and walk. You're going to be fighting in a professional fight? It's ridiculous.

Tito Ortiz is literally one of the dumbest human beings on planet earth

I think that [Oscar De La Hoya] is getting a lot of this information from Tito Ortiz who is literally and I'm not just saying this to be real he's one of the dumbest human beings on planet earth he's primate level this guy

The government are the biggest gangsters on the planet

The athletic commissions, California, Nevada, New York, they're run by the government. The government runs—and that's who we answer to. And you don't want to fuck with the government. They're the biggest gangsters on the planet.

Jon Jones would have been the LeBron of MMA if he had his personal life together

If you look at how good Jon Jones is, and if he had his personal life together, what a big star he'd be right now and how much money he would have made. He would have been the LeBron of this sport.

The 'Affliction' and 'True Religion' fashion days of the UFC were horrible

The affliction days were bad. The affliction days were bad. It was so funny you just said that to me because we were looking we were doing all these documentaries about the ufc... affliction horrible those days and the god what were those jeans true religion. Oh my God. I see the true religion jeans and all that stuff I'm like shoot me.

Mike Tomlin and Jason Garrett are the same coach: 'the dog in the fire saying this is fine'

Mike Tomlin and Jason Garrett are the dogs sitting in the fire saying this is fine at all times. They love to just stand on the sidelines and say to themselves, well, this time it's got to be different. Like we're doing the exact same thing we've done since the beginning of time, but this time it's going to work.

A documentary of Lenny Dykstra looking for God would be the most watched thing ever

This is the greatest story of all time. Lenny Dykstra's pursuit to find God. How is this not a Netflix documentary? This would be the most watched thing of all time. Lenny Dykstra just walking around the world looking for God.

The Chargers should play their home playoff games in San Diego

I think if they get home field advantage in the playoffs, which is possible... they should play their home games in San Diego. Give it back to the people. San Diegans have suffered long enough.

If the Bears don't win the Super Bowl, I want the Chargers to win it

obviously I want the Bears to win the Super Bowl, but if the Bears cannot win the Super Bowl, I want the Chargers to win the Super Bowl. They are America's team. This is talking about Antonio Gates, talking about Philip Rivers having fun.

Patrick Mahomes is getting a little too cute with his play style

I think sometimes [Mahomes] gets a little too cute. I think a little too cute. He throws a lot of left-handed passes. ... You know what bothers me is every time there's a penalty, he points way too fast that it's on the other team.

If I am ever on fire, do not piss on me to put it out

I want to say for the record, if I'm ever on fire, don't piss on me. No, just remind me to stop, drop, and roll. It's not going to help unless you're Peter North and have a stream like a fire hose. It's not going to put out the fire. You're just going to be pissing on me as I burn to death.

It is great for golf that Patrick Reed is a villain everyone hates

Patrick Reed, though, he is the bad boy of golf. And I love this because this just keeps his street cred just keeps going up, up, and up. Everyone hates him. Guess what? It's fucking golf. ... It's actually great to have a bad guy in golf.

Tiger Woods will win every major championship next year

I'm a Tiger guy. I want Tiger to win every tour major championship next year, but if it's not Tiger, I want Patrick Reed just to piss everyone off.

If Green Bay beats Chicago, they are going to the playoffs

Green Bay wins this game, and they're going to the playoffs. Because there are a lot of things that have to happen for Green Bay to make the playoffs, and they're all going to happen. But the big question mark is, can they win this game?

Odell Beckham Jr. is not a guy who can lead a team without another strong leader present

[Beckham] is not a guy that I think is going to lead your team anywhere if you don't have another strong leader on it. Hypothetically, if you had a leader on your team similar to Eli Manning, this is the exact kind of guy that you do not want to give a huge contract to.

Saquon Barkley might already be the best running back in the NFL

Give it to a guy who might be the best running back in the league, Saquon Barkley, things will be good for you. Like, hey, we don't have to worry about throwing it to Odell 12 times a game. Let's just keep giving it to Saquon. Oh, shit, this works?

It is impossible to win a tank battle against the Washington Redskins

You cannot tank against the Redskins. You will not win a tank battle against the Redskins. It does not happen. Not against Mark Sanchez. It does not happen. As much as [the Giants] may have been trying to tank, it was like, oh shit, we accidentally found ourselves back in the NFC playoff race.

The Dolphins always lose the week after beating the Patriots

this game will be interesting because the Dolphins, after a win against the Patriots, they stink, historically. Last three games, three times they beat the Patriots... [they lost the following game] 24-16, 29-10, 19-0.

Mike Tomlin gets fired if the Steelers miss the playoffs

I think Mike Tomlin gets fired if they don't make the playoffs.

The Buccaneers will cover +7.5 against the Ravens

My walk of the week is going to be the Bucs. Maybe even sprinkle a little bit. The Bucs. [Against] The Ravens. Plus seven and a half.

Jabari Parker was benched because he started the mutiny against the Bulls' practice

Jabari Parker, he has been benched because, and this is, I mean, I have no sources to back me up except my own brain, but he was clearly the guy who started the mutiny, right? Because he didn't want to practice. He doesn't want to play defense.

Johnny Knoxville is the least coordinated member of the Jackass crew

The irony of [Johnny] Knoxville is that he's the least coordinated. He can't skate at all. And so his injuries were always the worst because he just wasn't prepared for those types of falls. And, you know, he's the one that had to have urethra surgery and stuff like that. These were absolutely the worst types of injuries.

The Ollie is the foundation of every skateboarding trick

Ollie's the foundation of every skateboarding trick. So if you're going to start skating and you're going to take it seriously, you've got to learn how to Ollie.

The term 'rad' is making a comeback with younger kids

I think rad's making a comeback. ... New young kids using rad. Okay. Calling it that Levi's shirts.

Nick Saban hires fired coaches to learn how to beat them in the future

Nick Saban's little plan here is that by the time he's like 100 years old and is too old to coach, he'll actually have coached with every coach who's in college football and he knows how to beat every single one of them. So he wins like an extra seven national championships at the end of his career just because he knows everyone he's coaching against.

Drake only has a career because Kanye West popularized the 'backpack and polo' aesthetic

If it wasn't for Kanye putting on a polo shirt and a backpack, you think Drake's whack ass would be waltzing out of Toronto thinking that he could rap about being all up in his feelings and bullshit like that? Honestly, I do not know.

The Browns are going to make the playoffs

The Browns are going to make the playoffs. I'm looking at it too, and you know what season it is. It's playoff machine season on ESPN... I've been running the scenarios, crunching the numbers. They're not [the Packers] going to make the playoffs... But you know who is going to make the playoffs? The Browns.

Signing Kirk Cousins was a bad idea that everyone predicted would fail

Kirk Cousins' signing was one of those things where everyone in the world was like, 'Hey, this is a bad idea.' To a man, everyone was like, 'Hey, this is a really bad idea.' But because of the NFL and how the quarterback position is played... anyone could be sucked in and talk themselves into saying Kirk Cousins.

Kirk Cousins is just Case Keenum in a tuxedo

Now, what he is, is Case Keenum in a tuxedo. He is the nicest looking version of Case Keenum that you can put together.

There should be no preseason or first-month polls in college sports

There should be no polls until like two months into the season anyway. There should be no preseason polls. There should be no first-month polls in college basketball or college football. Take the bias out.

Gen Z is ruining the reputation of millennials

Gen Z should get more crap on the internet than millennials... Gen Z is 1995 to 2008... You guys are the ones who are actually fucking everything up because you guys are like the 18-year-olds, the bratty 18 to 22-year-olds... You're the ones who are fucking it up for the millennials. You're giving us a bad name.

2019 will officially be the Year of the Core

2019 year of the core. The core helps, sets up everything else. So it's going to be back. My core wasn't ready for the workload that I put on it. [In] 2019, the core is going to be back.

Most professional athletes and lottery winners go bankrupt within three years of leaving the league or receiving the money

Athletes and lotto winners, they usually bankrupt three years either outside of leaving the league or receiving the money. And you can easily blow $20 million.

Achieving true mastery is impossible because every subject is constantly evolving

I think you don't really achieve mastery in any subject because the subject keeps moving and changing and developing. Bruce Lee was a master of karate at 30 and at 70, he would have to learn how to fight differently because he doesn't have the same strength.

Lori Greiner is the scariest Shark on Shark Tank

I'm always afraid of Lori. We're kind of in the same space of bringing consumer products to the market. And she has two platforms. She has a very strong platform with QVC. And she's also, if it's a woman-related product, she can be the face of it... I always have to have a tussle with Lori.

Buyer's remorse on Shark Tank deals usually stems from the entrepreneur's personality, not the product itself

I do end up having buyer's remorse later on down the line with a lot of products because a lot of times it's not the product that doesn't work. It's the entrepreneur that we don't see eye to eye.

Robert Herjavec is a very keen businessman who knows how to work his angles by acting nice

Robert is a very keen business guy, and he knows how to work his angles. He has that whole 'I'm really nice' type of thing. I'm on to that shit. A lot of people are not onto that.

CBD is the next big industry bubble

[The next bubble is] CBD. I like CBD if it's the real stuff, but I think that there are a lot of fly-by-night companies right now that are trying to capitalize on it.

Adam Ottavino could strike out Babe Ruth every single time

Adam Ottavino says that he can strike out Babe Ruth every single time. Well, he definitely can right now, Babe Ruth's dead body. But seriously, I love these debates. They are what sports are all about, debating things that we can never prove.

The moon is actually just the Las Vegas area desert

I think the landing actually happened, but I think it happened in... I think the moon is just the Las Vegas area desert. [I am] a little woke on that.

Tits are officially making a comeback in 2019

This is going to be the year where tits make a comeback too. That's right. Yep. It's no longer ass season. Asses have had their little time here. People have been all about the ass.