Takes

Swag Kelly is the second-fastest quarterback in the NFL

Swag Kelly thinks he's the second fastest quarterback in the NFL, which I agree with... I think he's going to be like a sleeper that's just going to come out of nowhere and get thrown into a game.

The entire world might be made of cake

There was a video titled, 'These are all cakes.' It's like a three minute video... it blew my mind. Then everyone convinced themselves that you know, maybe the world is just a giant cake. Like the Matrix.

I need to catch a bat to test it for rabies so I don't have to get shots in my stomach

If I catch the bat then I can test the bat for rabies. So I don't have to get a bunch of shots in my stomach... I'm going to stay up all night to find this bat.

The Patriots are going to make the Super Bowl with Cam Newton

Cam Newton is going to be the starter. It's going to be electric. The Patriots are going to make the Super Bowl. It's going to be the Patriots and the Bucs and I'm going to be so excited.

Bill Belichick has always wanted a mobile quarterback to experiment with new offensive schemes

Belichick's always talking about how he wants a mobile quarterback... belch I was like, I want to get rid of you [Brady] and get a cool new toy that can run around. So like the football like porn that's going to come out of this like the X's and O's and blocking schemes... Bellatrix brain with like a mobile quarterback.

I am sexually attracted to the 'alpha' energy of Karens in public

I think I'm sexually attracted to Karens. Like I don't care what they're saying or what they're doing... Whenever I see a Karen video gets me going it's like a little bit of that craziness... They exude some kind of like, oh my God, like you just get a look from a Karen and you feel like you did something wrong.

Lacrosse is legitimate tribal warfare

Lacrosse is sick, like everyone is looking at Lacrosse wrong, like Lacrosse is just like legitimately trying Tribal Warfare in the mud... Tribal Warfare is back in form of Lacrosse.

The world will end on February 10, 2045

The world's going to end—January? No, it's going to be after the Super Bowl, February 10th. When? 2045. Okay, that's my prediction... on my 80th birthday. 2045, I'm gonna go out with a prostitute and a bad batch of heroin. Boom.

I survived COVID-19 because my immune system is strong

My immune system's pretty strong, not to brag. I body diseases pretty easily. You did survive Coronavirus. I did. Yeah.

Conor McGregor's retirement is not real

But I'm sure he's not coming back. No way. In like October. No chance. Or November. Whenever Khabib's next up to fight him.

College coaches who claim they don't know what's happening in their programs are lying

Every coach that has ever coached in college basketball or football is the biggest control freak you've ever met. They know everything. They know everything that goes on. Everything that goes on on campus, no matter what.

Going to space isn't impressive because we've already done it a lot

I think it's cool that we've done it 100,000 times already... We went to the moon in the 60s. Technology has advanced a long way. We're not going to learn anything new from Elon Musk going to the moon. It's just for him to pat himself on the back.

Complaining is the most authentic part of sports fandom, and appreciation is for when they're gone

When sports come back. I'm going to revert right back to my sports fandom instantly. I will complain about everything instantly. That's what sports fans do. That's when you know it's back, when we can complain. So don't give me this like, hey, man, just appreciate that it's back. No, no, no, no. I'm going to complain. That's what sports fans do.

I'm wearing shorts exclusively until Labor Day and will not wear pants again this summer

I packed up all my shit this weekend. I put all my sweatpants on the highest shelf where I can't reach them... I'm done with pants for the summertime. I think from this point on, from now until Labor Day, I'm going shorts only.

You cannot eat soup while wearing shorts; it's a fundamental rule

It's either short season or it's soup season. I thought about ordering soup yesterday, and I was like, it's a little too hot out. I'm wearing shorts. There's no overlap there. You can't eat soup while wearing shorts. You just can't. It doesn't go together. You can eat a popsicle.

Queso is technically a soup because it's a liquid served in a bowl

I think queso's the soup... You use like chips, which are basically spoons. They're edible spoons. Yeah, it's bread. It's like the bread that comes with soup. I think queso's the soup.

Roger Goodell will use a technicality to prevent Dave Portnoy from documenting the auction-won MNF game

I think they're going to figure out a technicality, right?... if he [Goodell] just had to sit with Goodell with no content being made. That's actually the ultimate own back on Dave. You just have to sit with this miserable person for an entire night and listen to him talk... and you can't make content out of it. That would kill Dave.

Tekashi 6ix9ine's addiction to Instagram Live will eventually lead to his downfall

this dude is so good at self-promotion... But the only downside to it is he's addicted to going live. He goes live when he's about to commit crimes. And as somebody who's on the run from people that are looking for him, I think that's going to be his downfall.

The lawsuit against Zion Williamson for allegedly receiving money to attend Duke is cloud chasing

Zion Williamson's former marketing agent has served request for admission in their lawsuit, asking him to admit that he received money... She's cloud chasing, yeah.

Murder Hornets are not a real threat because anything you can kill with a newspaper is not a problem

I'm officially done with being swayed by the Murder Hornet... fuck the Murder Hornet. If I can kill something with a newspaper, it's not a problem. It's not a problem. I'd rather be Mike Tyson's trainer or stuck in a room with one single Murder Hornet, I'd drive the Murder Hornet, I'd fuck the Murder Hornet up.

I am 'Team J' in the Jay Cutler and Kristin Cavallari divorce

I'm team J. I don't know anything, I literally don't know anything, but I'm team J. ... That's my quarterback. Frat bros gotta stick together... I am team J forever and always unless noted he gets arrested for a felony.

Leaked Wonderlic scores are a smokescreen designed to hurt Tua Tagovailoa's draft stock

They were also incorrect leaked Wonderlic scores all that which tells me it's smokescreen season for someone out there. Like someone wants the rest of the NFL to believe that Tua is dumb because they gave Tua a 13 in the first Wonderlic score. It's not true at all. That's not what he got.

I am officially back on the Tua Tagovailoa train now that the lefty witchcraft is gone

Watching [Tua Tagovailoa] throw with an NFL ball looks good. Like the witchcraft is gone or whatever... I think it goes from looking like it's spinning clockwise to looking like it's spinning counterclockwise now that it has the stripes off. So I'm fully on board the Tua train.

Global dimming will cause a short-term increase in global warming this summer

There's something called global dimming which is the effect that aerosol and all those little particles have... It actually protects us a little bit from the sun's rays and makes the earth a little bit cooler because we put so much shit into the atmosphere now that all that's dipping down. It's actually going to increase the short-term effect of global warming, so we're doubly fucked.

Internet 1.0 (less cynicism and sarcasm) is making a comeback

I'm bringing back internet 1.0... We're not trying to fuck with people were just being nice trying to signal boost all the artists out there... less sarcasm less cynicism in the internet and less like everything is the worst and we're all going to die.

Britney Spears set a world record by running the 100m dash in 5.97 seconds

Britney Spears set a world record in the 100 meter dash. She ran a hundred meters in 5.97 seconds on a treadmill which is four seconds faster than Usain Bolt... no one's gonna break that record.

Game of Thrones Season 8 was so bad that no one will rewatch it even during quarantine

I tweeted that the 8th season was so insultingly bad that people about to be locked in their houses for weeks on end and no one's going to rewatch Game of Thrones.

Breaking Bad is the best show of all time

I did the same thing that you did with Game of Thrones with Breaking Bad and I'm never really watched that show ever... it's the best show of all time.

Rick Pitino will be coaching at a Power 5 school within three years

I own a fancy. Yeah, damn Rick and so he is ready to get mean he's going to be in a power 5 school in within three years too.

Kyrie Irving is a coach killer who got Kenny Atkinson fired

My other whose back is coach killer Kyrie. Oh, so Kenny Atkinson who was many people were saying was one of the better coaches last year took a young group... He got fired yesterday and people are saying it's Kyrie and KD... Kyrie change seventh head coach in nine NBA season Kyrie Irving.

The Wisconsin Badgers are a legitimate Final Four contender

Wisconsin is back. I actually said I think I said this two weeks ago. I was sniffing around it. I am fully believing in this team. I am all the way in I could see final four. I'm all the way in. I mean I took a future hundred to one no big deal basically going to retire if they win the national championship.

Kevin Ollie is the worst coach to ever win a National Championship

I assume Kevin Ollie's still looking for a job somewhere worst coach ever to win a National Title.

Gonzaga is finally making the Final Four this year

I want to put a take out there into The Ether real quick. I think this is your Gonzaga makes a Final Four.

The NFL has audio from the Miles Garrett/Mason Rudolph incident but is refusing to release it.

The NFL should just they have to have they've got out here. Now, they know they've got audio... I think the NFL had audio because you'll remember they have audio that they play like every Tuesday on Showtime... and their excuse was they have a guy who pushes a button to stop recording in between plays. That doesn't exist.

1917 was a better movie than Parasite

I did like 1917 more, but Parasite was just as good. Like it was one of those—let the record show, 1917 was better.

Tom Brady will return to the Patriots on a $30 million per year deal

He said he's not going anywhere in the advertisement, and then a report came out today that the Patriots are willing to pay him $30 million a year... I feel good about Brady coming back.

The Miami Hurricanes are officially back because of Ed Reed and the Super Bowl

Either way, the U's back. Danny Boy Cane's got them covered... Recruits see that night game at Hard Rock Cafe Stadium in Miami Gardens, and they think the U might be back.

I'm only joining an XFL team if I have a real chance to make the roster

The practice squad offer is apparently legit. Like I'm going to get a contract if I want to go down that road... in which case I'm only going down that road if they give me an opportunity to work my way onto a team. I'm not just going to be on practice squad a year.

Bryson DeChambeau worries too much about angles and should just play golf

He does like the compass and the he does like all the math behind his shots. Just go out and shoot the ball, dude, maybe if you stop thinking about it, you'd be like Brooks [Koepka] and wind shit... You worry too much about angles buddy.

Antarctica is always freezing, regardless of whether it is 'summer' there

I was always taught that Antarctica was just always freezing. No one lives there. It's a continent that no one lives on because it's all ice... I've never probably my life got ratio so hard but people being like you fucking idiot like it's the summer in Antarctica... it's still cold, but it's colder than here.

The Lakers are peaking too early in the NBA season

The Lakers are really fucking good... peaking too early. They didn't even have Anthony Davis and LeBron the other night, and they fucking smoked the Thunder... I'm putting in the tickler file... peaking too early.

Josh McDaniels staying in New England is a beta move

Josh McDaniels is back in New England... He brought his wife with him to his interview. Kind of a beta move... Apparently, they went out for lunch at some country club with Haslam... and it was a guys-only place. So his wife had to go out to lunch [elsewhere].

The Washington Capitals will win the 2020 Stanley Cup

My who's back of the week is the Washington Capitals. So it is 2020. It is even year bullshit for the Capitals. They win the Stanley Cup every year. They won in 2018. They're about to win it again.

Derrick Henry would rush for 400 yards in an NFL game if given 57 carries

If he played the worst team in the NFL, he could probably get, if he ran him 57 times, he could probably get 400 yards.

Week 17 fantasy football leagues are for psychos

Hank, bring that up on the other side... how stupid people are who do week [17]... people that somehow keep their fantasy season going along until week 17. You're a psycho. You're a psycho if you do it.

The movie Cats will release a new version next week to exploit its own failure

I'm a little bit woke because it is getting people talking about the movie Cats... what they're doing is they're taking the movie back. They're re-editing certain scenes and sending an entirely new version out next week. So now the people that already saw it are going to want to go back and see it again.

Lane Kiffin will eventually coach at Alabama

He is he's gonna end up being like the coach of, Alabama... This is it feels like this is his second to last spot... he's very clearly looking at something else and I think that something else is Alabama.

Michigan football is a myth that is not on the same level as Ohio State or Alabama.

I'm actually kind of agree just because the Michigan myth is one of the greatest myths going in all of college sports. They have won half a national title in the last 60 years. And they make you think that they matter and that they're on the level of Alabama and USC and Ohio State and Clemson even now. ... realistic Michigan fans probably were like... We aren't going to get better.

Michigan will beat Ohio State

I think Michigan will beat Ohio State. I'm not going to say they are going to beat Ohio State... I think it's going to be a more competitive game than people thought a month ago.

Urban Meyer is the leading rumor for the Florida State job

Coaching search season is back because Willie Taggart got the axe at Florida State and now people are speculating that they're going to throw a bag at Urban Meyer, who's waiting only for the USC job or the Notre Dame job to open up.