Takes

I can tell if a player can actually play just by looking them in the eyes in the huddle

Let me look a guy in the eyes and I'll tell you if he can play or not. That's what it is. It's in the huddle. When you're in a huddle, there's false eyes and there's not. You need to be able to look a dude in his eyes and really see if that guy, if he's ready for when it's going to come.

Podcast rankings are misleading; people should check episode rankings for true listener stats

How come some podcasts randomly go higher than you guys in the podcast ranking sometimes? Does that mean they get more listeners? No, it does not. So if you start a new podcast, your podcast is always going to be... It just goes to number one. That's just how it works. The way to realize the success of shows is episodes. So if you go to the episode page, you can see where shows are ranked. Just look at the episodes, bitch.

A long-haired quarterback has never won a Super Bowl

I don't get the whole Jesus complex thing. When was the last time a long-haired quarterback won a Super Bowl? I can't think of one.

Winning the Masters will eventually be worth over $1 billion to Hideki Matsuyama

Andy North kept saying to me, you cannot comprehend the amount of pressure that's on this young man's shoulders... He's like, this is worth a billion dollars to him... This guy's 29 years old. He's got to have, you know, give him 40 years of being able to be, I'm the Masters champion in Japan. He's like, you could be a nine figure a year guy... David Duval... told me this morning, he goes, look, that's not, that's not crazy at all. He said, it might be conservative.

Tom Brady and the Patriots were using the 'Omaha' cadence before Peyton Manning

Originally, the Patriots, Tom Brady was using it back in probably 2005 and 2006. And his quarterback coach, John Huffnagle, came from the Patriots to the Giants... He had it in our playbook in 2004. So, Patriots are probably using that in 01, 02, at least... then Peyton kind of made it famous.

I genuinely didn't know the T in 'mortgage' was silent

I genuinely thought that's it. I didn't know the T was silent... I missed that once. I've gotten criticism in my broadcasting career. I've gotten destroyed for this... It's my fault. I messed up.

You must eat only white cheese if you want to live to 100

I had a cab driver once from LaGuardia who was like, if you want to live to 100, you got to eat only white cheese. He's like, the minute you eat yellow cheese, you're going to kill yourself... He said it was such authority that I was like, damn. He must be right.

Shohei Ohtani is the modern-day Babe Ruth

Shohei Ohtani is fucking electric. He throws one-on-one in the first inning, and then he hits a fucking ball... bomb in the bottom of the first... he's like the modern day Babe Ruth.

Roy Williams has been a better coach than Coach K since he joined the ACC

I actually do feel like my take about [Roy Williams] being a better coach than Coach K has been vindicated at this point. Since he's been at North Carolina, North Carolina has five Final Four appearances. Duke's only had three. They've won the ACC in the regular season nine times to Coach K's three since he's been there. I think in terms of the ACC, it actually is cut and dry that Roy Williams has been a better coach since he's gotten to the ACC.

More than 80% of Major League pitchers doctor the baseball in some way

What percentage of non-athletics pitchers in general do you think are doctoring the ball in some way, shape, or form? I would say probably somewhere in the north of 80%... In terms of guys that just like that would use pine tar or something of that nature.

A basketball team's pace of play does not correlate to their defensive efficiency

I don't think pace of play correlates to defensive efficiency at all, which you can tell. I mean, we're top three in the country in defensive efficiency. We've been number one for a few weeks... on our offense is one of the fastest, if not the fastest in power five. So I think we can still push the pace on offense and then demand a lot out of them on defense and get stops.

You are statistically less likely to have shrimp in your next box of Cinnamon Toast Crunch

Statistically, you're more less likely to have shrimp in your next box. [Big Cat: No, but it was zero] ... No, it's like once in a blue moon.

If I get into a fight, I would be charged with murder because my hands are registered weapons

I got legal hands, I can't fight anybody. No seriously, like legally I'd get murder not manslaughter if I get into a fight with someone... because I was registered in a professional boxing match.

I considered Boston, Golden State, and Portland before signing with the Nets

I will tell you some of the teams... I really liked Boston. I really liked Golden State. I really liked Portland. There was a few other teams... but I had a tough decision. But ultimately, I had to do what was best for me and I think my ability to get a dunk.

Every NFL contract is effectively a two-year deal

The way to look at every single contract in the NFL is it's a two-year deal. No matter how many dollars they throw out there, how many years they throw out there, everyone just signed a two-year deal and then they can cut. If you look at every contract like that, it all kind of makes sense.

Drake's Scary Hours 2 tracks are currently holding the top three spots on the Billboard charts

Drake released three new songs last week, and they're now one, two, and three on the Billboard [Hot 100].

This Gonzaga team is significantly better than the 2017 team that reached the title game

If you think Gonzaga is just like every other Gonzaga team in your mind, you're a moron. This team would beat the 2017 team, that was two minutes away from a national title, by like 10 or 15 probably. They have four guys that were finalists for their position awards in the entire country.

Taysom Hill's $140 million contract extension is 'made up money' and a victory for his agent

This is Shefty's masterpiece of bowing down to the agents and tweeting whatever they ask him to tweet... I'd be mad that Shefty tweeted this... It says $140 million, all years voidable, and he has $12 million guaranteed. He signed a $140 million contract for $12 million.

Disc golf is the number one sport in Finland

I believe disc golf is the number one sport in Finland. Yeah, so over there it's absolutely crazy... there'll be 5,000 people walking down the sides of the fairways. It's insane.

The United States is ending Daylight Savings Time permanently

The United States Senate is passing a bill saying that we're not going to do daylight savings time ever again. So your clocks stay where they are... It looks like we're not going to be changing our clocks this summer. Ever again. Ever again.

Tom Wilson would have been suspended for a full year if he had hit Connor McDavid

If Tom Wilson would have done what he did to Connor McDavid, he probably would have got a full year sussy. I think it's getting to the place where they've got to really protect those guys.

The Washington Football Team paid for Twitter bots to praise Dan Snyder

I started to notice that over the last two days, there were a shitload of accounts that had been created in October of 2020 that were all tweeting things about Dan Snyder. It'll shock you to find out that there are more than likely hundreds of bots that were all created around the same time to just heap praise on Dan Snyder. Dan Snyder, essentially, somebody in the Redskins organization paid for a shitload of Twitter bots to just do nothing all day but tweet praise for Dan Snyder.

The March version of the 2021 Arkansas Razorbacks would beat the November version by 15 to 18 points.

This current Razorback team playing in March would probably beat our November Razorback team by about 15 to 18 is what I would roughly guess. We're more confident.

A basketball team that makes over 200 passes in a game is unlikely to lose.

We found if we move the ball 200 plus passes, we're not going to lose many games. And then the games that we play really poorly offensively are usually our lowest passing games.

JJ Watt signed with the Cardinals because they offered the most guaranteed money

J.J. Watt is signing with the Cardinals. I just assume it's the most money... it's the most guaranteed money. I know Kyler Murray and all this stuff. I think it's the most guaranteed money and he probably just didn't want to play in the cold.

I can still throw the ball 40 yards but would regret being hit

In a real life football game, you don't throw it 80 yards. You throw it, you know, two, three yards, five, 10, 15, maybe an occasional 40. But I can do that. I just – they can't promise me they're not going to hit me... I'm 51 years old... so going back to play, I could do it. But I think the repercussions would be – I would regret it certainly.

NFL quarterbacks are beginning to dictate their trade destinations like NBA stars

The quarterbacks in the NFL, like we're starting to see similar to, you know, all stars or top 10 guys in the NBA being able to, especially essentially dictate where they go, even while under contract that's now happening with quarterbacks in the NFL. And we're kind of just getting to that point where people are starting to realize it because think about it. This really hasn't... you have Russell Wilson and Deshaun Watson, two guys who are franchise quarterbacks who are... essentially saying, get me out of here.

Tommy Pham is only alive because he has too much muscle to be killed by a knife

Doctors told Tommy Pham after he was stabbed that if he wasn't so muscular, he would maybe be dead or paralyzed, which is the greatest flex of all time. Being like, if I was a weak fucking scrawny bitch boy, I'd be dead. But instead, I'm an alpha male with a shitload of muscles so I can handle a stabbing.

The blood on Curt Schilling's sock in the 2004 ALCS was fake paint

My conspiracy is the Curt Schilling sock because there's actually some smoke to that. There's some evidence that the blood on the sock was not actually blood... I do think that it's a shitload of paint that got put back there to make Curt Schilling look like he was pitching his absolute balls off.

Michael Jordan was suspended for gambling in 1993 and the league kept it under wraps

The reason why he retired originally in 93 was because he got suspended for gambling... I heard how this conspiracy goes is that they actually suspended him, but they just kept it under wraps because it would have been bad for the league.

Tony Finau is officially cursed by the Puerto Rico Open

Tony Finau is officially cursed... There's a legitimate curse out there, and I'm so fucking in on it. So the Puerto Rico Open, Puerto Rico Open, that is the one win that Tony Finau has... 11-year history. No winner has gone on to win any other tournament after they won the Puerto Rico Open.

Tom Brady text the entire team every morning at 5:30 AM before the Super Bowl saying we will win

He was just telling us, we will win this game. You know, our hard work we're doing throughout the week, you know, he made sure that, you know, just like we all did. It'd be 5:30 of the morning before. I guess he's the first person up. You know, he leads by example.

Zebras run toward grass fires because they can't outrun them

Zebras run towards grass fires because they know they can run through them and get to the other side that's burnt out because they can't outrun the fire.

JJ Watt has more ties to potential teams than any free agent in NFL history

I would contend that JJ Watt being a free agent, he has the most ties to the most teams, strong ties to the most teams that a free agent has ever had.

I can bench press and out-squat DK Metcalf

[DK Metcalf] was saying that he could bench press more than you... [Donald:] Yes... He's a wide receiver. I'm a defensive lineman. So we live different... [PFT: Squatting?] We live different.

Tom Brady's 'drunk' tweet and stumble off the boat were a choreographed joke.

I'm very woke about the drunk Tom Brady tweet thing because I think it was on purpose... He was having fun with the fact that people thought he was too hammered to walk after he got off the boat. I think they were doing it as a joke. I think the guys were like, 'hey, let's pretend that Tom, you're so hammered that you can't walk.' Tom Brady has gotten so good at the Internet in the last three years that I think he's fucking with everybody.

The eagle on the 17th hole at the Waste Management Open was 'stupid luck'

No, that was just dumb luck that it went in. That was just real dumb luck... I'll be honest with you, it shouldn't have gone [in]. That's just stupid luck, man.

Tom Brady has more Super Bowls than 18 NFL franchises combined

Tom Brady has more Super Bowls than the Bears, Jets, Saints, Rams, Seahawks, Eagles, Bills, Vikings, Bengals, Panthers, Falcons, Chargers, Titans, Cardinals, Browns, Lions, Texans, Jaguars combined. That's 18 teams combined. More than half of the league, and he has more Super Bowls than those 18 teams, 18 franchises combined.

Jose Canseco is not a real fighter; I have seen him hide in the dugout during brawls

Jose is not a fighter. I see personally drill him. Drill him. And half of the team was in the middle of the field when we turned around. Jose is still in the dugout. Jose is not a fighter. Jose just wanted you to show him respect and love when he was playing.

Viruses do not have nuclei

Viruses don't have nuclei.

Adult laughter is a release of social tension and uncomfortability

When we're babies, we don't laugh for that reason. When we're babies, we laugh out of joy. When we get older, we laugh out of uncomfortability. So you're diaphragm contracting... is a release of social tension and uncomfortability.

The first recorded joke in history was a fart joke

The first recorded joke... was from the 19th century BC, 1900 BC. And it's a Sumerian joke... about a young bride who farts as she sits on her husband's lap.

Dippin' Dots is a depreciating asset

I learned a lesson, which is Dippin' Dots is a depreciating asset. Yeah, absolutely. No regrets.

Six people can fit in a whale's vagina

Wales, you can fit six people in a Wales [whale's] vagina. Sick.

The NFL will let Patrick Mahomes play in the AFC Championship regardless of his concussion status

I forgot that Roger Goodell was in charge of the NFL. Yeah. You thought for a second that we actually cared about player safety. Roger Goodell probably would delay the game by week... just to make Patrick Mahomes play... their star player is going to play and they'll find any way to spin it that it wasn't a concussion.

Julian Edelman is not retiring from football yet

Right now, we're being a dad right now, and we're sitting back, and we're training, getting our body ready for the next year... We're not there yet [on retiring]. Right now it's the time, like I said, it's going to be, this whole year was so jacked up, man. I just need to decompress for a little bit.

The dysfunction in the Houston Texans' front office involves things too bad for television

Dan Orlovsky was talking about the Texans GM mess... and he said that it's worse than is being reported... and it's so bad I can't say it on television... How bad could it get that you can't say it on television? ... Is it satanic orgies?

Part of My Take is the undisputed number one podcast

Bangers. No matter what. That's just a fact. Pardon My Take is number one... We don't brag because, you know what, when you get to a point where you just don't have to brag because the people know. The real people know. Don't let everyone else try to tell you some other story. Just know what it is and how it's been for basically five years.

Deshaun Watson definitely wants out of Houston

Deshaun Watson definitely wants out. I read an article. They essentially got hijacked by like a chaplain. Jack Easterby, he went into the office and made Cal McNair pray with him.

Josh Allen struggles significantly when he is pressured

Josh Allen has faced eight top 10 blitz heavy teams... and he's done well against the blitz. But there's a difference between a blitz and pressure... And Josh Allen has massively bad splits when he is being pressured.