Takes

V.J. Edgecombe's NBA debut was the best since Wilt Chamberlain

VJ Edgecombe. Absolute beast. That's how, that's how you rebuild right there... Best NBA debut since Wilt Chamberlain. Wow. It's crazy. It's a crazy stat. Most points in his NBA debut since Wilt Chamberlain... 34 [points] in a win over the Celtics.

Nikola Jokic cares more about his horses winning than winning NBA championships

It was abundantly clear that [Jokic] cares more about his horse winning races than he does about winning NBA championships.

Jim Irsay was the first NFL owner with the 'balls' to stand up to Dan Snyder

I will never forget the fact that he is the first owner to have the balls to say fuck you to Dan Snyder when Snyder threatened to blackmail every other owner. And he goes, yeah, try me. 'cause everything that I've done is out in the open.

Kidney stone pain is worse than childbirth

Also, the doctor again for the second time told me that this pain is worse than childbirth. Which I will not be saying to any women, but it's true... I've given birth to like 13 kidney stones. I'm as tough as Philip Rivers' wife.

Beards are causing baseball injuries because the face is connected to the elbow

My who's back is baseball injuries 'cause Garrett Cole's out for the year... Bad Tommy John. They should never change the rules about shaving your face. Like this, this would not have happened if he was clean shaven. That's true. That's your, your face. Your face is connected to your shoulder, to your elbow.

The 2024 White Sox are a historically bad anomaly, worse than the 1940s Phillies

The Chicago White Sox who are on a 20 game losing streak... If you just erased their 14 game losing streak and their 20 game losing streak, they would still have the worst winning percentage in baseball this year... Only two managers in baseball history have at least 200 games managed for the same team, and a winning percentage under 333... Pedro Grifol and a guy named Dr. James Prothro, who managed the Phillies during World War II.

The winners of the John Deere Classic always stay in the same rental home in Illinois

For the last three years, each winner of the John Deere Classic has stayed in the same rental home in Illinois. Whoa. It's officially the trophy house. Davis Thompson, SEP Straka, JT Poston.

Tiger Woods definitely used HGH to come back from his injuries

Tiger If you ever wanna come on the podcast... did Tiger ever do do steroids? You think I Why doesn't it get talked about though? ... He definitely, it's just out of respect for him. Is it, is it deference? He definitely used it to come back from stuff for sure. ... I think he without a doubt a hundred percent used HGH to come back from injuries.

MLB will fix the uniform lettering and sweat-wicking issues by the 2025 season

There was a report that came out that basically said Nike fucked up the uniforms. We're working to fix 'em. We're gonna get the bigger names in the back of the jerseys and everything should be fixed at the latest, at the start of the 2025 season.

Caitlin Clark currently faces ten times more hate than Duke.

I don't even know how, how people have found this much hate in their heart for [Caitlin Clark] again. She she has like Duke Times 10 hate. Yeah. It's crazy.

Flaco the Owl was likely murdered and didn't just die from a building collision

It says he didn't break any bones, but he sustained massive hemorrhaging inside his body. This seems like somebody else had a hand in it. We need to check the flight logs. Was Flaco on the list? This Owl probably had information that would've led to the arrest and subsequent conviction of Hillary Clinton.

The 'pregnant' stingray Charlotte isn't actually pregnant and is just fat

Charlotte, the pregnant Stingray has still not given birth, which makes me think this might be a publicity stunt... if a shark had relations with a female Stingray who is pregnant even though she hasn't seen a male stingray in eight years... we need a conclusion to this. Otherwise she's just fat.

Every Arizona fan is scared to play Wisconsin in the tournament

Every Arizona fan heard you say that and like, Max is the dumbest person ever. He doesn't know ball. Every Arizona fan is scared of Wisconsin. That's a fact... We whooped them twice in the Elite Eight to go to the Final Four.

Shohei Ohtani to the Dodgers is not more impactful than Jackie Robinson

Ben Verlander... said that Shohei Ohtani to the Dodgers is the most important signing in Dodgers history... Jackie Robinson? ... Pretty impactful. The word impactful was really interesting to us. Most important, most impactful.

Donald Trump is the best golfer in the United States

Rick Re says that it wasn't actually 67. I don't be a hater, Rick. He says it was more like an 86... [Trump] is the best golfer in the United States.

Jordan Spieth is wearing a cheap $500 Instagram ad suit that hides 'fat and frumpy' bodies

Jordan Spieth has a lot, a lot of money. But I think I have that same suit and I understand what happened. ... I think he's wearing a $500 Instagram suit. ... It's a stretchy material that doesn't iron well. And so it's like, it's like a, it's like almost like a, it's like an Under Armour shirt in a suit form.

There are more trees in Canada than there are stars in the Milky Way

You know what I learned today? There's more trees in Canada than there are Stars in the Milky Way. Is that true? Damn. Yeah. I went to a museum today.

The East River is full of prehistoric bison bones dumped by a developer

Dirty Water Don... he's found a bone. He found a jawbone of a steppe bison, which is just a prehistoric, gigantic bison. He found the jawbone in the East River. So that means that it is true. There were tons of bones dump there. It means that they're sniffing in the right place.

I can hit 8 out of 10 free throws easily

Someone said, how many free throws would you make out of 10? I was like, in my day, I was a prolific free throw shooter... I can easily hit 8 outta 10. Might have been a little ambitious. I went four out of 10 the first time.

The James Harden to Houston rumors are true

Harden says quote, 'I don't know where you found that report.' ... He was being so wishy-washy, but it was like, 'I don't know where you found that report.' And then it's like, yep, that's it. [The rumors are true].

LeBron James is lying about when he started listening to Migos

LeBron today wore an outfit... a reporter asked him... he said 'I love Migos. I've been listening to them since I was in Miami in 2010.' The Migos didn't start putting music out until 2011 and they weren't really popular until 2013... just no reason to lie whatsoever.

Red Bull is cheating in Formula 1

I've found my perfect niche niches that I don't watch any second of the race. And then just say someone cheated after. Cause it was great. It was like, I didn't watch a second a Monaco. And then I was like red bull cheats.

Carlos Alcaraz is making the tennis world go crazy by beating the top three seeds

Carlos Alcaraz... 19 year old, beat Rafa, Djokovic and Zverev who apparently is the number two. So he beat one, two and three on his way to the championship. Tennis is back. I mean, sports world is on fire because of this kid.

Bigfoot is currently in the state of Ohio

My last who's back is big foot. There's been pictures of a big foot sighting... I've tracked it down to Ohio. There was some Bama people claiming that they found them in Bama... but I just want to correct it and let you know that Bigfoot is currently in Ohio.

Malik Willis threw the ball 73.72 yards at the NFL Combine

Doing some Pythagoras theorem on Malik Willis' absolute gigantic throw. So he threw it 60 yards down the field. But if you [calculate] the hypotenuse of how actually far you threw in a straight line, it got out to 73.72.

Five years is the official amount of time for a meme to become funny again

It's the perfect time for it to come full circle. Cause we've, we've predicted, we've had this conversation off air many times. Like when do you think Harambe jokes are going to be funny again? I think five years is now officially the amount of time when something can become fun again.

The Rams are the first team ever to play a Super Bowl in their own home stadium

This could be the first Superbowl ever slayed by a team in its own home stadium. It's the Rams. Make it to the Superbowl. It's never been done before.

Breaking your ribs feels the same as being shot

You know, Rob Gronkowski is stealing more valor. He said that when he broke his ribs, he's never been shot before. But when he broke his ribs, he thought it was like how it feels to get shot.

There are more complete-game one-hitters than no-hitters in MLB history

I'll bet that there's more. [Complete game one-hitters]. I'm not a math guy, but I'm rolling with math on this one.

Kim Jong-un faked his coma to test the loyalty of his inner circle

Kim Jong-un is back from the coma... His sister has now disappeared. So I think that he did a little switch to make sure to see who's loyal to him.

A unified Yugoslavian Olympic basketball team would be one of the best in the world

Doncic, Bogdanovic, Bojan Bogdanovic, Jokic, Vucevic, Dragic... If Yugoslavia remained today, their Olympic team national team would actually be pretty good.

Swag Kelly is the second-fastest quarterback in the NFL

Swag Kelly thinks he's the second fastest quarterback in the NFL, which I agree with... I think he's going to be like a sleeper that's just going to come out of nowhere and get thrown into a game.

I survived COVID-19 because my immune system is strong

My immune system's pretty strong, not to brag. I body diseases pretty easily. You did survive Coronavirus. I did. Yeah.

Leaked Wonderlic scores are a smokescreen designed to hurt Tua Tagovailoa's draft stock

They were also incorrect leaked Wonderlic scores all that which tells me it's smokescreen season for someone out there. Like someone wants the rest of the NFL to believe that Tua is dumb because they gave Tua a 13 in the first Wonderlic score. It's not true at all. That's not what he got.

Global dimming will cause a short-term increase in global warming this summer

There's something called global dimming which is the effect that aerosol and all those little particles have... It actually protects us a little bit from the sun's rays and makes the earth a little bit cooler because we put so much shit into the atmosphere now that all that's dipping down. It's actually going to increase the short-term effect of global warming, so we're doubly fucked.

Britney Spears set a world record by running the 100m dash in 5.97 seconds

Britney Spears set a world record in the 100 meter dash. She ran a hundred meters in 5.97 seconds on a treadmill which is four seconds faster than Usain Bolt... no one's gonna break that record.

The NFL has audio from the Miles Garrett/Mason Rudolph incident but is refusing to release it.

The NFL should just they have to have they've got out here. Now, they know they've got audio... I think the NFL had audio because you'll remember they have audio that they play like every Tuesday on Showtime... and their excuse was they have a guy who pushes a button to stop recording in between plays. That doesn't exist.

Urban Meyer is the leading rumor for the Florida State job

Coaching search season is back because Willie Taggart got the axe at Florida State and now people are speculating that they're going to throw a bag at Urban Meyer, who's waiting only for the USC job or the Notre Dame job to open up.

Novak Djokovic's shoulder injury at the US Open was real and only worsened as the match progressed

Because it [Djokovic's injury] got worse and worse as he lost the first two sets, idiot. You lose the first two sets, and then it's like, ow, my fucking arm really hurts.

Joe Flacco is statistically the worst starting quarterback of the last five years

Does John Elway realize that Joe Flacco statistically in the last five years is the worst starting quarterback you could have?

LeBron James wants to reunion with Kyrie Irving on the Lakers

LeBron Instagram storied a song called Rewind and said, 'this is that shit, Kyrie Irving.' ... LeBron James wanted to go back in time, press that rewind button, and have Kyrie on his team.

The clutch gene is a real muscle that can be strengthened

Researchers who study the brains of athletes believe more and more that a so-called clutch gene exists. They've seen enough incremental improvement through brain training that they regarded as a muscle capable of being built and likewise atrophying.

The World Cup ball skips too much this year

When you see that ball take its first bounce on a long pass, it skips. So in every World Cup, at the very start of it, people always freak out about something weird with the ball... This one, the ball skips. So I'm getting out ahead of that one. It skips a little bit too far, and you see a lot of whiffs on half volleys.

No two nations that have McDonald's have ever had a war against each other

No two nations that have McDonald's have ever had a war against each other. Please credit Pardon My Take. Please credit us for inventing that economic principle.

Millennials are saving the frozen food industry

Frozen food is also back. So a lot of people bash us millennials and say we're only good for avocados and things of that nature. But it turns out that millennials are saving the frozen food industry.

There is a 0% chance the falling Chinese satellite hits me

There's 0% chance the Chinese satellite hits me. Okay. 0% chance. I'm just saying. I'm not scared.

Freddie Adu is back and American soccer is saved

Freddie Adu is back, and therefore U.S. soccer is back... News soon. Oh. Yeah. So he's back. He's the future. He is the future of American soccer.

The Big Ten won the bowl season

The first one is... the Big Ten. Won the bowl season. Many people are saying the Big Ten won the bowl season. Seven and one in bowls. And dominated, just dominated everyone.

Blake Bortles is the Jaguars' QB1 for the 2017 season

Blake Bortles is back... he is QB1 for the season. All you haters out there. Blake Bortles, QB1, Jacksonville Jaguars. Write it down.

Pumpkin Spice is officially back because stores are already displaying it in August.

My first who's back of the week is Pumpkin Spice. ... Walking to a grocery store, walking to any type of store, you will see ... It's just who's back of the week. And who's back of the week is pumpkin spice.