Takes

There is a conspiracy to prevent Americans from eating turkey eggs

I think that there's a conspiracy theory out there for us to not eat turkey eggs... It sounds to me like the most dangerous game. Like, it probably tastes better because it's so hard to get them. [Big Cat: They're rare.] Now I really want to eat turkey eggs because of everything this website has told me.

Never trust meat made from plant proteins

My hot seat is McDonald's they're releasing a McPlant... never trust a man made a plant proteins.

Low-fat ice cream brands should just put real ice cream in the containers to trick customers

This is a perfect idea. Come out with a low-fat ice cream, say it's like 250 calories per pint, but just put real ice cream in it and people are going to be like, 'Holy shit, this tastes amazing for low fat.' And nobody would ever catch you.

Everything is an ingredient and every meal needs beer

Billy has three rules as a cook. Rule number one is they're all ingredients. That's his saying when you say Billy what the fuck are you doing right now that smells and looks terribly says they're all ingredients. Dude. Number two is let the meat talk. So that means just don't put any seasoning on any meat just Talk and number three is every meal cooked needs beer. So that Billy can drink it.

An Oreo is a frosting sandwich, not a cookie

If you took an Oreo and took, you know, the top part off, that single black chip is a cookie... What do you think Oreos are cookies? It's a frosting sandwich.

Washing Oreos with water is a delicious way to eat them

Would you wash an Oreo with water? Yes. Always... No, try it. Next time you get some Oreos. Hank does. It's actually delicious.

The hyper-realistic cakes seen in viral videos look amazing but definitely taste like shit.

I guarantee those cakes, they looked awesome, but I guarantee they taste like shit. Oh, yeah, because they have to use like the different sugar to make it like the hard sugar and stuff. It's a complete waste of cake.

The Popeyes chicken sandwich is better than Chick-fil-A

I think the Popeye's is better. Yes, it's a little bit bigger, it's a little crunchier. Popeyes is better but Popeyes also will set you back a little.

Every real meal must include meat

I just think you need to have meat if you're eating a meal. There has to be meat. I'm trying to think of what meal I would eat without meat... mac and cheese I think is better without meat, but every single meal is better with meat.

Cheese pizza and mac and cheese are essentially the exact same thing

I just realized it cheese pizza and mac and cheese are essentially the exact same thing. Correct? So is yeah given to you differently cooked harder.

Wine snobs are 99% full of shit

It kind of reveals what I thought all along—why people are full of shit. Most of them are. 99% of them... I think that most people could probably tell the difference between a seven dollar bottle wine and like a $70 bottle, but anything above that you can be influenced by a cool-looking label.

No one can tell the difference between wines once the price is above $70

I think that most people could probably tell the difference between a seven dollar bottle wine and like a $70 bottle, but anything above that you can be influenced by a cool-looking label. It could be influenced by somebody who talks with enough authority that he's telling you that this is good.

You cannot eat soup while wearing shorts; it's a fundamental rule

It's either short season or it's soup season. I thought about ordering soup yesterday, and I was like, it's a little too hot out. I'm wearing shorts. There's no overlap there. You can't eat soup while wearing shorts. You just can't. It doesn't go together. You can eat a popsicle.

Queso is technically a soup because it's a liquid served in a bowl

I think queso's the soup... You use like chips, which are basically spoons. They're edible spoons. Yeah, it's bread. It's like the bread that comes with soup. I think queso's the soup.

Waffle House is one of America's finest institutions

Waffle House is one of America's finest institutions. ... If you're a millionaire, you should still be going to Waffle House on a regular basis. It is the best night food. It's the best breakfast food.

The KFC Famous Bowl is a 'failure pile' that represents how you eat when you are suicidal

I keep seeing people say the phrase 'failure pile in the sadness bowl.' It's how I described the Kentucky Fried Chicken Famous Bowl where they just Kentucky Fried Chicken gave up and go, 'let's just put our menu in a bowl and covered it in cheese and gravy.' They created an entree that is how you eat when you're suicidal. And America said, 'yes, finally, that's what I want.'

The perfect bite of pizza is the 'transition bite' right before you reach the full crust

My third one is going to be when you get the perfect bite of pizza and what I mean by that is it's got some crust but it also has some tomato sauce and cheese left right before you get full crust. So it's the transition bite... that is so deep to me.

Candy sent out for Heisman campaigns is good forever and will not expire.

I heard it's a good forever as lifelong candy... [Tom Fornelli] should be good. But if you get sick, you know, I didn't say anything.

Tomato juice only tastes good when you are on a flight.

Tomato juice is so gross to pick and anyone who says 'oh, it's not that bad' they're just lying because they like it with vodka... I've noticed that people only drink tomato juice on flights... Tomato juice tastes better on an airplane.

Dasani is the worst bottled water in the world.

My first one I'm going to go straight forward and say Dasani. Dasani water is trash, all of it, it's the world's worst water. It just tastes like shit.

Coconut water is a lie and tastes terrible.

I'm gonna go with coconut water. Trash. Someone tried to sell us that coconut water fixes hangovers. That's a fucking lie. Coconut water stinks. I don't like it. It just gives you a weird aftertaste. Just drink regular water.

There is no difference between 1%, 2%, and whole milk.

I do [drink whole milk]... I just have strong bones. I bet you big guy, we do a taste test, I would be able to... there's no difference.

Any soda with 'Zero' in the name is not a real soda and is trash.

Any soda that has a zero is just not a real soda. You try and get it as an option called Mountain Dew Zero, Sprite Zero... Trash.

Anchovies are actually delicious and only hated because of Ninja Turtles propaganda

Anchovies are not that bad. They only get a bad rap because of cartoons. You were told from a young age [by] the Ninja Turtles... That's actually not at all what anchovies are. They are delicious. They just taste like salt... There's been a tremendous propaganda effort against anchovies and sardines for most of my adult life.

Raw onions on a burger are a lazy topping that overpowers everything else

I'm going to go with raw onion. Just raw onion on a burger. It doesn't matter if it's red or if it's white onion—it can overpower the entire rest of the day. It's significant... it's a sign of a shitty sports bar burger.

Artichokes are a disgusting pizza topping

Artichokes are disgusting... Artichokes on pizza is disgusting. As soon as you start doing dips, because every dip when you're like, 'Oh yeah, the spinach artichoke dip is good'—it's like probably a shitload of butter or cheese that makes it good.

Shrimp is a disgusting pizza topping

Shrimp on pizza is disgusting... The texture of shrimp on pizza is very disgusting. It's like the cheese and the shrimp together just don't work. Cheese and shrimp? I wouldn't have cheese and shrimp.

Alfalfa sprouts on a sandwich are like flossing with disgusting pew hair

I'm going to go with alfalfa sprouts. Sprouts in general on a sandwich. It's like you're flossing with pew... jolly green giant. Really, really disgusting stuff.

Gummy bears are a terrible ice cream topping because they get rock hard

Gummy bears on ice cream... disgusting. They get so hard when you go to like frozen yogurt bars. The consistency of a gummy bear is completely ruined when it's put on ice cream and the flavors never match up.

Animal style fries at In-N-Out are wildly overrated

Animal style sauce on fries at In-N-Out. I think it's wildly overrated. I really do. Animal sauce on the burger... that adds something. Animal sauce on fries just becomes disgusting and you're like what are we doing eating a bunch of soggy fries? It's a cool hipster thing to do.

Heinz is the perfect ketchup and house-made versions are always inferior

I'm going to go with homemade ketchup or house-made ketchup. If you're at a restaurant and they have like a burger or fries and you ask for ketchup and they make it themselves—I just can't stop thinking all I ever want is Heinz. Heinz will never be topped... I would rather die on my feet than die also on my knees eating inferior ketchup.

Ketchup is a disgusting mask for people with bad taste

Ketchup period. Ketchup is disgusting. Anyone who jumps—it's a mask. It's the same as buffalo sauce. If you need to have ketchup—like people that eat pizza but I need to have ketchup... it's just a masquerade. People that eat ketchup get addicted to it.

Calamari is a trash appetizer

Calamari. Everyone always orders it. I'm always at tables where they just like, oh, well, just get calamari, assuming I want calamari. I'm just like no... if you don't have sauce, it's disgusting.

Deviled eggs are gross as a party appetizer

I think deviled eggs are gross to eat like an appetizer form. Like if you're out and you eat a deviled egg, it's like okay have cool egg breath for the rest of the fucking night, dude.

The Bloomin' Onion is a disappointment; just order onion rings

Whenever you order it, it's always disappointment. The Bloomin' Onion. Think about it, like why? Just order onion rings.

Sautéing onions with butter is the greatest smell ever

Sautéing onions is like the greatest smell ever. Yeah, some butter.

Circus Peanuts are the most trash candy ever invented

My first one is no-brainer: circus peanuts. They suck. Universally regarded as the most trash candy to ever be invented... I think they're just invented so like dads can have candy that they know that their kids won't eat.

Rolos are trash because they feel like they are going to pull your teeth out

Rolos are trash. You take a bite of Rolos, I feel like every time I take a bite of Rolos my tooth is coming out with it.

Milk Duds are a trap because they get stuck in your teeth for four hours

I fucking hate Milk Duds. You never eaten a Milk Dud it didn't get stuck in your teeth for fucking hours? The most annoying candy to eat... It's like a fucking trap every time.

Hot dog water is a top-four worst type of water

I've got hot dog water. It is the equivalent of juicing a diet. Remnants of bathroom hot dog water... that's the most disgusting thing you've ever said in your entire life.

PB&J on hot dog rolls is a superior sandwich method and I'm never going back

I've been making PB and J's and hot dog rolls and honestly, I'm never going back. Yeah, PB&J doesn't fall out of the sample. It falls out of sandwiches in the hot dog roll. It's like a taco, you know.

Wheaties taste like an old person's butthole

Wheaties. Mmm great boxes and they're great workers because they just they made everyone who wins an Olympic gold medal want to be on the cover of their cereal box, even though their cereal tastes like shit tastes like an old person's like butthole.

Frosted Flakes is easily the worst cereal option

This is way more controversial than my last one. But easily my least favorite cereal Frosted Flakes... growing up and I go to my friend's house for sleepovers or whatever and they go on Frosted Flakes. No disgusting.

Honey Bunches of Oats is the greatest cereal hack for eating sugar disguised as health food

I'm also happy that no one said Honey Bunches of Oats Because that's the greatest like hack of eating healthy, but it's really just sugar cereal agreed that I love Honey Bunches of Oats. It's my whole unit like, oh, yeah. I'm eating healthy here.

Medium Rare Plus is a legitimate and superior steak temperature

PFT, you just won't believe me that medium rare plus exists, even though every time we go somewhere I order it and the waitress here... they always say yes. [Restaurants] will always err on the side of rare [when you order medium rare], so that's why I get plus.

Bar-Bill Tavern is the best wing spot in Buffalo

Have you picked a wing spot? Yeah, Bar-Bill Tavern.

Frosted Flakes milk is a top-five milk

Frosted Flakes milk is a top-five milk. I think. Oh, no doubt. No doubt.

Skyline Chili is disgusting

I hate that stuff. It's not real chili. It's just sauce... Cincinnati's going to hate me, but I hate that stuff.

Pumpkin pie is not on the Mount Rushmore of pies

Pumpkin pie does not make [the Mount Rushmore]... It is in no way on the Mount Rushmore.

The dry pasta appetizer at Campagnolo is more life-altering than Clear or TSA PreCheck

Dry pasta appetizer at Campagnolo is more life-altering than Clear or TSA PreCheck. They do a tri-pasta appetizer—they do a penne with a red sauce and an amatriciana, and a white mushroom and gnocchi with a pesto—it is life-altering.