Takes

LaRon Landry is the number one steroid user because he is 'half Hulk.'

Number one [steroid user], I got LaRon Landry. Oh, you're going outside of baseball. Okay. There were a couple pictures of LaRon where it was like, this dude is half Hulk.

Jay Cutler will never make 'the leap' at age 32.

I'm not scared of Cutler... I don't think [him putting it all together] is going to happen.

The veteran kicker will beat out the young leg in training camp 99 times out of 100

A lot of times you'll have a veteran kicker on a team to bring in a young leg... And the veteran kicker always wins the job, like 99 times out of 100.

Eddie Lacy might show up fat to training camp overnight

There's a good chance that [Eddie Lacy] might become fat overnight and be fat again. This is going to be an ongoing storyline throughout the entire camp.

Free agent signings coming from Super Bowl teams won't be as good on their new shitty teams

The free agent signing who's maybe coming from a Super Bowl team and he's bringing a winning culture... [is] probably not going to be anywhere near as good as he was with the Super Bowl team because he was surrounded by really good players. And now he's on your shitty team, surrounded by trash.

Robert Griffin III being ranked as a top 5 Redskins QB is an insult since he only played with five

Santana Moss actually just came out with his own mini Mount Rushmore... of top five quarterbacks he played with... and RG3 came in the top five. He was five... and those were the only five he played with. But still, top five is top five.

Dak Prescott will be the Cowboys starting quarterback in about a year

I'm going to say about a year. Now, of course, if Romo gets hurt this year, then, of course, I think he may be done. But if he's not, then about a year or two.

Ezekiel Elliott will rush for at least 200 yards in his rookie season

I think [Ezekiel Elliott] is going to put up like bare minimum at least – you can quote me on this – at least 200 yards this year. At least.

Mark Sanchez's 'Sanchise' nickname was a bad one that didn't age well

Steve Francis and Mark Sanchez, Stevie Franchise, Mark Sanchez... Both guys turns out do not make your franchise. Those are unfortunate nicknames when you actually look at how they play. The Sanchise nickname felt like a nickname that Rex Ryan came up with to convince himself.

I could still play in the NFL, but I'm too washed up to get an invite

I think that I probably could [play]... [but] I got no real invites. I'm too washed up, man. Too much of a has-been.

JJ Watt grunts and moans while chasing quarterbacks

No, [JJ Watt] is not a big talker at all. Like it's kind of – you kind of just – you hear him like grunting and moaning behind you as he's coming. He just makes noises, really.

A number never won a Super Bowl

Here's a stat for you. A number never won a Super Bowl. Fact.

Laremy Tunsil should quit social media and just play ball

Quit social media. Lock yourself away. Just hang with my guy Pouncey down there. Hang with Tannehill. Hang around good guys like that. And you know what? Just do your thing because all that other stuff has nothing to do with football.

The Green Bay Packers drafted a serial killer and he's the biggest bust in NFL history

People forget that the Green Bay Packers drafted a serial killer. In 1974, they drafted a legit serial killer. His name is Randy Woodfield... Would you say he's like the biggest bust in NFL draft history?

PFT Commenter Owns 'No Pressure No Diamonds' Now

No pressure no diamonds, slow it down. PFT owns your slogan now.

RG3 Folds And Splatters Under Pressure

And to be honest you more like the latter. When the pressure is on you fold and splatter.

PFT Has Two Good Knees And RG3 Has None

He got two good knees and a microphone. You got no more cheese and your fight is gone.

RG3 Disappointed The Dog Pound Just Like He Did Atlanta

Don't disappoint the Dog Pound like in Atlanta man.

RG3 Went From Deadspin Redskin To Downtown Browns Clown

You was a Deadspin Redskin full of the drama. Now you a downtown Browns clown in love with Osama.

RG3 Did Subway Commercials — You Know Who Else Did?

RG Knee, so controversial. You know who else did Subway commercials?

NFL fans will be tired of Carson Wentz's old tweets by week 4 of his rookie season

Wentz also had a tweet like three years ago that said, I want to kill myself. And it was a tweet that was like in succession with a couple others, so it's a little bit out of context. But every single interception that he throws, every game they lose, you're going to see that. You're going to get pretty sick of that by about week four next year.

Johnny Manziel will never start another game in the NFL

if you had to put your life on it, does Johnny Manziel start another game in the NFL? I would say no. I think he'll try. I think he'll come back at some point. It'll be a great redemption story. But the problem is... his skillset was going to be difficult anyway... I think he's got a little bit of the Tebow thing around him right now that he's, he's skillset fits college football and not the NFL.

The Chargers should leave San Diego because fans living in paradise don't deserve a team

Just don't – I don't ever want to hear any San Diego fan ever tell me, like, we had a bad loss or boo-hoo, the Chargers are moving. You live in paradise. You don't deserve other things. You have the paradise to live with... I want you to lose the Chargers now.

Sam Bradford will not be the Eagles starting quarterback in 2016

I have a feeling [Sam Bradford] won't be [starting]. I know they're saying all the right things now and they can't declare to the world that he's not going to be the starter because what if the guy that they draft ultimately stinks. It wouldn't shock me if they find a way to unload him onto somebody who emerges from the draft without an answer.

Johnny Manziel will never start another five games in the NFL

I'll take under [five more starts] because even if he gets his act together, which first he has to have the epiphany. I just don't think anybody can ever trust him to be a starting quarterback or a backup quarterback.

Jared Goff will be the first overall pick in the 2016 NFL Draft

Oh, it's going to be Jared Goff. I believe it will be Jared Goff.

Calvin Johnson is officially retired and will not return to the NFL

I do [think he is officially retired]. After the beating that he's taken... I just think he made enough money. And the NFL is getting to a point where people are realizing how brutal it is... I'm sure after watching a year of it, like I did my first year out, he'll realize he wants no part of that.

NFL primetime games in late December are always horrendous

I do know that we will have at least three or four primetime games in like late December that are horrendous because that happens without fail. The Monday night games. There will be a game where Gruden will have to tell out the world that like some awful quarterback is good.

Greg Hardy's best possible legacy move is to be completely forgotten

The best thing that Greg Hardy could do is be forgotten. That's as good as it's going to get for his legacy. Why don't you get a horse and go live in the mountains someplace and don't bother anybody for a while?

J.J. Watt could fix his image by doing 'dizzy bat' and falling on his face

He needs to play a round of drunken dizzy bat because you always fall on your face... Not only is he like, okay, he's a regular guy... He also will fall on his face and will laugh about that. And if he can laugh at himself after that, I mean, he's right back in everyone's good graces.

Robert Griffin III will start 6-8 games for the Browns, win three, and become a career backup after getting injured

Griffin will start six to eight games this year, and he'll win three of them. So it'll be like RG three and three. And then he'll get injured again, and then they'll bring in, you know, whichever quarterback that they draft at the second overall pick. And then Griffin will just be on the bench again, and then he'll be a career backup after that.

I will not be signing with the Los Angeles Rams

Well, the team that just kicked me out onto the street, you know, was the St. Louis Rams. Now the Los Angeles Rams. I'd probably rather not play there.

Brock Osweiler is the perfect fit to continue the Texans' lineage of awful quarterbacks

Brock Osweiler to the Texans, there has never been a better fit in the entire world. And I'm not talking about fit like, oh, the Texans need a quarterback... I'm talking about Brock Osweiler is the perfect guy to continue the Houston Texans mantle of awful quarterbacks. David Carr, Sage Rosenfels, T.J. Yates, Matt Schaub, Brandon Weeden, Ryan Mallett, Ryan Fitzpatrick, Brian Hoyer.

The Jaguars will sign a big free agent like Chris Ivory, cut him in two years because he didn't work out, and keep sucking.

The Jaguars have a ton of money, and everyone's going to say, wow, the Jaguars are going to make a big splash. Like, you know, like signing Chris Ivory in two years, they're going to cut him because he's like, he didn't work out and they're going to bring in a new coach and the Jaguars are going to keep sucking and it's going to be beautiful.

Johnny Manziel is locker room cancer — he is injured

I just don't like the cut of this guy's jib, folks. He's locker room cancer. Not only is he injuring himself with his bad decisions, but he's injuring the entire rest of the team, infecting them with locker room leukemia. He is injured.

Danny Woodhead Has Never Done Drugs And Has Never Been To Jail

Never smokes drugs, never been to jail.

Woodhead Didn't Go To Harvard But He's A Student Of The Game

Didn't go to Harvard, but a student of the game.

Jason Pierre-Paul is injured because the game is literally called football, not handball

He's been sitting out the past couple of weeks with a blown up hand, really milking it. And the name of the game is literally football. How important is your hand? This isn't pinch ball or smoke a cigarette ball. And again, it makes sense that a guy who lost both his thumb and forefinger is out there missing snaps. So I'll give this one to him. I'm not happy about it. JPP is injured.

Sammy Baugh led the league in interceptions while also being a punter and quarterback

A lot of people forget that Sammy Baugh was a punter and also a quarterback and also led the league in interceptions. You don't see that too much because players are pussies nowadays.