Takes

NFL players should not be confident in their union representation with JC Tretter as NFLPA head

He's a moron. So it looks like Roger Goodell now has his doofus set up as they go into the next CBA. If I was an NFL player, I would not be too confident about my representation right now.

Jets owner Woody Johnson is a failure who needs to go

Woody Johnson just, you know, he's gotta go... He's in the [Epstein] files. Yeah, he's in them... Everything they do is lose so you gotta take stuff away.

The NFL should implement a 'Loony Rule' requiring teams to conduct one absurd head coach interview

Instead of the Rooney Rule, we need a Loony Rule where every single team has to do one crazy out of the box interview. Have Pinto Ron come in with his ketchup and his mustard... I watch Cortez get interviewed for the head coaching job... you'll get something out of that conversation that will help you going forward.

The Dolphins should return to their old logo and add a Guardian Cap to the helmeted dolphin

Bring back the old logo with the dolphin that's wearing the helmet. Except have the dolphin also be wearing a guardian cap. I think that would be very cool. That'd be an excellent logo.

Mark Davis would 100% hire Chris Angel as head coach if the NFL implemented a 'Loony Rule' for interviews

Chris Angel... for the Raiders head coaching job. [A] Loony rule. Chris Angel doing mind freak shit in front of Mark Davis. He, Mark Davis would hire him. He'd hire him. He would a hundred percent hire him.

Tom Brady is 'all class' for posting his $563,000 Patek Philippe watch before going into the broadcast booth

Tampa Bay Buccaneers legend Tom Brady... took to Instagram today to remind us that he's all class. Before hopping into the booth, he posted... big game, big watch. He hit us with the Patek Philippe Aquanaut. [It's worth] like 563,000. And this is just a casual before game like, Hey guys, stepping into the booth.

The Patriots' defensive line is not as legit as the Texans' or Broncos' units

The Patriots aren't like the Texans in terms of a defensive line. No, that's what I'm saying. That's why I was like, 'cause every other team, the Texans, the Broncos, like those defenses are really legit.

Justin Herbert needs to finally win a playoff game to shut up the doubters

I just need Herbert to win a playoff game because every year it's the same fucking shit where it's everyone's hating on Herbert. We need the Chargers to win this shit. I just get my hopes up every year. Fucking 27-nothing lead we fucking blow it.

Winning against the Commanders would be the threshold for starting to take the Bears' playoff chances seriously

If [the Bears] can find a way to win this game [against the Commanders], then I'll maybe start, maybe thinking to start thinking about playoffs. Still two steps away. And if they lose, it's gonna be like, let's see what happens.

If you care about the Super Bowl halftime show, you're not a football guy

I'll say it. If you have a hot take, a really strong opinion about the Super Bowl halftime show, you're not a fucking football guy. You showed yourself. You're an anti-football pussy. You gotta watch film at halftime. You gotta figure out what to bet in the second half.

I refuse to support the global expansion of the NFL because I only care about American fans

I honestly don't care if, if, if other countries watch football or not, like this whole, like global expansion of football, do not care. I watch football with my friends in America. I don't give a fuck what they watch over there.

I would literally kill a man for Mike Vrabel

I'm there, [Mike] Vrabel. I'm already there. I would literally kill a man for Mike Vrabel.

Tom Brady wearing any Raiders logo makes him look cool instantly

It basically confirms that anyone who puts on any Raiders logos look cool all the time. The silver and black, he looks cool.

Abdul Carter is a loser for trying to take the retired numbers of Lawrence Taylor and Phil Simms

Is Abdul Carter a loser? I it's very weird. A weird tumble guy of all time... to on day one, go into your new company and be like, I want the numbers of the two most famous guys that everybody loves. Lawrence Taylor... then he's like, all right, how about Phil Simms? No, pick your own number man.

If the Bears had drafted Patrick Mahomes, he would look as bad as he did in Super Bowl 59 every single game.

I saw an insult tweet tonight that hurt me, but also was very accurate. It said, if you ever wondered what it would look like if the Bears had drafted Patrick Mahomes, [this is what it looks like]. So that was an insult tweet. I think he was just stating the fact that this is what it would look like.

Jameis Winston is worth $4 million a year just for his pre-game speeches and vibes

His pre-game speech videos continued to go viral... he gets paid $4 million a year and I think if he only acts as a motivational speaker, he's worth $4 million a year to have on retainer. It is worth paying Jameis Winston $4 million a year just for vibes.

AI and Hawkeye technology for NFL first downs will make the sport less fun

I don't like it at all. ... People are always like, oh, we're we're measuring like this billion dollar industry with a chain and sticks held by old retired guys on the sideline. Yeah. That's part of why it rocks. ... If you put AI into sports and you make robot umps and robot referees, you are depriving men of somewhere between 50 and 75% of the conversations they have with each other. ... What the fuck are we gonna talk about?

The NFL should never remove the 'sneak attack' onside kick

I don't like the onside kick thing where you can only do it when you're down and you have to declare that you're doing it. ... The sneak attack, onside kick is awesome. We shouldn't take that away.

Baker Mayfield should have won the 2023 Comeback Player of the Year award

I still think it should have been Baker [Mayfield]. I think Baker should have won that. He won a playoff game.

Patrick Mahomes needs to fully embrace his impending 'villain mode'

He's [Mahomes] flipping into villain mode, which he's not becoming a dick. But at some point you have to embrace [it].

Travis Kelce is a pussy for fighting Jack Cochrane in training camp

Jack Cochrane's the dude who pissed off Travis Kelce. So shout out that guy for exposing Travis Kelce for being a pussy. ... That was getting into it. 'cause he got hit once just like a little bit after the play and he got pissed off.

John Ross was too fast for football

John Ross... he retired. ... Too fast for football. ... I actually think that like this guy wasn't that fast when you made it like the average speed. He was just super fast. Straight line. ... He was a gadget guy that just made him run really fast in a straight line and that that was the only thing he could do.

NFL teams should not be allowed to wear throwback uniforms from a city they moved away from

The Houston Oilers are back. The Tennessee Titans unveiled their throwback uniforms... if you move your team to a different city, you can take those colors. I get that. But you can never actually put on the Houston Oilers... uniform... You're neither Houston nor Oilers. And they're iconic. They're great... It sucks. It sucks.

The way Aaron Rodgers plays has fundamentally changed quarterback mechanics

The way Aaron Rodgers plays the game has totally changed a lot of quarterback fundamentals... especially mechanics and just the way Aaron Rodgers throws the ball. That's sort of the school of thought that Zach Wilson came from.

Tom Brady looks gaunt following his mystery absence

I'm going to be honest. I think [Tom Brady] looks gaunt like the definition of the word gaunt.

Guardian caps are the pussification of America

I think it's the pussification of America. ... I think it just looks funny. I'm gonna start doing the big head pictures with those, it's gonna be fucking sick.

The betting over should hit in every All-Star game as a rule

Every all star game, the over should hit. That should be a rule. It should be like a free bet for everyone who watches the all star game. Everyone wants to see points. No one wants to see defense.

I am rooting for whatever XFL team Greg Williams is coaching

I don't know what the XFL is going to do... but frankly, I don't care because I think I'm just going to root for whatever team [Greg Williams] is coaching. If you think that he was dialing up the heat in the NFL, wait till he gets to the extreme football league.

It is not Ryan Tannehill's job to mentor Malik Willis

I've got a couple of things to say about this first thing, is it he's right. It's not his job to like teach another man how to take your job. I don't think there's a workplace in America where that's your expectation to train somebody to make you unemployed.

Amari Cooper is perpetually not as good as his hype

Amari Cooper is firmly in my mind, a guy who like just is perpetually, not as good as his hype. He's a guy who you will forever want to be a clear cut number one. And he will never be that. So you know what I'm saying? Like, you're always wanting Amari Cooper to be the guy. And I don't think he ever will be the guy. I mean, CD lamb's better than him.

Derrick Henry is bad at short-yardage situations because his long legs prevent him from getting a head of steam

Derek Henry's long legs and not being able to read... He just didn't have the runway... in between the tackles. He got the ball, one step later, the guy off the edge comes in, grabs him by his shoe laces and takes him down.

Trent Dilfer was coaching hard, not committing physical assault in his viral high school video

I hate the argument you never put your hands on a player it's like grabbing a guy by shoulder, grabbing him by the elbow. Come on. Are we really going to get upset about that. Obviously, if it's like punching choking... this, there was no malicious intent in this.

Mike Vrabel builds teams based solely on player girth and size

I think I've figured out what Mike Vrabel's strategy is here... He's just trying to get the biggest dudes that he can possibly get his hands on. I think that he has the biggest starting 11, just mass-wise. He is Billy Football as a coach. He just wants pounds. And Julio Jones is a massive dude.

FCS is the best spring football league, followed by the old XFL and the new XFL

I think if you were to rank spring football leagues... FCS is one. The new XFL... Actually, no, the old XFL is two. New XFL is three. Then you have all the USL, whatever that league was that we all forgot about.

The viral video of Cam Newton getting heckled was a PR setup

I'm woke on this Cam Newton clip... It almost feels like that was kind of set up to remind everyone how awesome Cam Newton was. We'll put out a video of Cam getting disrespected so that people are forced to recall how great he is at football. Because you're right. This is the most sympathetic press Cam Newton's got in the last year.

A Nathan Peterman implosion is a peak football viewing experience

I remember where I was when Nathan Peterman imploded, right? And that's all you can hope for out of a football game.

The Jaguars' defensive window closed because they got rid of Blake Bortles

The real story is you have to score points in this league if you want to compete in AFC Championship game and they got rid of the quarterback... everyone was talking about how [the Jaguars] now have two starters left from that 2017 game... none of them mentioned that Blake Bortles also gone.

A personal family physician should not be the one clearing Alex Smith to return to football

Alex Smith's personal doctor cleared him to resume football activities, which I don't think any personal doctor should ever clear you to be like, 'Hey, go out there and just play football.' That doesn't seem like something that a family physician would do. I actually don't think that doctor is now sending him to... Dr. Nick.

Taysom Hill would have won the Saints' playoff game if he had played the whole time

[Taysom Hill] would have won the playoffs if he had been playing the whole game... Best player on the field against the Vikings fact, according to the Troy Aikman and everyone who had eyes.

Kyle Shanahan is officially a choker

I want to be the first to say that I'm going to resist the 'Kyle Shanahan isn't clutch' movement. I'm going to be the first to say that I will embrace the 'Kyle Shanahan is a choker' movement.

The NFL should implement the XFL's 4th-and-15 onside kick alternative rule

They tried out the Mike Florio rule where you get a one passing down fourth and 15 and you try to make a first down instead of an onside kick... it's a great rule by the way. They should absolutely implement it.

Josh McDaniels staying in New England is a beta move

Josh McDaniels is back in New England... He brought his wife with him to his interview. Kind of a beta move... Apparently, they went out for lunch at some country club with Haslam... and it was a guys-only place. So his wife had to go out to lunch [elsewhere].

Derrick Henry would rush for 400 yards in an NFL game if given 57 carries

If he played the worst team in the NFL, he could probably get, if he ran him 57 times, he could probably get 400 yards.

Colt McCoy is a less sexy version of Ryan Fitzpatrick

Colt McCoy is back. He's like the less sexy version of Ryan Fitzpatrick. He pops up every couple years, has a good game. He's like Ryan Fitzpatrick if he was cleaned up for a job interview or something like that.

Joe Flacco has cool hair

We've been inundated with so many pictures of Joe Flacco and his cool hair. Reporters out in Denver can't believe that he actually has decent hair.

I need football back because I'm watching obscure sports like beach volleyball and under-20 soccer out of desperation

The amount of sports that are on that are sports I don't care about is an insane amount right now. And I just, this, my who's back is I need football back because I wrote down everything that I watched this weekend... I watched some WNBA. I watched some lacrosse. I watched some tennis. I watched some beach volleyball... I watched an under-20 soccer match that we lost.

If the US prioritized rugby, we would be the best football country in the world

At this point, if the U.S. took our best rugby players from a young age and taught them football, we would be the best football country in the world. That's how good our rugby team is.

Cody Parkey on Good Morning America is the end of civilization

Cody Parkey on Good Morning America... fucking ridiculous... This is the end of our civilization, folks. Everything that we stood on for the longest time, America, what it was founded on, not feeling bad for kickers when they fuck up. Guess what? It's over. You got one job to do.

The Giants should 'put Eli Manning down' like an old house cat

Eli Manning, he's more like an old house cat that just coughs up hairballs and shits himself all the time. Put it down. Put it down.

Jalen Ramsey's suspension is actually a great treat for him because he gets to sit in the air conditioning

That's why Jalen Ramsey was so smart to get suspended. True. That's a great treat for him. For going after the media. Yeah. Got to keep us in check.