Takes

Roger Goodell has solved CTE; that shit is in the past

Let's be honest. Roger Goodell has solved CTE. That shit is in the past. He figured that whole thing out, figured out a way for us to all just stop talking about concussions again.

NFL wide receivers wearing single-digit numbers is a 'there goes the neighborhood' moment

The NFL is just, I guess, giving clearance to wide receivers to wear single-digit numbers... It's a major There Goes the Neighborhood moment. I think it's going to happen. Peter King leaked it out, and when Peter King has a scoop like that, it's Roger Goodell just being like, Peter, you are my trial balloon.

Russell Wilson really wants to be traded from the Seahawks

It feels like [Russell Wilson] really wants to get traded, even though he hasn't fully said he wants to get traded. But for someone who hasn't said, trade me, he's done everything else.

FCS is the best spring football league, followed by the old XFL and the new XFL

I think if you were to rank spring football leagues... FCS is one. The new XFL... Actually, no, the old XFL is two. New XFL is three. Then you have all the USL, whatever that league was that we all forgot about.

The viral video of Cam Newton getting heckled was a PR setup

I'm woke on this Cam Newton clip... It almost feels like that was kind of set up to remind everyone how awesome Cam Newton was. We'll put out a video of Cam getting disrespected so that people are forced to recall how great he is at football. Because you're right. This is the most sympathetic press Cam Newton's got in the last year.

Cam Newton isn't fully healthy because he didn't swing on the heckling kid

That's actually what's telling me that Cam Newton isn't healthy. Because if he was, he should have just swung on the kid. Where somebody's being that disrespectful... Cam, you should be able to defend yourself.

The Vince Lombardi Trophy should be renamed the Tom Brady Trophy

Vince Lombardi only won one. You're so greedy, Hank. It's true. He won one trophy. He won one Vince Lombardi trophy. Tom Brady's won seven. Like, come on. ... It's a crime that the championship trophy isn't named after Tom Brady.

The Lions are making the right move by starting over and trading Matthew Stafford

They're rebuilding. They're starting over. I think this is the right move. I actually think it's like people who are Detroit Lions fans are very pumped to see Matt Stafford maybe go somewhere good.

Tony Romo faked having COVID-19 just to avoid traveling to Ohio.

Tony Romo conveniently came down with the coronavirus to avoid traveling to Ohio, which he hates to do.

I will get a tattoo of Drew Brees' touchdown total if he wins the Super Bowl

I have to get a tattoo if Drew Brees wins the Super Bowl... No, I said that if Drew Brees wins the Super Bowl, I'll get a tattoo of whatever number of touchdowns he ends up with.

I'm rooting for Mitch Trubisky because 2020 needs a cool story

It's bullshit that anyone is sitting here and rooting against Mitch Trubisky. ... 2020 sucks, root for something crazy. Mitch Trubisky 2020. ... I'm ready and I have a little perspective for you from coach Matt Nagy... we're going to all support around him and give him every opportunity to have a very happy ending.

I'll gamble on Nathan Peterman winning a Super Bowl

There's a chance we see another Nathan Peterman. You want to get real fucking crazy with 2020? Get a Nathan Peterman tattoo. ... I'll gamble on Nathan Peterman winning a Super Bowl.

A Nathan Peterman implosion is a peak football viewing experience

I remember where I was when Nathan Peterman imploded, right? And that's all you can hope for out of a football game.

The Jaguars' defensive window closed because they got rid of Blake Bortles

The real story is you have to score points in this league if you want to compete in AFC Championship game and they got rid of the quarterback... everyone was talking about how [the Jaguars] now have two starters left from that 2017 game... none of them mentioned that Blake Bortles also gone.

Jimmy Graham and Cole Kmet will be a dynamic duo for the Bears

Everyone knows [Jimmy Graham] is an elite blocker... they got Cole Kmet and Jimmy Graham. Dynamic duo. If we just get half of their production from last year, we're going to be great.

Bill Belichick will sign Earl Thomas to replace Patrick Chung

Maybe this belcheck move. Maybe Belichick picks him up. They lost Patrick Chung for the year. They get real Thomas as like an impact veteran that everybody else has given up on

Alex Smith looks like he still can't play football despite being cleared

He doesn't look like he can play football. His leg. I think I could play football better than he could play football. I don't he couldn't he couldn't avoid the rush of his five-year-old spraying like Dasani on them and then they put out pictures of his leg and it's like to see turbine not well his leg is in basically a Forever cast right now.

Mike Glennon is the perfect quarterback for people to use in Kaepernick comparison tweets

Every year we have to have at least one quarterback that's the perfect person for half of Twitter to quote tweet and be like Colin Kaepernick isn't on an NFL team but this person. Yes, Mike Glennon is like the perfect person to focus our attention on there.

A personal family physician should not be the one clearing Alex Smith to return to football

Alex Smith's personal doctor cleared him to resume football activities, which I don't think any personal doctor should ever clear you to be like, 'Hey, go out there and just play football.' That doesn't seem like something that a family physician would do. I actually don't think that doctor is now sending him to... Dr. Nick.

I'm unloading on Mitchell Trubisky whenever the game temperature is exactly 66 degrees

Mr. Trubisky has by far the highest quarterback rating in the NFL when it's exactly 66 degrees... I'm absolutely going to open up my weather app every single Sunday morning. And if it's 66, I'm unloading on Mitchell Trubisky.

Swag Kelly is the second-fastest quarterback in the NFL

Swag Kelly thinks he's the second fastest quarterback in the NFL, which I agree with... I think he's going to be like a sleeper that's just going to come out of nowhere and get thrown into a game.

The Patriots will face Tom Brady and the Buccaneers in the Super Bowl with Cam Newton starting

Cam Newton is going to be the starter. It's going to be electric. The Patriots are going to make the Super Bowl. It's going to be the Patriots and the [Bucs] and I'm going to be so excited.

The weirdness of Cam Newton signing with the Patriots makes me believe the 2020 NFL season won't actually happen

It just makes me think football is not going to happen. Yeah. There's yeah. That's my everything that we resolve world... man I bet you football is not going to happen.

Bill Belichick has always wanted a mobile quarterback to experiment with new offensive schemes

Belichick's always talking about how he wants a mobile quarterback... belch I was like, I want to get rid of you [Brady] and get a cool new toy that can run around. So like the football like porn that's going to come out of this like the X's and O's and blocking schemes... Bellatrix brain with like a mobile quarterback.

Roger Goodell will use a technicality to prevent Dave Portnoy from documenting the auction-won MNF game

I think they're going to figure out a technicality, right?... if he [Goodell] just had to sit with Goodell with no content being made. That's actually the ultimate own back on Dave. You just have to sit with this miserable person for an entire night and listen to him talk... and you can't make content out of it. That would kill Dave.

There is almost a zero percent chance that the NFL season does not happen this fall

Florio did have a report where [he's] talking to the right people that it's basically a zero percent chance—not a zero percent chance, but like almost a zero percent chance that there's no football this fall.

Taysom Hill would have won the Saints' playoff game if he had played the whole time

[Taysom Hill] would have won the playoffs if he had been playing the whole game... Best player on the field against the Vikings fact, according to the Troy Aikman and everyone who had eyes.

Leaked Wonderlic scores are a smokescreen designed to hurt Tua Tagovailoa's draft stock

They were also incorrect leaked Wonderlic scores all that which tells me it's smokescreen season for someone out there. Like someone wants the rest of the NFL to believe that Tua is dumb because they gave Tua a 13 in the first Wonderlic score. It's not true at all. That's not what he got.

I am officially back on the Redskins drafting Chase Young over Tua Tagovailoa

I'm back on Chase Young because I saw a report on Friday that he is actually like LeBron—his parents didn't stop growing until they were like 28 years old and so he's like 6'5" right now. There's a good chance that he could end up being like 6'8" or 6'9"... I'd be happy with either one right now, but I'm officially back on Chase Young.

I am back on the Tua Tagovailoa train because he looks better throwing without college stripes

Watching [Tua Tagovailoa] throw with an NFL ball looks good. Like the witchcraft is gone or whatever. It looks I think it goes from looking like it's spinning clockwise to looking like it's spinning counterclockwise now that it has the stripes off. So I'm 100% on board the Tua train.

I am ready for an Andy Dalton and Mitchell Trubisky QB competition

I am very ready for this. I would love for Andy Dalton to get in that room have little QB competition. No, but no wrong answers when your QB competition is Andy Dalton and Mr. Biscuit.

The NFL has audio from the Miles Garrett/Mason Rudolph incident but is refusing to release it.

The NFL should just they have to have they've got out here. Now, they know they've got audio... I think the NFL had audio because you'll remember they have audio that they play like every Tuesday on Showtime... and their excuse was they have a guy who pushes a button to stop recording in between plays. That doesn't exist.

Tom Brady will return to the Patriots on a $30 million per year deal

He said he's not going anywhere in the advertisement, and then a report came out today that the Patriots are willing to pay him $30 million a year... I feel good about Brady coming back.

Kyle Shanahan is officially a choker

I want to be the first to say that I'm going to resist the 'Kyle Shanahan isn't clutch' movement. I'm going to be the first to say that I will embrace the 'Kyle Shanahan is a choker' movement.

The NFL should implement the XFL's 4th-and-15 onside kick alternative rule

They tried out the Mike Florio rule where you get a one passing down fourth and 15 and you try to make a first down instead of an onside kick... it's a great rule by the way. They should absolutely implement it.

I'm only joining an XFL team if I have a real chance to make the roster

The practice squad offer is apparently legit. Like I'm going to get a contract if I want to go down that road... in which case I'm only going down that road if they give me an opportunity to work my way onto a team. I'm not just going to be on practice squad a year.

Josh McDaniels staying in New England is a beta move

Josh McDaniels is back in New England... He brought his wife with him to his interview. Kind of a beta move... Apparently, they went out for lunch at some country club with Haslam... and it was a guys-only place. So his wife had to go out to lunch [elsewhere].

Derrick Henry would rush for 400 yards in an NFL game if given 57 carries

If he played the worst team in the NFL, he could probably get, if he ran him 57 times, he could probably get 400 yards.

The Jets will be competitive against the Patriots on Monday Night Football

I think the Jets are going to be competitive tonight. Sam Darnold adds a little bit of pep in the step in the building... everyone's feeling a little more well rested.

Dan Snyder will offer Chip Kelly $50 million to coach the Redskins.

I'm not worried anymore about Jim Harbaugh corrupted by Dan Snyder because Snyder's definitely going to throw like 50 million dollars at Chip Kelly. That's a fact. That's how all this ends.

The Patriots will finish the season 18-1 with a Super Bowl victory

My official prediction was one random loss, like one fluke loss in the regular season. ... They could lose a regular season game and then go 18-1 [and win the Super Bowl].

Urban Meyer will definitely coach football again

My who's back is Urban Meyer because Urban Meyer said he misses football. Oh, you think? That actually could just be that because he's definitely going to coach. So shout out all the people who said that he actually was retiring for real this time. You're an idiot.

Josh Gordon will be on the Patriots for the entire 2019 season

He's [been suspended] for zero weeks. [How many weeks will he be on the team?] All of them. [If he gets cut or leaves] Hank gets a cat.

The Derek Carr media hype machine is funny because we know he isn't a superstar

The Derek Carr media hype machine that's trying to get behind a guy who we really know who he is, and that's not a terrible quarterback, but he's not a superstar quarterback, is very, very funny to me. Because they're basically trying to wheel themselves into Derek Carr as our starter.

Colt McCoy is a less sexy version of Ryan Fitzpatrick

Colt McCoy is back. He's like the less sexy version of Ryan Fitzpatrick. He pops up every couple years, has a good game. He's like Ryan Fitzpatrick if he was cleaned up for a job interview or something like that.

Joe Flacco has cool hair

We've been inundated with so many pictures of Joe Flacco and his cool hair. Reporters out in Denver can't believe that he actually has decent hair.

Aaron Rodgers hates and despises Matt LaFleur

Aaron Rodgers, Matt LaFleur, not off to the best start. And I'm not making like a mountain out of a molehill. I think Aaron Rodgers hates Matt LaFleur. Despises him.

I need football back because I'm watching obscure sports like beach volleyball and under-20 soccer out of desperation

The amount of sports that are on that are sports I don't care about is an insane amount right now. And I just, this, my who's back is I need football back because I wrote down everything that I watched this weekend... I watched some WNBA. I watched some lacrosse. I watched some tennis. I watched some beach volleyball... I watched an under-20 soccer match that we lost.

Joe Flacco has statistically been the worst starting quarterback in the NFL over the last five years

Does John Elway realize that Joe Flacco statistically in the last five years is the worst starting quarterback you could have?

Aaron Rodgers chugging a beer poorly has cursed the Packers

Curses are back because ever since Aaron Rodgers didn't chug his beer, which we'll get to in segments, the Bucks didn't win another game and Matt LaFleur tore his Achilles and is going to be coaching out of a cart this spring. Aaron Rodgers cursed their team, 100%.