Takes

Cody Parkey on Good Morning America is the end of civilization

Cody Parkey on Good Morning America... fucking ridiculous... This is the end of our civilization, folks. Everything that we stood on for the longest time, America, what it was founded on, not feeling bad for kickers when they fuck up. Guess what? It's over. You got one job to do.

The Bears will be in first place in the NFC North (for now)

The Bears are back. They're number one. NFC North. Just saying. I don't know if we'll hold on to it for very long, but you have to enjoy the small steps, okay?

I'm withholding all judgment on Josh Rosen for his rookie year

I'm officially saying this whole year, too early to judge. I learned my lesson from Jared Goff. I like that. What about Sam Darnold? Too early to judge.

Aaron Rodgers is surly, malcontent, and uncoachable

They hate each other. They always have hated each other. It's great to watch. Aaron Rodgers, surly, malcontent, uncoachable.

Aaron Rodgers is a system quarterback

Aaron Rodgers, uncoachable. I mean, look at his track record with backup quarterbacks. Aaron Rodgers is a system quarterback. Yes, exactly.

Roger Goodell is making kickers miss to justify getting rid of ties

We had a theory last year... that Roger Goodell was trying to save football or at least appear like he was the good guy by having all of his kickers miss these easy field goals so that he could come in and change the rules and get rid of ties altogether.

A healthy Blake Bortles is basically the Jaguars' best free agent signing

It's my favorite sports radio caller when a guy comes back from injury and they're like, well, we don't have to do anything in the free agent signings because we basically get the best free agent back. That's essentially what's happening with Blake Bortles. Now they have real Blake Bortles. Preseason MVP, let's book it.

Washington D.C. sports will never lose another championship again

The Redskins won the offseason again. They do that every year. They're a dynasty at this point. You have to count them as a dynasty. And... The Washington Valor won the Arena Bowl after going 2-10 in the regular season. They won the championship. What a story. Yeah, so Washington, D.C. sports will never lose another championship again.

The Cleveland Browns will win seven games this year

I have something very brave to say. I think the Cleveland Browns are going to win seven games this year.

The Cleveland Browns are going to win the AFC North

I think they're going to win the division. And you know what? They're going to be fun as shit. I'm dead serious. They got Pac-Man [Adam Jones] coming in at cornerback maybe? They will definitely win more than – I'm going to say, yeah, like they're in that – yeah, they'll be scrappy. They'll be upgraded to scrappy.

The 1990s were the last era where professional athletes could be out of shape and still succeed

The 90s were kind of the last era where guys were basically able to just be fat pieces of shit and go to the whole thing... There's some guy who in every single sport we can trace to. Like, who is the guy who's like, I'm actually going to train in the offseason? I'm going to lift weights.

Joe Flacco's mobility is night and day compared to last year

Joe Flacco's mobility is night and day compared to last year. He's healthy now. Flacco is full speed. The difference is evident. No limitations as a scrambler. Or even on designed runs. So they're opening up the playbook for Flacco. They're going to let him show off the wheels.

The Colts are favorites to finish second in the AFC South behind the Jaguars

the Colts, just in general, are back this year. I think you've got to pencil them in as favorites to come in second in that division behind the Jaguars.

Johnny Manziel is in it for the long haul in the CFL

[Johnny Manziel] signed with the CFL. He's going to the Canadian Hamilton Tiger-Cats... I think he's in it for the long haul.

Every draft grade list should be required to give at least one F

Mel Kiper's grades are so fucking funny. He won't give anyone an F, which is bullshit. Like, if you do grades, you should have to give at least one F. You should have to.

Scouts will reasonably drop Shaquem Griffin in the draft because he only has one hand

I can't wait for people to get mad when he falls in the draft a little bit. Look, I think he's a good player, and he did well at the Combine, but he does not have one hand. So, like, I think... That's a fair criticism to throw out there. That doesn't mean that he's not going to be a good NFL player, but I think most scouts would probably say, I'd prefer two hands than one.

Jeff Fisher is the best coach in football

All of [Jeff Fisher's] players are going to the NFC Championship game, and I love it because it just solidifies that Jeff Fisher is the best coach in football.

Jeff Fisher is a quarterback whisperer

Jeff Fisher is back in a big way because all of his quarterbacks are shining right now... Jared Goff just killing out in L.A... Number two is Case Keenum. He's back. Nick Foles. Playing well... He's a quarterback whisperer. He's like Johnny Appleseed. He's just going around and he plants all his little quarterback seeds. And then in like, you know, three to four years when he gets fired. They all just sprout into big trees.

Lefty quarterbacks suck at throwing the football

Horny Brook [Alex Hornibrook], there's something about him when he passes. He's terrible. He's got that weird left. He's a lefty. The way that he passes with his left hand just doesn't look natural. Lefties suck at throwing the football.

Blake Bortles is officially back

So my who's back of the week is Blake Bortles of the Blake Bortles Wikipedia Club. Huge game. Four touchdowns. He's back.

Fullbacks are officially back in a big way in the NFL

Fullbacks are back in a big way... I think it might be confirmation bias, but I've been noticing fullbacks more and more. Specifically, Derek Coleman, the fullback for the Falcons.

Blake Bortles is the Jaguars' QB1 for the 2017 season

Blake Bortles is back... he is QB1 for the season. All you haters out there. Blake Bortles, QB1, Jacksonville Jaguars. Write it down.

The wind in Chicago will help Roberto Aguayo's accuracy by pushing the ball back to the uprights

He's so wildly inaccurate that the wind is actually going to push his balls back towards the uprights.

Darren McFadden will tear his hamstring immediately after taking over for Ezekiel Elliott

Darren McFadden looks like he's going to get a lot of carries for the Cowboys... And when I say a lot of carries, I mean a lot of carries in the first half of the first game. And then he's going to tear his hamstring. And everyone who drafted him is going to be really pissed off.

Aaron Rodgers loves to get angry at other athletes' contracts

This is like the Aaron Rodgers specialty. Aaron Rodgers loves to get pissed off at other quarterbacks' contracts. That's like his thing. I want him to start jumping into other sports too and getting pissed off and be like, hey, I'm a better quarterback than James Harden is a shooting guard. How come I'm not getting paid?

High school football is officially back in June because grad parties are over

High school football is back. Grad parties are over. Coaches are distributing helmets and shoulder pads. It's June. Mini camps in full effect.

Kevin Love should be the quarterback of the Cleveland Browns

Kevin Love should be the Browns quarterback. He does have unbelievable passing. He'll throw one or two a game where it's like, how the hell did he do that?

NFL mock drafts 5.0 and 6.0 are entirely made of smokescreens

When mock draft 5.0 and 6.0s are coming out, those are actually all smokescreens, too, because all the NFL personnel people that talk to the guys doing the mock drafts, they're telling them lies the whole time.

Johnny Manziel is officially back and committed to a comeback after getting engaged

My who's back of the week is Johnny Football... Comeback season. He just got engaged to show that he's committed and he's making his comeback. So it seems like he's got everything going for him heading forward.

Hometown saviors always work out well for the Cleveland Browns

He said that he would go play in Cleveland. He's a hometown kid. We all know that hometown quarterbacks work out really well for Cleveland. They're always saviors.

The CFL is the perfect place for Johnny Manziel to start a comeback

Johnny Manziel is back. He has reportedly had a tryout with the CFL, which the CFL is exactly where Johnny Manziel needs to start his comeback.

Roger Goodell is back after taking his medicine from Patriots fans

The boos that were rained down on Roger Goodell... He stood up there. He overdosed on his medicine. I think he's back. I think it's now fair's fair.

The Texans playing the first wildcard game on Saturday is an annual tradition like no other

The Texans are playing the first wildcard game on Saturday that everyone's going to hate and always features really bad quarterback play. Tradition like any other.

NFL coach, beat reporter, and super fan trades should be more common

I love any non-athlete trade, and there needs to be more of them. ... I think it should be expanded to beat reporters. ... I want to see super fans getting traded.

Numbers and analytics are ruining sports

Numbers ruin sports. You made us all robots. Sports was great when it was just men grunting at each other, and there was no number for how much pain you're playing through.

Aaron Rodgers is officially back and the Packers are the team nobody wants to play in January

[Aaron Rodgers] did his whole thing where everyone talked about how [he] was awful, and then he's rattled off three games that have been great, and the Packers are right back in the thick of things, and they are officially the don't-want-to-play-these-guys-in-January team.

The Detroit Lions are in trouble because Matthew Stafford's finger injury is a season-killer

The Lions are back because something really good happened to them today, and they're in the catbird seat of the NFC North. But then in a win, they also got really bad news as Matthew Stafford dislocated his middle finger on his throwing hand and severed a bunch of ligaments. So they're kind of fucked.

Snow football is the best football to watch

The Packers game, Bears game. Those are the best games to watch. Snow football. Love it. It's fun to get excited for the first snowfall and then just be miserable for four months straight.

Russell Wilson is a bizarre human being who would be in a mental institution if he weren't an athlete

The person who woke him up every hour and a half, the voodoo people, the hypnotist, the concussion water, the strength coach... he's just a bizarre human being... if he wasn't an exceptional athlete and he did all this shit, he would probably be in a mental institution.

Snow football is the key to driving NFL ratings back up

I think that this is absolutely the key to driving ratings back up is get a couple snow games in people will watch snow football all day.

Every NFL team that passed on Dak Prescott will be draft shamed forever

Dak Prescott has been named the starter. He was drafted 135... You could have had Dak Prescott. And people will remind you every single day... Everyone gets draft shamed now that Dak Prescott is officially the starter and a superstar.

The Raiders are officially back.

The Raiders. The Raiders are officially back. And it's fun. The Raiders are like Notre Dame or maybe even the Yankees where everything's more fun when they're back.

The Raiders are officially back as the 'Bad Boy' team of the NFL

I have the Bad Boy Raiders are back. The team of the 70s. Silver and black... They set a record for most penalties in a game... Al Davis bad boys are in town.

This is finally the breakout year for Reggie Bush

I think this is the year for Reggie Bush. ... So on the year, his year average is negative four. So today he had three, so I think that was the rush he needed.

Jeff Fisher will lose his next two games because the Rams are in L.A.

Jeff Fisher is losing his next two games now that the Rams are in L.A. Hollywood Jeff is going to be reading the dailies. He's going to see his name and variety. And he's like 3-1, 3-1. I know another team from Golden State that was 3-1 not too long ago.