Takes

I am going to do a 72-hour fast to reset my system

I'm thinking about doing a 72 hour fast... People help me out. Let me know if I can do a 72 hour fast... I wanna test myself. Can I stop my addiction to food for 48 hours? Probably not.

High Point is not a real school; it is a four-year post-high school vacation

High Point isn't a real school. It's vacation. It's vacation use four years of post high school vacation... Students in Madison right now still have another like, solid month and a half of Winter. High Point is going and eating ice cream and in their shorts and flip flops and having steaks.

The Olympics should have a permanent home in Hammond, Indiana, to avoid wasting money and time zone issues

Just build a permanent Olympics in Hammond, Indiana... every time they do the Olympics, if you look at, you know, Rio and all these places, it just becomes a waste of money... I don't like the Olympics when it's not in our time zone.

Daily ice cream consumption can reduce diabetes risk by 50%

Ice cream might save the planet. The healthy fats in ice cream can protect you against so many things... 50% reduction in diabetes [from] one serving a day. I believe it.

Society will collapse and we are living in a simulation if the Rams beat the Broncos 23-14 in the Super Bowl

O's the Mentalist made a prediction for the Super Bowl... the Rams to beat the Broncos 23 to 14. If that does happen, I think we can all agree that this is all a simulation and everything is fake. Society will collapse if O's the Mentalist is right about his Super Bowl pick and the score... that is proof that none of this is real. We're living in a computer.

The US government will confirm the existence of aliens this week

Aliens might drop this week. Like, like there's aliens might drop this week... [The White House] might confirm the existence of aliens as early as this week. And just be ready for the outcome of that.

The electrical substation next to the 49ers facility is causing player injuries by dehydrating their cells.

The wireless stuff, basically it dries you out on the inside. So have you ever taken a rubber band and like left it out in the sun and it goes from being nice and stretchy to being brittle and snaps? ... there's been a lot of research in the past 50 years... showing that it can cause cause harm at the cellular level by dehydrating yourselves among other things.

The 'Blob' weather pattern could mean the end of the world

B-Big Cat, We are Earth could be finished. We could be done... There's a world, the blob never goes away... I do wanna say you're right. I was being dramatic there. Blob will go away, but it's sinking its toes right now.

Taking apart a microwave is fatal because it contains an electric bomb

Do never, do not ever take apart a microwave because you'll die. You'll get electrified. They've got like a bomb inside of them. ... You have a nuclear weapon in your kitchen.

Every Philadelphia sports team should be blown up and started from ground zero

Done. Everything's done. Blow it up. Blow up. Start every single team from ground zero. No, I, every single one of 'em, I'm done with the union.

Europeans don't even have colleges

No, they don't have colleges in [Europe]. They don't have NFL teams there. But they have NFL games there. They don't play college games. Okay, actually they're universities.

The only way to win at gambling is to bet money lines on favorites

Gambling on sports is the only way to win. But you have to bet the money line... where you only gonna win cents on the dollar. Because teams always win. They just never cover.

I am officially retiring from participating in physical sports challenges

My fire fest is pretty simple. My body is broken. I'm, I'm too old for some of this shit. I did tweet that I was thinking about retirement, like not retirement from like this show, but retirement from our physical challenges. We played, we did six hour stream on Tuesday night... softball on Wednesday... oh my god, I can't walk right now. I think I need to retire from sports. I need to be a walking guy.

If I have 50 hot dogs consumed at the five-minute mark of the Nathan's contest, 77 hot dogs for the record is a lock

If I'm at 50 hot dogs in five minutes, that, that, that's almost a lock. That, that, that means I have five minutes left. All I have to do is average just over five and a half hot dogs a minute. And then I, then I'm there.

Joey Chestnut will set a new world record at the Nathan's Hot Dog Eating Contest this year

He released a statement yesterday saying that it was, he never lost his love for the dogs. He just entered into a partnership with a plant-based company last year... he's gonna smoke 'em. I wanna see an all time record... he is top dog.

I am committing to eating one salad every single day to improve my health

I've committed to eating salad every day. Having one salad a day is a pretty good compromise that you can make with yourself.

Hammocks are more afraid of you than you are of them

Hammocks are more afraid of you than you are of them. My take is that that's a fact. Some of us aren't pussies and it's extreme sports. It's like extreme sleeping. Big Mattress is trying to steer you away from hammocks. Anytime somebody dies in a hammock, it becomes a big news story like a shark attack.

The sun was switched out 40 years ago for a new, worse sun

I found guys... that think that actually this is a different sun that was, that we switched the sun out like 40 years ago and it's the new sun and it's worse for you... I gotta do some more research on the new sun guys.

Lactose intolerance is a fake condition that everyone actually has

Lactose intolerant... that's fake. It's as fake as fake gets. No, it's fake. Everyone's lactose intolerant. If I eat too much ice cream, my tummy hurts. Am I lactose intolerant? A little bit probably. So everyone is.

I will most likely die in New Orleans if the Commanders win the Super Bowl

If we get to the Super Bowl, if we're lucky enough to win the Super Bowl that night is statistically my most probable night of dying that I think I've ever had in my life. New Orleans Super Bowl victory. I'm 40. That's like, if you look at a pie chart... that would be like 12% of the entire pie that one day.

The government used illegal tracking technology to find Luigi Mangione and then planted evidence to cover it up

The government has technology that's illegal to use to track and find someone like Luigi [Mangione]... which they used illegally to find him. And then planted all the evidence. The McDonald's worker, the written manifesto to cover their tracks about the fact that they illegally... surveyed people. The McDonald's worker was a plant and that's why they're not gonna get paid.

The New Jersey drones are good aliens protecting humans from bad aliens

It's probably alien. I've heard it's aliens protecting from other aliens is what I've heard... Apparently they've been here the whole time, but just in the water. And then when the bad aliens, I guess, are threatening now. So they came out to protect us.

The Barstool office will eat over 1,000 Uncrustables in a single week

I predict we're gonna be in the like thousand ranges. ... I will make sure that we do not run out of Uncrustables at all for the week. And we'll keep track. Yeah. For this office. I'll send out an email. I'll be like, it's my, I I'm, we're doing a study. Eat as many Uncrustables as you want.

You can actually lose weight by eating a diet of Uncrustables

I actually think you could lose weight eating Uncrustables. Peanut butter's got tons of protein in it. Bread is the biggest part of the food pyramid, which is really, really healthy and scientific.

I still believe I can dunk a basketball by January 1st.

I still think I can do it. I need to lose some weight... I still need like five inches. I'm 180 pounds. I was like 171 pounds in July. So I need to lose some weight basically.

I still plan to dunk and the steroid decision is coming in the next two weeks

I'm still going gung ho. I still plan to dunk. I'm still training as if I'm going to dunk... the steroid decision is coming in the next two weeks.

Lactose intolerance is a sign of weakness and most people who claim it are 'pussies'

I think lactose intolerant people are just pussies. I just, when people are like, I can't eat that ice cream. I'm lact— shut the fuck up. Eat the ice cream. If you need an EpiPen, I respect you. If you are, if you like, oh, I got a little diarrhea, dude, that's my whole life is eating too much ice cream and getting diarrhea.

People will stop visiting Orlando entirely if the airport removes its Chili's

I am taking up a new fight. They're changing the Orlando airport and the Chili's is going to be gone in 2025. We're not gonna let this happen... I predict that people are gonna stop visiting Orlando, Florida entirely because of this. There's no amusement found in Orlando [without it].

Pepper jack cheese is yellow

I'll go with pepper jack cheese.

I used to think that if you dug a deep enough hole in the ground, you would eventually reach China

If you dug deep enough you could reach China. I honestly thought that I could... every kid and I I was probably is is that wrong? ... I looked this up a couple months ago. It's actually embarrassing how shallow the deepest hole ever dug is.

I used to think that kissing was the same thing as having sex

Kissing equals sex... that I thought for a long time. That's a really good one. That's how you thought babies were made... whether you say sex or go, they're kissing. I was like, oh, they're naked kissing... because you would watch a movie and they would [kiss] and then whatever.

I used to think that jumping at the last second in a falling elevator would save your life

If you're an elevator and it falls and you jump at the end, you survive... I just looked it up. It's not true. It's not true. You would die.

I used to think my testicles were made of Play-Doh and that eating actual Play-Doh would make them grow bigger

I thought my balls, my testicles were Play-Doh. So when my parents told me don't eat Play-Doh, I thought they were trying to be like, Hey don't eat Play-Doh because your balls will just get bigger because it will just go right to your balls... You just don't know what they are when you're a little kid and you start touching 'em, you're like, this is weird. I'm like, oh, it must be Play-Doh.

I used to believe that all adults were smart and understood exactly what was going on

I honestly used to think that every adult was smart. I thought if you were grown up, you knew what was going on. And then you grow up and you're like, we're all dumb. No, we're all really fucking dumb. I was probably smarter when I was a kid than I am now.

Chocolate milk comes from brown cows

I thought chocolate milk came from brown cows... I was up north driving past a brown cow and I pointed to my cousin, I said, you know, chocolate milk comes from those things.

I'll bet my life that Hank will dunk

I believe Henry Lockwood is going to dunk. No, I actually 100% believe you're gonna dunk. Because you've been working out a lot. You've been training a lot.

I mistakenly believed tornadoes do not hit big cities just to make myself feel better

You gotta worry about the tornado—tornadoes don't hit cities though. That's good. Like big cities... False tornadoes can hit anywhere at any time. Okay. I, I just made that up. I completely made it up. Okay. But... That was something I just told myself to make myself feel better.

Taxes are optional in Greece

In Greece, taxes are optional. And then their economy just crumbles every like 10, 15 years. They're like, Hey, we should probably start paying taxes. ... I looked, I just, I just Googled that. Yes. Currently more than half of Greek households are exempt from any personal income tax.

Titties are a type of meat

Titties is meat. Great choice. ... They're made out of meat. ... Is it the Mount Rushmore meat that you eat? Fact or fiction. ... I enjoy looking at the meat.

I have a higher alcohol tolerance than dwarves because of my size

But I'm bigger than [the dwarves]. It will take me a lot longer to get drunk. I think [I] might just get drunk with them.

The Dwarven vault is in the western portion of the mountain, and the mentions of it being in the east are a faint switch

I think this safe is in the west. It keeps, everyone keeps talking about the east, but if it was in the east and they have the key, they would find it. I feel like it's a faint switch.

The chief of the orcs probably has the key to the vault

I think the chief, the chief... the chief probably has the key. We gotta just, we gotta tell him. Hey dude, let's, there's five of us. There's one of you give us the fucking key and let's go.

The ogre likely swallowed the key to the vault

What if [Great Ulf] swallowed the key? Who swallowed the key? The the fucking guy we're trying to kill.

A wasp and a bee are the same thing

I'm a wasp. It's the same thing [as a bee]. ... I'm a wasp. It's the same thing. It's not. Yeah, I would like to go into that chest.

A Celtics and Panthers money line parlay is a lock for Monday night

The fact that the Panthers then lost eight to one in the exact same setup made me feel like both teams are just gonna like, listen, I'm not a gambling expert, but a Panthers Celtics money line parlay game five feels like it could potentially happen.

Vanny Woodhead will be up and running by July 4th

Vanny will be up and running by July 4th. My first step is trying to make some, some marketing and some sales packaging so that we can get some money into Vanny Woodhead.

I will give it my all and I believe I will be able to dunk

I'm in it. The bet's out there. It's 20, it's 20 k. ... I'm going to give it my all to be able to dunk. I think I'm gonna be able to do it. I know the haters and you guys and everyone in the world doesn't think I'm going to, but I I welcome that. I welcome that. ... The only way that's gonna stop me is injury.

The US will be under a massive cyber attack soon, and everyone should withdraw their cash

I suggest you take out all your money outta your bank and stop using credit cards for the next few months until I can give you the green light again. We will be under a cyber attack sooner rather than later... I'm in communication with the very important person for one of, if not the biggest software companies in the world... I met a guy on a plane... He's a higher end for a major major software company... he just pretty much said like, I know too much, but I don't at the same time.

The eclipse and the CERN particle collider will send us into the fourth dimension

They're turning CERN on the day of the eclipse. And I believe the research is they're trying to reach a fourth dimension... Once the the moon covers the sun when it comes back, like we'll be in the fourth dimension. Like everything will be different.

Flacco the Owl was a slut

Even though I don't, I I I'll still stand with my take that Flacco the owl was a slut. Big time slut. I guess the pigeon herpes might've been because he was eating pigeons. ... I'm sticking with full on slut shaming a flacco. You were a slut. That's how you got the herpes.