Takes

The 'Affliction' and 'True Religion' fashion days of the UFC were horrible

The affliction days were bad. The affliction days were bad. It was so funny you just said that to me because we were looking we were doing all these documentaries about the ufc... affliction horrible those days and the god what were those jeans true religion. Oh my God. I see the true religion jeans and all that stuff I'm like shoot me.

If I am ever on fire, do not piss on me to put it out

I want to say for the record, if I'm ever on fire, don't piss on me. No, just remind me to stop, drop, and roll. It's not going to help unless you're Peter North and have a stream like a fire hose. It's not going to put out the fire. You're just going to be pissing on me as I burn to death.

Tits are officially making a comeback in 2019

This is going to be the year where tits make a comeback too. That's right. Yep. It's no longer ass season. Asses have had their little time here. People have been all about the ass.

Gen Z is ruining the reputation of millennials

Gen Z should get more crap on the internet than millennials... Gen Z is 1995 to 2008... You guys are the ones who are actually fucking everything up because you guys are like the 18-year-olds, the bratty 18 to 22-year-olds... You're the ones who are fucking it up for the millennials. You're giving us a bad name.

NASA's Mars Insight lander will find 'evidence of water' that we already knew about

They're going to maybe find traces of what might have been water a billion years ago. But the headlines are going to say evidence of water on Mars, which we already have.

Adults should only want cash for Christmas

If you want to get your significant other something very nice for Christmas, it is C-A-S-H, cash. You become an adult and you realize cash is king... I want the cash so I can pay my bookie.

If you had vaccinations, your genitalia wouldn't look like cauliflower

In terms you can understand [Reggie Bush], if Kim Kardashian had gotten the Gardasil vaccine, then your dick wouldn't look like a cauliflower.

Chinese food lacks cheese because of lactose sensitivity in Asia

I actually know the answer to this. Because Asian people, by and large, are more sensitive to lactose. So when they first opened up ice cream shops and stuff like that over in China, most people got sick and went out of business.

The holiday season officially starts right now (November 14th)

My cool throne is actually for everyone who wants to get drunk all the time, because I think we can officially say it's holiday season. Starting right now.

Soap can't get dirty because it cleans itself

My friend uses a bar of soap to clean his ass crack and uses it the next day on his whole body... He says soap can't get dirty, so it's fine. [Hank says] He's right. You're wrong. It's like soap cleans itself all the time because it's layers.

Never trust a 'cat guy' like Todd Gurley

This goes along with my long-held opinion. You don't trust a cat guy. [Todd Gurley]'s got two cats. Anybody that makes the honest decision to have an animal live in your house that also craps in there, I will not trust you with a single thing.

The lottery would make significantly more money if they had a one-click app

Can you imagine how much money the lottery would make if they somehow just made an app that you can, with one click, buy lottery tickets? Yes, it would be insane. It would be ridiculous. I would buy so many lottery tickets.

Ugly wins are worth more than pretty close wins

An ugly win is actually worth more than a pretty close win. Because if you can win ugly, that's like a confidence boost. Like, okay, we didn't have our stuff.

Ben Roethlisberger has used a computer less than ten times in his life

I'll say it right now. Since the day he left college, Ben Roethlisberger has sat in front of a computer less than ten times.

Cystic Fibrosis will be eradicated in 5 to 10 years

I think CF will be eradicated from this earth in about five to 10 years.

If Titanic 2 sinks, it would be the greatest moment ever

If the Titanic 2 could somehow sink, it would be the greatest moment ever... because you're an asshole for riding on the Titanic 2.

Skydiving is scarier than free solo climbing

Skydiving is actually a good example... I found that pretty scary. I wasn't at all scared [climbing]. Skydiving... it's just so fast and frantic and... there's a lot of stimulus... you're like, Oh my God, I'm falling out of a plane. I think that's scary.

Teaching your kids to enjoy alcohol responsibly makes you a good father

Real take? I don't give a fuck. This is the most common thing ever... It's actually like teaching your kids how to enjoy alcohol responsibly is probably a really good father. So it's not like a novelty when they get to age 17 and they're just like butt funneling mad dogs.

The clutch gene is a real muscle that can be strengthened

Researchers who study the brains of athletes believe more and more that a so-called clutch gene exists. They've seen enough incremental improvement through brain training that they regarded as a muscle capable of being built and likewise atrophying.

2019 will be the 'Year of the Core'

We've already decided 2019's year of the core... Year of the core is going to be so lit. 2019, we're going to be sitting on medicine balls and shit or whatever the physio balls. I got a core. I just have a lot of shit on top of the core.

I will get a Patrick Mahomes tattoo if Big Cat eats horse poop

I'm going to get a Patrick Mahomes tattoo. You want to bet? You have to eat horse poop if I get a Mahomes tattoo?

You can't take a shit at a friend's house if the bathroom is less than 30 'bathroom feet' away

It's actually a formula that you multiply the number of bathrooms times the feet from the couch to the bathroom. And if it's anything under 30, then you can't take a shit there. So if there's a bathroom 20 feet away from the couch, but there's only one bathroom in the whole house, you can't do it.

I like to root for excellence and the inevitable winner

I like the Red Sox and I like the Yankees. I like the storyline and I like teams that are great. I like excellence. I root for the inevitable. My brother Chad is a longtime Browns fan and Bengals fan and he just dwells in his misery. He's the exact opposite of me in that way. I like people who are good at what they do.

October is the best month of the year

October... it is the best month of the year. You have the fall, you have football being awesome, you have playoff baseball, you have NBA and NHL, it is the only month where all four sports are playing.

Australia does not exist

Australia doesn't exist. Australia is not a real place... Australia was invented by the British because it was like a penal colony... airline pilots are all in on it, too... when you fly people on vacation to Australia, you just take them down to Chile, and they never know the difference.

The 'Pacific Ocean' is superior to the 'Atlantic Ocean' because it is twice the size

My number two, Pacific Ocean. Pacific Ocean, twice the size of the Atlantic Ocean. Has, like, Hawaii, all that cool shit. You could be a cool Cali teen in the Pacific Ocean.

A rhino is a better version of an African buffalo in a fight

I'm taking a rhino, which is a better version of the African buffalo. ... It's got thicker skin, which is basically armor. It's got the horn.

I am not a fan of Europe and didn't enjoy staying in London

I don't love staying in London. The city of London is great. We stayed like an hour outside of London. Food is not great. And there's not really much to do. And I just don't, I'm just not a huge fan of Europe.

Salt water in the ocean is created by fish semen

It's brackish because that's where all the fish come. So when a fish jizzes... all that jizz has to go somewhere, and it just goes in the water and makes salt water.

The Central Time Zone is the undisputed best time zone for sports fans

The Central Time Zone is by far the best. The problem with everyone who's like West Coast is the best because 10 a.m. football... 10 a.m. is too early. Noon is objectively the perfect time to start a football game... and Monday night football ends at like 11 o'clock. My ranking of time zones goes Central time, mountain time, west coast, east coast.

Men should never use 2.5-pound plates at the gym

Men shouldn't use the two and a half plates ever. Ever. ... You went up two and a half pounds today. Like, men shouldn't use the two and a half plates ever.

Breaking up with a long-term girlfriend for a year to 'experience things' will definitely result in getting back together

Or just tell her that you joined the military and then just leave town. Yeah, for three years. Write a couple postcards. Come back. If she cheated on you, she's a scumbag. Yeah, that's actually a very good way to tell how serious she is about this relationship. Make up a deployment.

I am going to die during the summer because I can no longer handle the heat

I realized something today. I'm going to be one of those people that dies in the summer because I just can't take the heat anymore. I fucking hate the summer. I'm done with the summer. I've just realized that I'm going to be probably in my 50s or 60s and it will be one of those situations where I'm mowing the lawn... and then I'm just going to die.

If you get arrested, you should drop the name of a mid-level officer rather than the President

If you get arrested, you want to drop a name. It's kind of the inverse of what you think it should be. You want to drop the smallest name possible that the guy would recognize. Like you want to drop the name of his slightly superior officer. You don't want to go straight to the top with the president.

Birthdays officially start to suck at age 26

At what age do birthdays just start to suck? Oh, I'd say 26. Everything from there is downhill.

Millennials are killing drivers by not getting enough DUIs

Technically, by not getting DUIs, millennials are actually killing more drivers. Because the roads are worse now. Because your [DUI] tickets aren't going to fund the renovations.

New York sports outside of the Yankees and Giants is a total shit show

New York sports is basically the Yankees, with the Giants with an honorable mention. If you look at the rest of them, it is a fucking shit show. The Knicks, the Nets, the Rangers, the Mets, the Jets. I mean, it's just everybody. It's like if you combined all those years, how long it's been with all of those teams just not winning championships.

You should never eat chicken because it is a 'nervous bird.'

Harbaugh pulled Wilton Speight aside and told him not to eat chicken, a protein that is considered fairly safe by nutritionists. When Speight asked why, Harbaugh said, 'Because it's a nervous bird.' He thinks some type of sickness injected its way into the human population when people began eating white meats instead of beef and pork. And I believe it 100%.

There is an oversaturation of dogs on social media

I'm getting on the borderline of getting sick of the oversaturation of dogs on Twitter.

A guy in a white Chrysler 300 is the breakdown of society

This guy in this white Chrysler 300 sedan... He now decides he's going to go back into the fast lane. I decided, you know, this is an allegory for a breakdown in society. All right? Here I am. I'm a very calm person. But when you abuse me like this, I'm not letting him in.

Tom Brady is allowed to have a dad bod because he is a father of three with multiple rings

he does have a dad bod. He is like 44 or something. Yeah, he's allowed to have a dad bod. I think once you get three Super Bowl rings. And you're married to the world's most successful supermodel. It's okay to have a dad bod.

Gorillas are the best zoo animal because looking into their eyes is life-changing

Right off the bat, I'm going gorillas. Gorillas are great for so many reasons. Have you ever looked into a gorilla's eyes in the zoo when they make eye contact with you? It is a life-changing conversation. If you can get past the tears that are flowing out of them. It is a life-changing event.

Penguins are the most entertaining zoo animal because they trip and fall

My number two, definitely the most entertaining zoo animal, penguins. When penguins are running around, a penguin diving into the water is just pure joy.

French kissing animals is fucked up.

Slipping your dog some tongue, that's fucked up. That's an issue, yes.

Massive monuments are the best because they prove you 'really ran shit' while alive

I think the best monuments are the big, giant ones. That's how you know you really ran shit when you were alive. You've got a statue that's three or four times the size of you.

The St. Louis Gateway Arch is the worst monument in the world

I have my nominee for the worst. The Arch in St. Louis. Yes, that one sucks. Like, hey, let's just put like a big piece of metal on your front lawn. It looks like a leftover part from the air conditioner.

It is possible for an elite athlete to gain muscle on a vegan diet

There you go, Colin Kaepernick. There's proof that an elite athlete who's also a vegan can put on weight and muscle. Oh, yeah. Plenty of them.

If red hits 10 times in a row in roulette, it's more likely to hit red again

Red's hot. Red is hot. You're taking the human element out of the wheel. Red's dominating... I'd say more like 85% [chance].

Every vegan who says they like tofu is lying

Every vegan who says they like tofu, I know they're lying. I like tofu. No, you don't. False. All right, we settled that.

Being a virgin after age 30 is actually a good 'line' to use on women

After you turn like 30, and you say, like, I'm a virgin by choice. I feel like there's an element that the girl is like, I want to be the one. I want to be the one that makes him switch over to the other team... I think it becomes more positive after 30 than it does between the age of 18 and 29.