Takes

I'm going to be a huge fan of women's sports once my daughter is born

I'm having another child. It's going to be a girl... As of June, I'm going to be forced to do a podcast with a bunch of misogynists, and I'm no longer going to be a misogynist. For some reason, I just love watching women's sports now. That just happened overnight.

I genuinely didn't know the T in 'mortgage' was silent

I genuinely thought that's it. I didn't know the T was silent... I missed that once. I've gotten criticism in my broadcasting career. I've gotten destroyed for this... It's my fault. I messed up.

I am officially retiring from giving pregame speeches

I gave them [Tony Scheffler's team] a pump up speech before state quarterfinals. And then they lost by like 40. I'm retiring from the pregame speech. We'll stop doing speeches.

Apartment buildings should replace staircases with escalators

Why don't we have escalators instead of staircases in apartment buildings? That to me seems like a much more functional alternative. [Big Cat: That takes up a lot of space.] Same amount as the stairs. I want the stairs to move.

The first nice day of spring in the Northeast is equivalent to the feeling of taking Molly

Even though it is the first nice day of the year in the Northeast... some may say that the first nice day of the year is like taking Molly for those who have been shut in all winter.

Losing a three-leg moneyline parlay by one game is the worst way to lose in gambling

When you bet two out of three parlay and you hit money lines, like that's actually the worst way to lose of all time.

The United States is ending Daylight Savings Time permanently

The United States Senate is passing a bill saying that we're not going to do daylight savings time ever again. So your clocks stay where they are... It looks like we're not going to be changing our clocks this summer. Ever again. Ever again.

Eating salads for a week caused my kidney stones

Bottom line is no more salads. I fucked up by eating salads for a week and now look at me. I'm passing a kidney stone... My inside is like the Infinity Stones.

Chapstick is one of the biggest scams in America

I present to you one of the biggest scams in America. Chapstick. I keep losing mine. It is impossible to finish a stick. You have to buy a new one every week. Do you know anyone who's ever finished a chapstick?

Vacation shaming is always wrong

Vacation shaming in all forms is wrong. That's my stance. I just, you know, I'm on the front lines of vacations everywhere.

COVID is no joke, even for peak athletes like me.

My Fyre Fest is I have COVID. It pretty much sucks. It's low-key not a great time... a peak athlete like myself, I've had trouble breathing all week. It has not been fun. I've literally just done this show, and after we hang up, I'm like, gasped beyond belief. It is no joke, and you shouldn't take it seriously... i know i sound preachy but guess what i'll fucking say it this thing is no joke

It should be encouraged to kill bats to keep the population down and reduce the risk of mosquito bites

I feel like it should be encouraged to kill bats... [to keep the] population like to keep it down. So like no of the mosquito bites. Which also was the bats. That's true.

Billy Football's 285-pound bench press max is embarrassing

Billy actually said hovering around 285, which means he doesn't bench 285, which 285 is embarrassing... for a guy that spent four years in a weight program in high school and then three years in a weight program in college.

Holding a baby is the perfect cover for committing a crime

I think I need to get into a life of crime using my son as like pretty much... a prop... The guy looked at me and he was like 'this guy... is a dad he can't steal.'

I am the alpha of the show because I squat and bench more than everyone else in the room

I 100% squat and bench more than anybody in this room. And because of that, I think that makes me the alpha.

I thought the police were defunded so I could speed 89 in a 55

I got a really bad feeling, I got a speeding ticket. Turns out there was a speeding camera that caught me... I thought they defunded the police. I actually was like, 'no police.' I read the news, they defunded these guys. I'm good.

You can treat scabies by buying horse medicine (Ivermectin) at a tractor supply store

The drug that you're going to want to ask for... I took some Ivermectin. You get it at like a Tractor Supply store because you get the horses [version]. If you think you have scabies, they sell it in big tubes like toothpaste. You just got to make sure the dosage is right—it's like one milligram for every 20 pounds.

Ages 21 through 26 are the 'prime stains' years for a man's clothing

I would expect that at 23 years old, you would have some just random stains on you... I'd say if you're 23, I would expect that to. It's like 21 through 26 is that's Prime stains.

I guarantee sports will be back in July

Sports are coming back in July. I guarantee it. ... Clip that. No, they are coming back. At some point in July.

Porn sites are pushing specific genres to collect blackmail dirt on the entire country

I think that the porn sites have been complicit recently... on most major porn sites, they feature heavily the whole stepson-stepdaughter dynamic even if you never click on those videos and watch them, they're pushing those on you. I think that they've been doing that so that now they know that anyone that's been to one of these websites has either accidentally or on purpose clicked on one of those, so they have dirt on everybody in America almost.

The legal system would break if everyone collectively stopped responding to jury summons.

What if we all just stopped going to jury summons? They can't bring in new juries to try us. Solidarity. They also can't arrest people right now. That's illegal. If a police officer tries to arrest you, you can arrest him.

The traditional post-game handshake in sports will likely never return

My fire fest of the week is I don't think that they're going to be any more hockey handshakes at the end of Big Time Stanley Cup Playoff Series because Dr. Fauci said that he doesn't think the handshakes ever go to I'm back. I'm happy about this... It absolutely is weird. If it was any other part of your body that you did this with it would be bizarre.

My recent gambling hot streak was the best of my life

I have never been hotter as a gambler in my entire life, 20 years of gambling, than I have been in the last three weeks and Coronavirus stopped it all. I honestly have two losing days in the last 21 days.

Exposure to the office 'pile' of trash has strengthened our immune systems.

I actually think that being around the pile has probably strengthened our immune systems without a doubt. My mom saw that on Twitter and texting me also if and when the pile in your office is cleaned, you will find it as full of niceness.

We are 'all fucked' because of the coronavirus

The coronavirus is active. It is live. It's over in China right now. They've shut down cities. They've quarantined entire cities... And I've seen the movie Outbreak recently. So I just think we're all fucked.

A wet sock is worse than a broken foot

I will say having a wet foot will ruin your day. Wet foot is worse than spraining an ankle which is worse than a break. I would rather have my foot chopped off then have my sock be wet all day.

iPhone 'tapback' message reactions serve no purpose and the inventor should be exiled

I am in quite the text thread for my [fantasy football] league. Not only are is everybody just like replying with small little jokes, but they're also huge on the emphasizing things, the laughing at things—those extra buttons. They serve no extra purpose and I fucking hate those extra buttons because they fill up my phone notifications... the person that invented it should have to go live in Brazil for the rest of their life.

We have all been living in a computer simulation since 2012

My fire fest of the week is the fact that we've all been dead for seven years. Back in 2012, the Large Hadron Collider was invented... And currently we're living in a computer simulation. We're like, God is doing like a Madden Sim season... there are these little tiny glitches that the computer didn't get right. For example, Skechers Shoes. I always thought it was S-K-E-T-C-H-E-R-S. Turns out it's not. There's no T in there.

The compact SUV market is a total fraud

The compact SUV world is such a fraud city... it's just a car. And then you actually don't have as much trunk room as you would in a normal car. You put a dog in it, and it's already crowded.

I am officially quitting the Juul and invite fans to slap me if they catch me using it

I'm also quitting Juul, which is official... If you catch me Juuling, slap me. If you see me with that motherfucking thing on me, slap me right in my jaw.

I will never cord-cut because streaming sports is too unreliable

I have so many boxes... my cable bill is like probably $400 a month. I watched a bowl game with [a friend] two years ago... It buffered so many fucking times. I had money on the game, and I was sitting there like, what is happening right now? I could never cord cut.

April has the worst weather of any month because of its inconsistency

April has the worst weather of any month... Because you can't fucking plan for it. It's cold. It's still the winter. Then it's hot. Then it's cold again. Then it rains... I would rather at least know January's going to suck no matter what.

Modern weed has become too good and it actually sucks now

My first personal Fyre Fest is weed. Just pot. I don't like smoking really good weed. I think really good weed has gotten so good that it sucks. I like nice, kind bud. Like a decent KB is what I'm about. If you give me something... orange crystals... I'm like, no, I don't want to smoke that because I'm going to feel like I'm on the moon and I don't want to be on the moon. I want to be like in the clouds.