Takes

I could take a boa constrictor in a wrestling match

I think I could take a boa constrictor. I don't think a boa constrictor could take down like a fucking well... I just punch it in its brain over and over. I would you kick a boa constrictor up doesn't have to take down a boa constrictor our python an anaconda might get you.

Hitler's dog, Blondi, was a bad dog because dogs take on the personality of their owners.

I'm gonna go on a limb and say that Hitler's dog blondi is bad because dogs they take on the personality of their owners. You know that. ... I'm going to go on a limb and say that Hitler's dog blondi is bad.

I'm the number one person in the world at finding open tables at packed bars

I think I'm number one in the world at finding open tables at packed bars or seats in general because of my figure and I don't like to stand very much... I will always find an open table.

Getting old sucks, especially the hangovers

My first pick will be getting old sucks, especially hangovers. So hangovers getting worse and just the aging process is the worst.

All dogs die

All dogs die. ... It's a hard pill to swallow. ... The human death is, yes, it's obviously worse, but you don't deal with it in the amount that, like, if you live to 80, you're going to have probably eight dogs, nine dogs.

Short people take over the world for moments and then are infamous for the rest of history

Short people take over the world. For moments. And then are infamous for the rest of history... Tall people run the world day to day. But ironically, they have to be looking over their shoulder.

No one actually likes dad bods; it's a myth

No one actually likes dad bods. That's such a fucking myth. And to be like, have the glimmer of hope... No, that's not real.

Climate change will cause the earth to fry in the next 100 years

Climate change is real and the earth is basically going to fry in the next hundred years... Or less. For sure going to happen.

Carolina Blue is the best shade of blue

I'll go Carolina blue. Who doesn't love that? Baby blue. Also, a.k.a.

Age 21 is the best age because of the thrill of finally being legal to drink

I'll start with 21. Everyone's excited. Everyone had a fake ID in college, but when you turn 21 that first time you walk in the bar and you're like, 'yep, that's really me.' There's no thrill like that.

Age 25 is the peak for physical strength in the human body

I'll go with 25. Peak strength. That is the human body's at your peak strength. [...] It's scientific fact. When you're 24 or 25, that's why BYU always wins games. [...] 25 is your peak strength.

Age 4 is the best age because it is the last year of complete freedom before school

I'm going to go with 4. It is the last year before you're stuck in a school every single day for life. You're just playing all day every day. All you have to do is play games, watch Teletubbies and just chill. That is your last year of complete and total freedom in your life.

Age 100 is the best age because everyone laughs at everything you say

If you get to a hundred, people think you walk on water. I think you're Jesus. [...] Everyone throws you parties. [...] If you're a hundred, people will just laugh at everything you say no matter what. You can go viral at a hundred for just existing.

The sound of creasing paper is the worst sound in the world

This is a personal one, but the sound of folding paper, like a crease in folding paper... it's the worst sound in the world.

You must always order two bagels: one to eat immediately and one for an hour later

You order one bagel to eat right away, and then the other is like an hour later. You have to. You have to. That's how you get to 'deuce hogs.'

I honestly think I could fly a plane in an emergency based on flight simulators and 'Top Gun'

I honestly think I could fly an airplane... if the pilot becomes incapacitated during the flight. I'm going to raise my hand and be like, I have flown numerous flight simulators. I played the Top Gun video game. I've seen Top Gun like 10 times. I think I could get the plane close to landing.

The goat is the number one farm animal

I'm going to go with the goat... a lot of reasons. I'm thinking logically how much they eat, the reproduction, the price per pound coming from the farm. But the first domesticated animal on earth. And it is the goat. 1, 1. It's quite obvious.

The Muscovy duck is the best farm animal because it is quiet and tasty

the muscovy duck... just an interesting looking creature... quackless... any animal you can get that's quiet is a good thing... they're tasty too. A lot of reasons. They eat mice. They're mean.

Bees are the most important farm animals because they sustain the ecosystem

I'm going with bees. They're actually the most important animal that you can have. And when they're dying at an alarming rate, then all the other plants and animals in the ecosystem, they face a rapid decline in population once the bees are gone.

The airline complainer at the gate is one of the most annoying types of people in an airport

I'm just going to go the complainer, the airline complainer at the gate who has decided that this travel, like whatever happened to them is the worst thing in the world. And it's not like every other travel minor inconvenience you've had. They yell, they scream, they berate people, they make a scene and they make it so much worse for everyone else.

Barefoot people on planes are the most annoying travel people

The barefoot person on the plane. The person who puts their feet up and there are just toes everywhere. It's just gross. I don't care how clean your feet are. When I look at a foot, I assume it's dirty and I imagine the smell even if it doesn't stink.

People who stand at the gate and clog the aisle long before their boarding group is called are the worst

The people that get up way too early, like, this flight is about to board. ... If you're in group five and they say, no, no. ... If you're in group five and you go and then stand and just wait at the gate, I hate you.

People who stand up immediately upon landing and clog the aisle are incredibly annoying

When you get up to leave a plane the second that it lands and you clog the fucking aisle and nobody can get out of their seats, there's a reason that there's an order to get out of the plane.

People who bring hot, smelly food onto planes are assholes

Hot food on the plane guy who brings it in with him. Dude, if you're bringing like a whole Chinese food and then popping it open right when we sit down, you're an asshole. and it smells everywhere, that's the worst.

You should always clap when a plane lands safely

The pilot landed on the ground safely. You just traveled hundreds and hundreds of miles in the air, and you're not going to clap and appreciate what the pilot just did for you? ... Sometimes I ironically will just start a clap. Like I'll do one just to see if I can get it going.

Shitting in an airplane bathroom ruins the travel experience for everyone else on the plane

Person that shits in the airplane bathroom. Especially if you happen to be in that last room. ... It ruins the traveling experience for everybody.

TSA agents who ask too many investigative questions are unnecessarily stressful

The TSA guy who asked too many questions. The agent, when you have to give them your ID, you ever get the one where it's like, what's your name? Or where are you flying? And it's the easiest question, but you always blank. ... I don't know what it is about the TSA because they just, for some reason, they're not even cops. You're not even real cops.

I can catch a fish with my bare hands in a river in Alaska

If I had a day on a river in Alaska, I could catch a fish with my hands. ... I've been watching a lot of Planet Earth. Their method is not that crazy. ... Give me enough time in Alaska.

If you have a stubborn fart, you should get on all fours like a dog to release it

You know when you've got to really fart bad and you can't and you get on all fours? That's a good position... Someday my son's going to come out and be like, well, dad, why are you on the floor? I got to fart. Son, this is how we fart.

Buying illegal drugs for the first time is a drug in itself

Buying drugs for the first time is absolutely it is a drug in itself. It's like the rush that you get after the transaction's over. It could be the world's shittiest drugs but you're like super excited you're like oh my god I did this.

Waking up after a blackout and realizing you still have your phone and wallet is an all-time thrill

Drinking too much, like completely blacking out... And waking up and checking your pants to see if your wallet and phone isn't there... That, that wake up of like... Oh my God, do I have my shit? That is a thrill in itself.

Winning a bet that was a sure loser is an all-time thrill

Winning a bet that was a sure, sure, sure loser. Like dead in the water. You have an over and it comes back out of nowhere. Where you just wrote it off. That is an all-time thrill.

I am the world's best at finding open tables or seats in packed bars

I think I'm number one in the world at finding open tables at packed bars or seats in general... I will always find an open table... if you come out with me, I will get us a seat. I will not stand up.

I can instantly tell if someone hates me or if they are full of shit

I think I'm great at being able to tell if someone hates me, if someone's full of shit. I want to say like FBI level lie detections... I can leave a room and go, that guy doesn't like me... I've just been around long enough... that I just think I've honed that skill.

Blue suits will be out of style in two years

I think in two years, everybody's been looking at their closet going, why do I have seven different blue suits? So I would get out of the blue suit game right now.

You shouldn't make daily small talk with coworkers who are outside of your direct department because they probably hate you

If you don't work with them directly, you shouldn't be striking up conversations with people every single day. Because those people probably hate you.

A cross breeze is better than using air conditioning

Listen, son. You can just open up the windows on both sides. You get a great cross breeze through the house. It's the same thing as having AC on. ... Cross breeze is better than the AC.

October is the best month of the year

October... it is the best month of the year. You have the fall, you have football being awesome, you have playoff baseball, you have NBA and NHL, it is the only month where all four sports are playing.

Thanksgiving is the best holiday

November because football and Thanksgiving... rivalry week is in November, and Thanksgiving is the best holiday.

The Atlantic Ocean is superior to the Pacific Ocean because it's more versatile

My first is going to be the Atlantic Ocean. It's a very versatile ocean. You can go down to Florida. It's always nice. It's clear. It's blue. It's nice and warm like bathtub water. Or you can go all the way up north to, let's just say, the Cape Cod region.

Rain after a humid day is a top-tier form of water

I'm going to go with the rain to break a super, super humid day. That quick rain. Then the water comes down, and then it's nice. It doesn't stay wet for very long. When it's super, super hot out, and then it rains, and then it feels like 20 degrees cooler, and it's awesome.

The 'Pacific Ocean' is superior to the 'Atlantic Ocean' because it is twice the size

My number two, Pacific Ocean. Pacific Ocean, twice the size of the Atlantic Ocean. Has, like, Hawaii, all that cool shit. You could be a cool Cali teen in the Pacific Ocean.

Drinking from a garden hose on a hot day makes you feel like more of a man

I'll go with a hose water on a hot summer day. That's a great water. Whatever you're doing, you get that hose water, you feel like a man, too, drinking. Like, hey, guess what? I'll go straight to the source. I don't need a cup. It looks badass, too.

An African buffalo is a top-tier animal choice for a fight and can beat multiple lions

I'll go with the African buffalo... they're diesel. They're like basically like rhino buffaloes. They kill lions. They just fuck everything up in Africa by themselves. ... The African buffalo fucks up like multiple lions.

A King Cobra bite would kill an adult male African buffalo

One half of a king cobra bite would kill an adult male African buffalo. ... The fucking African buffalo cannot ... I'm actually looking it up right now. I just Googled it.

Men should never use 2.5-pound plates at the gym

Men shouldn't use the two and a half plates ever. Ever. ... You went up two and a half pounds today. Like, men shouldn't use the two and a half plates ever.

You should never eat chicken because it is a 'nervous bird.'

Harbaugh pulled Wilton Speight aside and told him not to eat chicken, a protein that is considered fairly safe by nutritionists. When Speight asked why, Harbaugh said, 'Because it's a nervous bird.' He thinks some type of sickness injected its way into the human population when people began eating white meats instead of beef and pork. And I believe it 100%.

Gorillas are the best zoo animal because looking into their eyes is life-changing

Right off the bat, I'm going gorillas. Gorillas are great for so many reasons. Have you ever looked into a gorilla's eyes in the zoo when they make eye contact with you? It is a life-changing conversation. If you can get past the tears that are flowing out of them. It is a life-changing event.

Penguins are the most entertaining zoo animal because they trip and fall

My number two, definitely the most entertaining zoo animal, penguins. When penguins are running around, a penguin diving into the water is just pure joy.

Pregaming a wedding is essential to making the day tolerable when dealing with annoying family members.

Sometimes you're pre-gaming just because you don't want to deal with, you know, annoying family members and whatnot. You got to have a couple beers, make the whole day tolerable.