Takes

John Cena will return to WWE within the 2026 calendar year

I would say within a calendar year [of now]. ... Next calendar year, [John Cena] will be back. If it was his final match, he would not have lost.

Jason Kelce will drink over 20 beers on the day of Travis Kelce and Taylor Swift's wedding

My prediction. I think that Jason Kelce is going to drink over 20 beers on the day of the wedding... I think he might drink over 20 before he even does the best man speech.

The next season of Always Sunny in Philadelphia will be the funniest one in a decade

I think that this season that's coming out today or tomorrow is the funniest season, maybe the funniest season we've ever done. That's a pretty high bar, but definitely the funniest of the last like, decade.

The Gallagher brothers will break up before the Oasis reunion tour finishes

I would be disappointed if they didn't break up during the tour. That means that they've changed. And I want the same Oasis.

The latest Blink-182 reunion is for life

This is the third iteration of Blink-182. And people still wanna buy albums and listen to our music... we can't fuck this up again. The third time is just, we will be a joke at that point. Like, if we're getting back together as the three of us, it has to be forever. And that's it.

Audi Helly was the character we saw at the end of the Severance season finale

The real theory is that it's Audi Helly at the end of the episode. Because she brings him in back and smiled at Gemma. And Irv said Audi Helly was never cruel. And it was kind of a cruel looking smile when she looked at Gemma and was like, I won.

Helly is going to kill her father in the Severance Season 2 finale

I want death. I want multiple deaths. Oh, I think Helly's gonna kill her dad. No, I mean, she's showed... she tried to kill herself. They think that she's her daughter who's like the whatever of the company, but they don't know Hellie down there.

I will play the role of Chris Farley with such love that I won't let his fans down

I love Chris so much that I'm incapable of letting Chris, and I mean, I, I can't, I'm not incapable of letting his fans down... I love Chris so much that I'm not worried about keeping his memory alive in a, in an authentic and loving way. I know I'm going to do that... some people are just supposed to play certain people.

I would win an Oscar if I played Teddy Roosevelt

I, I have three roles I really want to inhabit in the next five years. I wanna, I wanna play Teddy Roosevelt. [Big Cat: Oscar! Hauser: Yes.] And that's another one where I just, I know I can play him. I'm not even worried about it.

Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce will get engaged followed by a bad album

My preemptive take of the year is that Taylor Swift and Travis [Kelce] are going to get engaged. And then she's going to put out a terrible album. Because she's happy and she doesn't have any boyfriends to complain about. And then all her fans are going to start to hate her because her music sucks because she's happy with her personal life.

Tyreek Hill will become a porn star after he retires from the NFL

Tyreek Hill... came out today and said that when he retires he wants to just kind of get outta the limelight and enjoys retirement in peace and also be a porn star. I would watch.

The upcoming Harry Potter TV show will suck

The movie sucks. The show's probably gonna suck too. That's my take.

The breakup of Chrissy Teigen and John Legend will be the greatest day on the internet

I can't wait for Chrissy Teigen and John Legend. It's gonna be the best day on the internet. Like all these people being like, what is love anymore? ... It will be the greatest breakup of all time... Their private life must be a horror show. John legend... that's the kind of guy that cheats as he gets older. He's gonna do it like in a classy way.

I will start watching the show 'Dave' by next Wednesday

By the time I speak to you on next Wednesday's show, within the next week, I will have started Dave. That's my resolution... I'm going to be able to fulfill on two out of those three [goals] already and three out of three by next week.

I am one of the best in the world at predicting Dave Portnoy's pizza review scores

I feel like I'm one of the best in the world at predicting what Dave is going to rate a pizza... I'm nasty like it's just it's crazy. Like I picked this so many times... I would put money up if we want to do that one day.

Workaholics will be 12 times funnier when we are all 50

We have always been very adamant in saying that Workaholics gets 12 times more funnier when we're all 50 and or like even older and still living together, and I'm just bald on the top of my head. It's just storylines for days.

Tekashi 6ix9ine's addiction to Instagram Live will eventually lead to his downfall

this dude is so good at self-promotion... But the only downside to it is he's addicted to going live. He goes live when he's about to commit crimes. And as somebody who's on the run from people that are looking for him, I think that's going to be his downfall.

Billy Mitchell is an assistant who talks in the third person to reporters

Shawn Jones is definitely Billy, right? Talking the third person. That's absolutely it's an assistant that Billy made up like Trump made up John Baron back in the 80s to like talk to reporters and shit.

Tom Cruise would murder Justin Bieber in a fight

I still think Tom Cruise would kick his ass. Tom Cruise would murder him. Dude, he does all his own stunts. Hanging outside of a helicopter at Mission Impossible. Yes, that's him.

Sex bots will be perfected before robot umpires or doctors

I think we're going – if history has taught us anything, it's that sex is always on the bleeding edge of technology. So after we perfect sex bots – Then we'll get around to making things like doctors, surgeons. Robot umps and robot baseball players.

Predicts Prince Harry and Meghan Markle will get divorced

I saw a lot of people tweeting like, oh, my God... they love each other. I can't wait for them to get divorced. It's going to be awesome. I hope she takes them for all of Sussex.

T.Y. Hilton's son will date Riley Curry in 15 years

Also, I just want to make a prediction. Within, I'm going to say 10 to 15 years, T.Y. Hilton's kid is going to be dating Riley Curry. I just want to put that out there. I think that's the next sports power couple.

Someone is going to die from the table-jumping trend

No, somebody's already died. We just have—they just didn't look about it. They deleted the video. So it never got out. [Later] But we all know someone's going to die.