Takes

If the Jets lose to the Buccaneers and their backup offensive line, defensive coordinator Aaron Glenn should be fired

I was saying if, if the, if the defense gets embarrassed by an all backup offensive line... he should probably be [fired]. Must compete. I wanna see a competitive football team.

The Packers fleeced the Cowboys in the Micah Parsons trade

Packers fleeced... yes this is a cope and then I'm gonna mute the whole thing. This is crazy... will there be a player in the next two drafts in the, let's call it 15 to 25 range, where the packers will most likely be picking that will be better than Micah Parsons? The answer is no.

I can win the Internet Invitational golf tournament

I shot a 44 on the front today. I'm telling you guys, I think I can win the Internet Invitational. I think I can.

I am officially retiring from participating in physical sports challenges

My fire fest is pretty simple. My body is broken. I'm, I'm too old for some of this shit. I did tweet that I was thinking about retirement, like not retirement from like this show, but retirement from our physical challenges. We played, we did six hour stream on Tuesday night... softball on Wednesday... oh my god, I can't walk right now. I think I need to retire from sports. I need to be a walking guy.

A fake kidnapping is the only way to find out if a rookie is 'ride or die'

You gotta fake kidnap your boys if you wanna make sure that they ride or die... it's a simple question of: do I like this kid? And the only way to find out is you go down the line and it's fake kidnapping with a real gun on video.

Lactose intolerance is a sign of weakness and most people who claim it are 'pussies'

I think lactose intolerant people are just pussies. I just, when people are like, I can't eat that ice cream. I'm lact— shut the fuck up. Eat the ice cream. If you need an EpiPen, I respect you. If you are, if you like, oh, I got a little diarrhea, dude, that's my whole life is eating too much ice cream and getting diarrhea.

The Eagles fleeced the Commanders in the Jahan Dotson trade

I like Jahan Dotson, a Penn State fan who's a beast at Penn State. Good wide receiver three. Give up a third, get back a fifth. Very happy. Fleeced. Fleeced.

The 'Uncrustable Diet' is the perfect way to get in shape for age 40

I'm trying a new diet that I think I invented, which is strictly Uncrustables. ... My meal plan is, I eat four Uncrustables a day. ... I think that the Uncrustable is probably the perfect snack. The perfect meal, the perfect everything.

Flacco the Owl was a slut

Even though I don't, I I I'll still stand with my take that Flacco the owl was a slut. Big time slut. I guess the pigeon herpes might've been because he was eating pigeons. ... I'm sticking with full on slut shaming a flacco. You were a slut. That's how you got the herpes.

The Penguins faked the bobblehead truck hijacking because they forgot to order them

I don't think the bobbleheads existed. I think maybe I, I think that maybe there were no bobbleheads and the Penguins were like, fuck it's bobblehead night. We forgot to order these things... It's Jussie Smollett. It's Jussie Smollett bobblehead night. And they're like, well we don't have, oh yeah, the cops, we called the cops. They're looking into it right now.

I will be able to dunk a basketball and hit twenty three-pointers within the next ten months

I'm going hard to dunk... summer, that's exactly my plan. I'm already over leveraged. What if I do both and hit 20 threes? I just have to basically change my entire lifestyle way of thinking and everything.

Wisconsin will shock the world and upset Number 3 Ohio State

Boys, I believe that the badgers are gonna upset and shock the world. And I know that this is how it happens to me... 20 years ago this month a freshman Big Cat stormed the field when Wisconsin... beat number three Ohio State. And 20 years later, a double digit underdog is playing number three Ohio State.

Wisconsin will beat Ohio State in Madison

Luke Fickle is building a monster. I stand by that. We're going to beat Ohio State. You hear that right now? Halloween weekend, night game, Madison. We're going to beat Ohio State.

I cannot run a 5K in under 33 minutes

I'm not gonna be able to run under 33 minutes. I'm not gonna be able to do that and I can't do that. Physically... I'm going to end up, I'm gonna get an injury. Like my back is gonna, is gonna come out.

The Bears are coming to get everyone in the NFL this year

My son, who's four ... keeps saying that the bears are coming to get him. I feel like that's a good thing for the bears season. ... The monsters of the midway are back.

The Russians are radicalizing orcas to attack ships in NATO waters

So the Russians have been training beluga whales to be spies in NATO waters and with all these recent orca attacks are the Russians, radicalizing orcas? ... The orcas haven't been acting like that before.

I will become a scratch golfer by the end of the week

I'm gonna become a scratch golfer by the end of the week.

The Bruins are the greatest regular season hockey team ever and will dominate the playoffs

I'm all out on this team. This team is different. They're the greatest hockey team I've ever watched in the regular season. They're the greatest regular season team of all time. They're gonna dominate, they're gonna run through these playoffs.

I will join the 1,000 pound club naturally within a year

Challenge myself and I'm gonna get hurt. And that's gonna suck... I'm gonna try to do a thousand pound club, Billy... It's deadlift, squat, bench. A thousand pounds... I'm doing it all natural. No, I'm doing it. It's either all natural or can't do.

Dentists are a scam

Dentists are a scam. You don't have a cavity until somebody tells you you have a cavity. People don't go to the dentist when their teeth are feeling great.

The new PLL Sixes format is the best lacrosse product and will replace regular rules

I think the new, the new PLL championship series six is, is actually I think like the best lacrosse product I've ever seen. Like I think it's gonna replace regular, the regular rules. I think this is how the game is gonna be played in the future. It's the best lacrosse product you can put out.

Anthony Richardson will be the #1 overall pick in the NFL Draft

I'm all the way back in on Anthony Richardson... he also knows I love value... Anthony Richardson +10,000 or whatever, 100 to 1 to go number one... I'm reading all the articles, trying to just will him to somehow become the number one overall pick.

Vacations are for suckers and losers

Full stop. Fucking work hard. Hank vacation. Boy, you're soft bitch. All these vacations you're taking. I didn't even like doing it. I wanted to be working with the boys... vacations for suckers and losers.

I am losing 25 pounds in 2023 for my 'hard body' year

2023 is a hard body year. I'm gonna get a hard body... I'm losing 25 pounds in 2023. Losing 25 pounds in 2023... January 1st, new me.

Turnovers increase the likelihood of succeeding on a 4th down or 2-pt conversion via 'vibe' multipliers

Basically the percentage of converting a two point conversion or on fourth down basically gets increased depending on what type of turnover happens before that possession... after an interception, a fourth down conversion or a two point conversion increases by let's say 110%.

Eating 14 hot dogs in 12 hours is not a lot of food

When you say 14 hot dogs in 12 hours isn't that much. It's not. That's a fat ass statement. Not that you're a fat ass, but... it's really just dealing with Stu Feiner all the time.

I may be allergic to red meat and dairy for the rest of my life due to a lone star tick bite

Turns out I must have stepped on a lone star tick nest... and I got bitten by a bunch of lone star tick larva... which the good news is the larva don't transmit Lyme's... but they can give you an Alpha-gal allergy. That means that Alpha-gal is in all red meat and dairy and I, I might be allergic to red meat and dairy for the rest of my life. I had to go vegan for a month before I get the test... I contracted veganism.

The new lacrosse movie will be as impactful for the sport as Drive to Survive was for F1

The sport was honestly amazing. It was like, I think that it's going to be as huge for lacrosse as DRS [Drive to Survive] is revive was for F1. It was an amazing feature.

The Warriors are dead

My fire Fest is obviously a, the warriors is dead. I truly believe that.

I'm betting on a Subway Series between the Mets and Yankees in the World Series

I'm putting in subway series, future. The Mets and the Yankees to meet in the world series. I think it's 14 to one... I just want to see it in this office and the chaos that ensues.

Ryan Fitzpatrick will return from retirement halfway through the 2022 season

Ryan Fitzpatrick just retired. Ah, damn. He'll be back. Yeah. That's not a real retirement. No chance. Halfway through the season, somebody gets hurt. [He'll be] back. No chance.

I am steadfastly committed to Carson Wentz conversion therapy

I'm still I'm, I'm steadfast. I'm committed to the Carson Wentz conversion therapy. I'm moving forward with it. Very happy with him as my quarterback.

The ACC is rigged and the referees are bullshit

Also, my Fyre Fest is the ACC refs are fucking bullshit. ACC's rigged. I'm going to get an investigation. What they did to Louisville on Tuesday night will not stand. So I stand with Louisville and all the people who are angry about that game.

Caleb Williams will transfer to the Wisconsin Badgers

I've fully bought into the fact that Caleb Williams might be a Wisconsin Badger and it's makes no sense. And his choices are between Wisconsin, LSU and USC... I've sold myself on it and I've sold myself on him coming. He's the number one recruit in all football.

I will get a Warzone win before the new season or I'll get duct-taped to a wall

A month and a half ago I was playing War Zone... I was like I'll get a win before the new season comes out, which is next Monday or Tuesday... if I don't you'll get duct tape to wall. I was like absolutely. There's no doubt in my mind I'll get that win. No problem at all.

The new Pardon My Take NFTs are unstealable and cannot be copied

But you yourself can own one of these NFTs, the auction starting soon and they can't be copied. These ones can not be copied. I went, it's going to take a little longer stress testing. These ones are going to be rock solid NFTs. These are unstealable. Don't even try it. Folks cannot steal the high security.

Jalen Johnson is not a true Duke player because he 'stood up' to Coach K

Jalen Johnson... he's the guy who quit on, dropped out of Duke. So he's not—let me say, I'm not going to say he quit on it. It was courageous what he did against Coach K, because Coach K probably made it his life miserable playing at Duke. Coach K is officially off the board. No, I think Jalen Johnson, he's not a Duke player. He's just not. I don't think that we can count him as a Duke player.

Olympic drug testing will expose golfers with suspicious size increases

The Olympics are coming up around the corner... guess what sport is also in the Olympics and they're starting to do the eligibility for? Golf. So you know, if you see any like discrepancies in people's drive [and] their size compared to their size maybe two years ago... They don't drug test in the PGA. [The IOC tests] are pretty hard.

I will have a visible six-pack by the end of the summer

I'll have a six pack. You will never have a six pack. Yes, I will. All right. Great. How much time? Give me a month. By the end of the summer. Six pack summer. You're going to have a visible six pack? Yes. No chance.

The Washington Capitals are giving off 'team of destiny' vibes

I'm starting to get team of destiny vibes from the Washington capitals because caps back... in America, captain America, I'm starting to get team of destiny vibes and caps back, put a little tickler file on it.

I am officially bringing back the phrase 'Now that's paper'

I gotta start thinking about another phrase. I'm thinking now that's paper. I tried to bring back now that's paper while ago, but it feels, I feel like the times right now. Bet. I like bet.

I am going to blog seven times a week

Probably like seven [blogs a week]. I'm not going to blog about anything unless I seriously have a good opinion on it, and that's something I'll promise you.

I am officially retiring from giving pregame speeches

I gave them [Tony Scheffler's team] a pump up speech before state quarterfinals. And then they lost by like 40. I'm retiring from the pregame speech. We'll stop doing speeches.

The Suez Canal ship will be bombed if it is not fixed within a week

Eventually they're just gonna have to blow it up. Eventually someone's gonna launch a missile at it. Take it apart piece by piece. They're gonna drop a bomb on it if it's not fixed within a week. That's my prediction.

Pardon My Take is in danger because Rex Chapman is starting a sports podcast

My fire fest is we're fucked boys and girls. Pardon My Take is fucked because Rex Chapman is doing his own sports podcast... I don't think that there's any chance that we can compete with Rex just saying like, 'We don't deserve dogs, brah.'

The United States is ending Daylight Savings Time permanently

The United States Senate is passing a bill saying that we're not going to do daylight savings time ever again. So your clocks stay where they are... It looks like we're not going to be changing our clocks this summer. Ever again. Ever again.

I am either going to prison or becoming a billionaire because of Pi Network

Either I'm going to go to jail because this is all illegal, which I don't think it is, or I'm going to make a ton of money. It's speculative value. Either I'm going to go to prison or be a billionaire.

OJ Simpson's son committed the murders, not OJ

I don't think OJ did it. ... I think it was his son. ... I saw a TikTok.

The Chicago Bears can win the NFC North

I am all-in on Graham Mertz and in conjunction with thinking that Wisconsin is going to win the Big Ten West... I made a prediction today the totally won't blow up in my face. And that is that the Chicago Bears can win the NFC North they can.

Mitch Trubisky is going to win 10 games for the Bears this year

I fully believe that Mitch Trubisky is going to win the Bears 10 games. No, he is going to personally win 10 games. I can't wait for Mitch Trubisky screenshot season to come back. He's become a punch line, and you know what? He's about to punch back. Big time.