Takes

Joey Chestnut is pound-for-pound the greatest athlete of all time

I really do think pound for pound [Joey Chestnut] is the greatest athlete of all time. Maybe you could say Secretariat, but I don't. No, I think... Joey Chestnut has won 14 titles now. 14. No one has ever won that many titles at anything.

James Conrad's disc golf shot is the most clutch play in the history of any sport

I actually think that this is the most clutch play ever in the history of any sport. Name me a better shot than this... That shot was awesome.

Fast and Furious is the best movie franchise to watch while stoned

I don't think that there's a franchise of movies that's better to watch stoned in your entirety than Fast and the Furious.

Damian Lillard would not play well with LeBron James

I actually don't think that he [Lillard] would play well with LeBron. I mean, they would just win a title. But it wouldn't be fun for me to watch personally. No, it wouldn't be fun for anyone.

Ben Simmons does not love basketball

I do think Ben Simmons is probably one of those guys who falls in the camp of he's really good at basketball but probably doesn't love basketball. Because you can't love basketball and just never fix the fact that you can't shoot. Right?

F1 cars are too soft and need to be louder.

I think the cars are too loud. [Wait, no] make them a little bit softer or make them just really fucking loud... the cars are too soft. They're basically racing toy cars. It's the pussification of America, of Europe.

Triple plays should replace no-hitters because they are cooler.

Triple plays should replace no-hitters because they're cooler than no-hitters.

Jeffrey Toobin should own his scandal and become 'the jack off guy'

He should have been like, 'Hey guys, listen, I'm a guy. I jerk off.' You know what? You should trust me more because I'm just a regular guy who jerks off and guess what? This is my pledge to you. I will not do it in front of any more cameras. Lean into it. You have to own it at this point. Just become the jack off guy.

Anthony Rizzo's home run made everyone forget about his vaccination status

Anthony Rizzo was under fire on Friday because he didn't get vaccinated. But then he had like one of those 16-pitch at-bats where he had a home run... pretty much all is forgiven. And nobody's going to bring up the vaccination stuff after an at-bat like that.

Mike Vrabel builds teams based solely on player girth and size

I think I've figured out what Mike Vrabel's strategy is here... He's just trying to get the biggest dudes that he can possibly get his hands on. I think that he has the biggest starting 11, just mass-wise. He is Billy Football as a coach. He just wants pounds. And Julio Jones is a massive dude.

Luka Doncic is getting very close to being a dirty player

Luka Doncic is getting very close to being, like, a dirty player... And he already gets people mad at him because he complains about every call. So, like, you can't—then you just become Chris Paul.

Jake Paul would get his ass kicked and wouldn't even be able to land a punch on Canelo Alvarez

It's so funny watching [Canelo] move and the fact that there are real people out there who are like, Jake Paul's a legit boxer. Like, no, no, no. They're completely different athletes... He would never touch him. That's the part. It's not even that Canelo would hurt Jake Paul. Jake Paul wouldn't be able to punch Canelo Alvarez.

Lou Dort is the best on-ball defender in the NBA

He is absolutely the best on-ball defender. He will lock you down. Lou Dort, he's the best. Dort-your-chamber.

James Harden is the best player on the Brooklyn Nets

The Brooklyn Nets this year, they are 36-17. They are 27-7 with James Harden playing, and they are 9-10 without. James Harden is the best player in the Brooklyn Nets.

Billy Football doesn't have the punctuality to be a Navy SEAL

Billy drunkenly tweeted... 'I would trade it all to be a Navy SEAL.' Now... rule number one of being a Navy SEAL is punctuality. And Billy fails at that all the time.

Baseball suffered the most from having no fans in attendance

I'm very excited about baseball season because baseball, I think, was the sport that suffered the most not having fans in attendance. It didn't feel real with nobody in the stands. There's something about going to a baseball game in the middle of the day in the summertime.

Pie is better than cake

One of my hottest takes, well, just facts in the interest of fairness, Pi is better than cake... Apple pie, blueberry pie, peach pie. Those are all better. Cheesecake is even a pie... if you take out ice cream cake, I think that that's easily, that's almost a blowout.

Joe Lunardi is secretly miserable because other people are catching up to his bracketology

I think Joe Lunardi is secretly miserable. Because in 2021, it's the Mel Kiper theory, right? ... Now there's a shitload of people who do draft stuff. I think Joe Lunardi is just constantly looking over his shoulder. Like, there's going to be a kid someday that comes and just nails it every single year. And if I slip up, if I put BYU on the 9 seed and they end up being a 10, it's curtains for me.

The viral video of Cam Newton getting heckled was a PR setup

I'm woke on this Cam Newton clip... It almost feels like that was kind of set up to remind everyone how awesome Cam Newton was. We'll put out a video of Cam getting disrespected so that people are forced to recall how great he is at football. Because you're right. This is the most sympathetic press Cam Newton's got in the last year.

Jordan Spieth is now a likable underdog because he has been so bad

Everyone likes Jordan Spieth because he's been so bad and such a head case for so long that he gets the pity... now he's an underdog despite the fact that he's won millions and millions of dollars playing golf.

Coach K is a quintessential jerk for belittling a student reporter

Coach K was asked the question... by a student reporter from the Duke Chronicle... asking Coach K where do you guys go from here which is a very routine question... and Coach K essentially embarrassed and belittled this kid... How can you defend this, Hank? He's such a jerk. He's a quintessential jerk.

The targeting rule should be changed so the opposing coach chooses between 3 points or an ejection

I actually threw out Mike Greenberg's dumb rules. It should be. If you, if a guy gets called for targeting, the coach gets to decide either give the other team three points or you get to give the other team three points and he can stay in or he's objected. I like that.

Kyrie Irving is the 'basketball Steve Jobs'

I think I've decided to just become a Kyrie guy... what's the harm in going with everything that Kyrie Irving says and believes? I'd rather believe him and have him be wrong than not believe him and have him be right... He thinks he's the basketball Steve Jobs.

The 'Is Die Hard a Christmas movie?' debate is the worst thing ever

My who's back of the week is people asking, is Die Hard a Christmas movie? I saw it start to happen. Fuck. This is the hot dog is a sandwich debate. If anybody asks you this question, they are a police officer. Do not answer them... Please don't do it. I will lose respect for you.

I would fuck up Jake Paul in a fight 100%

I will fuck up Jake Paul 100%. He's small. He's 5'7 at the tallest. I looked at a picture of him next to Dave Portnoy, and they were the exact same height... I have a bigger reach than Jake Paul. I would totally be able to pick him out from the outside.

Northwestern fans need to stop pretending to be a scrappy underdog and act like a good football program.

I just cannot stand Northwestern fans... You can't do the, we're the little engine that could. We're the scrappy underdog. No one cares about Northwestern... Stop pretending like every win is like, oh, my God, we fucking... shock the world and we beat you. You won the Big Ten West two years ago.

You are a pussy if you put a case on your phone

No case gang for life. You're a pussy if you put a case on your phone. No, my phone works... Every time I touch this phone metal on skin baby and every time I drop it, it's adrenaline coursing through my veins... I was no case gang for life.

LeBron James calling DK Metcalf 'Baby Bron' is the lamest thing ever

How come we didn't talk about this earlier? DK? LeBron James posting a story on his Instagram referring to DK Metcalf as baby Bron. Lamest thing ever. This guy's really good. He's baby Bron? I would be so pissed off if I was DK Metcalf.

LeBron James is officially the second-best basketball player of all time

I still think MJ's better but like LeBron is incredible. Yeah, he's won four titles. What can you say? ... He's the second best player of all time. That's really nice honesty.

Erik Spoelstra is the only reason LeBron James won championships in Miami

Spoelstra's a very good coach. Honestly I'm a huge advocate of Spoelstra and he's the only reason that LeBron James ever won those championships in Miami in the first place.

Jimmy Butler is a top-five player in the NBA right now

Jimmy Butler could be top-five player ever ever. I thought I'd play right now. Absolutely.

Bronny James Jr. is better at smoking weed than I am

I would say I would say something like that. Yeah, smoking the nuggets pack. He's better at smoking weed than I am. Oh, he's what, 16 years old? He's great at smoking.

Tesla for Tables: A self-leveling table technology

Tesla for tables... the table itself feels the surface around it and then adjusts so that there's never any wobble... every restaurant I go to has a set of wobbly table. All those tables wobble.

Mystery teams in MLB trade rumors are never actually real

I don't think these mystery teams ever real. Swooping in last-second franchise mode... I guess the mystery team is now the front-runner.

The Jaguars' defensive window closed because they got rid of Blake Bortles

The real story is you have to score points in this league if you want to compete in AFC Championship game and they got rid of the quarterback... everyone was talking about how [the Jaguars] now have two starters left from that 2017 game... none of them mentioned that Blake Bortles also gone.

Kim Jong-un faked his coma to test the loyalty of his inner circle

Kim Jong-un is back from the coma... His sister has now disappeared. So I think that he did a little switch to make sure to see who's loyal to him.

August is the 'Sunday of Summer'

My real who's back to the week is Seasons. Yeah dude, it's August. Yeah... August for me is always like oh, it's Sunday. Oh because back to school. Yeah, you're still in the mode where like I go to the department store with your mom and you see backpacks on sale.

Nobody actually wants a real dad bod

Fuck the people who have made dad bod culture seem cool because I know deep down, no one actually wants dad bods. They want the Zac Efron six pack dad bod... reality is if you have a true dad bod you're just really tired all the time because your metabolism is fucked up and you're overweight.

I am sexually attracted to the 'alpha' energy of Karens in public

I think I'm sexually attracted to Karens. Like I don't care what they're saying or what they're doing... Whenever I see a Karen video gets me going it's like a little bit of that craziness... They exude some kind of like, oh my God, like you just get a look from a Karen and you feel like you did something wrong.

Lacrosse is legitimate tribal warfare

Lacrosse is sick, like everyone is looking at Lacrosse wrong, like Lacrosse is just like legitimately trying Tribal Warfare in the mud... Tribal Warfare is back in form of Lacrosse.

College coaches who claim they don't know what's happening in their programs are lying

Every coach that has ever coached in college basketball or football is the biggest control freak you've ever met. They know everything. They know everything that goes on. Everything that goes on on campus, no matter what.

Complaining is the most authentic part of sports fandom, and appreciation is for when they're gone

When sports come back. I'm going to revert right back to my sports fandom instantly. I will complain about everything instantly. That's what sports fans do. That's when you know it's back, when we can complain. So don't give me this like, hey, man, just appreciate that it's back. No, no, no, no. I'm going to complain. That's what sports fans do.

You cannot eat soup while wearing shorts; it's a fundamental rule

It's either short season or it's soup season. I thought about ordering soup yesterday, and I was like, it's a little too hot out. I'm wearing shorts. There's no overlap there. You can't eat soup while wearing shorts. You just can't. It doesn't go together. You can eat a popsicle.

The lawsuit against Zion Williamson for allegedly receiving money to attend Duke is cloud chasing

Zion Williamson's former marketing agent has served request for admission in their lawsuit, asking him to admit that he received money... She's cloud chasing, yeah.

I am 'Team J' in the Jay Cutler and Kristin Cavallari divorce

I'm team J. I don't know anything, I literally don't know anything, but I'm team J. ... That's my quarterback. Frat bros gotta stick together... I am team J forever and always unless noted he gets arrested for a felony.

Breaking Bad is the best show of all time

I did the same thing that you did with Game of Thrones with Breaking Bad and I'm never really watched that show ever... it's the best show of all time.

Kyrie Irving is a coach killer who got Kenny Atkinson fired

My other whose back is coach killer Kyrie. Oh, so Kenny Atkinson who was many people were saying was one of the better coaches last year took a young group... He got fired yesterday and people are saying it's Kyrie and KD... Kyrie change seventh head coach in nine NBA season Kyrie Irving.

Kevin Ollie is the worst coach to ever win a National Championship

I assume Kevin Ollie's still looking for a job somewhere worst coach ever to win a National Title.

1917 was a better movie than Parasite

I did like 1917 more, but Parasite was just as good. Like it was one of those—let the record show, 1917 was better.

Bryson DeChambeau worries too much about angles and should just play golf

He does like the compass and the he does like all the math behind his shots. Just go out and shoot the ball, dude, maybe if you stop thinking about it, you'd be like Brooks [Koepka] and wind shit... You worry too much about angles buddy.