Takes

Billionaires should pay for their own stadiums

It's unpopular to say it, but I think that billionaires should pay for their own fucking stadiums too, Bill [Simmons].

Lonzo Ball's Summer League introduction was the sixth most popular post in NBA Instagram history

The NBA made a press release today saying that of all the posts that the league has ever put on Instagram... that Lonzo being introduced at Summer League, when they put that up on IG... That's the sixth most popular thing they've ever put up.

Mike Gundy's mullet should be considered an NCAA recruiting violation

I actually threw out the idea that [Mike Gundy's] mullet might now become a recruiting violation because who wouldn't want to play for him?

Curling is chess on ice and is a perfect mix of brain and brawn

It's chess on ice. It's a perfect mix of brain and brawn, and yeah, it's fantastic. The sweeping is incredibly taxing.

Michael Jordan is better than LeBron James

[Gun to your head] I mean, you go with MJ.

LeBron James' career is an incredible feat given the spotlight he has faced since age 18

For what [LeBron]'s had to handle from such a young age... to have the entire world spotlight on you, expecting you to be great, and to go out there and to live up to all the hype that people have put on you. And also have a clean record off the court... that's incredible.

I've eaten bigger burritos than Ray Rice

I've eaten bigger burritos than him. I mean, obviously, the real one is supposed to say I'm taking it. But that one was thought of ahead of time, but it turned out good.

Success is not owned, it's leased, and rent is due every day

Its success is not owned its least and rent is due every day. And that's what I said... I've never once said that that was my quote. I've said before that it's not my quote. But people always give that to me.

You can't be one of the best players on a team if you only played three games

I think last year, yeah, I would not – I mean, you only played three games. You can't be one of the best players on the team if you only played three games.

I will never publicly put out statistical goals again

Never put numbers out anymore because then all people do is bring up those numbers and they don't actually watch. I did that one year... and for the rest of that next season and beyond, everybody's like, well, he didn't hit it. And everybody compares you to that.

Conor McGregor is winning the press conferences but will lose the fight to Mayweather

If [McGregor] does go and get his ass kicked, which I think a lot of people probably lean that way... this is definitely a situation where he's winning the press conference and will most likely lose the fight.

99% of office meetings could be solved with a text thread

I would say that 99% of meetings in general could just be solved with a text thread.

Aaron Judge will eventually move to first base to save his career

Eventually he'll probably want to because you know your knees and your feet will get worn down over a long season... eventually he'll want to move to first base because it will save his career a little bit.

The MLB should determine World Series home field by interleague play record

What they should do is whichever AL NL, whoever has a better record in interleague play. Boom. Problem solved. There's a little National League versus American League pride now.

Laying on the bathroom floor is the greatest feeling when you have the spins

This is actually more for when you have the spins, but it still is the greatest thing in the world. Just laying down on the bathroom floor... There's actually no better feeling in the world. It's great. When you're hot, when you're drunk, when you have the spins.

Catchers and calling the game are more important than hitting or throwing

Number one is catching and calling a game no matter what. You have to be able to call a game, know the right pitch, know your pitching staff, know when to call and what to call at certain times... throwing would have to be last, and probably hitting and then throwing is last.

Summer is the best time for Kenny Chesney

My cool throne is Kenny Chesney. When it's hot like this, it's summertime, it's the best time for Kenny Chesney. So he's got a solid two months where you can play Kenny Chesney pretty much at any place, and it will work.

70% of people make a right-hand turn when they walk into a mall

i'm just i'm just a fucking nutcase guys i mean i pick apart and study and you know everything like 70 of people that walk into a mall make a right hand turn now that bothers the shit out of me and because it's true

Adding a second staircase to elevated bar levels significantly increases social interaction

I used to build elevated levels in bar and restaurants like everyone else with a staircase... you feel like a freaking idiot. You've got to turn around, walk back the other way. You're busted... So I simply put a second staircase in on the other side... social interaction went up big time. I'm guessing there are people that are married to this very day because of that freaking staircase.

Zing Zang is the only acceptable Bloody Mary mix

The things I hate the most about bars, number one, when they make their own Bloody Mary mix instead of using Zing Zang. Because Zing Zang... It's the perfected Bloody Mary mix. There's no topping it. It's perfect all around.

Befriend your TA instead of your professor to get better grades in college

You got to befriend your TA because that's the guy who's going to be reading everything. That's the guy who's going to be doing your grade. That's the guy or girl who is going to be deciding your fate. So forget the professor. Go find the TA.

The best way to enjoy a lake is to float in the middle with a life jacket and five beers

I like to just put on a life jacket and just sit in the middle of the lake and just drink beers, drink like five beers while I pee and just do nothing else. So you just sit there. It's great. You get all your friends just sitting there doing nothing.

Nick Saban's resting heart rate is just 'angry'

Nick Saban, because Nick Saban, he's like a volcano that only erupts every now and then. But when it does, and Nick Saban, you get the added bonus where he yells at his coaches... His resting heart rate is angry.

The Jaguars will never have the #1 overall pick in franchise history because they aren't even good at being bad

They've never, ever been the worst team in the league by record... If they get only two wins, there's a good chance they'll have the number one overall pick, which will be the first time in Jaguars history that they have the number one overall pick.

The 2017 Cubs are fine and will win the NL Central

The Cubs are fine until they finish 81-81 and probably win the Central. I have decided I'm going to keep telling myself the Cubs are fine.

If you stay in a bar that is uncomfortably hot, you are a crazy person

If you go into a bar that is hot and you don't leave immediately, you're a crazy person. I will absolutely call a night like, alright, night's over if I walk into a bar and it is uncomfortably hot in there.

Lincoln Riley is the right character and guy to lead Oklahoma forward

Lincoln's the right guy. He's got all the right attributes and character to be the guy to continue to lead the program forward. And I knew that. And I believed strongly that the administration would believe that as well. And so it could be as seamless as could be.

Putting your airplane seat up during landing is useless

Why the fuck do I have to put my seat up when I'm landing in an airplane? What the fuck is going on? What the fuck's going to happen if my seat doesn't go up? It's like one of those seats that creeped back even without me pressing the button... the woman asked me like four times to put my seat up.

Wikipedia is the greatest website of all time

My number one is Wikipedia. The best website of all time. I don't think I even need to explain it. We have a Wikipedia club.

Luke Kennard will be drafted by the Pistons at pick 12

I don't think [Luke Kennard] gets past Detroit at 12.

Women carry up to two liters of extra blood during their periods

It's actually a fact. Women during their periods are carrying up to two liters more blood than the average human.

High school football is officially back in June because grad parties are over

High school football is back. Grad parties are over. Coaches are distributing helmets and shoulder pads. It's June. Mini camps in full effect.

Madison Square Garden is the best place to play in the NBA

My number one pick, my favorite city always to visit is New York. The Garden is one of the most fun places to play. Just the energy, even when they're not as good or even if they have more hype. It's always a good crowd, great city.

Indianapolis is a top-tier walkable and 'scootable' sports city

I have never had a bad time in the city of Indianapolis. It's a very walkable city... I hate DUIs even more [than walking]. It's a very scootable city. If you have a scooter, it's easy to get around.

Number 56 makes a defensive end look the fastest on the field

I believe as a 32-year-old white defensive end, I would decide on picking the number that made me look the fastest. [Number 56].

Freshman should always get a roommate instead of a single

Got to get a roommate. The guy who gets the single, he's immediately judged like, oh, you're better than us. And it becomes a party room. You're a freak. The guy who has a single room, there's always questions. Freshman year, just get a roommate, deal with it.

Michael Jordan is the GOAT

Michael Jordan. The GOAT.

The 'full sock overhaul' is a life-changing hack where you throw out all socks and buy 60 identical pairs

I did this a couple years ago. It changed my entire life... I called it a full sock overhaul. And I threw out all my socks, and I went and I bought the exact same pair of socks. I bought like 60 of them. So that way you can never actually lose one.

Draymond Green is an all-time classic heel

I'm a big fan of [Draymond Green]... all-time classic heel. He had a shirt that said Quickie in the Quicken Loans font... I need this feud, though, to keep going... because I think Draymond clearly gets under LeBron's skin.

LeBron James is still the best player in the NBA

I just want it on the record that I do still think LeBron is the best player in the NBA, but what Kevin Durant did in the finals was fantastic.

Winning back-to-back Stanley Cups is basically cheating

I didn't know you could win back-to-back Stanley Cups, so that's kind of cheating in my mind. I hate the Blackhawks. We never knew that those rules existed.

The Lombardi Trophy is the toughest trophy in sports to win

My number one is the Lombardi, actually. Toughest trophy in all sports to get.

The NCAA basketball championship plaque looks like an employee of the month award

I had three that plaque they give the NCAA basketball champion, which just looks like employee of the month plaque. Like J.D. Power Associates giving Audi their award for best foreign car.

The 2017 Yankees are fully back

The Yankees are fully back. Pinstripes for everyone. Aaron Judge hit three home runs on Sunday. His 21st of the year. Also the longest home run of the year... They have the best run differential in the league.

The Ray Allen Game 6 shot in 2013 was the worst loss of my entire life

That Ray Allen shot and that loss was the worst loss in my entire life, easily... It was over. We won the championship. And then, bam, we missed free throws. They get offensive rebounds. They hit a couple threes, ending with that Ray Allen one. And we lost the game, and it was, like, just so crushing.

The Spurs were like the Blues Brothers on a mission from God in 2014

We were like the Blues Brothers on a mission from God that next season to get back to the finals and make right by that loss. And so once we got to the finals and matched up with Miami again, the rest was history.

Winning the Belmont Stakes is less valuable to horse breeders than winning the Derby or Preakness

The mile and a half distance of the Belmont Stakes is such a rarity in American racing that winning the Belmont doesn't mean nearly as much to breeders if you're going to retire to stud than winning the Kentucky Derby or the Preakness. You've got a grand total of one grade one stakes in America running a mile and a half on dirt, and that's the Belmont.

Irish War Cry is the logical favorite to beat in the Belmont Stakes

If [Irish War Cry] runs his best race, he's a daylight winner. You can't say that about any of the other horses in the race. So even though he's the favorite, I think he's the horse to beat.

LeBron James signs short contracts to force team management to stay aggressive

I don't think it's an accident he keeps signing these shorter contracts. He's not... LeBron James free agency not signing a five-year contract for a reason. I think he likes keeping his options open... The problem is [with long contracts] your team has no motivation to do anything for you. Plus all the money is locked up. They don't go bring anyone else in.

I am not officially retired from the NFL yet

No, what I'm doing right now is I'm taking time and figuring out what I want to do. Because I want to be 100% sure of the decision that I make. And I'm in no rush to do that. I'm not retired. And I'm not retired right now, and I'm not saying I'm going to retire. It's just one of those things where everything is still up in the air.