Takes

NFL punts into the end zone should be worth two points if the punter weighs over 300 pounds

If you should have a guy who's over 300 pounds punting the ball and if they can punt it into the end zone, it's worth two points no matter where you are on the field.

Adam Thielen is better than Calvin Johnson

Adam Thielen's better than Calvin Johnson. True. Fact. His best record just got broken by Adam Thielen, bro.

I will box Darren Rovell with my left hand tied behind my back

I will tie my left hand behind my back, and I will box [Darren Rovell]. So there you go, Rovell. You want to challenge it to a decathlon that I'm never going to fucking do? There it is. We will box, and I will box you with just my right hand.

If you had vaccinations, your genitalia wouldn't look like cauliflower

In terms you can understand [Reggie Bush], if Kim Kardashian had gotten the Gardasil vaccine, then your dick wouldn't look like a cauliflower.

Aaron Rodgers might throw the rest of the season to get Mike McCarthy fired

I wouldn't be shocked if Aaron Rodgers throws the rest of the year. [He wants McCarthy to get fired]. He's sick of him.

No one will own cars in 15 years because of automation

He [CEO of Mercedes-Benz] says in 15 years that we're not going to own cars anymore. They're all going to be electric vehicles... The vehicle will pull up in front of your house... those changes are going to change the entire world. [Auto insurance and repair industries will disappear].

Duke could beat the Cleveland Cavaliers

Zion Williamson, R.J. Barrett, Alex O'Connell. It's the big three, and Paul Pierce told them they could beat the Cavs, and they could. Dukes, yeah.

I could knock out Floyd Mayweather in a punch-for-punch contest with training

We flip a coin, and you get to punch the other person. No hands up, no movement, no anything. And I would knock him out before he knocked me out... I need at least three months to train my neck.

NASA is inventing stories about aliens to secure funding against Space Force

This goes back to my theory that NASA is just inventing cool shit to talk about so they can continue their funding because right now they're going up against Space Force. But I would assume that, like, this would be something that Space Force would really get a lot of money thrown into their coffers for. If you think that there's aliens that are actually checking us out.

There is a coordinated plot to destroy the game of football

I don't think there's any question there is [a plot]. When you think about... how many sports do you know where there's legislation to try to ban a particular sport, tackle football? Do you know of any other sport?

Space Jam 2 is a fake movie used by LeBron to launder money to potential free agents

Couldnt you just offer [a superstar] a role in Space Jam 2 and through your production company pay him, I don't know, $30 million a year? Kevin Durant takes the veteran minimum on the books and... Now, I took it a step further than that because this movie has been delayed and delayed... I'm not sure that it's a real movie. ... He's got a fake movie. Follow the checks. Follow the money.

LeBron James is suffering from alcohol withdrawal after drinking two bottles of wine

LeBron, this is a symptom of alcohol withdrawal... He had at least two bottles of wine, to himself, split maybe with a couple glasses to his three-year-old kid or whatever... that would put his blood alcohol content at above the legal limit... which means the next day he was going through symptoms of alcohol withdrawal, which is maybe why they lost.

The Cleveland Cavaliers should hire J.R. Smith as a player-coach

I am in full support of player coach J.R. Smith. J.R. Smith, player coach. Get it trending. Do it. Petty War. NBA Twitter, you got this.

I will cut off the tip of my pinky if the Texans win the Super Bowl

No, they're not going to win the Super Bowl. Guaranteed. I'll cut off a pinky... I'll cut off half a pinky. Nope. I'm going to cut off the top of my nub... I'm going to cut off the nail up if the Texans win.

The Jimmy Butler trade to the Rockets should cost at least seven first-round picks

I think it's got to be worth at least seven [first-round picks].

Tommy Lasorda will die if the Red Sox win the World Series

I'm still going with Tommy [Lasorda]. He's going to die if the Red Sox win.

Larry Fitzgerald is holding the Cardinals back and should retire

I think Larry Fitzgerald is holding the Cardinals back by not retiring. He's the captain, and he's taking shine away from his rookie QB... He's doing the saddest retirement tour.

Ancestry.com is a data-collection scheme to map the population for future control

That stupid fucking Ancestry.com... These fucking people, you're sending your DNA into the internet? Are you out of your fucking mind? And now they find all they need is 3 million people to do it. They can map out everybody... There's no fucking way they're not talking about it and trying to come up with solutions [for population control].

I possess the only existing copy of the Spygate video

The biggest story I ever had was the Spygate video... They destroyed what they thought was everything, and then I have the one remaining one. We aired it on Fox. It was my second week in studio at Fox... I have the only copy in existence.

LeBron James should go to jail for giving his kids wine

Hot take, LeBron James should definitely go to jail, and this is the worst parenting move of all time, and I cannot believe that he is poisoning his children. I'm disgusted. I deleted my screensaver of LeBron James in a Lakers uniform, and I'll probably never watch NBA again.

PMT is 99% responsible for my second half performance

[What percentage of credit for my performance in the second half?] Like 99% probably.

Mitch Trubisky is the best quarterback in the NFL

The order was – Mitch Trubisky is the best quarterback probably in the NFL. Order was restored to how it should be.

Aaron Rodgers is a system quarterback

Aaron Rodgers, uncoachable. I mean, look at his track record with backup quarterbacks. Aaron Rodgers is a system quarterback. Yes, exactly.

Le'Veon Bell should fake a concussion test to get out of playing

He could probably do it. Also, he could just go and get concussed. That's true. That would probably be the easiest thing to do is just fake screwing up your concussion test. Right. Count backwards from seven and just count backwards from two every time.

Jay Cutler will return to the NFL to play for the 49ers

I know some people who know some people who know some people... heard Jay Cutler is going to be back for the San Francisco 49ers... I think Jay Cutler is going to be great in the San Francisco 49ers.

Injured players secretly hope their team loses so their importance is validated

I don't think you'd be human if there wasn't a part of you that was like, I hope that we lose... it's the competitive nature in you. I know you're obviously rooting for your teammates. You want them to win, but there's a part of you that always wants to be part of the winning team.

Arkansas was the better team despite losing 34-3 to Auburn

The 34-3 score was not indicative of how well the Razorbacks played. Special teams played dictated that score. So the better team didn't win... 34-3. Arkansas outplayed them. Except for the score.

Patrick Mahomes will win MVP and be inducted into the Hall of Fame in his rookie year

I think he's going to be the first player ever in his rookie year to win MVP and automatic induction to the Hall of Fame.

Jon Gruden is intentionally sabotaging the Raiders to get back at Al Davis

I think this might be intentional... he had like a feud with Al Davis and whispered in his ear on Al's deathbed: 'Listen to me, you son of a bitch. I'm going to come back, and I'm going to wreck your franchise.'

Bears vs. Seahawks is the most important game in franchise history

I think the Bears, as I said, not me overreacting to the loss against the Packers. I called it the most important game in franchise history. And as such, I think they will win.

Nick Saban is an underachiever because he only wins a title every other year

Nick Saban's an underachiever... with this in mind, five national titles really does not seem like enough in an 11-year period. If Saban were as good at being a head coach as he is at recruiting, Alabama would have won the national title on a yearly basis. But he isn't.

Sam Darnold will definitely be a Hall of Famer

I feel like this is a long time coming, and I'm sure Sam Darnold will be a Hall of Famer.

George W. Bush was likely on steroids for his 9/11 first pitch

Greatest first pitch of all time... How come nobody's ever asked? Was George Bush on steroids? It was the height of the steroid era. Did W take PED? ... why wouldn't you rub a little bit of cream on your arm? Absolutely. Put some clear underneath your tongue.

I will get a Patrick Mahomes tattoo if Big Cat eats horse poop

I'm going to get a Patrick Mahomes tattoo. You want to bet? You have to eat horse poop if I get a Mahomes tattoo?

I am not a Patrick Mahomes guy

I want to be on the record that I am not a Mahomes guy. Okay. Put me on the record. Put me in the history books.

Alex Jones would be a decent NFL defensive coordinator

I actually think Alex Jones would be a decent NFL defensive coordinator if you gave him just like two years in a dark room with some playbooks. Just showed him the basic concepts and let him just motivate the guys. He's like if Jim Tomsula took LSD at a very young age.

The Browns are going to win the Super Bowl

I don't know if I am just still feeling the high of a Liev Schreiber narrated slow-mo. But I think the Browns are going to win the Super Bowl.

If you don't like mayonnaise, you are probably homophobic and misogynistic

If you don't like mayo, you're actually, well, and also, you're probably kind of homophobic and a little misogynistic. Because you're just like, your masculinity is threatened by having this creamy, delicious spread just down your throat.

Tom Brady shipped Jimmy Garoppolo to San Francisco because he was a Republican

I think he shipped Jimmy Garoppolo out to San Francisco because Jimmy G was a Republican. And he didn't like having a Republican as his teammate. So he's like, I'm going to send you out to hang out with all the libs out in San Francisco.

Aaron Rodgers has not won a Super Bowl because of the eight-year statute of limitations

Aaron Rodgers hasn't won a Super Bowl. He won it too early in his career for it to count for people to remember. I actually agree with that take. I think that there's like an eight-year statute of limitations where I get to forget about your Super Bowl.

Australia does not exist

Australia doesn't exist. Australia is not a real place... Australia was invented by the British because it was like a penal colony... airline pilots are all in on it, too... when you fly people on vacation to Australia, you just take them down to Chile, and they never know the difference.

Trevor Bauer is the dumbest player in Major League Baseball

What it basically amounts to is Trevor Bauer is the dumbest player in Major League Baseball, possibly sports... Trevor Bauer got spooked by a fake tweet in 2011 that Obama was going to take his fighting necklaces and confiscate them.

The Cleveland Browns are going to win the AFC North

I'm just going to lean into my own stupidity and say I think the Browns are going to win the division. I'm with Hank now.

The NFL is dead because of the new preseason penalty rules

Today is Monday, August 20th, and the NFL's dead. Yeah, it's absolutely, there's no reason to watch the games this year, because everything's a flag. Yep, preseason football has shown us. We're not overreacting, guys. I saw a couple clips on Twitter. It's over.

Nick Saban stays on top because he has a factory where he personally shits out new players

I think Nick Saban personally shits players out. Because he chews them out in practice, and then he digests them for a while, and he takes a crap, and boom, I got a linebacker. ... I'd be like, yes, Nick Saban has a factory where he shits players out.

Millennials are killing breasts because they are desensitized by the internet

Millennials are killing boobs. So boobs are on the hot seat. ... Hooters is going through some down times. ... It's actually just because millennials aren't going to the restaurants anymore because they don't like boobs. ... By the time you're 18, you're like a seasoned veteran.

Salt water in the ocean is created by fish semen

It's brackish because that's where all the fish come. So when a fish jizzes... all that jizz has to go somewhere, and it just goes in the water and makes salt water.

Brooks Koepka is better than Tiger Woods was at his peak

Kepka is better than Tiger Woods was at his peak, right? He's bombing his driver. Tiger at his peak... No, I just think he's underappreciated. All he does is win majors.

Breaking up with a long-term girlfriend for a year to 'experience things' will definitely result in getting back together

Or just tell her that you joined the military and then just leave town. Yeah, for three years. Write a couple postcards. Come back. If she cheated on you, she's a scumbag. Yeah, that's actually a very good way to tell how serious she is about this relationship. Make up a deployment.

Millennials are killing drivers by not getting enough DUIs

Technically, by not getting DUIs, millennials are actually killing more drivers. Because the roads are worse now. Because your [DUI] tickets aren't going to fund the renovations.