Takes

I grew three inches taller because I prayed every night and drank massive amounts of milk

I continued into the high school... the proof being that nobody in my family is over six foot. My brother, John, and my dad are the second tallest Harbaughs. It's right at six foot. I got to six three. There you go... I prayed a lot about it too and drank milk. What do babies drink when they come out of the womb? Milk. That's healthy stuff on earth.

Men's scrimmage teams beat the UConn women's team every day

They beat our ass every day... These guys will all be like college players, like Division III, Division II. And they end up coming to school for whatever reason. They came to Connecticut. These guys are good players. So now, anytime it's a test of physical prowess, of course they're going to win. Of course they're going to win. I mean, that's a no-brainer.

The first three Christmas Day NBA unders will always win

I bet the first three Christmas Day unders every single year, and I think it's won every single year for like 15 years. The only year it didn't win was the lockout year when the first game of the season was Christmas Day. And it's basically because everyone's full... And they wear those stupid jerseys... Take the Christmas Day Unders first three.

Apple purposefully slows down old iPhones when new ones are released

Apple has come out and admitted that they slow down your old iPhones when they release a new one. Yeah, we predicted that like two months ago once my phone started to suck. We all knew this was the case, so fuck you, Steve Jobs... You fucking slow down our phones?

The 2012-13 Lakers with Steve Nash and Dwight Howard was the most stacked team of all time on paper

That team, though, the Steve Nash, Dwight Howard team, that's my favorite Lakers team of all time... When that cover came out, it was like, who the fuck would beat the Lakers? ... When that happened, I was like, oh, my God. This is the most stacked team of all time.

The Jaguars defense is the best in the NFL

That defense is probably the best defense in the NFL. Like, no joke. It's them, it's the Vikings, and then there's a pretty big drop-off after that.

If the Panthers sell for less than $1.4 billion, the NFL has cause for concern

I think the Bills were the last team that sold and they went for 1-4. So if you get south of 1-4, I think there's cause for concern. But if it's less than a billion, then it's like, holy shit.

The city of Buffalo gets more snow on Sundays than any other US city

I'm not a meteorologist, but I'm sure that it's going to snow on Sunday up in Buffalo. That city, and I have no facts to back this up, but the city of Buffalo gets more snow on Sundays than any other city in America.

I have a valid Hall of Fame case when combining my NFL and CFL stats

As much as I think when you combine my entire career and you really bring in the CFL statistics as well... you can look at Troy Aikman's stats and you can look at my stats. And they're very similar. But Troy has three Super Bowl titles.

Vince McMahon hates sneezing because he can't control it

He doesn't like sneezing in the same room... I think he doesn't like sneezing because he perceives it to be unsanitary and it's not something that he can control as much as he would like. And so he's not a sneezer and you don't need to be a sneezer in his presence either.

LeBron James could never be a NASCAR driver because he is too tall

It'd never happen. Why? Because he couldn't even fit in the damn car. 5'11" is the perfect height. The tallest ever has been like 6'5". That's kind of max for the cars the way they're built.

Apple intentionally ruins old iPhones via software updates to force users to upgrade

Apple, every single time they release a new iPhone, they do something with the software and they make all of our old iPhones suck. It's fucked up. They just screw up the IOS and they make it drain your battery allegedly... theoretically I'm very woke to this.

My ass is the power source for everything on the football field

Everything comes from your glute, you know, your ass, your ass is your power source for everything. You gotta be a big butt guy. And so, you know, when you get that glute firing and you get everything where you're working it through that, it puts less stress on things.

Coleslaw is both a salad and a liquid that keeps you hydrated

Coleslaw is the rare food that is both a salad and a liquid at the same time. So if you eat enough coleslaw, you stay hydrated.

Sam Ponder's tweets are the legal definition of 'interference with contractual relations'

There is a doctrine in the law called interference with contractual relations. Knowing that you are about to enter into some kind of a business relationship with a third party... if someone attempts to have that contract stopped. That is the very definition of this case, of that tort.

The Giants have officially quit on the season

The Giants have officially quit. That team does not give a fuck. No. And they're doing the old, like, no one wants to tackle anyone. They're basically playing, the rest of the season for the Giants is basically the Pro Bowl for them.

Since appearing on Pardon My Take, Jared Goff has the best stats of any NFL quarterback

I'm just going to say this. Since appearing on Pardon My Take, Jared Goff has the best stats of any NFL quarterback. Are we QB Whisperers?

Targeting fouls in college football are up 40% this year and it is hurting the game

The rule makers have to be concerned when they look at the fact that the number of fouls for targeting are up 40% this year. I mean, that's a big number. That's a big number that leads to longer games and really more questionable decisions.

Leaks in the White House have decreased since I was fired

We fired or resigned or got rid of four of the major, major leakers. So of course the leaks are down. Right. And if there are leaks now, because there's always leaks in the administration, there are more constructive leaks, there are more trial balloon leaks.

Bobby Valentine invented the wrap sandwich

He says he did. 100%. That was at Bobby V Sports 1977, 1978. 100% he came up with that thing... Bobby V 1000% invented the wrap.

Bill Belichick spearheaded the Jimmy Garoppolo trade and wasn't forced into it by Robert Kraft

What I was told was that this is definitely Belichick running the show here... this was a trade that Belichick took on himself... I think it is really Belichick kind of spearheading it.

Men's college basketball is more physical than the NBA

Every NBA coach will tell you that men's college basketball is more physical than the NBA... they still let you beat the shit out of each other instead of calling the fouls that they call in the NBA.

I would coach the New York Knicks

[Big Cat]: The New York Knicks... would you coach them? [Geno]: Sure. I love New York.

The 2017 World Series baseballs are 100% juiced

There is zero chance these balls have not been altered. You got guys talking about it. The guys who rub these things up are telling you they feel different. They look different... You can't even get ink to set in these things because they're cue balls, bro.

Razors in Halloween candy is a total myth

That's fake news. That never happens. You hear it every year, and you're like, parents, be careful... That's not true. There's nobody out there that's ever done the razor trick, in my opinion.

Koalas mostly have chlamydia and can transmit it through their urine

You know that koalas have chlamydia? Most of them have chlamydia, and if they pee on you, they'll give you chlamydia.

It is safer to be shot without a shirt on to avoid getting clothing fibers in the wound

I think it [a bullet] would pass through you cleaner. Because if you're wearing a shirt, you get the shirt fibers inside your body.

The Illuminati and reptilians use money to hypnotize and control the American mind

The Illuminati slash reptilians run the Federal Reserve... they hypnotize everybody in America using money. So if you have money in your pocket, it's actually a tool of hypnosis. And they control that money and they make it hypnotize you.

Drinking alcohol makes you smarter by killing your weakest brain cells first

when you drink enough, it actually kills brain cells. That's a fact... If you kill brain cells, it's targeting the smaller, weaker brain cells first. Like a buffalo herd, and if you get rid of the weak ones, then it makes your brain function more efficiently.

Neil Armstrong spelled backwards is 'Alien'

Neil Armstrong. First person walking the moon, right?... Neil A. Spelled backwards. Alien.

Pardon My Take broke the news that the Sixers' first pick would be injured before the draft even happened

I think we reported this news first. We broke this news the day before the NBA draft saying that the Philadelphia 76ers' first pick was going to be injured at some point this season. Credit to us. First reported by [Pardon My Take].

The FBI is investigating Duke basketball

I've heard that the FBI is snooping around, sniffing around Duke.

Players are statistically less likely to get a concussion without a helmet

I think you're actually statistically less likely to get a concussion when you're not wearing a helmet. Agree, because you protect your head more. That's basically that's a basic fact of human reaction to things.

Mark Ingram has officially won the lead role in the Saints backfield over Adrian Peterson

Mark Ingram... he won the battle of who's going to be the bigger head on the two-headed running back committee in New Orleans... Adrian Peterson is out in Arizona.

Alex Smith is playing at an MVP level this season

Alex Smith is playing MVP-type football right now. ... you go down the line and they have stars everywhere.

I will never come out of retirement, no matter the offer

No amount of money will make me move from retirement... Physically nothing is wrong with me. I've been playing football for 20 years. I think it was time for me to give it a break and give it a rest.

I am still faster than Tom Brady in a foot race

[You once said that you were faster than Tom Brady. Is that still true?] Oh, yeah, of course. [Foot race, no question?] Yes, no question. [Is he that slow, or are you that fast?] No, I'm that fast.

Flushing the toilet while someone is showering can cause them to 'shower in poop'

Hank brings up a good point. It messes up the pipes. The poop gets in the pipes... You're going to be showering in your own poop, yeah. I don't want it to be fresh.

Robot umpires would fundamentally change how catchers play defense

If you had the robot umpire and you now have a guy on first base, catchers have to worry about trying to frame the pitch before they throw out the runner. Now, if you had robot umpires and framing the pitch had no consequence... the catcher would just be in a position purely just to throw out the runner. You're changing the game.

The Bears would have won the Super Bowl if Jay Cutler hadn't been injured in the 2010 NFC Championship

I wish when we were there, when we went to NFC Championship and we lost... Would have won a Super Bowl if Jay [Cutler] didn't hurt his knee. Fact.

The FBI investigation caught coaches off guard because they thought they were only breaking NCAA rules

I guarantee none of these coaches realized they were breaking actual laws. They thought they were just dealing in the fantasy land of NCAA fake rules. ... They'd lose a scholarship. I guarantee all these guys that are arrested are like, what the fuck? This is a real law?

The Louisville scandal is brazen because it happened one month after they were put on probation

The part that really affects Louisville is basically an Adidas guy met with a Louisville assistant coach... one month after Louisville had agreed to their probation with the NCAA. One month later, they have him on tape in a hotel meeting with Adidas and saying he needs $100,000 to get a player to Louisville.

Coach K cheated in the 2015 National Championship game by pressuring referees at halftime

In the 2015 National Championship game against Wisconsin, Wisconsin was dominating the game, and at halftime, Coach K went and talked to the refs, and they called 13 fouls against Wisconsin in the second half, even though they averaged 12 fouls a game, so he obviously was cheating.

I would take a catch challenge against any mortal because my hands are still elite

My hands are still very, very good. I'm willing to get in any type of catch challenge with any mortal.

OKC Thunder are the first ever 'World Super Team' due to Olympic medals

I think that Oklahoma City Thunder will be the team with the most Olympic gold medals now. So that's pretty big. I mean, that's tough. Super team. A world super team. First ever world super team.

Tom Brady is right that drinking water prevents sunburns because fish never get sunburned

Tom Brady has actually – he's the scientist who has found the nourishing effects of water. Well, I'd like to point out that I've never seen a sunburned fish in my life, and they are just surrounded by water all the time.

Mormon soaking is a real practice where couples stay still to avoid technically having sex

The soak is you're not allowed to have sex before you get married... You are allowed to soak. What does that mean? You just put it in. Don't move. Just lay there. You soak it. Just put it in... with no friction.

Tony Romo is driving NFL ratings down by spoiling the games

I think he's driving the ratings down because you're not going to go... People turn off the TV right as he says [the play]. They know what's going to happen. It's like right when Napster came out, people stopped going to the record store and buying CDs. Why would you buy the cow if you can get the milk for free from Tony?

No fat football coach has ever won the Super Bowl

It is scientific fact. No fat football coach has ever won the Super Bowl. Think about it. Parcells was skinnier. John Madden was a lot skinnier. Every football guy gets fatter after they retire... Parcells was actually kind of in football guy shape. I'm saying no fat coach. That's why Andy Reid's probably losing all this weight because he's like, fuck, I got to get in shape.

Jerry Jones is intentionally stalling Roger Goodell's contract to force him out by 2019

And there are some who think that what he's really trying to do is drive such a hard bargain with Roger Goodell that Goodell just eventually says, screw it, I'm out of here when my contract expires in 2019.