Takes

Ryan Switzer is a 'swaggy' player to watch out for

I like that little [Ryan] Switzer guy. He's swaggy out there. Beasley, he's been balling for a few years now, and he's created his niche.

My ass is the power source for everything on the football field

Everything comes from your glute, you know, your ass, your ass is your power source for everything. You gotta be a big butt guy. And so, you know, when you get that glute firing and you get everything where you're working it through that, it puts less stress on things.

Blogging is just as hard of a sport as playing professional football

I think blogging is just as hard of a sport as football. My brain is mush. There's going to be a class action lawsuit of all the bloggers in 30 years because we've all just been playing with a concussion for the last decade.

Rob Gronkowski is a genius who is very calculated about his public persona

Gronk's really good with numbers, and I'm not lying... He can remember, like, plays and, like, or, like, where guys are drafted, this, that... Gronk's real calculated with with with his whole persona man. He knows that he's just the Gronk and like he can play it out and he knows when to play it out and all that stuff.

Jimmy Garoppolo is a heartthrob, Tom Brady is handsome, and Danny Amendola is hot

Jimmy G's like heartthrob. I'd say Tom [Brady]'s like handsome. [Danny] Amendola's like hot.

Pizza Hut is a better pizza chain than Papa John's

Papa John's or Pizza Hut, what's better? Pizza Hut. Pizza Hut buffet is actually the answer. Fun fact.

Old Coldplay is great, but new Coldplay sucks

Old Coldplay, not new Coldplay. New Coldplay sucks. Old Coldplay fucking [is great].

Men are the persecuted gender because male animals have to bear the burden of looking attractive in nature

Add up all the animals in the world, and we actually are the persecuted animals. Yes. We're the persecuted gender. The male.

Farting is exclusively a male activity and women are not allowed to participate in 'fart culture'

That's not funny. It's not funny. It's kind of like some words some people can use, some words other people can't use... that's kind of what farts are like. That's not your word. We're allowed to fart. We're guys. We come from fart culture. You can't use it. It's ours. We own farts.

The Saints' running game is elite (and Buffalo's defense stinks)

In terms of rushing touchdowns, the Saints had a six-pack, or as they call it in Buffalo, an amuse-bouche... It was a bumpy, bumpy, red, infected day for the big Bills D.

Case Keenum is actually a pretty good quarterback

Case Keenum is pretty good. I'm feeling it... Vikings are kind of fly... Don't blink 182 now, but the Vikings are 7-2.

Week 10 gave us clarity on who the actual good teams are in the NFL

I have one word for you for Week 10. You ready for it? Clarity. We actually know who's good now... it's basically the Vikings, the Rams, the Eagles [and] the Saints.

Rex Burkhead is a rich man's Danny Woodhead

I liked what Bill Belichick was doing with Rex Burkhead tonight... he's a poor man's Danny Woodhead, which technically makes him a rich man's Danny Woodhead, if that makes any sense at all.

The Jaguars and Rams are both going to the playoffs and I want to go to both games

The Jaguars and the Rams are, knock on wood, both going to go to the playoffs. And I'm hoping they play a Saturday and a Sunday... so we go to both games... The Rams are a legitimately good team... The Jags' defense is unbelievable.

I would still rather have Myles Garrett over Deshaun Watson

I'd still rather have Garrett over Deshaun Watson, though, because he's injury prone. True. Who's going to produce more this year?

Ben Roethlisberger fakes a limp whenever he feels tired or cold

When he feels tired, Ben's like, I got a limp... somewhere in the back of his lizard brain, it's like, you need to show these people that you're injured... He's not smart enough to fake a limp, but [it's his] lizard brain.

If the NFL kicks Jerry Jones out, he will start a better football league with guns and steroids

I'm rooting for this simply because if Jerry Jones gets kicked out of the NFL, he is going to start the greatest fucking football league ever. XFL will be back... Guns, steroids, and that butter sauce you get with your pizza at Papa John's.

The Miami Hurricanes are officially back

As a team, Miami is officially, officially back. Now, Hank said it last week. The U. But they are now back.

Wisconsin is only in the playoff hunt to eventually lose to Ohio State by 40

There's just a fat, slow lineman up north that's just like, hey, guys, can I come in? That's Wisconsin just waiting to get in. Waiting to lose to Ohio State by 40 with me in attendance.

Lefty quarterbacks suck at throwing the football

Horny Brook [Alex Hornibrook], there's something about him when he passes. He's terrible. He's got that weird left. He's a lefty. The way that he passes with his left hand just doesn't look natural. Lefties suck at throwing the football.

The Boston Celtics are officially back

My who's back of the week is the Boston Celtics. Oh, great. They won 12 in a row. They're in first place in the Eastern Conference.

Coleslaw is both a salad and a liquid that keeps you hydrated

Coleslaw is the rare food that is both a salad and a liquid at the same time. So if you eat enough coleslaw, you stay hydrated.

Jon Gruden is exactly the same person in real life as he is on TV

He's actually a really funny guy. I mean, you think he's trying to be that way when you watch him on Monday night... That's just who he actually is. It's that crazy.

Facial expressions in impressions are a 'cheat' to make people believe the voice is better

The facial stuff is all a cheat. If you can do the mannerisms and the stuff with your face, it's a total cheat to get people to believe the voice is better than it is because people will start to see.

The NFL pylon rule is stupid and should be changed to a Quidditch-style hoop

I have a dumb question... why do pylons exist?... everyone keeps fumbling while reaching for the pylon... what they should do... They need to make them little like hoops that you can throw the ball into the hoop. And that counts as a touchdown... it's the safest play in football.

The boat picture officially jinxed the New York Giants franchise

The Giants are 1-9 and have been outscored by 113 points since the famous boat picture... Even Cam Newton knew you had to get on board the Titanic... I am fully on board with the theory that the boat totally jinxed the entire franchise for the Giants.

Ben McAdoo's open-door policy is exactly why the Giants are failing

Maybe that's the fucking problem is that you have Eli Manning wandering into your office asking you where his lost Legos are. Maybe focus on football... Odell Beckham's just dancing through your front door and just not focusing on football here.

If a singer sucks at an open mic in Texas, you're supposed to tackle them

I found out that it was at an open mic [the Josh Beckett incident]... I feel like at an open mic in Texas if the guy sucks you're kind of you're supposed to tackle him. Yeah that's true he just was like a deputized bouncer.

The Seahawks' lime green color rush uniforms are divine

The Seahawks lime green uniforms are divine. They are like highlighter green.

The NFL concussion protocol is a farce

The really bizarre one was Russell Wilson basically getting what seemed to be a concussion and then doing like a second in the concussion protocol tent and then going right back out there and then realizing that everyone watched him do that and the whole concussion protocol is a farce.

SkyCam is the superior way to watch football because it shows the verticality of the game

Football's a vertical game. You need to see how it goes downfield. You don't get that from the sideline camera angle. Us all 22 guys, we live for the Skycam.

NBA players who airball a three-pointer should be sent directly to the bench

Jeff Van Gundy had a Mike Greenberg's Dumb Rules that I fucking love. If you airball a three-pointer in the NBA, you should have to go directly to the bench. It should just be a penalty box or something.

Rudy Gay is the most apathetic star in basketball

There's no one who is as good at basketball but cared less about playing basketball than Rudy Gay. That guy was just so apathetic to who won or lost a game.

The Packers will run Brett Hundley 45 times on RPOs against the Bears

The Packers ran one RPO where Brett Hundley kept the ball and ran on Monday Night Football, and it worked for like 10 yards. They're going to do that like 45 times. And they're going to be like, oh, Brett Hundley can run a little, so we'll just run the ball.

The Buccaneers are on the verge of quitting on Dirk Koetter

I think the Bucs are pretty close to quitting on their coach. Dirk Koetter with his weird librarian glasses and a fake name and his Brillo pad hair.

AJ Green will have a massive game against the Titans after putting Jalen Ramsey in a sleeper hold

I got my sleeper. It's AJ Green. He put Jalen Ramsey in a sleeper, and he's going to come back with a performance this week against the Tennessee Titans. Rock and Refuel. They can't play defense. Start AJ Green.

Ezekiel Elliott will eventually have to serve his full six-game suspension

I'm assuming, what I've assumed all along, that at some point, Ezekiel Elliott's going to have to serve his six games. I doubt sincerely it's going to go to the Supreme Court. I can't believe the Supreme Court would think this is worth their time.

Jerry Jones's threat to sue the NFL is a smoke bomb to hide his frustration with the national anthem issue

This is one of those things that I'm angry, I'm ticked off, and I'm going to do something about it. And what I'm going to do is threaten to sue... Although the vast majority of people who I know around the league are saying that Jerry was mad before the Ezekiel Elliott thing happened, very hard for me to take seriously the notion that Ezekiel Elliott has nothing to do with his anger and his venom right now.

Chuck Pagano will be the first NFL coach fired this year

If things continue the way they are, I think probably Chuck Pagano [will be the first to be fired].

Hue Jackson will keep his job in Cleveland because ownership wants to end the coaching carousel

I'm one of the few people in our business I really still think that Hue Jackson's going to make it. And I think he's going to make it because I'm going on something that Jimmy Haslam told me... He absolutely unequivocally does not want to continue this merry-go-round.

Josh Gordon will play way more than 1.5 more games in his NFL career

[Josh Gordon games played left over-under one and a half?] Way over one and a half.

Jeff Fisher and Rex Ryan will never coach in the NFL again

[Jeff Fisher coaching again?] Way under one and a half. [Rex Ryan coaching again?] Under one and a half. Who's hiring Rex?

Bill Nye is a fraud who has been catfishing America for 30 years

He's a stand-up comedian that created this character that has no scientific background. Basically, Bill Nye has been catfishing America for the last 30 years. Right. So the fact that he says the sun is hot is further proof that it's cold. I would absolutely conclude that. But he's a proven liar. All he's done his entire adult life is lie to us.

Hank is more of a 'street kid' the hosts took in than a 'child' of the show

I consider you [Hank] like a street kid that we came across one day that stole something from us, and then we chased you down, and we punched you, and then we felt bad because we beat you up, and we're like, oh, we'll take care of you.

The NBA is officially the emo league

I'd like to just say I'm done with the word petty to describe the NBA. We passed petty like a year and a half ago. I think emo is now the correct answer.

Josh Gordon won't be as good as before because he's sober

[Josh Gordon] got reinstated, but it came out that he admitted that he used drugs or alcohol before every single game he's ever played. So he's going to have to come back and not use drugs or alcohol, and he's not going to be that good.

Twitter's move to 280 characters makes the platform the worst

My hot seat is Twitter, because they have officially made everyone have 280 characters, and it's the worst... I had 280 characters before anyone else, not to brag, but I said to both of you that it's the worst because I get tired even writing 280 characters, let alone reading it. So fuck Twitter for doing that.

At least one NFL coach will be fired before the end of the 2017 season

So Ben McAdoo, we're going to get one coach at least in the NFL is going to get fired before the end of the season. It usually happens.

Tampa Bay is going to win the Stanley Cup

Tampa's nasty. Tampa's going to win the cup.

I'm hammering the Vegas Golden Knights at home whenever their opponent has a night off in Vegas beforehand

Whenever a team has a day in Vegas, I just bet the Golden Knights, and they've been great. People get fucked up there. In Vegas? No. It's an 82-game season. You get there, you're just going to rip it up.