Takes

Gordon Hayward would have stayed in the game if he were a hockey player

You gotta think that that Gordon Hayward coming back for the third period if he's a hockey player. I mean you have to snap it back in, dude. He's at least going for the twirl to see if he can give it a go. You tie the skates up real tight. You use a fucking stick as a splint.

Coyotes rookie Clayton Keller is so skilled he should have been a lacrosse player

I'll give you Clayton Keller, and since he's on Phoenix, Arizona Coyotes, nobody will really know him. Clayton Keller. That guy's lacrosse. He should have been a lacrosse player, yeah.

People with poorly manicured lawns should be legally liable to be beat up by their neighbors

Isn't there a law out there that's like, I don't know, like just like the being, don't be a shithead neighbor law where if you don't rake your leaves for long enough, your neighbor's allowed to kick the shit out of you? ... If your lawn looks like shit, you are liable to get the shit kicked out of you by someone in your neighborhood.

Barstool would receive a substantial check in the mail if they threatened to sue Sam Ponder for interference with contractual relations

If someone, knowing that you are about to enter into some kind of a business relationship with a third party... attempts to have that contract stopped... That is the very definition of this case, of that tort. ... If somebody from Barstool or you guys wrote a short letter saying we're thinking of suing you for interference with contractual relations, I would guess that'd be a fairly substantial check in the mail within a week.

I could take Christian Ponder in a duel because he was a terrible quarterback and he is a beta

I would like to duel Christian Ponder. I actually think I could take him. Yeah, he was a terrible quarterback. He's a beta. I'm a mental alpha.

I would take RGIII over Andrew Luck right now because RGIII is healthy

I would take RGIII. He's not injured right now. He has a clean bill of health, and he's got Greta. [Andrew Luck]... Jim Irsay made a comment to me about six weeks ago that it's inside his own head. I'm going to trust Jim Irsay on all matters related to mental health.

A groggy Aaron Rodgers post-surgery would be a better quarterback than Brett Hundley

I honestly do believe that Aaron Rodgers, still groggy from surgery, would be a better option at quarterback than Brett Hundley. [Hundley] was so bad. [The Packers] look like a shell of themselves.

Aaron Rodgers is the best quarterback in the NFL because the Packers are trash without him

The Packers' Monday Night Football performance just proves, and I've said it for a long time... Aaron Rodgers is the best quarterback in the NFL because that team sucks without him. He makes everything good. And you put Brett Hundley in there and they look like a shell of themselves.

The only consistent teams you can trust in the NFL are the Eagles and the Patriots

The only two consistents are the Patriots and the Eagles. So the only two teams at this point in the season where you can confidently say I would trust those teams.

The Saints are a really good football team

The Saints are really, really good. And I think it helped that they were playing against Jameis Winston today... the only two teams at this point in the season where you can confidently say I would trust those teams [Eagles and Patriots] and maybe the Saints.

The Falcons' Super Bowl hangover is real

The Falcons, Super Bowl hangover, real. Not to brag, but we called that. Remember over the summer when they had a rash of articles that were like, hey, these Falcons, they're going to bounce back... they've put it behind them, which is exactly what someone who is rattled by the Super Bowl would say. And it's proving true with how shitty they play week in and week out.

Kirk Cousins earns $7 million for every half-decent throw

Kirk Cousins makes himself about $7 million for every half-decent throw that he has in a game. So he'll suck for a good three quarters, and then he'll have two good intermediate passes, and you're like, okay, yeah, somebody's going to pay him $25 million next year.

The Giants have officially quit on the season

The Giants have officially quit. That team does not give a fuck. No. And they're doing the old, like, no one wants to tackle anyone. They're basically playing, the rest of the season for the Giants is basically the Pro Bowl for them.

Since appearing on Pardon My Take, Jared Goff has the best stats of any NFL quarterback

I'm just going to say this. Since appearing on Pardon My Take, Jared Goff has the best stats of any NFL quarterback. Are we QB Whisperers?

The Miami Hurricanes are officially back

The U is back. They had the black jerseys, which was just unreal. Dominated Virginia Tech. And the fans... there was multiple incidents of fans fighting police, fans fighting each other. Police fighting fans. That's back. The U's got all their swagger back.

Lane Kiffin definitely knows the spread and plays to it

I've said this for many years, that Lane Kiffin is one of the only coaches that I will put my fucking life on it, that he knows the spread and plays to the spread. He used to do it at Tennessee, too, where he would go for two in random spots. I know Lane Kiffin knows the spread.

Robert Kraft is definitely a heavy emoji user in his text messages

Bob Kraft definitely uses emojis. Big time emoji guy. He probably does like the fist pound instead of saying like, you know, good call... He's got, he found poop, the poop emoji like six months ago. But with like 95 print font.

The NFL's decision to overturn Zach Miller's touchdown catch was close to laughable

They have officially tried to sell the fact that they were correct with their ruling on the field, which I'm sorry to say, but I don't want to call it laughable, but close to laughable... there's no part of that element of that play that is clear and obvious to overturn.

Any potential player ejection in the NFL should be reviewable

I think that we are at the point in this game where any potential ejection ought to be reviewable... because if everything's about players' safety... then if there are egregious acts that don't get called, even if they get called and they're not ejected and should be, then I think replay ought to be able to jump in.

Targeting fouls in college football are up 40% this year and it is hurting the game

The rule makers have to be concerned when they look at the fact that the number of fouls for targeting are up 40% this year. I mean, that's a big number. That's a big number that leads to longer games and really more questionable decisions.

If the Zach Miller catch had been ruled incomplete on the field, replay would have reversed it to a touchdown

I'll say it one more time, and here it is. If they had ruled that on the field as incomplete, both Dean Blandino and myself would have reversed it to a touchdown.

NFL officials should be limited to 30 seconds of slow-motion replay per game

In the course of any game, the officials should only get like 30 seconds worth of slow-mo that they can use. And so you got to use it smart. It's like Turbo and NBA Jam.

NFL teams below .500 should be relegated to having Brock Osweiler as their quarterback

I think that any team in the NFL that finishes below .500 should be relegated to having Brock Osweiler as their quarterback for the next year. You have to overcome Brock to prove that you're ready to rejoin the big boys.

Papa John and Jerry Jones are conspiring to get Roger Goodell fired

Papa John is running the NFL... He wants to get Roger Goodell fired... Jerry Jones is the leading franchise owner of Papa John's Pizzas... he's teaming up with Papa John to go after Goodell... trying to convince other sponsors to take money away from the NFL, therefore sinking Roger Goodell as commissioner.

LeBron James is using Dwyane Wade as a mouthpiece for his callouts of teammates

I like what Dwyane Wade's doing because now we see AI, the evolution of technology. LeBron no longer has to subtweet. He can just use Dwyane Wade as a little ventriloquist.

The Kardashian curse is real and it claimed Tristan Thompson

Tristan Thompson never missed a game in his career. He got Khloe Kardashian pregnant, and now he's out a month... Kardashian curse.

LeBron James is moving to Los Angeles in eight months

At the end of the day, [Dwayne Wade] and LeBron are moving to L.A. in like eight months. They've already packed their bags.

Carlos Correa should hand over his man card for proposing right after winning the World Series

Yeah, that's a problem for me because you don't want to propose at the best possible time of your life because everything's downhill from there. It's too much of a good thing... You're basically giving yourself Christmas and your birthday on the exact same day.

The Houston Astros should have kept the center field hill

I wish that they had kept that hill because that is the dumbest thing that has ever been put in a baseball field, and it needed to stay.

Mitch Trubisky is now the number one quarterback of the 2017 draft class following Deshaun Watson's injury

I think you have to give it to [Mitch Trubisky] at this point [as the number one quarterback in the 2017 draft].

The Houston Texans are now the most likely team to spend a first-round pick on Sam Bradford

Houston just shot up to the top of my power rankings for teams most likely to spend a first rounder on your man, Sam Bradford. [Bill O'Brien] got a little taste of having a competent quarterback, and that's basically, like, if you had to do a scouting report of Sam Bradford, it's just one word, competent.

I'm taking the Giants +3.5 at home against the Rams

I'm taking the Giants at home, plus three and a half against our man's Jared Goff. This is just one of those situations where you take the worst team you can find if they're home dogs.

I'm taking the Redskins +7 against the Seahawks

I'm going to go with the R-Words. The Washington R-Words. It looks like a trap to me, but I am also a sucker. I like to just walk into those traps and get clanked up by the bear traps... Seahawks. Plus seven.

I'm taking the Broncos +8 on the road against the Eagles

I'm going with the Denver Broncos. Plus eight in Philadelphia. That's one of those games where you just look at it and you're like, this is the dumbest pick ever, so that's why it might win.

Leaks in the White House have decreased since I was fired

We fired or resigned or got rid of four of the major, major leakers. So of course the leaks are down. Right. And if there are leaks now, because there's always leaks in the administration, there are more constructive leaks, there are more trial balloon leaks.

Gender is a wide spectrum

First of all, gender is a spectrum, Kat. Don't forget that again. Gender's a very wide spectrum. ... By the time you're 40, you're going to not care about anything anymore. Just wear women's clothing. ... If I did that, I would tell you, why do I care?

The Scaramucci Post will eventually turn into a revolutionary site

the Scaramucci Post is going to turn into a revolutionary site over time. And I think it will be an intersection on a highway of extremism in our polarized society. And so, you know, give it a couple months. You'll see. There'll be great things on that.

Millennials are less politically polarized and will save American society

I'm not blaming the millennials. I actually think the millennials are the guys that are going to save it. You guys are less politically motivated, less polarized... in general, my guess is you guys are going to do the right thing politically.

Lenny Dykstra is a genius

Let me tell you something, okay? Lenny Dykstra, no matter what he's done in his life after baseball, don't matter to me. But he's a genius. Love Lenny. He's probably an idiot savant. He's probably got some ADHD. ... Lenny Dykstra, as we called him when I was a kid, nails. ... This guy was a tough SOB.

The Houston Astros bullpen had an edge over the Dodgers because they were less tired

I think the edge right now is to the Houston bullpen. That's my opinion. Even though if you look at the stats, Dodgers have a better bullpen. Dodgers have a better bullpen, but they seem more tired than the Houston bullpen.

Bobby Valentine invented the wrap sandwich

He says he did. 100%. That was at Bobby V Sports 1977, 1978. 100% he came up with that thing... Bobby V 1000% invented the wrap.

Individual investors should avoid stock selection and stick to ETFs

Buy ETFs, okay? And stay out of the individual stock selection business if you're not an expert. That's what I would tell you. ... While you guys are joking around, your listeners are right now burning into their brain the laws of compound interest. ... If you want to be rich and transform the society and transform your life, start saving some money.

Mares can continue to race effectively while pregnant

Some of those horses have that special glow. That's when you know they're pregnant. No, seriously. There have been numerous situations in horse racing where Mayors that were just on the verge of retirement and were bred still continue to race and race well for a while while they were carrying a baby. That does happen.

Rushing Fall is the horse to watch in the Friday Breeders' Cup races

There's a horse named Rushing Fall, trained by Chad Brown... She's had two starts. She won them both. Last time out, she looked like an absolute superstar. I think she is on her way to maybe some spectacular things.

Gun Runner has the best chance to beat Arrogate in the Breeders' Cup Classic

I think this is Gun Runner's race to lose... Gun Runner's got better, Arrogate seems to have gotten a little bit worse and I think this is Gun Runner's race to lose.

Highland Reel could repeat in the Breeders' Cup Turf if he goes wire-to-wire

Well, Highland Reels back again. So it's going to be interesting to see, with a short stretch especially, if he can blast off like that again and be able to do the same thing a year later. [Last year] Seamus Heffernan, his Irish jockey, opened up like eight lengths on the field... The horse went wire to wire.

Clayton Kershaw will close Game 7 of the World Series and finally get the monkey off his back

Clayton Kershaw, out of the bullpen to close Game 7 for the Los Angeles Dodgers... he does the old Steve Young, gets that monkey off his back. And the Dodgers, the great sports town of L.A., has a championship.

Major League Baseball is better when the Dodgers are disappointed

The Major League Baseball is better when the Dodgers are good. That's what people always say. I don't really believe that. I like Los Angelinos to be very disappointed in all their sports because they have everything else.

Kelvin Benjamin will lose his conditioning in Buffalo because of the winter and chicken wings

Kelvin Benjamin, who, by the way, did the Bills realize he's already kind of a hefty guy with weight problems and that he's going to be in Buffalo? Yeah, and wings. And a lot of beer... I feel like Kelvin Benjamin is going to get off the plane in Buffalo and be like, oh, I don't have to be in shape in this city.

Deshaun Watson would have failed on the Browns because they ruin all quarterbacks

Deshaun Watson is forever going to be the could-have-been-on-the-Browns guy. But what people don't realize is he would have sucked on the Browns because that's what the Browns do to quarterbacks.