Takes

The Jimmy Garoppolo trade is the beginning of the end for the Patriots dynasty

This started a chain of events that is going to end the Patriots dynasty... Belichick was basically cut out of this, right? So Belichick's pissed... and then he's going to resign. Okay. And then that's the end of it.

Botching the AJ McCarron trade was actually the Browns' best personnel move in five years

The fuck up of not being able to get [AJ McCarron] on your team if you're the Browns, that might actually be the best personnel move that the Browns have made in the last five years.

Texting your date from the bathroom to tell them they look sexy is an alpha move

A-Rod revealed today that when his first date with J-Lo, he went to the bathroom and he texted her, you look sexy AF... fellas, if you're trying to get it... I mean, it's alpha move only for Alex Rodriguez. I feel like this is a new move.

The Raiders have lost their mojo because they aren't getting enough penalties

Jack Del Rio said that they've lost their mojo. You want to know why? Because they're like one of the least penalized teams in the NFL. That's not Raiders football.

The Bengals, not the Browns, are likely to blame for the botched AJ McCarron trade paperwork

I don't think [the Browns] screwed this up, interestingly enough... I think I am a little bit on Team Cleveland. So what I heard was that one of the sides, I think it was the Bengals, sent in the signatures, sent in the paper, the trade slip, before both signatures were on it, and neither side realized until it was too late.

Bill Belichick spearheaded the Jimmy Garoppolo trade and wasn't forced into it by Robert Kraft

What I was told was that this is definitely Belichick running the show here... this was a trade that Belichick took on himself... I think it is really Belichick kind of spearheading it.

Adam Gase traded Jay Ajayi primarily to send a message to a locker room that wasn't on his page

Adam Gase definitely [traded Jay Ajayi to send a message], but it's more than that, actually, because Gase and Ajayi were not on the same page at all... relationship never really got better. So it was more like, this is untenable. I need to send a message. I'm going to get value for this guy.

UConn Women's Basketball expects to win the national championship every single year

We expect to win the national championship every year. We know it's not possible... You're trying to put yourself in a position to have a shot every year, not to have these, you know, well, this is a rebuilding year.

Men's college basketball is more physical than the NBA

Every NBA coach will tell you that men's college basketball is more physical than the NBA... they still let you beat the shit out of each other instead of calling the fouls that they call in the NBA.

Steph Curry would not be as successful if NBA refs allowed the physicality of college basketball

You think if they let – If they let guys in the NBA handle Steph Curry the way they handle college kids in college, he'd be able to do what he does? Absolutely not.

My UConn players get their asses beat by men's practice players every single day

They beat our ass every day... I mean, that's a no-brainer. These guys will all be like college players, like Division III, Division II... anytime it's a test of physical prowess, of course they're going to win.

I would coach the New York Knicks

[Big Cat]: The New York Knicks... would you coach them? [Geno]: Sure. I love New York.

The NFL is the toughest sport to coach in the world

To me, the toughest sport to coach is the NFL. So those guys, to me, are the best coaches in the world.

Skip Bayless and the 'First Take' crew are 'schmos' who sold out for $6 million paychecks

You would go on TV, you would get all caught up in the whole TV thing, and then you'd start becoming like First Take or something. You'd start becoming like Skip Bayless and everybody would think... Remember these guys? They used to be good guys. Now they're a schmo... And they get $6 million for doing that. And I just did this for free, me and you, and I'm way better than that.

Tom Brady looks down on every NFL player who gets injured because he thinks his body is elastic

Tom Brady was talking about how his trainer has taught him how to not get injured ever. And so Tom Brady looks down on everyone that gets injured because he knows... when he gets hit, he thinks immediately when the helmet hits him to extend his body and to make his body more elastic. And that way, when he lands on the ground, he actually doesn't get hurt because he thinks all these things when he gets hit from the blind side.

Tom Brady is likely in a secret cult that provides him with extraterrestrial medicine

When you have that much money and all you want to do is win, why wouldn't you spend it on extraterrestrial medicines? On anti-concussion mental exercises? Have you guys seen Batman, League of Shadows? He's probably in some type of cult or something... Alex Guerrero is just the front... but really, in the offseason, he's in some type of cult.

Tom Brady has trained his brain to be anti-concussion

He's got an anti-concussion brain because of the thoughts he has. Yes, he's trained his brain not to get hurt... Imagine if he drank some of Russell Wilson's concussion water. He'd be unstoppable.

Facial hair is an aphrodisiac for women because it shows you can hunt and gather

Facial hair on a man, that is an aphrodisiac for women because it shows that you can provide for a family, you can hunt, you can gather, you can do it all.

NFL catch rules are bullshit after the Zach Miller non-touchdown

I am still so fucking mad about Zach Miller and that catch that wasn't a catch that was a catch. And I know, I know that this is, you know, the Calvin Johnson rule... but this is fucking bullshit. And it's the reason why, even though I love sports, I hate sports... I was that mad that Zach Miller broke his leg for nothing.

The Eagles are the team to beat in the NFL

I'm crossing off the 49ers while simultaneously in ink, circling the Eagles and saying they might be the team to beat.

A Vikings vs. Eagles NFC Championship would result in nuclear war

If it's the [Vikings] and the Eagles in the NFC Championship game, that's when the nuclear war is going to happen... They're never going to get experience joy.

The Patriots are officially back and it is 'fucked up' that they already have a top defense again

The Patriots were dead, and now all of a sudden they have the best defense. It's fucked up. It's fucked up... with their best players out, no big deal. Fuck you, Hank.

Sleep is the enemy of greatness for football guys

Sleep is the enemy of greatness. Football guys would just prefer to not sleep ever if they could.

The 2017 World Series baseballs are 100% juiced

There is zero chance these balls have not been altered. You got guys talking about it. The guys who rub these things up are telling you they feel different. They look different... You can't even get ink to set in these things because they're cue balls, bro.

The Astros will win the World Series in seven games

It's going seven, Cat, and the Strohs are taking it in seven. All right, the Dodgers bounce back after a day off... But H-Town rises above in seven. They do it at Chavez Ravine out here in L.A. Strohs in seven.

The Jaguars defense deserves the 'Saxonville' nickname

I'm currently not calling us that, but they've done a great job creating [sacks], so they deserve that name.

The original 'IT' and 'The Shining' are the only good scary movies

The problem is scary movies, I feel like, are always shitty movies, but a really good scary movie, like the original IT, was great... and The Shining, that is fucking awesome.

Razors in Halloween candy is a total myth

That's fake news. That never happens. You hear it every year, and you're like, parents, be careful... That's not true. There's nobody out there that's ever done the razor trick, in my opinion.

John Gruden to Tennessee is fate because his skin tone perfectly matches the school's orange

John Gruden looks like he should be coaching in Tennessee Orange. If you take on aggregate the different tones of John Gruden's skin and his hair and his lips and you put it all together into one blender and average it out, you get Tennessee Orange... His face is the perfect match for the Feng Shui of Knoxville.

Roger Goodell is incompetent for not having blackmail on Jerry Jones

If you want to point your finger at [Goodell] for one thing... it's his complete negligence and incompetence for not being able to pick up any sort of compromising material on Jerry Jones... He's really not that difficult to compromise.

The 'shark photo' was the beginning of the end for Jim McElwain at Florida

I'd say it all went south when we all just thought that Jim McElwain was fucking a shark... When you have to hold a press conference saying you did not fuck a shark, that probably means the job's not for you.

Kiko Alonso should be suspended and punished severely for his hit on Joe Flacco

Kiko Alonso, should he be suspended forever? He should be covered in birdseed and strapped to the top of a mountain. [Joe Flacco's] hair looked pretty fucking sweet when his helmet popped off... but [Alonso's hit] was [awful].

Crying blood or bleeding from the ear makes a football player look more badass

His ear, having a bloody ear is just a badass look. There are certain orifices that when you bleed out of them, you look like you're Arnold Schwarzenegger in Predator... If you cry blood, that's one. If you have blood coming out of your ear, that's another.

Jonathan Quinn is the worst quarterback to ever play more than one game in the NFL

Jonathan Quinn might be the worst quarterback to ever play more than one game in the NFL.

Antwaan Randle El was a better quarterback than Ben Roethlisberger during the Steelers' first Super Bowl run

Ben Roethlisberger, people forget Ben Roethlisberger, his first couple years, he was really bad. They would basically be like, if we just run the ball enough, maybe he won't fuck it up. That Super Bowl he won, the first one. Honestly, Antwaan Randle El was a better quarterback.

The Chargers' game against New England is a trap game for the Patriots

I'm going with the Chargers... on the road against New England. This is a trap game for New England. I don't really know what trap game means, but when you say it's a trap game, you sound smart.

The Bills are a max bet -2.5 against the Raiders

Bills minus two and a half against the Raiders. How does that make sense? In Buffalo, the Raiders have to go all the way to, and the Bills are coming off a bye... I'm taking the Bills, max bet.

Start Drew Stanton on his bye week to guarantee a zero rather than negative points

My stardom of the week: Drew Stanton. The Cardinals are on a bye. But Drew Stanton, if he starts, he's getting negative points. So you start him on the bye and you get that zero. Bruce Arians is going to turn this team around.

Nelson Agholor is a 'start' this week because the Eagles are on fire

My stardom, Nelson Agholor. The Eagles are on fire and up against a weak pass team for the 49ers.

I will be a great character witness for Big Cat and PFT to save the ESPN show

I think I would have been a great character witness. [I would tell John Skipper] Mr. Skipper, you know how salamanders mate for life? Well, these two guys, they're a perfect pair together.

High school football coaching in America fails to prepare quarterbacks for the college spread offense

what we're seeing at the college level is all these high school kids are running like fancy, like pro-style offenses where they just hand the ball off and they play under center too much and they're not preparing kids enough for the college game to play in the spread offense.

Koalas mostly have chlamydia and can transmit it through their urine

You know that koalas have chlamydia? Most of them have chlamydia, and if they pee on you, they'll give you chlamydia.

Viruses might actually be aliens from a meteorite

Viruses might be aliens. They might have crashed on a meteorite. No, you know why? Because viruses don't have all the facts of life. Like, life needs to reproduce. Viruses replicate. They replicate, but not like other cells. So, it would make sense that they evolved on a different planet.

Colin Kaepernick and Arian Foster struggle because they are vegans

Kaepernick is a vegan, how can you, like, look at all the vegans, look at Arian Foster. He's out of the NFL now because he's a vegan. [Arian Foster's hamstring fell off] because he's a vegan.

Art makes you lazy and softens your brain

Art's kind of like... I heard art makes your mind a little too active. Art makes you lazy. You're using the wrong brain muscles when you're doing art. That's not football muscles.

You cannot lead a clubhouse while wearing adult braces

[Joe Girardi's] problem was he could never recover from having braces. Adult braces. You can't be a leader of men with adult braces... if you can't straighten your teeth out, you can't straighten out a clubhouse.

Alex Rodriguez would be a great MLB manager

I'm not going to say that they should take a look at my boss, Alex Rodriguez, but if they were smart, A-Rod would be a hell of a boss, a hell of a manager. He knows how to keep the guys loose.

It is safer to be shot without a shirt on to avoid getting clothing fibers in the wound

I think it [a bullet] would pass through you cleaner. Because if you're wearing a shirt, you get the shirt fibers inside your body.

The Illuminati and reptilians use money to hypnotize and control the American mind

The Illuminati slash reptilians run the Federal Reserve... they hypnotize everybody in America using money. So if you have money in your pocket, it's actually a tool of hypnosis. And they control that money and they make it hypnotize you.

Drinking alcohol makes you smarter by killing your weakest brain cells first

when you drink enough, it actually kills brain cells. That's a fact... If you kill brain cells, it's targeting the smaller, weaker brain cells first. Like a buffalo herd, and if you get rid of the weak ones, then it makes your brain function more efficiently.