Takes

ESPN mismanaged the Barstool deal by putting the show on the air when they knew they couldn't handle the internal pressure

I really wish ESPN had stood tall on it because I think it was shitty that they put us on, and then they basically took us off. When they knew that this all could come brewing, they should have just never put us on to begin with. It was mismanaged from the beginning.

No one ever wins an internet fight

No one wins an internet fight. And no one knows what they're talking about. No, no one ever wins an internet fight. I've learned that. I've gotten in many internet fights. I've gotten in internet fights I regret over and over. No one wins an internet fight.

Pete Rose belongs in the Baseball Hall of Fame as a player

As a baseball player, put him in the Hall of Fame. Don't let him hold a job. That's it. If you cheat in grad school, I don't take away from your undergrad degree. And that's the way I look at it with Pete. He did something wrong as a manager. Now, if you can prove he bet as a player, then I wouldn't put him in the Hall of Fame.

I would have easily beaten Skip Bayless in a game of one-on-one basketball

[Skip Bayless] is in good shape. But if we're shooting, then I would steal his lunch money. I would have lit up Skip Bayless.

Chris Berman was the greatest highlight broadcaster in history and the foundation of ESPN

[Chris] Berman was the best highlight guy at what he did when he did it. It was revolutionary, controversial, and the fact that he had the guts to do it and continue to do it. You can't build ESPN without him.

It is rarely beneficial for public figures to read their mentions on Twitter

I never knew where to listen to [the haters]. No, I couldn't care less. ... It's rarely good when you go on Twitter or you listen to those people.

I will likely retire from the radio show within the next five years

Three or four. Five, maybe. Maybe five. I don't know. Maybe six. No. No more than five more years.

Playoff Kershaw is no longer a real thing and I was wrong to mock him

Clayton Kershaw, Playoff Kershaw is no longer a thing. It sucks. I love to laugh at Clayton Kershaw every October when someone would put a moonshot three rows up. It sucks that we can't make fun of Clayton Kershaw anymore.

Carson Wentz is actually a good quarterback and I was wrong about him

And my other one is Carson Wentz. He's fucking good. And I, for a long time, said he sucked.

Pardon My Take broke the news that the Sixers' first pick would be injured before the draft even happened

I think we reported this news first. We broke this news the day before the NBA draft saying that the Philadelphia 76ers' first pick was going to be injured at some point this season. Credit to us. First reported by [Pardon My Take].

Austin, Texas is a bad sports town for trying to steal the Columbus Crew

Austin, Texas. Bad sports town... they are currently in the midst of cucking the Columbus Crew. They're trying to steal the Crew, which is a Talking Soccer. They're trying to steal an MLS team and bring them down to Austin, Texas.

Relationships are doomed to fail if one person transfers schools specifically for the other

Your other mistake is transferring schools because anyone who ever transfers for a relationship, that relationship immediately breaks up. That doesn't last.

Road trip snacks like beef jerky and Mountain Dew are superior aphrodisiacs to oysters

Road trip food is the natural aphrodisiac. Get oysters the hell out of here. Give me like that weird salted trail [mix], maybe some Twizzlers, Slim Jims. ... If I smell, when [a woman] walks to the door with a cracker crust peanut butter combo on her breath, I know it's on.

The presence of a dog makes a man significantly more attractive by proving he can keep something alive

[A dog] shows that we can keep another thing alive. It's the paternal instinct. You look at that and you're like, that guy would be a good dad because he's holding an animal and the animal isn't dead yet.

The Chicago Bears are for real

The Bears are for real. Never meant to make Cam Newton cry. See his outfit. What a real weird guy. John Fox has his team playing John Fox football, which means he takes his [team] back to a time before the forward pass existed.

Millennials are ruining football because their brittle bones are not breastfed long enough

It's millennials that are ruining football, but with their brittle little bones, they're not breastfed until a proper age, and so they all get hurt.

The Atlanta Falcons are officially pretenders

The Falcons are pretenders. They are officially in the pretenders pile. You know what's great, too, is I think they started like 2-0 and everyone was like, see, told you, the Falcons do not have a Super Bowl hangover. Now you see them. They are mentally just broken.

Losing the Super Bowl is better than winning because you avoid the Super Bowl winner hangover

You know what my favorite take of the week might have been? It was one of the Boston sports guys. They said that it's almost better to lose the Super Bowl because you don't get a Super Bowl hangover if you lose it. And so it didn't really work out that way this weekend.

A shitty offense makes a defense better because they play harder out of pure anger

If you have a shitty enough offense, your defense gets a lot better because they're so fucking mad at your offense. [It's] just being so angry at how incompetent your offense is that you actually end up playing harder just because you're furious all the time.

All men will become hobos within a week if they lose access to hygiene products

Left to your own devices, all men will become hobos within like a week of having no access to hygiene products.

College football is more fun when Notre Dame is good

Notre Dame is back. And it's going to be fun. It's going to be fun to watch Notre Dame get their hopes all the way up. College football is significantly more fun when Notre Dame is back.

Ass-eating season is 100% back

I said that it was toe-sucking season, but I'm retracting that. Ass-eating season is 100% back. Gabby Union said that she eats Dwayne Wade's ass.

Hue Jackson is this generation's Norv Turner or Wade Phillips

I think with [Hue] Jackson, it's just a matter of time at this point. He strikes me as this generation's Norv Turner or Wade Phillips, who is very good as a coordinator, good enough to keep getting head coaching jobs, but bad enough as a head coach to not hold those jobs.

Teddy Bridgewater will start more games than Aaron Rodgers for the rest of 2017

Which quarterback starts more games from here on forward in 2017, Aaron Rodgers or Teddy Bridgewater? Teddy Bridgewater. He's ready to go. Week 10 is what they're looking at.

Sam Bradford will never play for the Vikings again

I don't think [Sam Bradford] is ever going to play again for the Vikings. I think it's Bridgewater when they think that there's an opening to put Keenum down and put Bridgewater in.

Ezekiel Elliott has a chance to beat his suspension entirely

There's a chance [Ezekiel] Elliott beats this whole thing, not just this year, but this year, next year, and for good. Right now, it actually looks good for him to get an injunction that would allow him to play all season.

Tom Brady will retire suddenly to avoid having a farewell tour

Brady keeps saying that he's going to play four or five years so that he can then just retire all of a sudden? Yeah, he doesn't want to have a farewell tour. If [the Patriots] win another Super Bowl... is it going to shock anybody if he walks away?

The Patriots and Seahawks will meet in the Super Bowl

Right now, if I had to pick two teams for the Super Bowl, I'd say the Patriots and the Seahawks.

Clayton Kershaw will never 'suck' in the playoffs again

When are we going to see playoff Kershaw where he just sucks and gives up mammoth home runs and we all get to laugh on Twitter? Never.

The Dodgers will beat the Astros in six games

Dan Heron on the record, Dodgers in six.

Lonzo Ball will have 24 points, 8 rebounds, and 6 assists tonight

I'm going to go ahead and say Lonzo Ball tonight, 24 points. Eight rebounds, six assists.

Kyrie Irving telling a fan to 'suck my dick' was worth the $25,000 fine

Kyrie got fined 25,000 that's not that much totally worth it to say suck my dick to fan yes absolutely yeah... Saying suck my dick in Philly is like the nicest thing you can do. That's the Philadelphia hello.

John Calipari will be the next coach of the Phoenix Suns

Now that they fired their coach and there's trouble in paradise, you think of what I'm thinking? Coach Cal. Brandon Knight, Eric Bledsoe, Devin Booker, Tyler Ulis... All went to Kentucky.

The NFL needs more players like Vontaze Burfict

The NFL needs more Vontaze Burfict. Not the other way around. I want to be scared going over the middle. You need a guy like that in the league at all times.

The Dodgers are a better team than the Cubs

I am ready now to admit that the Dodgers are the better team. Was it a gentleman's sweep? Yeah, it was. I love the gentleman's sweep.

The Yankees are the No. 1 team in the 'Team of Destiny' power rankings

My guess is the Yankees. The Yankees, currently right now, if we're doing our team of destiny power rankings, they're clearly No. 1. The pinstripes are popping extra hot right now.

You cannot have a championship drought if you have never won a title

The Astros, the Indians are the longest drought for Major League Baseball. Yes. For a championship. The Rangers are second longest. The Astros are third. The Rangers and the Astros have never won a World Series. Can you have a drought if you've never won a World Series? Because I say no.

Kris Bryant was likely playing through an injury during the playoffs

Look for Kris Bryant to come out with maybe like a little surgery soon. A little hockey surgery. Clean up. He's been injured. That's what I'm saying... I'm going to say lower body. Yeah. He'll just get his ankle cleaned.

Andy Reid should have kept committing penalties at the goal line to prevent the Raiders from ever reaching the end zone

It was the Schrodinger's cat of penalties where the Raiders were mathematically eliminated from scoring touchdowns if you just keep committing penalties and they can only get halfway to the end zone, halfway to the end zone, half the distance, half the distance. They'll never get there. Andy should have just kept his foot on the gas.

Alex Smith is harder to tackle because he has small hands

My theory is [Alex Smith's] hands are so small that there's less of him to tackle. So that's actually an asset at this level.

Alex Smith is a top five good-looking quarterback in the NFL

Alex Smith, shockingly very good-looking guy... Top five NFL good-looking guy. I'm talking about quarterbacks, Hank... Alex Smith's a good looking dude.

I'm taking the Packers +4.5 at home against the Saints

I'm taking the Packers. Ooh, okay, I like that. Plus four and a half at home. Everyone loves the Saints. The Saints... Be careful, my friends.

I'm taking the Eagles at home against the Redskins

I'm going to go with the Eagles at home against the R-Words. Ooh, Monday night.

85% of The Ringer's basketball podcasters are 'hipsters' who rely too much on stats

85% of the people that are on the Ringer podcast discussing basketball, they're hipsters. In terms of the stat, stat, stat... I want an eye test. I don't want geometry. Can you play or can you not play?

LeBron James will never be as good as Michael Jordan

23 reasons why LeBron James will never be like Mike... Caitlyn Jenner. Another topic we need more on. LeVar [Ball] can't ball is a good one.

Bill Simmons' HBO show was 'trash' from the first interview

I did his HBO show, which I knew was trash. I knew which we all knew was trash from the first interview from the first person... I knew that when I watched the Simmons thing, everybody knew, because there was so much anticipation and hype, and because he left ESPN, you knew... yo, this is in deep shit.

Tobey Maguire is the worst basketball player I've ever seen

The worst basketball player I've ever seen is Tobey Maguire. That motherfucker. Stick to the poker tables, you nerd.

Julio Jones will have a massive 'revenge game' against the Patriots on Sunday

My stardom: Julio Jones. The Patriots secondary stinks. Primetime revenge game. Julio Jones. pick him up on the waiver wire and start his ass.

The Bucks should fire Jason Kidd because no good NBA coach still uses a landline desk phone

I would fire Jason Kidd if I were the Bucks... what coach is at their desk just picking up their phone? Their landline. If you're an NBA coach and you've picked up your landline in the last 10 years, you're a bad coach.

Clout is a drug that is cocaine-like but not addictive and has no hangover

Clout is like a drug that you only do when you're in Hollywood. You do clout, and you have the greatest party of all time... Clout is like, it's cocaine, but it's cleaner, and it's not addictive. It's not addictive, non-bad for you. No hangover.