Takes

Clout is a drug that is cocaine-like but not addictive and has no hangover

Clout is like a drug that you only do when you're in Hollywood. You do clout, and you have the greatest party of all time... Clout is like, it's cocaine, but it's cleaner, and it's not addictive. It's not addictive, non-bad for you. No hangover.

LeBron James travels and could learn how to establish a pivot foot from Gordon Hayward's injury

Hey, LeBron James, you could learn a lot from Gordon Hayward about how to establish a pivot foot. [LeBron] travels.

Kevin Durant lacks the clutch gene and will never win an NBA championship where he is the alpha on the team

Kevin Durant lacks the clutch gene. Doesn't get the ball off on time. [He will never win an NBA championship] where he's the alpha on the team. Beta ball.

The Yankees are going to win the World Series because they have 'the aura'

The Yankees, I think, are going to win the World Series. I'm actually going to say that right now. I think they have what we call the look. I was going to say the aura, actually. The aura.

The FBI is sniffing around Duke basketball

I've heard that the FBI is snooping around, sniffing around Duke.

The 49ers are 'cover machines' and I will keep betting on them

My cool throne is, number one, the 49ers for the gambling luck. They've lost the last, what, five games by three points or less? They're cover machines. I'm going to keep riding those Niners.

Philadelphia can't have nice things, so the Eagles' success will eventually fall apart

My hot seat is the Eagles. And this is quick... It just seems like it's too good right now. And Philadelphia can't have nice things.

Freezing Reese's Peanut Butter Cups is the best way to eat them

Reese's, put them in the freezer, kids. That's the next level stuff. Everyone knows that.

Gambling Twitter is in the VIP section of the worst parts of Twitter

Gambling Twitter is in VIP of the worst Twitter. It's definitely... I don't know if they're in this Uber VIP up top where Jay-Z is... but they're in VIP. Twitter trolls are definitely in the VIP of the club of Twitter.

I am never betting on Kansas again

Kansas, you are off the list. After last week, no more. [I am never taking them again].

Maryland football will become a contender in the Big Ten if DJ Durkin stays

I think if DJ Durkin stays, that there'll be a time not too far from now when not just the Minnesotas of the world that you beat, maybe you can step up. I'm telling you.

I will never do another show with Ryen Russillo

I don't think we're ever going to do a show again. [SVP and Russillo]

The Bulls' practice fight is a result of a failure in leadership from John Paxson

This starts from the top. This is leadership from the top. This is John Paxson, who has famously gotten a choking match with Vinny Del Negro... It's a good culture that the Bulls have.

Major League Baseball should allow pitchers to use steroids to speed up the game

Allow steroids for the pitchers. Because it's a problem with the slow game, right? So they can throw the ball faster. Get up to like 106, 107 miles an hour. You're shaving a good like two seconds off the game.

The NFL's ratings decline is a 'fake news' narrative partially caused by warm weather

Ratings are down 7.5%... Fake news, because we watch more than ever... Also, I just want to note this, that it just today felt like fall... You can't fully embrace football when it's 90 degrees.

Calling your partner 'mommy' or 'daddy' is technically the sexiest thing you can say

The words daddy and mommy just mean that you've had sex. They're like an honor. When you get knighted, and now you shall arise as sir once you have sex and you procreate, your name's daddy and mommy. So actually, it's technically the sexiest thing you can say.

The Giants are probably better without Odell Beckham Jr.

Should we just embrace debate right now? Are the Giants better without Odell Beckham? Hmm. Probably.

Aaron Rodgers has become complacent and needs a backup to challenge him

Aaron Rodgers, I'm just going off my eyeballs here, he seems like a guy that can get complacent. That's just my working theory. So if he has someone who has taken the first four rounds behind him [Brett Hundley], then he has to show up on time.

The NFL is much worse without Aaron Rodgers

I do think the NFL is much worse without [Rodgers] because we already have a league with very few good quarterbacks, and Aaron Rodgers is probably the best one in the NFL.

I would bet $100 million that America would pay to see Brett Favre come back one more time

If J.J. Watt can raise $30 million for hurricane relief, I guarantee that if all the football fans in America come together and we're like, hey, we want to watch Brett Favre just throw the fucking ball around the yard just a couple more times... I guarantee we could raise $100 million.

Joe Maddon zigs and zags too much and doesn't know what he's doing in-game

Joe Maddon has lost his fucking mind because he brought in John Lackey... And you brought him in in the ninth in a tie game with a runner on second. And, oh, would you look at that? John Lackey gave up a game-winning home run... He's zigging and zagging. He doesn't know he's weaving. He's all over the road.

Joe Maddon is not a great in-game manager

I don't think he's that great in-game. I think he's pretty good at rallying a team and getting a team together and getting the most out of a young team, but I would say in-game he leaves a little to desire.

The Dodgers will fold if the Cubs push them because California teams are soft

As long as [the Cubs] win two games at Wrigley... I still think the Dodgers, if you push them a little, they'll start to fold. They're a little soft. [Because they're from California?]. That would be correct.

You are statistically less likely to get a concussion without a helmet because you protect your head more

I think you're actually statistically less likely to get a concussion when you're not wearing a helmet. [PFT]: Agree, because you protect your head more. That's a basic fact of human reaction to things.

Mike Gundy and Kliff Kingsbury are too pretty to be 'football guys'

Mike Gundy's in really good shape. I don't like that... The mullet has gone to his head... Kliff Kingsbury's another one like that... where he looks too nice. You can't look that nice and that pretty and be a football guy. You're a fake-ass football guy.

Jon Jones is the greatest MMA fighter of all time

I think [Jon Jones] is the greatest of all time. I think if he had done everything the way he should have, he'd be a huge superstar. He might even be the heavyweight champion of the world.

Ronda Rousey is underrated for what she built in women's MMA

Underrated. Look at what she did. Look at what she built. She started it all... That whole combination of what she was is what built the women's mixed martial arts world. It's like a chicken and the egg phenomenon.

If Johnny Hendricks loses at UFC 217, he should retire

I think [Hendricks] would have to start looking at retirement. [if he loses].

Conor McGregor's next fight will probably be against Tony Ferguson in Las Vegas

It's probably going to be Tony Ferguson in Las Vegas. But we do want to do Croke Park. The reason we haven't done Croke Park yet with Conor is because we can't get it done over there... they have noise ordinances.

Hugh Jackson will lose the power struggle with the Browns front office

When you know the front office and the coach are on the outs with each other... only one can survive... I think Hugh's going to lose that power struggle.

We should stop learning because mini-collisions in the brain make you dumber

Why don't we go after math? Why don't we go after learning? Because when you think about it, all learning is is a bunch of electrons running into each other. A lot of mini collisions inside your head probably makes you dumber in the long term. Basically like playing the offensive line.

Instant replay should be abolished in sports

I think we should actually get rid of instant replay. All together, just give it all the power back to the refs and the umps... I feel like I watch instant replays more than I watch sports now.

DC sports are officially cursed

As a fan of the Nationals and the Capitals, I'm beginning to think maybe somebody from DC Sports went back in time and stepped in a Kardashian or something... It's cursed. At this point we can say maybe Mark Rypien got, what's her name, the matriarch of the Kardashian family, got her pregnant and then had an abortion or something.

The replay rule for runners coming off the bag is the worst rule in baseball

It worked in the Cubs' favor, but I think it's the worst rule in baseball when a guy comes off of a bag and they hold a slide for like a second longer and he's off by a centimeter and they watch a million replays like, yeah, you know what? He was out.

The MLB playoffs are rigged for big markets

The final four cities represented in baseball, New York, L.A., Chicago, Houston. Those are the four biggest cities in America. The four biggest markets... Bud Selig at it again.

Ernie Johnson and Ron Darling are the least electric duo to call an elimination game

Ernie Johnson and Ron Darling. Maybe the least electric duo to call an elimination game in sports. It sounded like they were just hanging out... It sounded like Ernie Johnson was on the phone with his wife in the other hand, and then he'd just pop into the mic and be like, that's a double.

I miss Joe Buck's 'big game' voice

I'm going to say it. I miss Joe Buck... Joe Buck has a big game voice. That's a fact. Yeah, he could say the exact same things that Ernie Johnson says, but there's something about Joe Buck. You hear that voice, and you know what? It's pageantry.

Cam Newton stinks again

Cam Newton stinks again. Well, that's not entirely true. Okay. He kind of stinks. He likes to go up and down. I feel like when Cam, when everyone's like, ooh, Cam's putting it all together. He's like, hey, guys, watch this. Hey, hold my avocado. Watch this. Because he's a millennial. He's going to fucking just throw three interceptions and look like trash.

Mitchell Trubisky and the Bears will cover +6.5 against the Ravens

Taking our boy, Mitchell. Mitchell Trubisky. Plus six and a half... The Bears, are we sure they're bad with Mitchell Trubisky? This is a breakout game. They've covered the spread.

The 49ers will cover +10.5 against the Redskins

I learned my lesson. I'm not going to take any D.C. teams, so I'm taking the 49ers to cover double digits [against the Redskins]. They're due.

The Steelers will cover +4.5 against the Chiefs

I'm going to do the rat line of the week, the wonky game of the week. I'm taking the Steelers plus 4.5 [against the Chiefs]. It makes no sense... Vegas doesn't know what to do about that.

Barstool Van Talk on ESPN2 is the biggest opportunity we've ever had

We see this as probably the biggest opportunity we've ever had. And we know what's at stake for our entire company and for all the people that we work with and care about.

Big Ben will have a big game against the Chiefs because he's too dumb to realize he stinks

Big Ben is too dumb to realize he stinks now. That's why he's going to come out. He's going to throw all over the field. Big Ben, he's fatter than Andy Reid now. That's a win for Big Ben.

Ricardo Lewis is a legitimate fantasy sleeper because of his target share

Ricardo Lewis. Great name, even better value. Pick him up. He has the most targets on the [Browns] this year.

Umpires are more likely to be lenient with Trevor Bauer because he supports Donald Trump

I think he would be more likely to be a successful pitcher as a Trump supporter because I'm going to go out on a limb and say that most umpires are probably Trump supporters. Blue Lives Matter. That's what they call umpires... I feel like Country Joe [West] might be pulling the lever for Trump... umpires would be more likely to be lenient with a Trump-supporting pitcher.

The Tim Hortons Buffalo Wing Sauce Latte will make you shit yourself

There's a big problem with combining greasy, spicy food with something that naturally speeds up your bowels like a latte. So those two together are going to have some synergy where you're going to have to drink it on the toilet.

Mark Brunell is dead to Jaguars fans because he cried on TV

This is actually a fun fact for most Jaguars fans out there. Mark Brunell's dead to us. Yeah, because he cried... about football... you can't cry about that.

Whataburger's actual burgers are trash

Whataburger is trash... Whenever you talk about a burger joint, you're talking about the burger. You can't say you've got to try Whataburger, but the chicken's really good. I know this great rib joint, but you've got to try the salmon.

Jared Goff is currently a better quarterback than Blake Bortles

[I'm taking] Jared Goff [over Blake Bortles]. I mean, because the Jags only threw one pass in the second half last week... so I feel like if your team... it's a game manager.

NFL teams should have a college game ready to play on 12 hours notice if a baseball playoff game gets rained out

So why doesn't the Sun Belt... [if] there's a rain out of an important baseball game, they should have a game ready to go on 12 hours notice.