Takes

MLB locker rooms shouldn't allow bloggers or fanboys inside

They're letting a lot of people in the clubhouses that shouldn't be in the clubhouses... They're letting guys in there that have no fucking clue. Fanboys. I don't respect those guys until they give me the respect back.

Wade Davis is better than Aroldis Chapman if he can stay healthy

Wade Davis is better than Aroldis Chapman if he can stay healthy. And I know that's a big if... if he can stay healthy, he is probably the best closer in baseball.

The Mets should lean into 'Dildo Gate' and make it their official 'Rally Dildo' mascot

Number one, you just got to own the dildo... You got to make it. It's our rally dildo now. It's like the rally monkey, right? [Big Cat]: And then rally dildo, then you have dildo night. First 10,000 in the door, get a dildo.

If you claim you were hacked on Twitter, you should tweet vile things to make it look real

If you want to say you got hacked... before you do that just start tweeting out the craziest most vile swastikas dick pics own it just get go insane the weird links... It's so easy to actually fake like you got hacked instead of just saying, whoops, I got hacked.

If something is more expensive, that means it's better

If something's more expensive, that means it's better, right? Correct. Without a doubt. Like Fyre Fest tickets. That was the best concert of all time.

My book 'How to Win a Fist Fight' would just be a hollowed-out book with a knife inside

We are going to sell a book called How to Win a Fist Fight, and it's just inside the book. It's carved out, and it's just a knife... Step one, take this knife out. Step two, stab the guy in the face. Step three, you won your fist fight.

Never fight someone with an outie belly button or someone who wrestled in high school

Never fight someone who, two rules in life, never fight someone who wrestled in high school, never fight someone with an outie belly button. Those are two rules I live by right there.

Kelly Olynyk's face makes people want to punch him the moment he steps on the court

He's the kind of guy that steps on the court and everybody wants to punch him from the get-go. You're looking for an excuse. When Kelly Olynyk is on the court with you, you're taking any excuse that you can get to just punch him in the face.

Isaiah Thomas should get a gold tooth or no teeth at all to save money on mouthguards

I think [Isaiah Thomas] should go no teeth overall. Gold tooth. Save a shitload of money on mouthguards.

The Raptors are a joke of a franchise

The Raptors are a joke. I love our Canadian listeners, but the Raptors are a joke of a franchise. Can we just agree with that?

Utah Jazz coach Quin Snyder looks like he has cocaine oozing out of his pores.

Quinn Snyder sweating all the time and just cocaine oozing out of his pores. I don't know if he actually uses cocaine, but you have to admit he looks like he does. I'm a fan of that.

95% of sports teams end their season in heartbreak

Caring about sports is overrated... People forget that 95% of teams lose at the end of the season. Their season ends in heartbreak. I don't know if I did the math right. It's about 95%.

The Capitals will win Game 5 and 6 because they don't let their fans die that easily

I have a theory, and I told you this theory today. I think the Caps are going to win game five and six because the Capitals have that knack. They're not going to let their fans die that easy.

The 'Crosby Theory': A team gets better after losing its best player

I think it's fair to ask now if the Penguins are better without Sidney Crosby... If you lose your best player, but your team gets better, the Crosby theory.

Patch (the one-eyed horse) has zero chance of winning the Kentucky Derby.

What I told the people at NBC, if that horse [Patch] wins the Kentucky Derby, I'm going to immediately jump off the set. The heck with the TV show. I'm going to run down to the winner's circle and get my picture made with Patch. I love the horse, [but he's going to be 40-1].

Classic Empire is bad value for the Kentucky Derby

He's going to be the favorite, and he might be the favorite, and he's not going to be worth the shorter price. [No bet on Classic Empire].

Hence is a strong value play at 20-1 for the Kentucky Derby

Whether it's muddy or whether it's not muddy, you want a horse that's got a good chance at a decent price. His name is Hence... He's going to be 20 to 1... Steve Asmussen has never won the Kentucky Derby, but he's one of the best trainers in America, and he's overdue.

Looking at Lee is a great longshot to include in trifectas and superfectas for the Kentucky Derby.

I think the most likely [longshot] is a horse it's going to be a big price, his name is Looking at Lee. He'll like the distance, he'll just keep coming, keep coming. And he's a good horse to put in third and fourth in those trifectas and superfectas.

Abel Tasman is a strong play to win or run well in the Kentucky Oaks.

Another [horse] called Abel Tasman, trained by Bob Baffert. Those are two horses that have also run pretty well from slightly off the pace, and that ought to play pretty well in the Oaks.

There is a chance the world ends before 2018

Yeah, of course. I mean, [fifth-year option money] is money that I will probably never see. I think it's for like 2018. I think there's a chance that it [the world] could [end]. Either that or something else could happen.

You shouldn't have a holiday to celebrate defeating the French army because everyone does it

Basically, Mexico beat France in a battle... Everyone beats France in battles. You shouldn't have a holiday to celebrate defeating the French army. That's a participation trophy that you're giving yourself.

Cinco de Mayo is just an excuse for Americans to drink beer

I don't even think they [Mexicans] know that Cinco de Mayo is a thing. It's kind of, I think, just a excuse for the rest of the world to drink. And that beer, it says beer companies were actually, once they started diving in... it kind of took off.

Mexico saved the Union in the Civil War by preventing a French-Confederate alliance at the Battle of Puebla.

If France had defeated Mexico in that battle [Puebla], France was going to take the side of the Confederacy in the U.S. Civil War. And so Mexico kind of saved the United States.

The Kentucky Derby is infringing on Chris Berman's 'Fastest Two Minutes' trademark

I just want to say a little cease and desist to the Kentucky Derby. They're infringing a little bit on our good friend Chris Berman's trademark of the fastest two minutes in sports.

Tyronn Lue has Stockholm Syndrome and has absorbed LeBron James's mentality

It sounds to me like he [Tyronn Lue] has Stockholm Syndrome. Because this is something that LeBron James would say about himself. Like, leading this Cavs team is the hardest job... I think he's kind of absorbed his stars mentality a little bit.

Big Baller Brand shoes look like old guy catering shoes

They do look like old guy shoes. They've got that non-slip look to them like you might see in a crab restaurant. Actually, you know what? When you get a job as a caterer, they're like, everyone needs to wear shoes that look like this.

Jay Cutler would be a good broadcaster if he is self-deprecating

Jay Cutler's thinking about going in the booth. So I'm excited for it. I think if Jay is honest and self-deprecating... I actually think he'd be good.

The red bathing suit Instagram campaign is a viral ad for the Baywatch movie

The Baywatch movie is coming out in like a month... This is a viral ad for the Baywatch movie. This is easy. This is too easy.

You need 100,000 followers and a blue checkmark to officially be an 'Instagram Model'

I'm going to say you need 100K... I think it used to be back in the day like 10K. These tea companies are wising up... 100K, I think that's when you can officially call yourself an Instagram model.

The best strategy for a college group project is to skip the meetings and volunteer to be the presenter.

This is why if you're ever in a group situation in college, just stop going to class. Then volunteer to be the presenter. Like, 'I'm really good in front of people, I'll do the heavy lifting and get in front of the class.' That's the most nerve-wracking part. Just get sporadic emails thrown into there so people know you're still working on the project, even if you have absolutely no value.

The 'Suck My Dick' catchphrase was a mistake and is officially retired from the show.

We're done with the suck my dick. We've decided that it was a really bad choice on our part. This is what's been happening recently is award-winning listeners have been coming up to me and be like, 'I want to say it, but I can't.' So just do that. Just go up to people and be like, 'I want to say it, but I can't.'

Isaiah Thomas might not be a great second-half player, but rather a terrible first-half player

I think what we're overlooking here when we talk about Isaiah's great second-half performances is he might be the worst NBA point guard in the first quarter... I'm not ready to say that [Isaiah Thomas] is a great second-half player. I think he might just be a really shitty first-half player.

The Cavaliers are going to sweep the Raptors

The Cavs are going to sweep the Raptors. Get us to the conference final. Get us to the finals.

Sidney Crosby was only injured because there is a lack of fighting in modern hockey

The real issue is Sidney Crosby only got hit in his head like that because there's not as much fighting in hockey as there used to be. Because if this was back in the good old days, then players would know you can't go after another player's head like that. So the Penguins, they're too big of pussies. And they have no enforcer, so they are the ones that got Sidney Crosby injured.

The Capitals deserve an asterisk if they win the Stanley Cup this year

Capitals, do whatever you got to do, asterisks. Rest of the playoffs, asterisk... If they win the cup, I want an asterisk.

Marc-Andre Fleury is a 'snowflake'

Now, on the other hand, you have Marc-Andre Fleury. He's a snowflake. That's why they call him Fleury, because he's a big snowflake, and he got iced up.

Alex Smith has had a long career of being, for the most part, shitty

He had a long career, and for the most part, he was shitty. [Alex Smith's] byline. That's Alex Smith's byline.

Mint Juleps are overrated drinks that you only want half of

Mint julep is the ultimate drink where you get really excited about having them on Derby Day... then by the time you get halfway done, you're like, I'll just take a beer.

The Raptors have a 7% chance to beat the Cavaliers

I think they're going to muddy it up... Two over five. Seven percent chance.

The Rockets are a fun team and have a chance to make the series interesting against the Spurs

I'm super high on the Rockets... once they [the Spurs] calm down sort of and sort of get back within themselves and play first basketball, it will be a more interesting series. I'm still high on the Rockets.

Greg Popovich will complain about James Harden flopping during their series

Pop is going to complain about James Harden flopping at some point in the series in his very Pop way... about how James Harden kind of jumps into defenders when shooting threes.

The Warriors will miss Steve Kerr in the later rounds of the playoffs

Steve is the one who is able to sort of maestro all of that along. I think they will miss it in the later rounds as the competition gets tougher... it is a delicate thing over there.

Trading Jimmy Butler would be 'categorically insane' for the Bulls

The idea of trading Jimmy Butler is so absolutely categorically insane.

The Matt Niskanen hit on Sidney Crosby was reactionary, not intentional

I think it was more of a reactionary thing from Niskanen, and Sid was kind of falling down as his stick got up... I just don't think that he's intentionally at all trying to get him in the face or the neck or the head.

Cristiano Ronaldo's goals are easy and anyone could do them

I could fucking do that. Left footed. He's a finisher. Who isn't? We all finish.

Lane Kiffin is thinking too hard

Lane's thinking too hard. Let's just say that. He's thinking a little too hard.

Getting a cold is the worst thing on earth

Because getting a cold is the worst thing on earth. Because every time I get sick, I'm like, I'm never going to be healthy again. A little dramatic, I admit, but what happens if you actually don't ever get healthy again?

Losing by four goals in the playoffs is better than losing in a heartbreaker

I would rather we lose the game by four goals than lose the game in a heartbreak or an overtime. That's demoralizing. Because now it's like you're a little bit embarrassed. You've got that chip on your shoulder in game three.

The Capitals will be worse next year because they won't be able to keep their current roster together

I'm pretty sure the Capitals, I haven't gone deep into their cap next year, but I'm pretty sure they won't be able to bring everyone back. They won't be able to make a bunch of trades. They're probably not going to be as good. So next year, you probably won't think it's your year.

The city of Edmonton does not actually exist

I don't think the town of Edmonton actually exists. I don't know anyone that's ever been there. I'm a big-time Edmonton truther. The whole city is filled with crisis actors.