Takes

Pregnancy is technically a performance enhancing drug for athletes

Serena Williams how she got pregnant and how being pregnant is technically a performance enhancing drug because she has more blood in her system because she's not on the dot anymore and since she has more blood she's got more red blood cells which means she's circulating oxygen at a higher rate.

One hour of Facebook use per day leads to worse mental health

Harvard Business Review published a study, and they said that everyone who uses one hour or more of Facebook per day has markedly worse mental health in their life, which is why I don't use Facebook anymore.

The New York Jets will lock up the number one pick of the 2018 NFL Draft

The New York Jets and Bryce Petty are free-falling down the standings as New York locks up the number one pick of the 2018 NFL Draft.

I'm disappointed there is no Jaguars vs. Titans Thursday night color rush game this year

I'm not mad, I'm just disappointed in [the NFL]. Because for the first time in what feels like 10 years, there's no... Jaguars, Titans, Thursday night color rush. That's so fucked up. It's really massive. That was probably my favorite game of mid-October every year.

The Buffalo Bills will finish the season 5-11

I'm going to give it to you real easy. Bills are going to go 5-11.

The Cleveland Browns will win only two games this year

And the Browns are going to win two games.

The Blackhawks have no chance to win the series after Game 2

The Blackhawks had no chance after game two. Did they score a goal? They scored a couple goals. They actually doubled. No, they scored, what, three goals in the series. That's pretty good.

The Capitals will sweep the Penguins in the next round of the playoffs

I've taken my fingers so far off the panic button. I've got ones in the air right now. I've got my finger in the air calling it. We're going to sweep the Penguins. Next round. I'm not even concerned with Maple Leafs anymore.

I am concerned about the Blackhawks' aging core and bad contracts

I actually – I don't want to get too deep into it, but I do think there are issues at hand. They were – It was one of those situations where they had a lot of old guys, a lot of young guys... And I am concerned about some of the contracts. Let's just say that.

The Pacers will fire their coach again next year after losing in the second round

You know what I'm really looking forward to is next year when the Pacers lose in the second round next year. They're going to make it to the second, and then they'll fire their coach again because the Pacers always think that they can do better at coach.

If the Celtics win the next game handily, they will win the series against the Bulls

I think if [the Celtics] can win the next game handily, they can win the series.

Mike Glennon will definitely win the NFL MVP this year

Is this the year Mike Glennon wins the MVP? Yes, definitely. Yes. Just saying weird things are afoot.

Sidney Crosby and the Penguins have the Capitals' number

I thought if the Caps could overcome this, they would do okay. But, man, Sidney Crosby and the Pens have their number, man.

The Nashville Predators are my pick to come out of the Western Conference

I mean, I like St. Louis, too, but I think Nashville just looks too good right now. That's who I would pick.

The NBA playoffs are predictable and the first round is a joke

I mean, the only thing I don't like about basketball is just like it's pretty predictable who's going to the conference final. It's never really a surprise. So it's just the first round's a joke. Does anyone even pay attention until the conference finals?

LeBron James feels scripted and forced compared to the cool cockiness of Michael Jordan

I respect [LeBron] as an athlete... I just feel like he's a little scripted. Everything he does is calculated where I feel like people compare him to Jordan where I'm like, Jordan was so much cooler. He just carried that cool cockiness where I feel like, it's forced by LeBron.

Tiger Woods is actually getting hair transplant surgery or steroids, not back surgery

Tiger had a fourth back surgery. I have a stay woke on that... I think he's actually getting hair transplant surgery and he's calling it back surgery... Or steroids. He's getting a steroid implanted in his body.

Running backs are better when they are dumb because they don't feel pain

If you're a running back, guess what? I like my running backs dumb. They're better when they're dumb. There's a reason Barry Sanders retired early, and Emmitt Smith got the record, because Barry started realizing... When you're smarter, you can tell when your body's hurt, and then you're like, hey, I better not play football anymore. When you're dumb, you don't feel pain.

Mike Gundy has decided to be a crazy person for the rest of his career as a branding move

I think what happened was he went out and he saw how good it felt to say something crazy and be perceived as like a crazy dangerous person in public that he's like you know what I'm just going to be fucking nuts for the rest of my career that's my brand that's what I'm going with I'm going to out crazy Mike Leach.

Being pregnant is technically a performance enhancing drug for female athletes due to blood retention and the 'glow'

Also, when chicks don't have their period, they retain more blood. This is a fact. That was blood doping... they have more blood in their body, which carries the oxygen to their cells faster... technically, being pregnant is a PED.

The Capitals need the Blackhawks to win some games so they aren't the only story of disappointment in the first round

The Capitals need the Blackhawks to win at least a couple games because the Blackhawks, as it stands right now, getting swept, will be the story of the first round in terms of disappointment and people laughing at something.

The Capitals will still win their series against the Maple Leafs

I still think the Capitals are going to win the series. I do. I really do. ... I watched the Capitals versus the Leafs and I was like, the Capitals are the better team. They turtled at the end there. They look like the better team.

The Blackhawks will not come back against the Predators

The Blackhawks are the worst team by far in that series. The Predators have taken it to them every single period. Nine out of ten periods, they've just dominated them. So that's one of those ones like, Blackhawks aren't going to come back. They're not.

The Maple Leafs play hockey like kids having sex

I will say this about the Maple Leafs. They... play hockey like their kids, like the same way that kids have sex. ... kids get out there and they start fucking and they're like, I'm going to go a million miles an hour and just go fast and score. That's what the Leafs do. So they come out and they skate too fast and they go a hundred miles an hour. They'll burn out.

The Celtics look lost without a 100% focused Isaiah Thomas

But for Isaiah Thomas, who's clearly the Celtics' number one option in the heart and soul of the entire team, for him to not be 100% focused and 100% there for obvious reasons... it just makes the team look lost. You can just tell they're not fully in sync.

Oakland is a bad sports town

Oakland's a bad sports town. Derek Carr said that fans that don't follow the Oakland Raiders to Las Vegas aren't good fans. ... You have to admit that he's right. ... Oakland has... a big enough sense entitlement as it is. ... Oakland come on get your shit together.

Paul George's rivalry with LeBron James is completely manufactured

All rivalries pale in comparison to the Paul George-LeBron James rivalry. ... Paul George said that his rivalry with LeBron James is for the culture. ... a crazy rivalry that I don't think anyone including LeBron James knew existed. ... it's kind of like what we're doing with that snowflake cuck Mark Cuban just creating a rivalry out of nowhere.

The 2017 Cavaliers stunk in the regular season and look like the Heat team that lost the Finals in five games

This is not a very good team the way they've played down the stretch run. They are no longer the number one seed in their conference... it kind of feels like [LeBron's last year in Miami] is a scenario we could wind up this year, too.

LeBron James should be in the GOAT conversation with Michael Jordan

I'm one of these guys who says that LeBron should be in the conversation with Jordan. ... Michael Jordan, probably the best NBA player of all time... but [LeBron] should be in the conversation.

Closers in baseball are used incorrectly by only pitching the ninth inning

Closers are not used well today. It's stupid to only come in the ninth inning. It's because you have the statistic 'the save' that actually measures things badly. ... You should be using them in the most high-leverage situation of the game.

Offensive linemen who don't wear sleeves in the cold are tougher than the ones who do

My favorite sabermetric stat is offensive linemen that don't wear sleeves are tougher than the ones that do. Especially in the cold weather. If you wear sleeves, you're a pussy.

James Harden has perfected the ability to get fouled whenever he wants

James has this unique ability to actually get fouled whenever he wants. It's unbelievable. He's asking for it. I don't know how he does it, but he has perfected it. ... If we're playing situational games in practice... I'll stick my arm out and he'll run through it and he can stop and start so quick... he does look for his little angles in practice to perfect it in a game.

I'm a Packer through and through and Aaron Rodgers is excited about the team's new weapons

He's back in Green Bay getting ready for the season. He's been enjoying himself... He's excited. He likes the weapons we're getting. I'm a Packer through and through.

The San Antonio River Walk is overrated and trashy

They are very proud of Alamo and a river that has trash in it. ... The river walk's overrated. ... Every building is gray and it's never sunny.

The MLB should use a radar gun to decide tied games after 13 innings

Just have a radar gun and just each team gets 10 throws. Fastest throw wins. Fastest combined average score. ... all nine players on the field have to throw. So whoever in the game... you get to see fun shit like first baseman throw and stuff.

LeBron James has a fake Instagram account for creeping on people

LeBron said that Coachella looked fun, but LeBron isn't on any social media. ... ZeroDark3023. So no Twitter, no Instagram, but Coachella looked fun. ... LeBron James has a Finstagram out there that he uses to creep on people. He has a fake Instagram. ... Shocker. LeBron James, not on social media, but says that Coachella looked fun. Hmm.

Aaron Rodgers is plagiarizing Jack Handey SNL quotes on Twitter

I'm going to read you a tweet that Aaron put out yesterday. 'If trees could scream, would we be so cavalier about cutting them down? We might if they screamed all the time for no good reason.' ... Guess what? It's actually plagiarism, bro. That's Jack Handey. That was from SNL Deep Thoughts. No attribution given whatsoever.

The US has never bombed a country that could play basketball (The NBA War Theory)

We've never bombed a country that could play basketball. It's true. It's the NBA war theory.

I am not worried about the Capitals losing home-ice advantage to the Maple Leafs

I'm not worried at all. It's not time to press the panic button. My overtime genes are still 1-0 in single overtime. I'd just like to point that out.

A block is the new dunk in basketball

Quick embrace debate: is a block the new dunk? [PFT: Yes. I think so, too.] I do think that the way [Draymond Green] was blocking guys, that was better than more momentum than a huge ruckus dunk.

The Wizards are going to win their series against the Hawks easily

John Wall is really good at basketball... He's very good. The Wizards are going to win easily.

It is okay to be a fair-weather fan

My who's back of the week is fairweather fans... I think it's okay to be a Fairweather fan. I don't like the people that come out of the woodwork being like, oh, you only cheers for the Bruins in the playoffs.

LeBron James has never actually read The Godfather book

You read the Godfather book for the 7,000th time in a row, even though I don't think you ever read it the first time.

Leicester City winning the Premier League was crazier than the Cubs or Cavs championships

[Leicester winning] was by far of those four. That's like kind of what we want people to compare... Leicester City, that was freaking weird, especially given how they're not very good this year either.

Improvement in pitchers is less suspicious than hitters developing late-career power

With pitchers, pitching is such a funny thing that I kind of am not suspicious when a pitcher all of a sudden gets good... But for a hitter to suddenly develop power... It's definitely weird to see guys improving at age 36.

The San Antonio Spurs are the most impressive franchise in American sports history

The Spurs are the most impressive franchise in the history of American professional sports, right? They've been good for, like, 25 of the last 26 years.

Russell Westbrook is the obvious choice for NBA MVP

To me, Westbrook is the kind of obvious answer, I guess. And Harden is the second most obvious answer... Leonard seems like it's overthinking it a little bit.

I would still take the Cavaliers to win the East over the Celtics, Raptors, or Wizards, even though my model ranks them lower

My brain says LeBron is unbelievable every spring. ... No, I would take the Cavs out of that bunch [Celtics, Raptors, Wizards], obviously. ... I would take the Cavs out of that bunch, obviously.

Jimmy Butler is a slightly better player than Paul George

I think [Jimmy] Butler is a pinch better [than Paul George].

NBA bench depth beyond the 8th man doesn't matter in the playoffs

The [ten-man depth] does not matter. I'm a big believer in the seven and eight teams. ... If none of these ten guys can beat LeBron, what the hell does it matter?