Takes

The Bulls will give the Celtics a good series in the first round

I think the Bulls are going to give the Celtics a really good series.

John Madden is actually dead and the NFL uses fake quotes for PR

The theory of this show is that John Madden has been dead for years and that the NFL just uses fake John Madden quotes for PR. Anytime you want to get real football fans behind you, just tell them that John Madden says it's like this.

The Falcons technically won the Super Bowl according to Bill Belichick's math

[Belichick's] exact quote was really at halftime the game is two thirds over because the fourth quarter is just situational football. So spin zone, the Falcons technically won the Super Bowl.

Bill Belichick missing a court subpoena is the ultimate 'baller' move

He was subpoenaed during the Aaron Hernandez double murder trial, and he just didn't show up in court... That's genius. That's Belichick just being a baller... He treated it like he had a late movie to Blockbuster, not a fucking murder trial subpoena.

Eli Manning definitely committed fraud with the game-worn gear scandal

He did commit fraud. That's okay. What he should do is just come out and be like, hey, guys, I committed fraud. That's on me.

I am currently on a hot streak of fixing things around the house

For 42 and a half of those years, I couldn't fix anything. But all of a sudden, in the last year or so, I got hot. I was touching things, and instead of breaking them, I was fixing them. And I even amazed myself.

The internet is too cynical about new jerseys and the Lions' grays aren't that bad

I think they're fine. I think they're good. This is what the internet does. They just release something and then everyone says that's awful and then everyone just jumps on it. The grays don't look that bad.

The internet's cynical reaction to the Lions' new uniforms is overblown

The internet is so cynical all the time that it's like they literally are the same uniforms as the old uniforms. They just have a William Clay Ford tribute on them... You've got to save good jokes for times when they're worth it.

The Cleveland Indians should retire Chief Wahoo and just sell throwbacks for profit

I also don't know why they don't. They just get rid of it. Do the C. Do the block C. And then just sell it as throwbacks. You can still make money off it. Just like, you know what, guys, you're right. It's 2016. We need to do a better job with this logo. And then in a year, be like throwback night.

Coach K is using bizarre 'freshman roommate' pitches to recruit Zion Williamson

This is a weird move by Coach K. He's telling Zion Williamson, at a school like Duke, it's tough to get in. So he said, you never know who you could be living with. You might be on the hall with a person who will be the president one day or a brain surgeon.

The Raiders' Black Hole in Las Vegas will be corporate and terrible

Talking about the black hole in Las Vegas just bummed me out because you know it's going to be all corporate. It's going to be the Harrah's blackjack black hole or something like that, and it's going to suck. This is the first time I've thought about the Raiders moving to Vegas and being like, eh.

Coachella is just Burning Man for millennial social media kids

It's burning man for millennial social media kids because... I look on Instagram and it's like all these very attractive young ladies like, oh, can't wait for Coachella. And I'm just thinking, you're not a music festival person. You're not going to go tent for three days and live in shit.

Indianapolis is the true 'Barstool America' because it's stereotypical heartland

We Oxford Dictionary-ed what America is. Stereotypically American was the answer, and I said, well, I think that's more like everything I do in my life... I'm all about the heartland here. And even New York City, boy, has grown on me... but when I got here, I really thought I was in foreign land.

Buffalo Wild Wings is making a comeback with larger wings

Their wings got bad there for a little while. They're coming back, though. The wings are good. They got bigger wings.

Having 15 bridesmaids in a wedding is ridiculous and impossible

I think anytime you reach double digits, it's like, holy shit, what's going on here? ... Nobody has that many friends. If you have 12 people in your wedding, that means that either you're just trying way too hard to please people or it just means that you're rich and all your friends are using you for your money.

Swallowing dip spit is significantly worse than drinking pee

I would... I would beer bong three solid urination trips over taking one sip of dip, spit, and swallowing.

You have to suck for a long time before you are allowed to be good in the NBA

I'm a big pay your dues guy. So I can appreciate that. You have to suck for a while before you're allowed to be good at it. Those are the rules. It took Jesus like 30 years before he started washing whores' feet and making miracles. You got to pay your dues. You got to go out there. You got to be a carpenter for a while before you can be a messiah.

Chris Paul's legacy will be as the best point guard in the league who also liked to punch people in the balls

His [Chris Paul's] legacy is going to be like, when he was healthy, he was the best point guard in the league and also liked to punch people in the balls.

The Clippers are officially in America's 'friend zone'

Here's the thing about the Clippers. They're not a threat to do anything. They're in the friend zone. They're in America's friend zone... I'm totally comfortable with them taking me home on a late night and walking me back. I know it's going to be a hug and I'm going to go into my house.

The Cavaliers are scared of the Bulls and punted the number one seed to avoid them

Are the Cavs scared of the Bulls? Because it all signs point to yes they have punted on the number one seed which means we have the inter podcast matchup Celtics-Bulls.

The Bulls will win exactly one game in their playoff series against the Celtics

They're [the Bulls] going to win one game. That was talking Bulls.

The Capitals' only weakness is that their red is 'Russian Red'

Tell me a weakness that the Washington Capitals have. They're not candy ass colors, their red is dominant. It's Russian red, so there's your weakness right there. You can't win a Stanley Cup with a Russian.

Betting over/unders in NHL playoffs is the biggest rush in gambling due to empty netters

My favorite part about the NHL playoffs is betting the over-unders. There's no bigger rush in gambling than the last minute empty netters.

AJ McCarron's sushi restaurant will be a huge hit in Tuscaloosa

AJ McCarron's getting into the game... He's opening a sushi restaurant in Tuscaloosa, Alabama... It's called Agent Sushi... I'm sure it will be a big hit in Tuscaloosa. It seems like a big sushi crowd.

Atlanta is primarily a college football town rather than a pro sports town

It is a football town. I mean, you know, it's more of a college football state it really is... Saturdays in the fall are all about them dogs. That's by Alabama, the University of Georgia.

I wouldn't be opposed to the NBA shortening the 82-game regular season

Well, I wouldn't be opposed to shortening it [the NBA season] a little bit. I think the bigger issue of rest and all that is what you have to address first.

No team besides the Spurs, Warriors, or Cavaliers has a real chance to win the NBA title this year

Can you give us a team, not named the Spurs, Warriors, or Cavs, that can win the NBA title this year? [Ernie]: No.

If forced to pick a sleeper team for the title, the Wizards are the only other option

If I have to name one [other team to win], Wizards.

United Airlines should fix its PR by making people horny with porn links

If you make us horny, guess what? We're not angry anymore... Just tweet out porn. Be like, hey, it's now being reported that this guy was a porn freak or something. Be like, hey, you know who else was a porn freak? United. And then just start giving us free links.

United Airlines should become the presenting sponsor for the UFC to embrace their 'dragging' reputation

I had one go the self-deprecation route and become a UFC sponsor, like the presenting sponsor for UFC. That'd be pretty funny.

Tony Romo's legacy is taking a hit because he looks unathletic and has man breasts

Tony Romo's legacy is taking a hit from this because, one, he looks super unathletic. Two, part of that is I now see that he has man breasts.

Tony Romo is a coward if he doesn't check into the Mavericks game

I'd just like to say that if Tony Romo doesn't play, if he doesn't choose coach out to get in that game, he's a coward. Doesn't love the game.

The Patriots brought in Adrian Peterson specifically to injure him so no one else could sign him

The Patriots specifically just brought Peterson in to try to injure him in a workout so that no other team could get him.

Sergio Garcia will repeat as Masters champion next year

I'm going to plant my flag in the ground right now and call it. I actually think Sergio is going to repeat next year. Okay, I think he's going back to...

Jordan Spieth should keep losing The Masters so he doesn't have to take his hat off and show he's balding

When you don't win the Masters, you don't have to take off your hat and show everyone that you're 23 years old and already balding... Like, until you get the hair plugs, until you're ready to take the leap and get the hair plugs, maybe just keep losing Masters so you don't have to take the hat off.

Tony Romo will eventually make it to a Super Bowl as a broadcaster for CBS

Tony Romo hasn't thrown an interception in over a year. Tony Romo is going to be in a Super Bowl eventually. [On] CBS.

This is the year the Washington Capitals finally win the Stanley Cup

Caps year. Caps are next. Yeah, Caps year. Everything is... it's one of those weird, this is like the sign of the apocalypse.

The Masters weekend is the best nap weekend of the year

The Masters weekend is the best nap weekend of the year, in my opinion... instead of like a phone sex hotline for dads there should just be a nap hotline where they 1-900 big naps it's just the Masters music and Jim Nantz saying hello friends.

The display of sportsmanship between Sergio Garcia and Justin Rose at The Masters was sickening and gross

Sergio and Justin Rose coming down the last few holes, they were rooting for each other almost to a sickening point. They were high-fiving each other. They were basically cheering each other on. It was gross. It was like Little League Baseball. Like, where everyone gets to play and, like, everyone has to say, like, the scouts honor after. It was gross.

Hockey playoffs in Canada are higher stakes because they have nothing else

Hockey playoffs in Canada, that crowd, I mean, it's basically like live or die because they don't have anything else. Usually die, though. It's Drake and the Raptors losing in the first round. That's the only two things that Toronto has.

The Knicks plus 12.5 against the Grizzlies was the worst gambling beat of all time

The Knicks were plus 12.5 against the Grizzlies. The game was over. The Knicks were down 10. They were covering. The Grizzlies were just dribbling the ball out. And then with, like, three seconds left, the Grizzlies player threw up a 40-footer just as, like, kind of a fun shot as time expired. Nothing but net. They won by 13.

The Pimento Cheese sandwich at Augusta is overrated

I'm on record as saying it's not my thing. I tried it because it's like, hey, when in Rome, but when I... I'm a consistency person, and if I don't like the consistency then I'm just not going to be able to get with it, and pimento and cheese just doesn't work for me.

Tiger Woods will never win the Masters again

Do I think he's going to win this tournament again? I don't. No, I don't think he's going to.

Steph Curry's 'Oxblood' shoes look like footwear for a baptism in juvenile detention

The shoes look like something that you would wear to a baptism if you were in juvenile detention.

Under Armour deliberately releases bad shoe photos for the publicity

I do think that Steph Curry, there's an element where Under Armour is like, we're never going to be the cool shoes. So we'll release some bad pictures again. Let everyone roast us. How are you going to get publicity for Steph Curry's shoes other than letting the internet roast you?

The Steph Curry 'Oxblood' shoes aren't actually that bad

I don't think they're that bad. That's all I was saying. I wouldn't wear them and buy them myself, but the way the internet freaks out about them, it's the worst thing in the world. There's been much worse NBA player shoes.

I am officially 100% on the Tim Tebow baseball bandwagon

I'm 100% on board the Tebow bandwagon. This is class A, first of all. I'm totally on board with Tebow.

The Bears are officially 'back' because Aaron Rodgers broke up with Olivia Munn

Aaron Rodgers versus the Bears while dating Olivia Munn. The Bears were 1-5... Before he was dating Olivia Munn, he was 10-3... So the Bears are back is what you're telling me right now.

People who get upset about fans saying 'we' are worse than the fans who say it

I really think people who get this upset about it are worse than the people who say we. It's one of those situations where it's like I'll say we sometimes. I won't even think about it. I'll just say it. And if you get that upset about it, I mean, I'm not saying it like I'm part of it. Everyone knows I'm not part of the team.

Don King was the most obvious pro-Trump celebrity of all time

Don King was the most obvious Trump celebrity of all time... he's a showman.