Takes

Ohio State was the best team in the inaugural 12-team playoff

Ohio State has done it. $20 million roster. Incredible team... they kicked the shit out of everyone in the playoffs. They were the best team in this playoffs.

The Golden State Warriors are officially a dynasty after five straight Finals appearances and three titles

I count anything three and four. I think yes. I'd say three out of four. Absolutely. Three out of five is when you really start to have the conversation. [But] three out of four and five straight finals.

Florida State's week one loss is an easy fix because they just forgot to hydrate

Florida State's excuse is that the boys didn't drink enough water pregame. So they're going to get that fixed. They're going to get that turnaround. It's an easy fix.

Penguins are the most entertaining zoo animal because they trip and fall

My number two, definitely the most entertaining zoo animal, penguins. When penguins are running around, a penguin diving into the water is just pure joy.

Joe Burrow is officially an elite quarterback

It was Joe Burrow's coming out party. I think that's fair to say. He's officially now in my book, at least an elite quarterback. He is—the guy has ice water in his veins... he is fucking elite.

Peeing into a lake or ocean is satisfying because it's Nature's toilet

It's really satisfying though to pee into a lake or into an ocean, you know, Nature's toilet. Because the water is going to catch you. It's the coolness and the freedom, and just the wind whistling around your MBA balls.

I am a stand-up wiper

I'm gonna say I'm a big stander and I was kind of like scarred because when I was like 10 or 11... I went to wipe and just dunked my hand like right in the bowl with like the shit and water in there so from then on out I just I'm standing.

NFL tight ends are significantly underpaid relative to their production compared to wide receivers

Travis Kelce is either first or second behind Devonte Adams of most receiving yards in the last six years. And he pays half of what the best wide receivers are paid. And so that kind of seems like it's just water in the bridge... he plays tight end and you don't really get a lot of attention and stuff.

Intermittent fasting is the easiest thing in the world

No, [intermittent fasting] is the easiest thing in the world... You just don't eat for longer in the morning and a little bit longer before bed... you have 12 hours that you should not eat throughout the day. During your nighttime sleep cycle, say you have your dinner and your dinner ends at 7 p.m., you should not have anything in your body except water.

Pringles and frozen yogurt bars are elite munchies

I'm going to go Pringles... I'm going to go with... frozen yogurt. That whole like when you go to the frozen yogurt bar and you get everything. It's just the stuff you put on top of it. My picks are candy, Pringles, and water.

Tom Brady has trained his brain to be anti-concussion

He's got an anti-concussion brain because of the thoughts he has. Yes, he's trained his brain not to get hurt... Imagine if he drank some of Russell Wilson's concussion water. He'd be unstoppable.

Pissing in the kitchen sink is a reward for doing the dishes

I would say I'm still, probably two times a week I piss in my sink. ... Kitchen? What? No, that's what I finished doing the dishes late at night. I, I actually think that this is, and then I just run the, run the water. ... It's a reward. It's a, it's whatever. I like it.

The Jets have officially hit rock bottom and can't possibly sink any lower

My theory is that they will not get any lower than they are right now. Like everyone's shitting on the jets. Everyone is shitting on the jets. Aaron Rodgers is drinking water with cayenne pepper in it. Pretty, I think it's, it's pretty low.

Bristol, Connecticut is the worst city in the United States

Bristol, Connecticut. I'm not saying that because of ESPN. I'm saying that because I've actually been to Bristol. If you look at TripAdvisor's top ten things to do in Bristol... one is a water park... and then three out of the other top four are like a museum of clocks. A clock museum... And then another one is the Museum of Fire.

The Galapagos Islands is the most unique place on Earth

My favorite vacation, my actual favorite vacation was the Galapagos Islands and Ecuador And. it is, it's the, it's the most unique place on earth that you can go to. ... I jumped in the water, it's perfectly clear and this fucking sea lion starts swimming up to me and he's like trying to get me to play.

Winning a bet that was a sure loser is an all-time thrill

Winning a bet that was a sure, sure, sure loser. Like dead in the water. You have an over and it comes back out of nowhere. Where you just wrote it off. That is an all-time thrill.

Oleksandr Usyk was the deserved winner over Tyson Fury

Tyson Fury lost, Usyk beat him in 12 rounds. It was an awesome fight... the right fighter won... Tyson Fury's in Deep Water because I knew he's the type of guy that if you're like Tyson Fury's done. Yeah. He'll come back and he'll just knock someone else out.

I actually enjoy staying at a Motel 6

I'm not here for the Motel 6 slander, by the way. I enjoy a good Motel 6. You're not getting any frills. I'm more of a Red Roof Inn guy, but I just like hotels. You just go in, you run the hot shower, get that hot water going for 30 minutes at a time.

Locking a tennis player in a ball closet for hours is great coaching

[David Ferrer's coach] locked him in a completely dark two meter by two meter ball closet for several hours, giving him only a piece of bread and a bit of water... That's great coaching. That's a football guy in a tennis guy's body.

The Bengals will always have a redheaded quarterback because it's their brand

I thought that we were going to lose our beautiful redheaded Bengals quarterbacks... and then I saw who his backup [Ryan Finley] was and he's got red hair too. Yeah, it doesn't pop the same way now as Andy's but... it's a watered-down Andy Dalton.

I prefer Rory winning a Masters through a series of chokes and comebacks rather than a comfortable blowout

If Rory was gonna win the career Grand Slam, I wanted to see him push to the brink. So, and he almost went in the water at 11... the fact that Rory was pushed to the brink made me, even as a hater, I had to tip my cap. Like the career achievement... he choked and he unchoked and he choked. And then he got like, the shot of a lifetime on 15.

I pee in the sink in the middle of the night because I know I won't miss

I will pee in the sink in the middle of the night because you know that you aren't going to miss. You know what I mean? You just run the water and just pee in the sink.

Jack Del Rio stinks

They're starting to wonder if it's more than just the water that smells in Oakland because Jack Del Rio stinks.

ESPN should hire Bill Belichick for one day specifically to fire all the employees they are cutting

I think they should bring in Bill Belichick, hire him one day contract, have him fire everyone, soften the blow. Because when Bill Belichick fires you, it means you could still be at the peak... He's doing it one year too early. And he's actually doing you a favor by letting you get on the market and test the waters.

The Atlantic Ocean is superior to the Pacific Ocean because it's more versatile

My first is going to be the Atlantic Ocean. It's a very versatile ocean. You can go down to Florida. It's always nice. It's clear. It's blue. It's nice and warm like bathtub water. Or you can go all the way up north to, let's just say, the Cape Cod region.

The Las Vegas Sphere is a mind-blowing experience that exceeds all high expectations

Anyone who is thinking about going to the Sphere, do it. It was mind-blowing. The expectations were high and they blew them out of the water. I did have that thought of like, will I ever be able to go back to real life because it was that cool.

Russell Wilson is a bizarre human being who would be in a mental institution if he weren't an athlete

The person who woke him up every hour and a half, the voodoo people, the hypnotist, the concussion water, the strength coach... he's just a bizarre human being... if he wasn't an exceptional athlete and he did all this shit, he would probably be in a mental institution.

I wash my apples before eating them if they have a sticker on them

If there's a sticker on it, I feel like there should be some washing involved. But if I see an apple in a random tray and I'm hungry and there's no water, I'll lick it and then I'll bite it.

Nikola Jokic is one of the greatest big men of all time and plays like he's in a pool

Jokic plays basketball like he's in the pool with his kids. Like he's waiting above the water and he is like just putting it above him. Just the way he puts it back in his shot. ... He plays pool basketball... he's one of the best big men of all time. ... The Jokic family, all they wanna do is go race horses. And he just happens to be one of the greatest NBA players.

Age 100 is the best age because everyone laughs at everything you say

If you get to a hundred, people think you walk on water. I think you're Jesus. [...] Everyone throws you parties. [...] If you're a hundred, people will just laugh at everything you say no matter what. You can go viral at a hundred for just existing.