Takes

The Water Dogs MUST draft Chris Hogan in the Premier Lacrosse League

[Chris Hogan] has declared for the Premier League lacrosse draft... We have equity in the Water Dogs. Whatever we have to do to get Chris Hogan on our team, we have to do it.

I should fire the Water Dogs coach for that second-half collapse against the Atlas

I think we should fire our coach [Andy Copeland] just straight up. You can't have a loss like that. It's what, two goals in the last 18 minutes? We took our foot off the gas. It's unacceptable. He should be on the hot seat.

I find myself actually liking LeBron James after watching the 'Starting Five' show on Netflix.

I have been watching, there's a lot episodes, so I'm, I'm not finished with it. But the NBA starting five show on Netflix. ... I do find myself like liking LeBron... He's funny. ... Like he's just, it's just the, he's funny. He's just a big goof.

'Abducted in Plain Sight' is the most jaw-dropping documentary I've ever watched

Whatever you're doing right now, drop everything and watch Abducted in Plain Sight because it is—let's just say it's the most jaw-dropping documentary I've ever watched. Not like a good—it wasn't one of those documentaries where you come across being like, man, I'm really thinking about it. It was awesome. I just said what the fuck probably about 15 times.

I prefer watching women's soccer over men's soccer because the U.S. actually wins.

I actually like watching women's soccer better than men's soccer because we actually win in women's soccer.

UNC is the most fun team to watch in college football

I think UNC might be the greatest team to watch in college football. There's so I feel like it's just gonna, you wanna talk about maximum chaos? I feel like that's gonna be UNC every single weekend.

Analytics and the three-point shot have made the NBA tough to watch

It's analytics. I blame analytics... That too. Three point shot. That too. Dunk should be three... Imagine if they made dunks threes. Everyone was just trying to fucking yam on each other constantly. That would be sick.

Snow football is the best football to watch

The Packers game, Bears game. Those are the best games to watch. Snow football. Love it. It's fun to get excited for the first snowfall and then just be miserable for four months straight.

Oregon will be back on top of college football in four years when Chip Kelly returns

I'm going to call my shot. I'm going to say Oregon's going to win. If we can do like four years to call who's back, in four years Oregon's going to be back to being back. ... When they get Chip Kelly back, right?

Every MLB free agent contract is technically an overpay but it doesn't matter without a salary cap

If the roles were reversed, you would be so over the moon about this. And yes, every contract free agent contract in MLB history is an overpay because you're paying for past accomplishments and who cares? There's no salary cap. It's not your money.

Fast and Furious is the best movie franchise to watch while stoned

I don't think that there's a franchise of movies that's better to watch stoned in your entirety than Fast and the Furious.

Deshaun Watson will be suspended indefinitely for at least one year

Sean was suspended for, for a year, for a year, but also indefinitely. They're going to drop that one on, on Friday. Yup. Yup. Right before 4th of July.

Oregon is back to sucking like they did before they were good

The University of Oregon is back to sucking like they did before they got good.

Chip Kelly will leave the San Francisco 49ers for the Oregon head coaching job.

So Chip Kelly rumors are back, and I think he's going to go to Oregon. Then again, he did say he's not interested in it, and as we know, as Nick Saban proved to us... if a coach in the NFL says they're not going to college, that means they're not going to college.

I finally have a football game to watch every single week from now until the second week of February

We have finally gotten to the point where we will have a football game every single week until the second week of February. We have the Hall of Fame game on Thursday night. There will be a football game every single week.

John Daly's career has been awesome and if you think otherwise you're a hater

My favorite take is when people say, oh, what a shame, John Daly's career. He really could have had it all. John Daly has had it all. His career actually has been awesome. If you think otherwise, then you're just a hater.

I need football back because I'm watching obscure sports like beach volleyball and under-20 soccer out of desperation

The amount of sports that are on that are sports I don't care about is an insane amount right now. And I just, this, my who's back is I need football back because I wrote down everything that I watched this weekend... I watched some WNBA. I watched some lacrosse. I watched some tennis. I watched some beach volleyball... I watched an under-20 soccer match that we lost.

JJ Watt will come out of retirement to play for the Cincinnati Bengals

JJ Watt is back. He is probably going to come out of retirement to play for the Bengals... I'm rooting for that to happen. I think he would be able to do it.

You should schedule a vasectomy for the first weekend of the NCAA Tournament so you have an excuse to watch basketball for two days

All the guys know if you need to get your balls cut off, you got to do it that first weekend so you have permission to sit on the couch and watch college basketball for two days nonstop. Yes, you got the frozen peas on your balls.

JJ Watt's fast recovery from surgery is a result of using steroids

Steroids are back. JJ Watt had two huge sacks, not implying anything. I'm just saying. He had a really serious surgery a couple weeks ago, right? ... Jesus and steroids, shout out.

Dog the Bounty Hunter will find Brian Laundrie before the FBI.

Dog the Bounty Hunter is on the trail of Brian Laundrie. ... What happens if Dog finds him before the FBI? He absolutely will. He's Dog the Bounty Hunter. ... Dog's like knocking on his parents [door]. ... It's over. Dog's on the case. It's done.

Trent Dilfer was coaching hard, not committing physical assault in his viral high school video

I hate the argument you never put your hands on a player it's like grabbing a guy by shoulder, grabbing him by the elbow. Come on. Are we really going to get upset about that. Obviously, if it's like punching choking... this, there was no malicious intent in this.

Derek Jeter will not last five years as Marlins owner

I'm being told by some other people I know in baseball... We don't think Jeter lasts the five years. We think that the owners and investors have a pressure on him.

Manny Pacquiao's late-career fights are depressing and sad to watch

He's still fighting. So that's pretty sad. I didn't realize that he was fighting until like a day before. An aging boxer, watching them is one of the saddest things you can do. You know when it's done, and everyone knows, and then they always hang on for a couple extra years, and you're like, let's just try to remember the good times, because this is depressing the fuck out of all of us.

Lionel Messi is the undisputed GOAT after winning the World Cup

Messi is the goat. I mean, Ronaldo, I mean, there's nothing left. Messi has literally won it all. That game was fucking incredible... I'm happy for Messi. I, he's always been my goat and this was literally the last thing he had to win.

Tom Brady is 'all class' for posting his $563,000 Patek Philippe watch before going into the broadcast booth

Tampa Bay Buccaneers legend Tom Brady... took to Instagram today to remind us that he's all class. Before hopping into the booth, he posted... big game, big watch. He hit us with the Patek Philippe Aquanaut. [It's worth] like 563,000. And this is just a casual before game like, Hey guys, stepping into the booth.

The popcorn debate will be featured on Mike and Mike within two weeks

I'm going to call my shot. The popcorn debate is going to be featured on Mike and Mike within the next two weeks. Anytime you can introduce a bracket, it's going to do wonders for water cooler talk.

AI technology is failing because it doesn't justify its investment costs

I think AI is in hot water. I feel like this is, we're we're in a good spot as humanity right now where AI has not been making enough money to justify all the investment. ... We might beat the robots.

Oleksandr Usyk was the deserved winner over Tyson Fury

Tyson Fury lost, Usyk beat him in 12 rounds. It was an awesome fight... the right fighter won... Tyson Fury's in Deep Water because I knew he's the type of guy that if you're like Tyson Fury's done. Yeah. He'll come back and he'll just knock someone else out.

The East River is full of prehistoric bison bones dumped by a developer

Dirty Water Don... he's found a bone. He found a jawbone of a steppe bison, which is just a prehistoric, gigantic bison. He found the jawbone in the East River. So that means that it is true. There were tons of bones dumped there.

Russell Wilson is a bizarre human being who would be in a mental institution if he weren't an athlete

The person who woke him up every hour and a half, the voodoo people, the hypnotist, the concussion water, the strength coach... he's just a bizarre human being... if he wasn't an exceptional athlete and he did all this shit, he would probably be in a mental institution.

I could catch a fish with my bare hands in an Alaskan river in one day

I said, hey, coach [Jeff Fisher], do you think that I could catch a fish with my bare hands in an Alaskan river? And he said, absolutely... One day. One Alaskan day. Catch it out of the water, kill it, eat it.

The US government should try dropping icebergs or Air Force planes to reverse hurricane wind patterns

Hurricane innovation is fully back... Why don't the Navy come and drop ice in the warm water so it can't get going as fast? Flying the Air Force at the hurricane to reverse the wind patterns... we should solve it.