Big Cat

Kelly Kapoor is the most underrated character on The Office

I actually am a big Kelly Kapoor guy. I think Kelly Kapoor gets [not] enough credit for being hilarious, especially with her relationship with Ryan. My favorite Kelly Kapoor was when she was like, I'm pregnant, and then they cut to her and she's like [shaking head].

Any roster move with an 'I'm Coming Home' video makes me ready to run through a brick wall

Any roster move that's ever been made, if you put I'm coming home and you do a little 30-second video on the internet, I'm ready to run through a brick wall.

Dwyane Wade is going to win a title in Chicago

Dwyane Wade, he's going to win a title in Chicago. I don't know how it's going to work. They have [Rajon] Rondo, Jimmy Butler, and Dwyane Wade who all play isolation basketball for a coach that wants to move the ball and shoot threes. None of them shoot threes, but... Diddy and Skylar Grey had that video, baby.

The Bulls' success relies on other NBA stars getting season-ending injuries in April

Everyone basically – the strategy in the NBA now is either tank and rebuild or build a team like the Bulls where you're hoping [LeBron], [Kyrie], Al Horford, [Kawhi], [Steph Curry], [Kevin Durant], [CP3] – all get season ending injuries sometime around April and i think that if that happens the bulls have positioned themselves into a nice spot where they could at least get to the eastern conference finals right

Hassan Whiteside will pull a DeAndre Jordan and sign with the Mavericks instead of the Heat

Now that Dwayne Wade is signed with the Chicago Bulls, I bet you Hassan Whiteside might be rethinking the contract he agreed to with the Heat. What if he decides to pull a DeAndre Jordan and change his mind and sign with a team like the Dallas Mavericks who are offering him the max?

Peeing in the pool is the most natural thing in the world

My final favorite Mount Rushmore pool activity. This is my number one, actually, peeing in the pool. I've never been in a pool that I haven't peed in. So that's just it's I will sometimes pass going to the bathroom in a bathroom just so I can pee in the pool.

Mark Hunt will knock out Brock Lesnar at UFC 200

Mark Hunt. He's going to knock Brock Lesnar out. It's going to be an all-time internet moment. ... I'm pretty sure he can knock out anyone in the entire world.

I would have 'Pete Rose'd' the hot dog contest and thrown it if I could have bet on my own under in Las Vegas

I actually made some texts. I was hoping that somehow it ended up on a real sports book in Vegas. We could have put some real money down, and I would have Pete Rose the hell out of that tournament. But alas, you could only win about like 200 bucks on prop bets. So I had to give it my all.

I will never compete in the Nathan's Hot Dog Eating Contest again

I've survived to tell my tale. I'll never do it again. But it was a great experience to have.

The biggest takeaway from Kevin Durant's move is that the NBA now only has two teams

The biggest takeaway is it sucks for the NBA as a whole that there's basically only two teams.

There is no point in having children in 2016 unless you can get retweets out of them

There's no reason to have kids in 2016 unless you can get some retweets out of them. Kids, when you get down to it, if they're not making content for you, like why did you even have sex? ... If you have a child that's not cute enough to cry on camera for retweets, what's even the point of having the kid?

I hope the Cavaliers beat the Warriors again next year so David West stays stuck losing every year

I hope the Cavs beat the Warriors again next year. Then David West goes to the Cavs. And then the Warriors beat the Cavs. And he's just stuck losing like every single year.

Choking to death on a hot dog during a competition would be a hilarious way to die

I actually am OK if I die because I think that would be a hilarious way for me to die. You know what? God, take me, choke a hot dog down my throat, whatever.

The Fourth of July is the drunkest weekend of the year

Fourth of July weekend is maybe the drunkest weekend of the year. Everyone's out. Everyone's summer. It really is like who can drink the most beers all weekend long.

Tom Brady can't tell Kevin Durant what it's like to be a black superstar in Boston

And Tom Brady is going to be able to tell Kevin Durant what it's like to be a big black superstar in the city of Boston. Wait. No, wait, hold on.

Arnold Schwarzenegger is the greatest American to ever live

Name the greatest American to ever live. ... The answer we were looking for was Arnold Schwarzenegger, Terminator. ... I'm pretty sure he was [born in America].

I will enter a zone and eat 75 hot dogs in 10 minutes at the Nathan's contest

Leicester City, 1,500 to 1 odds. Just saying, things happen. Maybe I just get in a zone and I eat 75 hot dogs in 10 minutes.

The Cubs are going to beat the Mets on Friday night

I also will be at the Mets-Cubs game on Friday night... The Cubs are going to win.

I have a .001% chance of blacking out and eating 80 hot dogs at the Nathan's contest

I also, .001% chance, I think I could just black out and eat 80 hot dogs.

I will eat at least 10 hot dogs in the Nathan's Hot Dog Eating Contest

I am going to get double digits. It's going to shock the world. People are going to be like, you know what? All I want is I'm not going to win the contest. But I want at the end of the contest for whoever the Todd McShay, Mel Kiper of the hot dog eating world is to be like, here's a riser for next year, guys. Watch out for him.

Clayton Kershaw loses his man card for getting an epidural

I saw that Clayton Kershaw had an epidural. So I'm going to take his man card. Yeah, chicks get epidurals. Right. I don't even know what – I had to ask you before the show what exactly is an epidural because I thought it was something to do with childbirth, which it is. But I guess Clayton Kershaw – is Clayton Kershaw pregnant?

Potato salad is a Mount Rushmore level picnic side

I'm going to go with your potato salad. You need to have a little potato salad on your plate.

Kevin Durant will re-sign with the Oklahoma City Thunder

Kevin Durant taking meetings. He's going to end up at Oklahoma City.

Johnny Manziel's NFL suspension is a PR victory because it keeps him relevant

He got suspended by the NFL for four games. And you know what? That's a great thing for him to have happen because Johnny Manziel, for the first time in a few months, is being talked about in the same sentence as the NFL... It's all good news when the NFL is suspending you because that means you still have a little bit of relevancy.

Iggy Azalea's music career is over because she pivoted away from pop hits to 'true' rap

She took a left turn and started her true rap career. That's when you get cheated on, when you go away from your moneymaker and everyone's like, oh, shit, she's a really bad rapper.

The Rio Olympics tragedies are a marketing strategy by Brazil

The only way to remind people that the Olympics are coming is to continually have tragedies and threats... There are some guys in Brazil right now sitting in a marketing office patting themselves on the back. We really did this. We're making the news. Yeah, we threw out Zika. We threw out terrorists, a guy with a gun. There's sewage. There's poop water. Hey, let's throw some old body parts... Front page news. Oh, yeah. And the Olympics are on NBC. Tune in.

Steve Jobs is still alive and living in South America with Lionel Messi's father

Steve Jobs was sitting in – he's not dead... Everyone knows Steve Jobs living in South America, if you remember that picture... With Messi's dad.

Kevin Durant will end up staying with the Oklahoma City Thunder

NBA free agency is here, and that means one thing... it's going to be Kevin Durant mania, even though he's going to end up just going back to Oklahoma City.

I refuse to call Mount McKinley by the name Denali

I have Mount McKinley. I refuse to call it Denali. Screw that. It's Mount McKinley to me.

James Harrison's home is likely filled with booby traps for Roger Goodell

James Harrison also said that if Roger Goodell wants to interview him, he has to come to his house... That's Home Alone featuring James Harrison with booby traps everywhere for Roger Goodell. He's going to have the blowtorch. He's going to have the ornaments out.

Drivers always slow down way too much even in the slightest bit of rain

You'll also notice that if there's ever even like the slightest bit of rain, everyone decides to drive super, super slow. Perfectly slow.

I officially made it in life because Darren Rovell included my tweet in a headline round-up

Guys, I made it. I officially made it in life. I made it on Darren Rovell's headline tweets... Miracle on Iceland. Come on. Just tell me. That's pretty good. I mean, I'm there. You guys are now in the presence of greatness.

I am going to make pooping your pants as an adult socially acceptable

None of it comes even close to what I'm trying to accomplish when it comes to making pooping your pants as an adult not something to be ashamed of. I'm a 31-year-old man. I make mistakes just like you... If this happens to you, don't be ashamed. I'm here for you. I want to give a voice to the voiceless, the grown adults out there.

Lionel Messi should go to Cleveland and win a championship to repair his legacy

When the whole world thinks you're a quitter and is down on you, you go to Cleveland and you win a championship.

Spicy brown mustard is the best kind of mustard

Spicy Brown? Yeah, that's actually my favorite mustard. That's my number one. That's my bottom bitch, if you will, of mustards.

Brad Childress and Joe Philbin don't look like real football coaches

Brad Childress is definitely in that camp where it's like that guy is not really a football coach, right? Mark Trestman is the same way. You look at him and you're like, come on, bad idea... Joe Philbin just because he's a classic case of looking like a loser.

Game of Thrones is for nerds and we watch sports instead

Game of Thrones for nerds. We watch sports. You watch your little fantasy land shit. If we're going to call you a nerd, we're going to call you a nerd and you're going to fucking like it... The real nerds are the people that don't watch it.

It is a myth that no two snowflakes are the same

It's actually not true that no two snowflakes are the same. Did you guys know that? I did not know that... But in 1988, a scientist found two identical snow crystals that came from the same storm in Wisconsin.

Igloos can be over 100 degrees warmer on the inside than the outside

Igloos can be more than 100 degrees warmer inside than outside. Wow. That is impressive. That's just a wow moment that you need to let sink in for a second.

The NBA should draft fat guys and let them work themselves into shape

Why aren't they drafting really fat guys and saying, well, he'll lose the weight, he'll lose the weight, like he'll get in shape? That seems unfair... fat guys, they don't get the benefit of the doubt. Oh, they'll work themselves in shape. No, you never hear that.

The Phoenix Suns are officially 'America's Team'

[Reese Davis] said some people call the Suns America's team. ... I think we should roll with it. ... if they're America's team, they're America's team. ... America's team. ... sons, sons, sons, sons.

LeBron James is the greatest of all time

LeBron James, greatest of all time. 23.

Derrick Rose can't dunk anymore

Derek Rose doesn't dunk. He can't dunk anymore. He dunked once last year, and it wasn't even a dunk. He, like, lightly put it over the rim.

Derrick Rose is a 'low-risk, high-reward' trade for the Knicks

I do think it's a low-risk, high-reward. You're never going to get him back all the way. But if you can get, like, 75% of Derrick Rose back, then you're right. It was a good trade. So, I mean, you've got to make that trade if you're the Knicks.

The Knicks should sign Dwight Howard to form a 'Big Three' with Carmelo Anthony and Derrick Rose

Dwight Howard might come to New York... Dwight Howard, Derrick Rose, Carmelo Anthony. Whoa. Talk about some fucking all-stars, bro. That's a big three, man.

Johnny Manziel should retire from football and play baseball to pull a 'Michael Jordan'

Retire from football, play baseball, come back to football, win three Super Bowls, call it the Michael Jordan.

LeBron James will sign with the Lakers and change his name to LeBron Bryant

I'm going to say number one, the Lakers, and he switches his name to LeBron Bryant and wears Kobe Bryant's jersey all next year.

Playing football in the South makes you immune to the justice system

This just shows the cultural difference between the North and the South, the anti-pussification of America by Alabama, where if you play football, you basically are immune to the justice system. That's never actually backfired.

The Olympics should only be hosted in the United States for safety reasons

Why are we doing the Olympics in a country where this type of gun violence is rampant? Keep them in the U.S. where everything's safe, nice. People follow the law. You don't have this type of gun problems. Hey, Rio, stay classy.

Jim Harbaugh only has sex when he is trying to procreate

I also wouldn't be surprised if Jim Harbaugh's sex life is just when he's trying to procreate. Jim Harbaugh, like, he doesn't get put in the mood. He's just, like, walking around the house and spontaneously has an erection. And then he just grabs his wife and he's like, it's back again. We're having a baby again.