Big Cat

An airport pickup or drop-off is a brutal favor

Airport pickup or drop-off. Brutal. Also, a cousin of that, can you take me to the hospital? worst.

If you claim you were hacked after a scandal, you must lean into it with more fake hacks

If you are going to go the hacked route, you have to go farther down the rabbit hole of hacked. So you accidentally snap a picture of your penis, then you accidentally snap a picture of a swastika, then you accidentally snap a picture of like you throwing a rock at a pigeon and then you're like shit I got hacked.

If a fire alarm goes off in a hotel, you don't have to leave unless you actually smell smoke or see someone on fire

Either way, if a fire alarm goes off in a hotel, you don't have to leave. That's like a rule. Everyone knows that... Until people start running or you smell smoke, you don't have to go anywhere until I see somebody on fire.

Nyquist the horse is officially finished

I'm going to say that Nyquist is finished. That horse is done. He's so finished that he's done.

The PGA Championship should be a frolf (frisbee golf) tournament to make it more interesting

You make the PGA Championship frolf instead of golf. Just switch it up on them. But all the golfers just now have to play frolf. And they have caddies... Tell me you wouldn't watch a frolf tournament.

Bears rookie Daniel Braverman is a deep sleeper fantasy target

Benny Fowler, Daniel Braverman. By the way, he's going to be our new favorite. He's a Bear. And his name is literally he's braver than every other man. [Braverman] and Devontae Adams. All have been catching everything at camp. Catching everything.

Free agent signings coming from Super Bowl teams won't be as good on their new shitty teams

The free agent signing who's maybe coming from a Super Bowl team and he's bringing a winning culture... [is] probably not going to be anywhere near as good as he was with the Super Bowl team because he was surrounded by really good players. And now he's on your shitty team, surrounded by trash.

Warren Sapp staged his shark attack to get back into the national media spotlight

Connect the dots. Warren Sapp doesn't have a job right now... Best way to get yourself back in the national media spotlight without saying, 'Hey, I want a job,' get attacked by a shark. ... I'm just saying, do we know what that shark looked like? No... That's for sure a fake shark. Truther Warren Sapp did not get bit by a shark. He rigged this whole thing.

LeBron James will eventually sign with the Lakers

I'm going to be really sad when it's over, when he finally signs with the Lakers and we have to stop doing [the LeBron James free agency update].

Scott Hall (Razor Ramon) is the baddest bad guy in wrestling

I will go off movies now, Scott Hall, Razor Ramon. Maybe the baddest. ... Razor Ramon is the baddest of the bad then? Yeah, exactly.

Pat Riley is building his next super team by 'hoodwinking' Dion Waiters

Pat Riley, he just took a step back down towards Earth on the stairway to heaven because this is how you build your empire back up. You hoodwink Dion Waiters a little bit. And the next thing you know, you got your next super team in place.

The White Sox are an embarrassing organization run like a mom-and-pop shop

I think White Sox fans have a level of embarrassment because I think if your organization is having uniform issues and your star pitcher is cutting up uniforms because he doesn't want to wear them, that's embarrassing. It's called Jerry Reinsdorf runs organizations like a mom-and-pop shop, and incompetent people get pay raises and promotions, and no one ever gets fired.

Chris Sale is a psycho, partly because his best friend is 13 years old

And also Chris Sale is kind of a psycho. Yeah. He's a little bit of a psycho. I think the biggest story out of all this is Chris Sale is kind of a psycho because it's not just the jerseys. It's that he also has a best friend that's 13 [Drake LaRoche].

A 'Hollywood executive workout' (steam, sauna, hot tub) is the best way to cure a hangover

My last one is the good old-fashioned Hollywood slash executive workout. Little steam, sauna, hot tub, shower, nothing better. That's my favorite type of workout.

Ken Griffey Jr. likely used performance enhancers given his weight gain

1989 was his debut. He weighed 195 pounds. Late 90s, he was listed at 205. 2004, I dug it up. He was listed at 215. And then when he retired, he was listed at 230. So over the course of 20 years... he gained 35 pounds. Hmm. Just saying.

Sports writers would cure cancer if they didn't spend all their time debating Hall of Fame rules

If we took all the brainpower that the sportswriters of America used up thinking about Hall of Fames and rules and who should be in and who shouldn't, we could have cured cancer. We'd be living on Mars... deciding who's valuable enough to be in some stupid museum that we created.

Any twins who share a Twitter account have definitely kissed each other on the lips

Now, you know my theory that all twins at some point have kissed each other on the lips, like not in a brother-brother, sister-sister way. If you share a Twitter account, I think it's basically decided that that has happened, correct?

'Out of pocket' is the worst office buzzword because nobody knows what it actually means

Number one, I cannot stand when people say out of pocket. I don't even know what that means... See, this is the worst buzzword because no one even knows what it means. So when you say out of pocket, you're an asshole for this. It could also go on the Mount Rushmore of excuses. I'm out of pocket. And then when someone says, I thought you were out of pocket, you had your phone on you, said, no, I'm out of pocket. I don't have my phone. I don't have anything. I'm out of pocket.

Synergy is the best filler word for office life and will lead to promotions

When you're in the office, use synergy as a filler word. You'll probably get promoted four times before Christmas.

It is okay to be late for office cake because everyone is always on a diet

It's OK to be late for the cake because everyone in an office is always on a diet. So when the cake comes out, everyone just wants a small sliver. Just want a little sliver. No, even smaller than that... There'll be 20 people eating a cake. And you'll come out. Everyone will have a slice. And there'll still be half a cake left. And you can just do whatever you want.

Blogging is more harmful to the brain than contact sports because it makes the brain soft

I think blogging is more harmful to your brain than playing football or hockey or any more women's soccer... [Logan Couture]: It might be. I've tried to sit at a computer screen for an hour and I got a headache... [PFT Commenter]: Yeah, because if you play a sport and you're hitting your head, you're building a callus on your brain. When you're a blogger, you have like no contact with anything. So your brain becomes soft. That's my theory, at least.

Robert Griffin III being ranked as a top 5 Redskins QB is an insult since he only played with five

Santana Moss actually just came out with his own mini Mount Rushmore... of top five quarterbacks he played with... and RG3 came in the top five. He was five... and those were the only five he played with. But still, top five is top five.

Never spend more than $50 on sunglasses if you are under 30

Little tip for everyone out there... If you're under 30 years old, never, ever, ever buy a pair of sunglasses that are more than $50. That's on you, okay? $50. I don't buy a pair unless it's under $15.

LeBron James is delaying signing with the Cavaliers because he doesn't have a printer

He's just keeps putting it off. He just doesn't. He's like, yeah, I'll sign tomorrow. Don't worry. Maybe he doesn't have a printer in his house. Maybe that's what it is.

MLB teams should be limited to 30 fastballs per game

I think teams should only get 30 fastballs a game. ... The art of pitching, the finesse of pitching, Greg Maddux, come on. I mean, he wasn't throwing 105 miles an hour.

The NFL preseason should be 10 weeks long and start in July

I think preseason should start in July. Give us something more to talk about. We should have 10 weeks of NFL preseason.

Phil Mickelson is the first person with a recessive clutch gene

Phil [Mickelson] has a clutch gene because he's won a championship, but I think he might be the first person with a recessive clutch gene. You know how a redhead... you'll blow the redhead that pops up in your family. He's got the recessive clutch gene because he so often finishes second.

Rory McIlroy's tight shirts and muscle mass are hurting his golf game

I think it's probably the most correct take I've ever heard dude you ever hear of popcorn muscles yeah that's what [Rory McIlroy] has got. And if you think about a golf swing actually wearing a really tight shirt probably has some effect on it right?

Intellectual activity can cause baldness

Intellectual activity can cause baldness. ... Most professors have glasses and they're bald.

Cyborg Santos is only 'hurt' despite a fractured skull because Russell Westbrook played with a similar injury

So hurt or injured. I'm saying hurt. simply because Russell Westbrook had this same injury. He dented his face, and I think he scored like a billion points after that.

Pat Riley is going to die soon because it's taking him 10 days to write a single email

Pat Riley's going to die soon. He's still taking this Dwyane Wade thing pretty hard. And he said Pat hasn't spoken to Dwyane post-decision yet. He said, 'I've been crafting a very long email to him.' He's been writing an email for like 10 days now. I feel like that's the end. When you're just sitting there with an open Word document... Pat Riley's going to die soon.

I guarantee the Takie Awards will be a live show next year

Next year, it's going to be a live show. I'm actually guaranteeing that right now. I want to do it at Guy Fieri's restaurant, like in the back room.

UConn women's basketball could beat a WNBA team

Could UConn women's basketball beat a WNBA team? Probably. I'm actually serious. I think they could.

Wikipedia should win every Pulitzer Prize because it contains every book

And the award goes to Wikipedia. How about that? The book edition. Wikipedia is basically every book. So how does Wikipedia not win every single Pulitzer Prize? I don't get it.

Stephen A. Smith would have successfully prosecuted O.J. Simpson

I actually don't disagree with Stephen A. Smith here... Because I actually do think he would have been able to put O.J. Simpson in jail. He is so exhausting as an arguer, as a person, that I think that the jury would have just said, 'you know what, just have Stephen A. Smith stop talking and we'll put [Simpson] in jail.'

The MLB All-Star Game should either decide home field with no fan vote, or be a meaningless exhibition, but the current middle ground is the worst of both worlds

I actually don't hate that the all-star game decides this. I hate that they're kind of stuck in the middle. So if you're going to have the All-Star game decide where the World Series starts every year, eliminate the fan vote, and treat it like a real game.

The MLB All-Star Game is the best All-Star game in sports

I do think the mlb all-star game is by far the best all-star game there is it's not really close.

Madden is the greatest video game franchise ever

I have Madden, the franchise. Just going to take the whole franchise. Fuck it. Mount Rushmore, you get to make your own rules.

Miko Grimes should use a foundation Twitter account to blame future controversial tweets on interns

This is a longstanding PR 101 piece. Just start a Twitter account in the foundation's name, the Miko Grimes Foundation account. Then you can say an intern was tweeting and dropping [the hard J] on everyone's face.

Giancarlo Stanton will suffer a massive slump after winning the Home Run Derby

Thoughts and prayers for Giancarlo Stanton's swing. He won the home run derby. So everyone knows here comes the slump. You can't win the home run... sorry, man. You're going to have a really bad second half.

Pokemon Go is a CIA government conspiracy to track data and map building interiors

Seriously, though, Pokemon Go is a government conspiracy, and I don't know why anyone... my last one was basically Pokemon Go has somewhere sitting with the CIA and they're saying, huh, how do we get inside people's buildings?... Let's just throw a squirtle right by someone's refrigerator. Picture.

The week of the MLB All-Star Break is the worst week in sports

We are in the middle of July. We're in the dog days... this is the worst week in sports. It's so bad that Derek Jeter's got bored enough to go and get married.

Brock Lesnar is the scariest human on Earth

The only other takeaway I had [from UFC 200] was is Brock Lesnar, I think, is the number one scariest human on Earth. The fact that he came back after five years and just demolished Mark Hunt... Brock Lesnar, I think, is my number one scariest man on Earth.

Home Run Derby participants always screw up their swings in the second half of the season

My other favorite part about the Home Run Derby is predicting which one of the participants the Home Run Derby is going to screw up their swing in the second half. Whoever wins.

Women love bad boys and cigarette smokers

Number two [things chicks dig] bad boys... if you can maybe have a little mean streak to you. Chicks dig cigarette smokers slash heavy cologne users. They'll tell their friends, 'ew, he smokes,' then they'll be like, 'ooh, bad boy.'

J.J. Watt is sexist for only posting photos with his female relatives

J.J. Watt tweeted a picture of himself, his mom, and his grandmother... hashtag squad. Way to brag in all of our faces. Hey, J.J., what about your dad and your grandfather and your great-grandfather? Do you not like men? Are you being sexist?

It is suspicious that LeBron James still hasn't signed his contract with the Cavaliers four days after free agency opened

LeBron James still hasn't signed with the Cleveland Cavaliers. Hmm. Just saying. Hmm. I'm not saying, but. Hmm. Has everybody else signed? Yeah. So... LeBron hasn't yet.

Odd Mom Out is the first show by women for guys

[Andy Buckley] said that [Odd Mom Out] is the perfect... it's the first show by women for guys.

iTunes doesn't exist in Canada

I don't even know if that counts for the iTunes rankings. I don't think they have iTunes in Canada, so we don't actually appreciate them, but we'll just say we appreciate them.

Todd Packer is a Mount Rushmore character from The Office

Todd Packer. He's obviously on my mountain. Todd's a guy that would definitely punch some nerds with us because we hate nerds on this show.