Big Cat

Syracuse is a team of destiny to win the NCAA tournament

I'd probably put it on Syracuse at this point. I think they're a team of destiny. Might as well throw it some long shot odds. Have them win. I think I saw 10 to 1 to win the tournament. That's just two games. That's a nice little payday.

J.J. Watt would be a likable guy if he showed any human self-awareness

I've always said if he could just have a little self-awareness, I'd quickly become Team J.J. Watt. Because if he could just laugh at himself and be like a regular person, he'd be a very likable guy. If he could just show some element of being a human being and not a superhero.

There is a 42% chance J.J. Watt will eventually appear on Pardon My Take

I'll split the difference. I'm going to say there's like a—I guess it wouldn't be splitting the difference, but 42% chance he's going to come on.

Villanova will win the National Championship

I'm going to have UNC and Nova in the final. I'm going to give it to Nova. I'm going to say Nova is just going to find a way. The ghost of Rollie Massimino, even though he's not dead. I feel like we could get that going, too.

If you coach for one year, you earn the title 'Coach' for life

I think that if you coach for one year, you get to be, you get to decide if you want to be called coach or not... no one called Dick Vitale coach. So you do have a point there.

Grayson Allen has the potential to be the most hated Duke player of all time

He absolutely has the chance to be the most hated Duke player of all time. I know that's crazy to say because of Christian Laettner, but I'm talking about with internet culture, with winning a national title, with the tripping, with his face, the fact he looks like Ted Cruz.

Coach K is the ultimate sore loser

He basically told a kid [Dylan Brooks], don't showboat. And, like, don't show up the other team while showing up the other coach by coaching a kid that's not his kid. And that's Coach K to a T. Like, he's the sore loser.

Baseball players are the best at suffering bizarre, non-game injuries

Baseball players are the best at this. This is a classic spring training. Baseball players hurt or injured. Chris Sale did it last year getting off his truck... Sammy Sosa tore his back with a sneeze.

Finding a way to half-ass a job and maintain mediocre performance while keeping job security is a commendable life achievement

If you can figure out a way to half ass your job and do a very mediocre job and like keep the bar as low as possible on what people expect from you, but still keep your job. That's commendable in this world.

Banning the home run in baseball would make the sport unwatchable

I would love that rule [banning the home run]. That would be a great rule. Could you imagine? Actually, that would basically make baseball unwatchable, now that I'm saying it out loud.

The Larry Sanders Show 'stank' and Gary Shandling was just a 'media pet'

I'm sorry for Gary Shandling's passing. So he did say sorry, but he did not make me laugh even one... time. And Larry Sanders stank. Strictly a media pet.

I am almost completely done with the 2016 Chicago Bulls

I thought there was no way in hell that the Chicago Bulls would lose two back-to-back games against the New York Knicks. Boy, was I wrong. So that one was a big-time Jimbo. Hurt me in the wallet. Hurt me in the heart. Hurt me in the soul. I am so close to being hashtag done with the Chicago Bulls.

J.J. Watt is the most basic white bitch in the world

J.J. Watt is the most basic white bitch in the world now. It's official. This is birthday week. [He] wants you to think that he's Rocky training for Ivan Drago and pushing logs up a snowy hill all winter [but] he's got a mansion in Wisconsin with a Starbucks five miles away.

Matthew Dellavedova is a better player than Kyrie Irving

Deli is better than Kyrie. How does your starting point guard only have four assists when the team scores 124? Kyrie is more worried about his brand than actually winning. I like this really unathletic, scrappy white point guard more than the all-star black point guard.

LeBron should toy with the Cavs' emotions by following rival teams

He knows that he can do whatever he wants in Cleveland. So he should just keep toying with their emotions. He should go look at houses in Miami, rent a condo in Malibu. Unfollow the Cavs Twitter account. Follow the Knicks Instagram account. Just basically do all this shit to toy with their emotions.

The inconsistency of NCAA tournament referees makes it impossible for players to adjust

The refs not only aren't consistent game to game, they're not consistent in game. If you watch the Wisconsin Xavier game, the first 10 minutes they let them play. They let them bang down low. Then the last 30 minutes, it was ticky-tack all the way through. They were calling every little contact. I just don't know how, as a player, you can handle that.

Wisconsin will probably beat Notre Dame and then lose in a tragic, heartbreaking fashion

They'll probably beat Notre Dame and then maybe... be up by 10 against UNC. And I'm like, oh, man, I cannot believe the Badgers are going back to the Final Four. And then there'll be tragedy and heartbreak. And people will be sending me mean tweets.

Thomas Walkup will never play in the NBA

He's a 6'4 white dude who when he goes to the NBA, he'll get like his ankles broken in two seconds and dunked on. So he won't even get to go to the NBA.

John Calipari is an overrated in-game coach who relies on superior athletes

I think Calipari is actually a little bit overrated as a coach... I think he's obviously the best recruiter in the country. I don't think he's the best in-game coach. He's like one of those guys. He's actually kind of like Roy Williams, who they always have really good athletes. I don't know if they always do the best job coaching those athletes because they just kind of let them go.

The NCAA tournament needs to provide fans with a 'come down drug' to help transition back to reality on Monday

They need to give you a come down drug tomorrow. Like the fact that we don't get anything [on Monday] is bullshit. You expect everyone to go from this great event that lasted a full entire long weekend to reality on Monday. You can't do that.

The controversy between Raymond Moore and Serena Williams was a staged 'work'

I'm thinking that this guy [Raymond Moore] and Serena were in cahoots. And this was like, let's just get a little buzz going... I think this is all – I think it's a work.

The Barstool Sports app is the worst app ever created

Barstool's app truly is the worst app that's ever been created... I think they made the Barstool app just to crash. Can we just make an app that just crashes all the time? And if you're looking at it from that perspective, it's the greatest app that's ever been created.

Magic Johnson's tweets are 'electric' because he only states the blindingly obvious

I love Magic Johnson... He is Siri in Twitter form. He states the obvious over and over, and it's electric every time. Today he tweeted, the San Antonio Spurs proved to the NBA and themselves that they can beat the Golden State Warriors with their 87-79 win last night. I mean, the [Spurs] proved that they could beat the Golden State Warriors by beating the Golden State Warriors. That's pretty deep.

Life's too short to bet the unders

I obviously bet overs today. I lasted two games before I broke my one rule that I had spent the entire week pep talking myself into... life's too short to bet the unders in life.

The 'other bracket' guy is the worst person during March Madness

I'm power ranking. Other bracket guy is number one is the worst... The guy who always he'll always chime in whenever there's a big upset. But he'll like have one bracket in his hand... 'I don't have that upset here. I just have it on my other bracket.' This like elusive other bracket that no one knows about.

March Madness is the best time of year for office small talk

Is this the best time of year for small talk? ... Because everyone just walking around being like, oh, did you have Yale over Baylor? It's just everyone has small talk. ... It's actually outside of maybe like a blizzard. It's the best small talk piece that you can have in an office. Because it's something that affects everybody.

Coaches collapse during games for motivation or to avoid accountability

Tony Bennett made the mistake of doing it when his team's up. You're supposed to do it when it's down so that even if you lose, people can't be like, oh, that coach sucks... I think that every single time my team got down big in a big game, I just collapsed... and then if you lose, everyone's like, wow, man, I can't believe like he just collapsed and he kept on coaching.

Ivy League schools shouldn't be allowed to participate in March Madness

All these rich pricks that think they're better than everyone they shouldn't get this experience. No, it's a state school experience only... You fucking Ivy League kids should not get to participate in March Madness.

Journalists should only get the media buffet if they ask good questions

You basically just treat all the journalists like they're five-year-olds when your mom said, if you don't eat your broccoli, you don't get ice cream. It's like, listen, guys, if you don't ask good questions in this presser, no buffet for you.

If you have a PR disaster like Chris Jones, just do porn to change the headline

If you're Chris Jones, your dick pops out [at the combine], then you get arrested... Maybe you just do porn and like double down again... now you're not the arrest guy. You're the porn guy. You just keep piling on until you kind of cover everything down. Like if I write a bad blog, I'll just keep blogging on top of it and push all the bad stuff down.

Adam LaRoche's retirement over his son being in the clubhouse was just 'hurt feelings'

Adam LaRoche quit because his feelings were hurt. He got his feelings hurt... your feelings are hurt because the White Sox basically said, hey, Adam, you're a 14 year old best friend. You can't bring him around anymore.

Adam LaRoche's son will be the greatest hot take writer ever because he grew up in locker rooms

Adam LaRoche's kid... he is going to be the best hot take writer of all time. Could you imagine him fighting with like sabermetric nerds? Adam LaRoche's kid, his entire existence is towel whips, like, you know, pranks, guys, you know, calling each other [names]. His entire life is a locker room. I can't wait till he grows up and starts like just throwing his ideas of his worldviews around.

There is no better high in the world than getting to cancel plans

The canceled plans, when I get to cancel a plan, there is no better high in the entire world. Actually, no. I should take that back. When someone else cancels plans on me because I never want to do anything anymore. So when they cancel plans on me, then I'm not the shithead who canceled the plans. That's the best feeling in the world.

We need a 'relegation league' Monday night football game to help people transition off the March Madness high

This is how you wean people off March Madness is if we just had like a Monday night football game on Monday night, like if it was just Titans Jaguars on Monday night, the relegation league... You need sports that your body is craving it. Boom. Football's back.

If you haven't taken a hungover nap at the office, you're the lamest person in the world

I'm not going to say that Johnny Manziel should be taking naps when he's in the NFL... But show me a guy who, and probably a lot of women, who has not taken a hungover nap at their office, and I'll show you the lamest guy in the world.

Benching a starting quarterback for Josh McCown will cause them to hit rock bottom

The act of having of like benching a person for Josh McCown, I think will put anyone like into a rock bottom spot. Like it's spiraled out of control from Johnny Manziel the minute Josh McCown was put in place of him.

Virginia will lose because they lack players who can make late-game shots

I think Virginia is like almost identical to some of the Wisconsin teams... where they don't have guys who can just make shots late in the game when you need... They have the one guy and but everyone else... you need to make shots at the end of the games.

Duke stinks and could easily lose in the first round

And Duke stinks. This could be a year that Duke loses in the first round, which is my favorite year when that happens... No, they have five guys, and only one guy can rebound, and they don't have a bench.

Marshall Plumlee only joined the military to stop people from making fun of him

I don't know if you guys saw, but Plumlee is joining the military after he graduates, which is total bullshit. He's basically saying we can't make fun of him anymore. It's like someone saying they have a disease and you can't make fun of him. I'm pissed that Plumlee took that away from us.

Rick Pitino definitely hired Andre McGee specifically to arrange prostitutes for recruits

Rick Pitino is an egomaniac who runs an entire program, who knows everything that's going on. And then, oh, whoops, he somehow didn't know the time that the prostitutes showed up and started fucking all his recruits. ... He knew in the fact that he was like, Andre McGee, I'm hiring you to make sure all of my recruits get properly fucked.

I'm not betting any over-unders in the NCAA Tournament this year

I've decided that I'm not going to bet any over-unders in the March Madness tournament. I had the realization that I lose all my money just betting overs because that's all I do. I never bet unders.

Every NCAA tournament team besides the 16 seeds is 'dangerous' and can 'make some noise'

The tourney is like I looked at the whole bracket besides the 16 seeds. Every team is dangerous. Every team you don't want to play. Every team can make some noise, which we will get into later. I have a list of all the make some noise teams.

Michigan State will be the most-picked non-one seed in Final Fours this year

Michigan State is a non-number one seed that could make some noise. Everyone will pick them in the Final Four now because you don't want to be the guy who goes all number one. So you're like, 'oh, yeah, I didn't go all number ones. I did Michigan State.'

Colin Kaepernick wanting to play for the Browns is the second biggest kidnapping story behind Richard Simmons

The whole story about Richard Simmons being kidnapped in his own house, that's only second to Colin Kaepernick saying out loud he wants to go to the Browns. Someone's kidnapped Colin Kaepernick. There's no way his brain got to the point where that's such rock bottom to say, 'oh, yeah, please trade me to the Cleveland Browns.'

Robert Griffin III should rebrand himself as 'Bobby Griffin' to save his career

I got a new quarterback. He's this kid from Texas. He went to Baylor. He won a Heisman. His name is Bobby Griffin. Tell me that guy's not electric... I think Bobby Griffin gets the juices flowing in a GM's mind because you just need to repackage yourself. I'm not RG3 anymore. I'm Bobby Griffin.

I would cut almost any quarterback for 'Bobby Griffin'

If I was the GM of basically any team, except maybe the Patriots and the Packers, I'd cut my quarterback for Bobby Griffin.

Brock Osweiler is the perfect fit to continue the Texans' lineage of awful quarterbacks

Brock Osweiler to the Texans, there has never been a better fit in the entire world. And I'm not talking about fit like, oh, the Texans need a quarterback... I'm talking about Brock Osweiler is the perfect guy to continue the Houston Texans mantle of awful quarterbacks. David Carr, Sage Rosenfels, T.J. Yates, Matt Schaub, Brandon Weeden, Ryan Mallett, Ryan Fitzpatrick, Brian Hoyer.

Brock Osweiler is so tall that he will trip a lot in the NFL

Brock Osweiler. He's like six-eight. He's crazy tall, too tall. I feel like he's going to trip a lot in the NFL. Is that crazy?

Hating bat flips is the ultimate litmus test for being a bad person

Is there a better litmus test in the world than people who hate bat flips being like just shitty people. Like if you hate a bat flip, it's basically like people who like kill like puppies and people who hate bat flips. That's the quickest way to figure out if you're a bad person. If you don't like bat flips, I don't even know where I would love to hear someone explain to me how they got to the point where they're like, goddamn backflips.

Bryce Harper would be more likable if he shaved male pattern baldness into his head

If he didn't have the hair that he had, I think he would get a lot more love. Like think about Mike Trout. You don't hate Mike Trout because Mike Trout's kind of pudgy. He's like, doesn't have very good hair. ... Bryce Harper. He's doing every, every time I look around, he's got his hair flowing everywhere and he's got his shirt off. He's doing this. He's hitting home runs. You can't have it all. So either you change your name to Bruce or you shave your head, maybe shave male pattern baldness in, and then I'll start being a fan of Bruce Harper.