PFT Commenter

In 50 years, Michael Phelps will look like an old-fashioned offense as swimmers evolve into creatures with pool-length arms and tiny torsos

In like 50 years, we're going to look back at Michael Phelps the way that we look at the old Notre Dame offenses in football where they just run the ball straight forward. It'll just be a guy that's got arms that are the length of the pool and like a tiny little torso, and you'll dive in, and you just slap both sides back and forth.

The uncatchable ball rule should be determined by the receiver; if it is Ted Ginn, 90% of passes should be considered uncatchable

Shouldn't an uncatchable ball, shouldn't that rule be determined on who the wide receiver is in question? If it's Ted Ginn, shouldn't 90% of them be uncatchable?

Ryan Lochte should lean into his gas station incident by getting a gun sponsorship

If I'm Lochte, I think it's pretty simple actually. If I'm Lochte, I get sponsored by a gun company because you're not going to get held up if you've got a gun. I've got like some catchphrases already... Lochte and loaded.

Team USA's narrow win over Serbia counts as a 'statement loss'

After the loss against Serbia earlier this week, I know it was a win, but I'm going to call it a loss. I think that counts as a loss. That was a statement lost by us.

Giancarlo Stanton's season-ending injury is definitive proof of the Home Run Derby curse

He had the home run derby curse... so we actually predicted this. Not to brag, but we called it. Like a month ago, we said whoever's going to win is going to be out for the rest of the season. So sometimes it's tough to keep track of how right we are all the time.

LeBron James' massive contract will cripple the Cavaliers' long-term future

I think [LeBron James] might have crippled the Cavaliers long term with this deal... The Cavaliers, they've got so much dead money that's going to be hanging around LeBron James' neck in three years. They're going to be lucky to eke out 40 wins in a season.

The Warriors window will open in a year and a half and they will be set for the next 5-10 years

This is basically a free agent signing for the Warriors. Like, getting the Cavaliers to commit this much money to [LeBron] right now... So the Warriors are going to be – their window is going to open up in like a year and a half. And then they're going to be set for the next like five, ten years.

The NFL needs to officially suspend Aaron Hernandez immediately

Aaron Hernandez, now convicted of the murder of Odin Lloyd, he's been charged with double homicide. He's being investigated for another shooting. Still not officially suspended by the NFL... We are the Woodward and Bernstein [of this story].

The years AD 614 to 911 did not actually happen

The phantom time hypothesis. So there are a bunch of people out there that truly believe that the years AD 614 to 911 didn't happen... They were all made up by the church. So like that's 300 years of human history that we just were taught about, but they don't happen.

Bobby Petrino coaches every game with a waistband-tucked boner

I've got a theory that Bobby Petrino coaches every single game doing a waistband tuck... He's got full erection. Every conference game, he's got a full erection. Just keep an eye on that for maybe a little cherry poking out of the top.

A man should only cry after losing his virginity or winning an Olympic medal

I always love it when our Olympians have a good cry... I would say that and maybe after you lose your virginity is the only acceptable time where a man can cry.

Tim Tebow is like a six-year-old because he hasn't sucked enough at any job to rule it out as a possibility

[Tebow] is basically like a six-year-old. He's just like, I want to be a professional football player... I want to be a baseball player. And he's going to get the chance to do that. So it's like when you're six years old... you can say like an astronaut because you haven't proved that you're incompetent at anything. The best thing that you can say about Tim Tebow is that he doesn't suck enough at anything where any job is really out of the remote possibility for him.

Tim Tebow could land any airplane in America

Tim Tebow, are you kidding me? Tim Tebow could land any plane in America. He's got a lot of practice with a joystick, too.

Tim Tebow has a better playoff record than many 'great' NFL quarterbacks

People forget Tim Tebow is 1-1 in the playoffs. .500. That's a better record than a lot of great quarterbacks out there... That is the same amount of playoff wins as Tony Romo.

A-Rod will enter the Hall of Fame as a Seattle Mariner.

I don't think he's a true Yankee. I think he goes in the Hall of Fame as a Mariner.

Cal Ripken Jr. probably used a lot of steroids.

Mount Rushmore of steroid users. Cal Ripken Jr. He's number one. People didn't know that. Probably used a lot of steroids.

The Hall of Fame game cancellation was a conspiracy to force viewers to watch the Olympics.

The Olympics, tonight was supposed to be their big night. They needed the ratings... NBC, their president is a guy named Steve Burke. Steve Burke just happens to be a former Disney executive. Maybe he called in a favor... [the painter] is probably the easiest person in the world to pay off.

Bob Costas was a better Olympic broadcaster when he had pink eye.

My big thing is I miss pink eye Bob Costas. It's not the same with him with two functional eyeballs out there. I miss it. I miss it. He was so good when he was playing hurt. I actually think he was better when he only had one eye.

Queso and guacamole both qualify as sauces or condiments.

Number two, queso. Oh, man, that's cheating... obviously queso. No, it's also a condiment. You can put queso on a steak... you can put queso on a sandwich. Number three is salsa. Number three is guacamole. You can get it on a sub.

Vladimir Putin's decision to dope the Paralympic team shows an admirable commitment to winning.

I almost respect that. Like I'm now kind of on Putin's side. If you're going to the extreme lengths of taking your most vulnerable citizens and saying, we're going to pump you up with horse steroids, that's at least a commitment to winning.

Jim Furyk's 58 deserves an asterisk because he didn't even win the tournament.

I was about to say, like, shouldn't there be an asterisk on his round? It absolutely is. I mean, it happens all the time. So I guess good for Furyk. But like at the end of the day, you know, you don't get a trophy because he shot a 58.

Jay Cutler is the only professional athlete who is treated like a woman

I love how Jay Cutler is the only professional athlete that's treated like a woman, really. Like, honey, you'd be so much better if you'd just smile, babe.

You can't spend more than 12 hours in Canton without getting legally drunk

I mean you can't spend more than 12 hours in Canton without getting legally drunk. I was there last year. It is – it's one of the worst times.

The planet would be better off without mosquitoes

Number one, mosquitoes. I don't know what part of the ecosystem mosquitoes fits into, but you can't convince me that the planet wouldn't be better without mosquitoes.

Grackles are the world's shittiest bird

I'd like to add grackles to the list. They're the world's shittiest bird. They're ten times worse than any sort of bird out there.

Robert Griffin III driving a 1992 Volkswagen to practice is a major try-hard move

Robert Griffin III rolled up to practice in a 1992 Volkswagen today... I thought it would be someone who actually still owned an old car, not someone that went out and borrowed a friend's old car just so that people would write stories about him driving to practice. It makes Robert Griffin seem like a real try-hard.

You don't give Nick Saban a two-week notice; you sneak out in the middle of the night and tweet that you're leaving

You don't put in a two weeks notice at Alabama. That's a move where you slip the janitor 50 bucks to get in in the middle of the night and you just take all your shit out and then you tweet the fact that you're leaving to Nick Saban. That's how you leave.

You should give homeless people gift cards instead of cash or food

Here's what you do next time. Get them a gift card. Problem solved... $5 gift card.

You should never bring up anything you thought was funny online while on a date

As a general rule of thumb, you don't ever want to bring up anything that you thought was funny online on a date.

It is impossible for a human to tread water for 45 minutes without a life jacket

You can't tread water for 45 minutes without a life jacket... It's like a horse laying down for longer than two minutes. You're going to die.

Jeb Bush doesn't know how to use a keyboard because he's a low energy guy

Jeb Bush has not tweeted at me. Um, that's probably cause he's just such a low energy guy. He can't figure out how to use a keyboard.

Fat is coming back as a trend and Brooklyn will lead the way

Fat is coming back. And good news for you. The first place that it's going to come back, place at the forefront of all these trends, is Brooklyn. You know, like back in the day, if you were fat, it meant that you were well fed and that you could take care of yourself.

The Yellowstone supervolcano is 100,000 years overdue for an eruption that will end the world

The Yellowstone Super Volcano... we are way overdue for an eruption. We're 100,000 years past due for it. So, you know, live like there's no tomorrow because it probably isn't.

Trent Richardson being cut by the Ravens means he can get into the Hall of Fame by 2021

Great news for Richardson. Now the clock can start on his five-year eligibility until he can get into the Hall of Fame. So he can get it in 2021 instead of 2022.

Coming back from a 3-1 deficit is the biggest comeback in the history of sports

Coming back from 3-1 down in a playoff series, that's got to be the biggest comeback in the history of sports. Right, Hank?

Cleveland is a downgrade for anyone living in Milwaukee

You can't just take a downgrade to Cleveland like that [from Milwaukee]. You've got to know if you're in Milwaukee, that's a city of champions.

The Cleveland Indians won't win the World Series this year

The Indians, they're not going to win the World Series this year.

Asking someone to come on your sports podcast is a huge dick move

Can you come on my podcast? So that's a huge – I hate it. I hate when people try to get you to go on, like, your sports podcast and, like, try to joke around with them. Big time dick move if anybody out there does that.

Being asked to be a Maid of Honor is a rough favor to fulfill

Will you be my maid of honor? Like that's such a – that is a rough ask. If you're a maid of honor, you've got to plan out the entire bachelor party. You've got to plan out the wedding shower. You've got to plan out... basic bitch t-shirts.

Draymond Green sending a dick pic is a 'nut shot' from the Warriors forward

Another nut shot from Draymond. Let me say that again. I stumbled over it. Another nut shot from Draymond.

Draymond Green should sue Snapchat for entrapment

If I'm Draymond, I would consider suing Snapchat. They made an app that makes it really easy to send dick pics that disappear afterwards. So it's like entrapment.

Arnold Palmer was never actually a good golfer

I don't think Arnold Palmer was ever actually good. Have you seen that guy swing? Swings like my grandpa. I would kill that guy.

LeBron James not signing with the Cavs yet is the biggest act of devastation to a city since Aaron Hernandez

If LeBron ends up not signing, I think this would be the biggest act of devastation that one player could ever cause to a franchise. And a city. Except for Aaron Hernandez.

In 100 years, everyone will have a voice that sounds exactly like Bruce Arians

If you look at Evolution – you know, 100 years from now, we're all going to be talking like Bruce Arians. It's just going to be a melting pot. And everybody's going to be really good at football.

The veteran kicker will beat out the young leg in training camp 99 times out of 100

A lot of times you'll have a veteran kicker on a team to bring in a young leg... And the veteran kicker always wins the job, like 99 times out of 100.

Hugh Jackson is a quarterback guru who will get RG3's career back on track

This is how RG3 he's with Hugh Jackson now Jackson's going to get him on the right track he's a guru he's a quarterback guru

Eddie Lacy might show up fat to training camp overnight

There's a good chance that [Eddie Lacy] might become fat overnight and be fat again. This is going to be an ongoing storyline throughout the entire camp.

Geno's Steaks in Philadelphia is trash

Number one, Pat's. Number two, South Philly. Number three, Geno's. Geno's is trash. I hate Geno's.

Tony Montana is a top-tier bad guy, even though I've never seen 'Scarface'

My bad guys are, number one, Tony Montana. Now, I've never actually seen Scarface, but I'm told he's like the bad guy. I've seen the clip where he says, 'you need to point as a bad guy, and I'm the bad guy.'

God from the Old Testament is a top-tier bad guy

So I'll segue right from there into my number three which is God, God from the Old Testament. Kind of a bad guy. Threw a lot of stuff at people. People forget that. That God was kind of a hard ass.