PFT Commenter

Tom Brady is a bad guy

Number four on my Mount Rushmore of bad guys. Tom Brady. [Belichick] never got suspended. True. He only got fined.

The Warriors won't be good for the first half of the 2016 season

With Kevin [Durant] going out there, I have a theory that they're not going to be very good for the first half of the year next year. Only one ball.

Claiming you got a 'new phone' is a bulletproof excuse for missing an NFL drug test

The more I think about it, the more it's a bulletproof excuse for Le'Veon Bell. ... Isn't it like getting served? If you never get the call, then you don't have to pee. Unless you see the cup in front of your penis, you don't have to pee into it.

Lionel Messi is bleaching his hair to hide from tax fraud investigators

So, well, he did have brown hair, and now he just bleached it totally blonde. This adds to my theory that maybe he's a relative of Nazi... that's how you get away from tax fraud or whatever he was doing with his dad.

Players should be nicknamed 'Big Country' to improve their public image

Just give yourself the nickname Big Country because everybody loves Big Country no matter what sport you're in. Just be like, 'Hey, that's just Big Country, you know, having some fun before the game, y'all.' And people will be like, 'All right, that's good.'

The 'Mystery Team' in MLB trades is always just a fabrication by agents

The mystery team... could be anybody. It's a made-up team from the mouth of your agent just trying to work you up. The mystery team never gets their guy.

A big bowl of Pho is the best hangover food

My fourth is going to be my favorite hangover food, and that's a big bowl of Pho, the Vietnamese soup. Really good for a hangover, yeah. If you get all the weird shit in there too, like the intestine stuff.

Drinking a mix of Pedialyte and vodka all night prevents hangovers

If you want to not have a hangover, here's what you do. You take Pedialyte and then you mix it with vodka or rum and then you just drink that all night so you don't get hungover to begin with. That's a pro's move.

The 2016 Olympics Russians got away with systematic doping

The Russians got away scot-free. So the IOC said, OK, we know your whole country had systematic doping for the last 20 years, so we're just going to ban the track and field team... they banned the track and field team, but anybody else from Russia is allowed to compete. So there you go.

LeBron James will sign his 2016 contract before another Hillary Clinton email is leaked

LeBron James will sign before another [Hillary Clinton] email gets released. [Obama] is gonna fire a nuke up a horse's butt so that Putin can't leak any more of Clinton's emails.

The five-year Hall of Fame wait rule is good because it humbles players

I love the five-year rule because it gives players time to taste what it's like to be kind of irrelevant, put on a little bit of weight, and then they show up at their Hall of Fame induction ceremony, and they're humbled a little bit. They've gained a few pounds in the cheek, neck area, so they're more accessible to the fans.

Bruce Arians has a unique 'locker room' accent because he gets fired so often

Arians' accent, like he's never lived in a place long enough to develop a real accent because he gets fired all the time. So his accent is just locker room. It's just like a mix of like southern good old boy, like inner city, and then a little bit of Midwestern.

Never say 'I didn't know' in an office; instead use 'my understanding was' to lie or look better

If you ever need to lie about something or you need to just say, oh, I didn't know about that, never say, I didn't know. It makes you look bad in the office. You always say, oh, my understanding was we didn't have to work the day after the 4th of July. It also works on basically calling someone a dumb fuck. Like, oh, my understanding of this situation was this. Like basically, hey, listen, you're so stupid you didn't realize what was going on.

Professional athletes should stay in their rooms and say nothing during the month of July to avoid headlines

Basically just don't say anything during the month of July. Like anything that any professional athlete of note has to say is going to become a headline story. So just just shut up. Just maybe here's what you should do. Just stay in your room. Lock yourself in your room. And just hang out there for a while.

The Rio Olympics PR company is doing a great job because they successfully used a terrorist cell to get brand impressions

The Olympics, their PR company is just knocking it out of the park still, coming up with all sorts of unique visitors and brand impressions on people with all these scandals going on. They thwarted a 10-person terrorist cell. What? That's all the terrorists, so no more of them... My understanding is there are banners saying that police officers don't get paid in Rio. But somehow these guys were working for free and they broke up a major terrorist plot. So hats off.

The NFL should implement the 'Romney Rule' requiring one white cornerback per team

There was a big report that came out in ESPN saying that professional position coaches are hired at a much lower rate to become a coordinator or a head coach if they're a minority... and I suggest in the spirit of brotherhood that we develop a Romney rule where if the president of the United States is black and therefore racism doesn't exist at the time, we can do the Rooney rule, but there should also be a rule that says every team should have one defensive back... cornerbacks specifically because there are a lot of Eric Weddle types running around out there.

Pardon My Take has more female listeners than any other sports podcast

I honestly think that we have more female followers and listeners than any other sports podcast out there.

If Giancarlo Stanton's home run derby balls were people's heads, he'd be arrested for mass murder

If all those balls that Giancarlo Stanton had been hitting in the home run derby were actually people's heads, he would be arrested for murder. Mass murder. He'd basically be worse than Jeffrey Dahmer.

The Olympics should stop providing condoms to encourage the breeding of a super race

I think that there should actually be no condoms inside the Olympic Village. These are... the top true of the top one percent genetically. It should be like a rabbit farm in there. We should be forcing them to breed with each other. No condoms.

Every MLB rotation should be required to have a knuckleballer

I would go along those same lines and say that every team has to have a knuckleball pitcher in the starting lineup. ... In the rotation somewhere.

I want to be replaced by a parrot if I die in Cleveland

If I do die in Cleveland... I want a parrot... play old episodes of Pardon My Take for the parrot... put it in front of a microphone and you talk to it and it'll just basically do the same shitty takes that we've done for the past three months. Nobody will even know that it's not me anymore.

Phil Mickelson choked away another major championship

Anytime you got Phil [Mickelson] finishing in second, the storyline is Phil Mickelson choked away another one. Let's focus where it needs to be because it's always fun to make fun of Phil for being always the bridesmaid, never the bride guy.

Wearing hats and helmets causes baldness because hair needs sun and rain to grow

If you're wearing a hat, it's like you can't grow plants indoors, right? So therefore, if you go your whole life wearing hats and helmets, I can see how like your hair doesn't get enough sun and rain, and so it would not grow as well later on.

Brett Favre's durability was due to an 'inconclusive' John Thomas sign

If you think back to some of the great quarterbacks, Brett Favre was probably—his John Thomas sign was probably always inconclusive, right? Because he had such little win. That's why he never missed a game because the doctors, they couldn't pinpoint any of his injuries because he didn't have any shadows pointing anywhere.

NFL teams will view Johnny Manziel as a nerd for playing Pokemon Go

Manziel was at a club. ... But he was playing Pokemon inside a club. And this is a pretty bad look for Johnny. ... well now NFL teams are going to be like, we don't want to hire him. He's a nerd.

Johnny Manziel should drink more beer to fix his image and show he's a leader

My PR 101 to Johnny is, like, toughen up your image a little bit. Be a little bit of a bad boy. Have a couple beers. No big deal. Just kind of, like, let people know you're a regular dude.

Guy Fieri's food is the best food I've ever had

I'm a big Guy Fieri guy, so I feel like I can say this. The food was phenomenal. Best food I've ever had.

Media members and sports figures should physically fight to settle disputes

I think the media and sports figures should actually physically fight. That feels like something that would happen in maybe Argentina where a ref screws up and they're like, 'oh, we're going to kill you.' I'd like to see more accountability.

Hockey helmets have increased concussions because they evolved the human skull to be thinner

I actually think that helmets have done more to increase concussions in hockey than they've done to help because it's like evolution. It kicks in a little bit and your brain, your skull doesn't have to be as thick anymore. Like the way that we coddle these athletes, it's actually hurting them in the long term.

The NBA players in the 80s were more authentic because they weren't friends and didn't go on 'banana boats' together

I always like when people compare the NBA today to the 80s when guys weren't friends. They were not friends. People forget that Magic and LeBron, they didn't go on—I mean, Magic and Larry Bird, they didn't go on banana boats together. It was a different era.

We have the 'scoop of the year' for both breaking the Adam Morrison bunker story and then proving it was false

Adam Morrison is like an apocalypse-like guy who has – does he have like gold and cash and he's got a bunker? ... [Big Cat:] And that was the scoop of the year, but we have an extra scoop of the year. [PFT:] Right. He actually doesn't have an apocalypse bunker. So we double scooped. It doesn't matter that the first one wasn't true. We double scooped.

Death is the 'dirtiest player of the year' and an old school goon you want on your team

Dirtiest player of the year. That one we're going to give to death. And it's not really that close of a race either. I mean, death is the kind of player that you hate to see on the other side, but you really like it when a guy like that's on your team. You want death to put on the same uniform that you have on. Death, you know, he's just an old school goon.

The MLB All-Star Game should include an inning where position players pitch and pitchers play positions

The seventh inning is the position player pitching inning. Yes. And put your pitchers at position players. Mix it up a little.

GoldenEye 007 and Oregon Trail are top-tier video games

GoldenEye is number one since you didn't take it... Number two, I have Oregon Trail.

Catching a Pokemon for the first time feels exactly like using heroin

You're always chasing that dragon, man. The first time that I caught one [Pokemon], it honestly felt like heroin to me.

Pokemon Go is the greatest sporting event of our lifetime

We're kind of doing a disservice by calling this Sports Hell Week because possibly the greatest sporting event of our lifetime or probably anybody's lifetime is going on as we speak, and that's Pokemon Go.

I'm betting heavy on Wil Myers to win the Home Run Derby because he spells his name with one 'L'

I'm going heavy on Wil Myers. He is listed at plus 600. The guy is all about winning. And it's so efficient. You know how much time he saves in his life by spelling his name W-I-L instead of W-I-L-L?

Women love it when men tell them what to like and order for them at restaurants

Chicks love it when guys tell them what they like. Or order for them at a restaurant. It's just like whenever you're like, 'hey, this is actually you don't like that. You like what I like.' It just shows that you're not afraid to take charge.

The Cleveland Indians won't win the World Series because the city isn't allowed to win two titles in a row

It's definitely not going to be the Indians because Cleveland can't win two things in a row. It can never happen. And if it does happen, they're going to become the new Boston and everybody's going to hate them.

Portugal was a better soccer team without Cristiano Ronaldo in the Euro 2016 Final

I'm going to go with hurt because he actually made the team better. I think the question has to be asked now, like, was Cristiano Ronaldo actually holding Portugal back? So better team without him. Kind of like the whole Steph Curry situation where the boys, the lads on the pitch just really opened up the game and the spacing was better.

People in Portugal speak 'Brazilian' which is why they are good at soccer

People forget that they speak Brazilian in Portugal... The two best soccer teams in the world, Brazil and Portugal, both speak Brazilian. So it makes you wonder, like, maybe more countries should start speaking Brazilian if they want to master the beautiful game.

Prison Mike, Date Mike, and Michael Skarn are the three best characters in The Office

I've got Prison Mike as number one. Number two, I've got Date Mike. Nice to meet me. Michael Skarn is my number three.

Any team with a 'Big Three' is automatically at least a three seed

The key is as long as you can assemble a group of three people together and call them the big three, then you're automatically going to be like at least a three seed. Right. That's the rule.

The three-point line has ruined basketball and should be abolished

When you really think about it, the three point line is ruined basketball. It's not about fundamentals anymore. It's all these flashy Steph Curry, three point shots. ... kids aren't learning how to play inside they're not learning the you know how to rebound how to box out some of the good things that basketball taught us

UFC should start a drug-friendly 'Rogue Fighting League' on boats in international waters

Or it's my my third my third option here is you just start your own fighting league where like all sorts of drugs are okay you do a nine-sided ring instead of eight sides kind of one-ups ufc international waters so there's no testing right on boats yeah definitely on a boat

The German soccer team's aggression always comes too late in major matches

And once again, the German subs were a little bit too late. A little too late. And I noticed that their aggression didn't come until a little bit later, too. Usually the Germans are a little bit more aggressive early on.

Russell Wilson is overcompensating about having sex on his wedding night

I don't think that Russell Wilson had sex last night. I don't think he had sex on his wedding night. Who has time to have sex on your wedding night? ... I think Russell Wilson's overcompensating a little bit. Like if you get late on your wedding night, who goes out there the next day and is like, I had sex on my wedding night. That doesn't happen.

Kevin Durant might not improve the Warriors because there are too many cooks in the kitchen

I'm actually going to go out on a limb and say that Kevin Durant might not really improve the Warriors that much. Yeah, he's a really good player... You got a lot of cooks in the kitchen now. You need some role players.

Big Cat should become a vegan as a PR move to become the 'Subway Jared' of PETA

I think Big Cat needs to become vegan. You need to say, 'You know that whole throwing blood on me and talking shit to me thing? It worked. I'm a vegan now.' Good job. ... You would be the Subway Jared of PETA. You would be their biggest success story and nothing bad could ever come from that.

Russell Wilson's sex with Ciara on their wedding night will be fast and furious because of his long celibacy

Russell has not had sex in a long time. He's not going to be, how shall we put, he's not going to be gentle with you. He's not going to last long. Silver lining. Spin zone. It's going to be fast. It's going to be furious. It's not going to be fun. Russell is going to be having sex like somebody who can get shot at any time.