PFT Commenter

Rich people crying in business meetings is seen as passionate, while poor people crying is pathetic

That's what I love about rich guys, okay? If you're rich and you cry, it's awesome. It's like you're very, very passionate. If you're poor and you cry, that's just pathetic. Get your poor, weird tears out of here. If you're rich, that's a guy that cares about life.

Automatic weapons stop branches of government from becoming too powerful

What stops one branch of government from becoming too powerful? ... We also would have accepted automatic weapons. Automatic weapons do that, too.

The only opponent to ever defeat the United States in a war is obesity

What's the only opponent to ever defeat the United States in a war? Nobody. It's obesity. We lost that one. Just like we have lost the war on obesity.

The Maryland state flag is terrible and overused

The Maryland flag is also the worst, and they put it on everything. Come on. It hurts my eyes, and I'm big on uniforms. Yeah, it's not good. It's just not one of the elite states.

Big Cat will fail to hit double digits in the hot dog contest; the over-under should be 7.5

I'd be shocked if you hit double digits. I would say that the over-under should be set at about seven and a half.

Madison Bumgarner is a manlier pitcher than Clayton Kershaw because he DHs for himself

Madison Bumgarner is DHing for himself. That's actually one of the coolest things I've seen in a while... Madison Bumgarner now is not only a man, but he has Clayton Kershaw's manhood as well.

Coleslaw is trash

Dude, coleslaw is trash... everybody puts them on their plate, but they don't eat them.

Kobe Bryant is considering the Knicks, Celtics, Spurs, Raptors, or Clippers in free agency

I think this is the best-kept secret in free agency so far is what teams is Kobe Bryant taking meetings with? I think he's going to the Knicks, the Celtics, the Spurs or the Raptors? Kobe's a big foreign guy. He's cultured. I think he might want to spend some time up north... [Big Cat suggests Clippers] Yeah, he's probably taking a meeting with them. Yeah. Kobe going to LA.

Every NBA team that fails to recruit Kevin Durant should be forced to have Harrison Barnes play for them for one week as punishment

I was going to say every team that doesn't get Kevin Durant to play for him should have to have Harrison Barnes, like, play one week for them next year. That's their point. So that way you've got a little, like, skin in the game... if you fail in their recruiting.

The Los Angeles Clippers are actually a Temecula team

I've never been to the Staples Center, but I'm kind of an L.A. Clippers truther. I don't think that the Clippers actually play in that city. I think they're, like, more of a Temecula team.

Gabrielle Union would ruin the Golden State Warriors' chemistry

I hope that [Dwyane Wade] goes to Golden State and then... Ayesha Curry gets tasked with showing Gabby [Union] around Oakland. And she's like, please don't make me hang out with this crazy bitch. And Gabby just ruins the chemistry of the entire team. That would be wonderful.

The alpha move on a banana boat is sitting in the front

I would say that the alpha move is sitting at the front of the banana boat... if you're sitting up front, you're the guy that's having a blast. Everybody else is just dealing with your runoffs.

If you don't include Mount Rushmore on a 'Mount Rushmore' list, you are trying way too hard

If you guys don't put Mount Rushmore on the list, you're trying way too hard.

Johnny Manziel should claim he has diarrhea to fix his reputation

The PR coming out of this is he just says when he comes back that he's got massive diarrhea from Mexico... if you just say explicitly like I've got diarrhea to your boss, your boss is going to be like, yeah, okay, don't go down that road with me. Johnny comes back... and he tells everybody, hey, guys. Sorry. The Montezuma's revenge.

Tim Tebow bringing a flatlining man back to life is an 'abortion to death'

If you bring a guy back from death... isn't that giving an abortion to death? It's the equivalent, right? So he's an anti-abortion guy, but he's over here... Death's got a bun in the oven in the third trimester, and Tebow's got the shop vac out.

Lionel Messi is afraid of killing everyone in Argentina because he chokes so much

Messi's afraid of killing everybody in Argentina because he chokes so much. So he's doing the right thing and dropping out. And I'd like to see players in the U.S. start to drop out for the right reasons instead of the wrong ones.

Lionel Messi lacks the clutch gene and is likely a relative of Nazi Josef Mengele

I think that Messi might be a relative of a Nazi because a lot of them went to Argentina after the war to try to escape. Now, there was a doctor [Josef Mengele]... He was unable to uncover the clutch gene and isolate it. And that's why, you know, like Hitler, if he had had the clutch gene, he probably wouldn't have choked... Mingel moved to South America, had sex with an Argentinian. A few years later you get [Messi].

Under Armour signed Lionel Messi because they specialize in signing the biggest chokers in sports

Congratulations to Under Armour for apparently signing Lionel Messi to round out their stable of Spieth, Cam Newton, and Steph Curry, the biggest chokers in the world.

Dijon is the best mustard

Number one on my Mount Rushmore of mustards is Dijon mustard. Delicious on a sandwich. Can't get enough of a good Dijon.

Derek Jeter did the best job of keeping his private life out of the tabloids while playing in New York

It's actually unbelievable when you think about it how long [Jeter] played in New York and there never was any story... Ain't nobody done it better than him.

Tarvaris Jackson's wife is a Hall of Famer for mocking his on-field accuracy while he was holding a gun

Jax and his wife said to him [while he pointed a gun at her], you better be accurate because you ain't accurate on the field. That's so quick... she actually is facing death and she's still not afraid to go there. Not afraid to go there Hall of Fame.

Tarvaris Jackson was a D-grade draft pick for the Vikings

Can we retroactively go back and grade Brad Childress' draft when he selected Tarvaris in the second round? Because in light of yesterday's events, I'd like to change my grade to a D. I think Tarvaris was a D-grade draft.

The European Union is hurt, not injured, following Brexit and will make a major comeback

The EU, in my opinion, is hurt. I don't think that they're injured. This is a minor setback for a major comeback... The EU is going to get back on that horse. They're going to bring in like Turkey and Russia and really get Britain's attention and Britain will be like, yeah, we fucked up. I'm sorry. Can I have you back? Things will get back together.

America should join the EU as a senior prank by Barack Obama

This would be a boss move. If on his last day in office, Barack Obama just said, like, hey, guess what? USA, we just joined the EU... Spot opened up, we're in the EU.

JJ Watt eating a raw egg on Jimmy Fallon is condoning mass murder and sweatshops

Each egg is actually like a chicken abortion. So like you're basically condoning mass murder when you eat that egg... eggs are produced in unsanitary hen houses. So they're basically sweatshops for chickens. So that's not cool.

When playing in Cleveland, you should throw to the side of the field farthest from the lake to avoid lake-effect snow

One thing that jumped off the page at me was the part about lake effect snow... as something that you can take away and practice from this, when you play up in Cleveland, throw the football to the side of the field that's farthest away from the lake to avoid the snow as much as possible.

The Wikipedia author for 'Snow' was lazy for omitting God from the entry

They didn't talk about God at all in the snow entry. And it's like, why are you going to leave out the main protagonist in your writing? I thought that the author was kind of lazy in leaving that part out.

Teams playing in Seattle should use snow machines to drown out the crowd noise

I also learned that snow is a sound absorber. So like if you ever have a game up in Seattle, I don't know if you can like rent a snow machine, but to kind of drown out the crowd noise a little bit, maybe you could just like drop a bunch of snow on them.

A college team like Alabama could potentially beat a professional NFL team

Doesn't that say that maybe after all, like an Alabama football team could beat some professional football teams? [Blake Bortles: Yeah, I mean, I guess it's kind of like the miracle on ice back in the day. You know, I guess there's always a possibility.]

NBA Draft night is the most boring night of the sports year

Can I be honest with you? I think that the NBA draft night is the most boring night of the sports year. I think the ESPY night is more electric than the NBA draft night.

The next trend in the NBA will be drafting the fattest team possible

The Warriors got good by doing the opposite of everybody else. They went small. There's going to be a swing soon. You want to get out in front of that and just draft the fattest team possible.

Cleveland is the 'new Boston' full of pink-hat bandwagon fans

Population of Cleveland, 390,000. So, you know what that tells me? That tells me that Cleveland is like the new Boston Red Sox. Pink hat wearers. Bandwagoners. Bandwagon fans. Cleveland's the new it town to go to. ... I'm done with Cleveland.

Ezekiel Elliott will rush for at least 200 yards in his rookie season

I think [Ezekiel Elliott] is going to put up like bare minimum at least – you can quote me on this – at least 200 yards this year. At least.

J.R. Smith should put a shirt on

J.R. Smith could stand to put a shirt on. ... I guess just because you won a championship, I guess you can be a stripper now and you can just take off your shirt.

If you die during your team's championship celebration, it is not a bad way to go

Honestly, if you die during your team's championship, not the worst way to go... If you're a Clevelander and you die during the celebration of your first championship, I don't even think that's a Jimbo. I think that they're going to build a statue for you.

You can't fart during a soccer game because it's a 'beautiful' and 'classy' game

I don't want, I mean, that's, you can't fart during a soccer game. Everyone knows that. ... It's a beautiful game. ... We, you don't do that shit. It's a classy game.

J.J. Watt is the most selfish athlete on the planet

Basically, J.J. Watt is the most selfish athlete on the planet Earth. That's what I've learned from this.

LeBron James will go play minor league baseball for the Chicago White Sox

LeBron James is going to go play minor league baseball for the Chicago White Sox.

The NBA Draft is a huge letdown compared to the NFL Draft

The pageantry, the electricity and all the bells and whistles that go along with the NFL draft, there's absolutely none of it for the NBA. It's basically, here's the NBA draft... You sit on your couch, you drink one beer, and then you refresh Adrian Wojnowski's Twitter feed for three hours. And that's your entire NBA draft experience.

European basketball players are inherently soft

I don't know what it is about European players, but my instinct is when everyone's taken, I'm like, wow, what a dumb pick. It doesn't matter. They're soft. That's not offensive. That's just true... All the tough guys in Europe play soccer.

Skip Bayless is the greatest sports entertainer of the last hundred years

I'm questioning anybody's intelligence that's listening to us right now and not tuning in to First Take to see Skip Bayless' curtain call on that show. Possibly the greatest sports entertainer of the last hundred years.

Alabama can beat the United States criminal justice system

This one [is] could Alabama beat the United States criminal justice system. And the answer is yes... the Louisiana district attorney from Ouachita Parish has declined to press charges on [Cam Robinson and Hootie Jones] for drugs and guns.

Skip Bayless will get 'West Coast soft' and lose his edge at Fox Sports

I don't think that what they're going to do with him on Fox Sports is going to be nearly as good because he's going to get West Coast soft. He's not going to have somebody as fiery to debate. It's like separating two dogs from each other that have grown up together their whole life.

Pre-game Prediction: The Warriors will win Game 7 by 20 points and LeBron James will get injured

The Cavs are going to lose [by 20]. LeBron's going to get injured in the first half, and people are just going to always talk about how if he had played healthy, they would have won.

Steph Curry throwing his mouthguard at a fan is assault and battery

It's assault, right? Like, let's be honest. It's assault. Steph Curry, I mean, he's an NBA player... he's a professional athlete, probably has some sort of communicable STD, getting hit with that mouth guard. That is grounds for lawsuit. That's assault. I believe it's also battery.

Ayesha Curry's tweet about the NBA being rigged was a viral PR stunt for Under Armour shoes

She could always say, guess what? This was a viral spot for my husband's Under Armour shoes. I got 70,000 retweets, got everybody talking about me... You guys just got Kimmeled, America.

Under Armour is the Buffalo Bills of shoes and cannot win the big one

Under Armour can't win the big one. They can't. They're the Buffalo Bills of Shoes. You know what I'd like to see more of on Twitter? I'd like to see more people tweeting the dumpster fire image at, like, live look at Under Armour right now. It's a dumpster fire.

LeBron James is sleeping with Beyonce to impress her

Do you think that LeBron James is sleeping with Beyonce? I think it's a good possibility... LeBron James played tonight like he was showing off for a certain somebody sitting courtside, if you know what I'm saying.

The Warriors will beat the Cavaliers 107-91 in Game 7 of the NBA Finals

My prediction for Game 7 is... It's going to be 107-91 Warriors.

Carson Wentz's gas station bathroom story is a fake alibi for doing something else

I don't think this actually happened... I think that Carson was doing something that he wasn't supposed to be doing. And he was setting up an alibi for himself... anytime somebody starts throwing in these unnecessary details about a weird event that happened, it's because they're trying too hard to corroborate their story.