Takes

NBA players are right to sit out games if we judge them solely on championship rings

I actually want to point the finger back at the fans and media for this one. Because if there's one thing that all the fans and media do is they count rings... If these guys are sitting out because they're trying to win rings, I mean, they're literally trying to put themselves in the best position to win the thing that we judge their entire worth on.

The Golden State Warriors are baby back bitches

Anytime the Warriors get discussed on this show, it gets hot. Because they're baby back bitches.

Performance-enhancing drug use in sports is the moral equivalent of Bernie Madoff's Ponzi scheme

I am opposed to performance-enhancing drug use because in competition where you have a level playing field because that world is the same as what Bernie Madoff did. Because Bernie Madoff, he lied. He cheated, he stole, and he bullied his way to the top.

Larry Bird is the greatest player I ever played with

Greatest player I ever played with... He made us all play better... Larry never got tired of just torching other people, and he's incredibly driven. He's a brilliant guy. He loves to portray himself as the hick from French Lick. Don't ever buy into that. This guy is so sharp, and so smart, and so pure.

Kevin Durant is a front-running coward and a baby back bitch

Kevin Durant, pros. He's probably top three NBA player, probably best scorer, pure scorer in the NBA. Cons, skinny knees, slouches, and is a coward, front-running coward, and a baby back bitch.

James Harden's MVP argument is just that he isn't as terrible at defense as he used to be

Basically James Harden's whole argument is he's not as shitty at defense as he used to be. He tries a little bit on defense. Was he slow playing us this entire time? Like sitting and bagging us on defense and just waiting for a season to give half of a shit?

Dirk Nowitzki has one of the most underrated careers in NBA history

[Dirk Nowitzki] is by far one of the most underrated careers because you kind of just forgot about him after he won the finals but he has been like quietly incredible for so so long.

David Stern is the most important man in the history of basketball

David Stern, the most important man in the history of all basketball. He's PFT's size. Little tiny guy over here in a world built for preschool children, right? But here's David Stern, who never shot a basket, but he brought the business acumen... to use the NBA to make the world a better place.

Music and atmosphere in NBA arenas directly affects player rhythm and pace

It was like the sloppiest game ever, and that's not just because the Knicks are always sloppy, but it was like no one could get a rhythm... Then they put the music on in the second half, and the pace picked right up, and they almost hit the over... So it was clear that the music did actually affect the players.

I could still average 10 points and 5 assists in the NBA right now

I still play with pros all the time. There's moments where you watch guys who just got paid $60, $70, $80 million for having marginal numbers where I'm not going to sit there and tell you, I feel like I can get nine or ten points a game in the league. I feel like I can get four or five assists in a game.

LeBron James reading 'The Godfather' while walking is a calculated camera stunt

Did you see last night LeBron walking from the bus to the locker room reading The Godfather? And did you also think that was the lamest, most ridiculous thing you've ever seen in your entire life?... He was doing it for camera. He wasn't actually reading.

Deron Williams was signed by the Cavs just so LeBron could have another person to blame

LeBron blames. Deron Williams is on his team. He missed a huge wide-open three against the Celtics... I think Deron Williams was signed with the Cavs just so LeBron could have another person to blame.

Shaquille O'Neal is a victim of 'athlete funny' and is not actually humorous

Shaq has always been a victim of athlete funny. Where someone in the locker room once told Shaq he was funny, and he has gone with that throughout his whole career thinking he is actually humorous, and people want to hear Shaq tell jokes when in reality he's not funny.

LaVar Ball is like a bird that sits on a rhino and shits everywhere

[Lonzo Ball's] father is going to be over his shoulder the whole time. His father is like one of those birds that sits on the back of a rhino and shits everywhere. That's what he's going to be.

The Dunk Contest is boring because there are a finite amount of body positions possible

It's not like the dunks aren't super impressive. It's just that we've seen every dunk. It's like watching porn. There's a finite amount of body positions that the human form can get into. Eventually, you just get bored with it.

Carmelo Anthony's legacy is choosing the most money over winning championships

Thoughts and prayers to the man [Carmelo Anthony] who has taken every single dollar at every turn in his career instead of maybe trying to win a championship... He took the most amount of money to stay in the dumpster fire that is New York. That's kind of your situation, Melo.

Kobe Bryant failed in his attempt to copy Michael Jordan's entire career

Do you ever sit back and you are like, damn, Kobe Bryant tried to copy everything Michael Jordan did and he totally failed?

Magic Johnson is the greatest basketball player and the number one Laker of all time

Magic Johnson. Without a doubt. He's the number one basketball... him and Larry Bird, they are the NBA. Magic and Bird put NBA in prime time.

Luke Walton was a better coach for the Golden State Warriors than Steve Kerr

I would actually say [the Warriors are] Luke Walton's team. People forget he was their coach in the first half last year. They were a lot better then.

Rajon Rondo passes up easy layups specifically to hunt for assists

You know what Rondo does that's so fucking annoying? Everything, but he also loves, loves, loves to pass up super easy layups just to get assists. He's the worst with that. He did that today when the Bulls got smoked by the Wolves. He was ready to go for a layup, and then he passed it for a three-pointer. Dude, just fucking shoot the layup. Stop trying to get assists.

James Dolan planted security to get Charles Oakley banned from MSG

I think it's James Dolan continues to disrespect the Garden by putting out awful teams and not caring. And I think, stay woke, that was all a plant to get him [Oakley] banned from the Garden forever because if you noticed, it was security guards all around him. He got mad because I think that's just Charles Oakley's resting heartbeat.

Michael Jordan is better than LeBron James because he has the clutch gene

LeBron is a fraud. He's a hot fraud. Michael Jordan's all that. He's an all that guy. Get your 32, 11, 6, bank it. More importantly, clutch gene.

LeBron James' subtweet is the most passive-aggressive thing he has ever done

The big story that we have waiting for the Super Bowl week to start is LeBron with the most passive-aggressive tweet I think I've ever seen... He said, I'm not mad or upset at management... I just feel we still need to improve in order to repeat, dot, dot, dot, if that's what we want to do. That is the most ridiculous subtweet that LeBron has ever, it's not even a subtweet, it's a direct tweet. He didn't add anyone, but he's adding the management.

LeBron James is setting up a pre-planned excuse in case the Cavaliers lose the Finals

[LeBron is] also setting expectations. So, like, if they lose in the finals, like, hypothetically, if it's a 4-0 sweep, hypothetically speaking, that's definitely not me saying that's going to happen. He's got an excuse prepped right there.

Jimmy Butler is a top ten player in the NBA

How many players play on a basketball team? Five. And how many teams play at the same time? Two. Okay, so that's what? Ten. Okay, so the NBA All-Star Game rosters came out. Jimmy Butler was named a starter... that would make him a top ten player.

Grayson Allen's tripping incidents are victimless pranks that don't actually matter

The thing about Grayson Allen that I absolutely love is that all of this is victimless and it doesn't actually matter. The stakes are non-existent in this story. And we pretend like they are because we just love to hate Duke so much. But he's sticking his foot out and tripping guys and they kind of just trip over and they look up like, what the fuck was that? And then they move on. And it's not like he's putting anyone's life in jeopardy.

LeBron James is the perfect laboratory-engineered basketball player, more so than Jordan

In all seriousness, I think LeBron is... If you had to clone a guy and put five of him on the floor, he's clearly the guy that you would want. If you're making a basketball player in a laboratory from the ground up, you build LeBron James.

Mike Greenberg's take that the College Football Playoff is better than March Madness is ridiculous

Did anyone tell Greeny that he doesn't know about either of these playoffs because he didn't play sports? ... I mean, it's the most ridiculous statement.

You cannot be a serious basketball analyst if you never played the game

I just want to ask these fucking nerds. Like, did you ever play? ... If you are a basketball dude and you never played basketball, even in your heart of hearts, and you took it seriously, it's hard for me to take you seriously. Because anybody could play basketball, really, until any age.

Shooting 'granny style' should be rebranded to 'pimp grip' to make it cooler for NBA players

I think the problem is that it's called granny style because nobody wants to shoot it with that name. If it was like pimp grip or like called baller style or something like that, I feel like more people would try it.

NBA superteams and a lack of parity make the league boring

There's not a lot of parity in the league. It's super teams. Why even watch? If you have one unbelievable player, then it's pretty much a guaranteed win.

LeBron James is taking money out of kids' pockets by resting for games

It's honestly a little bit disgusting on LeBron's part to take a day off... He's taking money out of kids' pockets. He is.

LeBron James is the 'Disney' of the NBA and corny as fuck

He's the Disney of the world. He's the Disney of the NBA. He's the Disney of memes. He makes everything corny as fuck.

LeBron James makes every viral trend lame and manufactured

I just realized that this is – LeBron is Disney. He's like, if there's a meme on the internet, he's going to do it in the most Disney lame move ever. You know, like the mannequin challenge. Oh, they did the mannequin challenge at the White House. He just makes everything so fucking lame.

Al Horford should not have missed a game for the birth of his child because basketball is forever

Al Horford skipped a game to be with his wife who is having a kid. But come on, man. They could have lost. It's a kid. Kids come and go. Basketball is forever.

Magic Johnson is healthier than LeBron James because he conquered AIDS

I would make the case Magic Johnson might be a little bit more healthy [than LeBron]. Like the guys, he's conquered AIDS. 25 years. But I guess they didn't factor AIDS into this equation. But still.

NBA players don't start playing real defense until March

Oh, playing defense? Oof, gosh, what, March? I think when the tournament starts and then everybody's like, wow, they play so hard, that's when we're like, okay, now we've got to step it up.

LeBron James is indestructible

I think he's [LeBron James] indestructible. No one's indestructible. I think LeBron is indestructible.

Kevin Durant is a 'big fucking baby'

Kevin Durant is a big fucking baby. And what did he say? He said that there was a lot of selfish guys on the Thunder... implying that the Thunder are selfish.

Dwyane Wade is the Heat's greatest player of all time, over LeBron James.

I think that Dwyane Wade was our best player of all time, obviously. [LeBron James] gave us two rings, even though he promised eight or seven. But Dwyane Wade was our best player.

Kevin Durant is a whiny baby

Kevin Durant is a fucking whiny baby. He seriously is... You were in Oklahoma City for so long, and everyone gave you a pass. LeBron James was bashed to no end for not winning a title... Kevin Durant not only has been considered a top three player in the NBA, but he played with a top five player in the NBA with [Russell] Westbrook, and he got a fucking pass. So shut up.

Matthew Dellavedova subtweeted LeBron James by calling his fiancée his 'best mate'

Deli's engaged... and then he tweeted and Instagrammed, and he said, 'The best mate I could ever have in my life.' So shots fired at LeBron, kind of. Subtweet. A little sneaky subtweet.

Carmelo Anthony is too cool for the Banana Boat crew

I think Carmelo is too cool for the banana boat. I think that LeBron James, Chris Paul, Dwayne Wade, this new kind of athlete, this new super team-creating kind of athlete, they're lame. They're not hard. Carmelo's hard.

LeBron James could be the fastest sprinter in the world if he wanted to

You have to imagine that if LeBron James wanted to, he could be the fastest sprinter in the world.

Russell Westbrook will always do the exact opposite of what people tell him to do

Everyone just assumed [Westbrook] was going to go to L.A. And if I've learned anything about Russell Westbrook, if you tell him what he's going to do, he'll just do the exact opposite.

LeBron James is a dickhead and I would never want him on my rugby team

Probably the last person I would want is LeBron... strictly because he's a dickhead. He's a dickhead. If I had to go with anyone, it would probably be AP, Adrian Peterson. He would be good at that.

Draymond Green sending a dick pic is a 'nut shot' from the Warriors forward

Another nut shot from Draymond. Let me say that again. I stumbled over it. Another nut shot from Draymond.

LeBron James not signing with the Cavs yet is the biggest act of devastation to a city since Aaron Hernandez

If LeBron ends up not signing, I think this would be the biggest act of devastation that one player could ever cause to a franchise. And a city. Except for Aaron Hernandez.

All roads in the NBA super team era lead back to LeBron James

All roads lead to LeBron James with this super team friends and family shit. Just know that. There's always a way back to LeBron James. He started this shit and now it's corroding and polluting the NBA.

Carmelo Anthony winning gold medals means nothing because the USA should beat China by 90

I think it's fantastic that Melo is winning another gold medal. It means jack shit to me. Like, they're down there winning those games if it's a big deal. Like, you're supposed to beat China by 94. I'm not impressed that you did a 360 dunk on a 6'3 Asian basketball player.