Takes

John Gruden would be a serial killer if football didn't exist

If football did not exist, I think that John Gruden would be a serial killer. I don't see any other outlet that he could possibly have besides football where he can be like this meticulous and this passionate and not end up killing at least like a half dozen people.

Bill Belichick is a baller for skipping a subpoena to study film

He was subpoenaed during the Aaron Hernandez double murder trial, and he just didn't show up in court... That's Belichick just being a baller... He treated it like he had a late movie to Blockbuster, not a fucking murder trial subpoena.

Tom Coughlin was hired by the Jaguars just to change the clocks and stand over people

Tom Coughlin said that he's going to be in the weight room making sure when guys are there they're working hard... This is what he was hired for. He was hired to change all the clocks and just stand over people and be like you're not working hard.

Football is the best game that has ever been invented.

[Bruce Arians] said... Talking about football. 'It's the best game that's ever been fucking invented.' ... That's definitely a fire flame stake. That's one of the strongest statements I've heard, and I can't say I disagree with him.

J.J. Watt is rattled because he tweeted at me out of nowhere

Here's why I think and I know that J.J. Watt is rattled. This was a totally unsolicited tweet from him... He just tweets me out of nowhere and he says, I thought we were friends now, man... You don't tell someone to have a great day unless you're, like, rattled.

I am officially walking around inside J.J. Watt's brain right now.

I'm, I'm, I'm walking around in J.J. Watt's brain right now. I'm drinking the beers, but that's in J.J. Watt's brain. [I] clogged his brain's toilet right now.

NFL locker room drama like the D'Angelo Russell leak would stay in-house because the culprit would get beaten up

Honestly, I think the difference between basketball guys and football guys is that you would never even hear a story like this come out. And if it did come out, it would be kept in-house and somebody would get their shit kicked in. And then it would kind of be like, let's move on.

The Long family would beat the Gronkowski family in a Royal Rumble-style fight

Eventually we'll have [the Longs] do like a WrestleMania-type thing against the Gronkowskis, like a Royal Rumble or a tag team event... I would probably take the Longs, to be honest. I think both Kyle and Chris outweigh Rob Gronkowski... And then if you throw the dads into the equation... I would absolutely take the Longs. I think that Howie is a crazy man.

J.J. Watt would be a likable guy if he showed any human self-awareness

I've always said if he could just have a little self-awareness, I'd quickly become Team J.J. Watt. Because if he could just laugh at himself and be like a regular person, he'd be a very likable guy. If he could just show some element of being a human being and not a superhero.

The NFL told the Rams they wouldn't have to do 'Hard Knocks' if they drafted Michael Sam

What came out yesterday was that the Rams, when they were drafting him [Michael Sam], they got a call from the NFL league office and the NFL said, hey, if you draft Michael Sam, we won't make you do Hard Knocks because they were one of like three or four teams that could possibly do Hard Knocks that year. And so they drafted Michael Sam. This report says to avoid having the HBO cameras in their locker room the whole time.

J.J. Watt is the most basic white bitch in the world

J.J. Watt is the most basic white bitch in the world now. It's official. This is birthday week. [He] wants you to think that he's Rocky training for Ivan Drago and pushing logs up a snowy hill all winter [but] he's got a mansion in Wisconsin with a Starbucks five miles away.

A nose tackle is the best job in the NFL

I would love to be a nose tackle in the NFL because your job description is like eat as much shit as you want, as long as you can stand up and just not fall over backwards from your own girth. Just be so big that it takes two people to touch you at the same time.

Burning tape or burying a football only provides momentum for exactly one win

[Big Cat]: Burning tape or burying a football will always give you a little extra juice the next game. [PFT]: It gives you exactly one win. And then you kind of run out of energy because you've done all your crazy shit.

We need a 'relegation league' Monday night football game to help people transition off the March Madness high

This is how you wean people off March Madness is if we just had like a Monday night football game on Monday night, like if it was just Titans Jaguars on Monday night, the relegation league... You need sports that your body is craving it. Boom. Football's back.

Benching a starting quarterback for Josh McCown will cause them to hit rock bottom

The act of having of like benching a person for Josh McCown, I think will put anyone like into a rock bottom spot. Like it's spiraled out of control from Johnny Manziel the minute Josh McCown was put in place of him.

Joey Bosa is just a working man's Chris Long

Joey Bosa, I think is like he's a working man's Chris Long is what I've been saying about him.

Joey Bosa is more gifted than I was as a prospect

I think he's [Joey Bosa] a little bit more gifted than me. But you got to stick to the rules.

Robert Griffin III needs to cut his hair to look professional for job interviews

If I'm Robert Griffin, I got to cut the hair at this point... You don't want to go into a job interview looking like a hippie... Cut the hair off and be clean cut. Get back to business. Let people know that you're ready to go to work.

The NFL Draft is essentially just kidnapping players for the benefit of the Cleveland Browns

The only reason [the Browns] can get players to play on their team is by essentially tricking them to join the team via the draft. That's pretty much – the draft is kidnapping players, if we're going to be honest with themselves.

I have zero confidence that any running back free agent signing by any team is going to play out

I have zero confidence that any running back free agent signing by any team is going to play out. But the Jaguars keep going back to that.

Sam Bradford is basically Philly's Holocaust Museum

This is going to be called a hot take. But Sam Bradford is basically Philly's Holocaust Museum... They kept Sam Bradford as a living reminder to not go back to the Chip Kelly era. So every time they look at him, every time they see him walking to the facility, they're like, oh, boy, we can't go back to that place. That was a dark spot.

Russell Wilson is a media 'goober' who prepares boring, non-interesting answers before his interviews even start.

Basically, [Russell Wilson] wakes up in the morning, and if he's got an interview to do, he decides, I'm not going to tell you anything. Like, you may have questions. He's got answers, but he came up with those answers before he left the house. And he's just not going to say anything interesting at all.

Russell Wilson is the quintessential definition of a 'goober.'

He's the goober. He is the quintessential goober. I've said that from day one, Russell Wilson... he is the definition of a goober.

Meth Johnny Manziel would be better than weed Johnny Manziel because you want him on edge

I would put meth Johnny Manziel over weed Johnny Manziel because weed would mellow him out too much... you want Johnny like on edge, right? You want him to be running around a little bit. The best plays that he had when he was in college were like, he was tweaking almost like he was just panicked.

Johnny Manziel's drug power rankings are: Meth #1, Cocaine #2, Weed #3, and Alcohol in the basement.

Take it back meth Johnny Manziel number one cocaine Johnny Manziel number two and then weed Johnny Manziel number three a distant third and and we all can agree power ranking wise alcoholic Johnny Manziel's in the basement it's dead last.

The Washington Redskins are exactly like Nazi Germany because they win the offseason but get bent over once the actual war starts

I would compare the Redskins to Nazi Germany because the Redskins like to win the offseason every year. And Nazi Germany was also very good about taking over countries when there wasn't an actual war going on. And then once the war started, they got bent over by the Russians and the United States. So I would characterize the Washington Redskins as being very Hitler like in their approach to football.

The Green Bay Packers are the Vietnam of the NFL because they only use homegrown talent and no one wants to play there.

My team is the Packers. They are Vietnam. And simply because... all homegrown talent. They don't make a lot of splashy moves. You really don't want to go play there. You're never going to like, you're never like, Oh, I want to go play at Lambeau. I want to go play, you know, have a war in Vietnam.

The New England Patriots are the Russia of the NFL because of the spying and the 'Cold War.'

Russia and the Patriots, right? It's a natural fit. It's the cold war. They're spying on us. Patriots, Spygate, it's a perfect melange of the two. I don't think that you can find actually a better fit than that.

Chris Jones' combine wardrobe malfunction was an all-time bad moment for white guys

Chris Jones at the combine, his [package] flop out at the end of his 40 run, which by the way... that was an all time bad moment for white guys because we were like, is that guy like, is he hard or something? That's not only his at rest perspective.

Interim head coaches are the best part of the NFL

Interim head coaches are without a doubt the best part of the NFL.

Jesus was an interim head coach who succeeded like Bill Belichick

Jesus got a start as an interim head coach and it was kind of a Monte Kiffin, Lane Kiffin type situation. God hired his son, let him operate as a coordinator for a while until he proved himself. You got to say it did work out for him in the long term, kind of like a Bill Belichick, Cleveland Browns, Patriots type deal. Ended up in a great position in the long run.

Dan Campbell shot his load too fast as interim coach

The problem with a guy like Dan is sometimes you come and you shoot your load too fast. On his first day on the job, he put his team through Oklahoma drills. But on day one, he also did the practice squad player sacrifice. Now, that puts you in a day two dilemma when your team comes in with their hair on fire.

Throw away the red no-contact jerseys — all lives matter on my football team

I'd also take the red no-contact shirts that the quarterbacks and the kickers wear. I'd throw them in the trash. We don't discriminate on my football team. All lives matter. If you can't handle your contact, then I can't handle your contract.

If you're swallowing you're wallowing — players shouldn't need water breaks

I turn off the water supply of the building, too. If you're swallowing, you're wallowing. I want players who don't need water breaks. It's also an unnecessary expense, and the owner will be very appreciative of my cost-cutting efforts.

Rob Ryan has been robbed of an interim head coaching opportunity

The biggest shock in the world to me, looking down the history of interim head coaches, the fact that Rob Ryan has never gotten the title of interim head coach. Despite being the defensive coordinator for such stable franchises as the Raiders, the Browns, and the Cowboys, he has never gotten a shot at being an interim head coach. And that's because he's too much of a wild card to ever be an interim head coach.

J.J. Watt's illness is only a hurt — having the flu is an advantage

If you're sick enough to tell your coach that you can't play, in my book, then you're healthy enough to get out there, strap it up, and play. In fact, I'd say having the flu would technically be an advantage. If I'm a coach, I tell my running back, I say, son, you get that ball, you grab onto it, you cough directly onto the ball every time and let the defense see you cough. That way, if you fumble it, they're going to be a little freaked out and they're not going to want to recover it straight up.

NFL players should get 'chubbed up' in the locker room to send a message of dominance to the rest of the league

I think it's almost like you got your inspiration from that one scene in Any Given Sunday when you've got the guy in the background in the shower and you can tell he's chubbed up a little bit because he knows that the camera's going to be. That's what you guys need to do, just to send a strong message to the rest of the AFC that you guys are for serious now.

Offensive linemen would be more effective if they were 5'8" because of the pad level advantage

I think I might be a little bit better if I were to be 5'8". That way you can really get underneath guys and really drive them out of the hole. 6'5 is sometimes a disadvantage... it's a liability sometimes.

Andy Dalton is 'no doubt' an elite quarterback

I definitely – [Dalton] is no doubt elite. I don't think it's much of a question about Joe Flacco being elite, but he is definitely an elite quarterback.

Andy Dalton is elite and we're past the Joe Flacco debate

I can sense that paradigm shift as well. We're not talking so much about Joey anymore. We're talking about Andy. Is he elite? 6-0 sounds pretty good, but I'm a what have you done for me in September, what have you done for me through January kind of guy.

NFL pros shouldn't have contact with college teams if college players can't contact pros

I'm of the mindset that if you're in college and you're not allowed to have any contact whatsoever with a professional team or an agent, then when you're a professional, you should not have any contact with your college team or you should not be able to take a class or learn anything really.

NFL teams should scrimmage during the bye week to keep working

Teams should do a full contact scrimmage on Sunday during the bye week at any rate just to keep the work going.

Christians are empirically more successful NFL players than any other denomination

Based on empirical evidence, Christians are much more successful NFL players than any other denomination. You've never heard a quarterback thank Satan for winning the Super Bowl. The NFL stands for Never Faithless. And guess what? Jesus is the leading receiver of all time.

Arian Foster should convert to Christianity to improve his play

Arian Foster is a noted atheist. If there's one thing that God hates more than the devil, it's people like Foster who don't have the courage to believe in anything beyond the nose on their face.

Quarterbacks Are Overpaid — Just Hand It To Woodhead

Overpaid quarterback with the eight-figure salary. Hand it to the man with the Energizer battery.

Danny Woodhead Protects The Shield

He's Woodhead, he protects the shield. He's Woodhead, and he wrecks the field.

Woodhead Is Rushin' And Wet Like Putin In The Rain

Working up a sweat, moving the chains. He's rushin' and wet, like Putin in the rain.

Being Christian And Being Elite Are One And The Same

Christian and elite, those are one and the same.

DeAngelo Williams needs to understand America cares about his highlights on the field, not in his hair

What DeAngelo Williams needs to understand is that America cares more about the highlights he puts on the field than the highlights he puts in his hair.

The NFL needs an awareness month for fans who don't have cancer

I think at the same token, the NFL needs to also have an awareness month for their fans who don't have cancer, to be fair.