Takes

Alabama could beat the Miami Dolphins

The Dolphins are trash. The Dolphins are trash and Alabama can beat them. What's a better, what's a better debate? That is Yukon women's basketball bad for women's basketball... Or which school is the real DBU?

Alabama could beat the Dolphins if they had Tom Brady and Bill Belichick

Hank, could Alabama beat the Dolphins if they had Tom Brady as a quarterback? Tom Brady as a quarterback, Belichick as the other coach... [Hank]: Yes. With that type of strategy, like give him two weeks to prepare... Yeah.

Kyle Sloter should start for the Vikings over Kirk Cousins

Kirk Cousins needs to be benched. Kyle Sloter needs to start the season for the Vikings... This guy's the best fucking player in the history of any league's preseason of all time.

NFL teams should be allowed to give one rookie a monk haircut as team building

I think that you should be allowed to give one rookie a monk. Yes, yes, I agree. That's not hazing, that's team building. That's funny. Big difference. If it's funny, it's not hazing.

The NFL 100 logo is terrible and looks like it belongs to an expansion league

My hot seat is the NFL 100 logo. I'm already sick of it... It's not that cool of a logo to begin with, but they've put it everywhere so far this year... It looks a little bit like an Expansion League football logo... like the AAF logo if it was designed by somebody with a head wound.

Michael Crabtree didn't sign with the Cardinals because he feared Aqib Talib

My cool throne is Michael Crabtree. So Michael Crabtree decided not to sign with the Arizona Cardinals yesterday... It would have been a terrible move for him because he would have had to play against Aqib Talib twice. Oh, he didn't want that chain snatched. Yeah, the Dunn chain was about to hang over his neck, and Aqib Talib was about to swipe it off.

Having Ryan Fitzpatrick as your quarterback is a bad strategy if you are trying to tank

If you want to tank, don't have Ryan Fitzpatrick be your quarterback... Ryan Fitzpatrick is always good for a few wins out of nowhere. So if you want to tank, don't have Ryan Fitzpatrick be your quarterback. But Brian Flores is going for it.

Roger Goodell should suspend Tom Brady for cliff diving with his daughter

It would be the ultimate troll move by Roger Goodell to suspend Tom Brady for one game after Tyreek Hill gets zero and just be like, hey, there's videotape... wouldn't be right, but it would be fucking funny.

Russell Wilson is definitely a Hall of Famer

Russell Wilson will be a Hall of Famer. Yes, he's a Hall of Famer.

NBC will bring back 'Waiting All Day for Sunday Night' because of a lawsuit

They're being sued for using that song ['Oh, Sunday Night'] because it's too much of a ripoff of another song. I'm thinking they're going to bring back Waiting All Day for Sunday Night. I think they have to go back to the hits, right?

The 2019 Browns have high talent but are destined for heartbreak

In my opinion, they definitely have the most talent inside their entire division, if not one of the top two or three in the AFC. And I hope that they do really well, but I've been watching the NFL for long enough to know that when you're certain of something being good, that's when it's going to be bad.

Larry Fitzgerald is a 100% lock for the first-ballot Hall of Fame

There's never been more of a lock for Hall of Fame than Larry Fitzgerald. He will be 100% first vote.

Robbie Gould will quit football if he isn't traded back to the Chicago Bears

Robbie Gould, I think, is demanding—I think he's essentially demanding that he will quit football if he doesn't get to be a Bear again. ... I'm all for it when it helps the Bears especially with how bad they the Bears have three kickers right now on their roster.

Odell Beckham Jr. is genuinely happy to be in Cleveland and away from Eli Manning

Odell Beckham Jr. because he wants everyone to listen he is totally happy in Cleveland... Odell Beckham is probably just happy he's away from Eli Manning. He truly actually is happy that he doesn't have to play with Eli Manning anymore.

The Chargers will never win a Super Bowl in their Baby Blue jerseys

They're never going to win a Super Bowl in the Baby Blues, but it looks great. I'm done believing in the San Diego Chargers.

Daniel Jones will be the second quarterback taken in the 2019 NFL Draft

Daniel Jones from Duke, 6'5", 220, 6'5". John Elway just took off his pants, is rocketing up the mock drafts... But he might be the second guy taken.

Archie Manning is behind the Daniel Jones hype to protect Eli Manning's job

Very clearly Archie Manning [is behind this] because the Manning family is fucking in love with Duke's coach [David Cutcliffe]... And this guy is just somebody that's been around Peyton and Eli for long enough that Archie's like, he's my third boy... He knows how to keep this guy under control and not be good enough to take Eli's job for at least five years.

The Bears won the Jay Cutler trade

I think we can all look back and say that was a great success. I think the Bears won that trade. I remember vividly... thinking the Bears are probably going to win two Super Bowls from Jay Cutler.

Robert Kraft is probably guilty despite his 'not guilty' plea

Mr. Kraft... Not guilty. That's his plea. He still probably is guilty, but he pled not guilty. He pled not guilty to not being sorry. He's truly sorry for disappointing people, but he has pled not guilty.

Rob Gronkowski will eventually come back and play football

And [Gronk] is going to come back. No, I was [listening], but Belichick doesn't talk in hypotheticals... I can be a Belichick guy, but also be my own person [and say he's coming back].

The Giants are crazy for letting Landon Collins walk for nothing

My hot seat is the New York Giants. So they won't franchise tag Landon Collins. They're going to let him walk. The guy who's 25 years old, made three Pro Bowls, seems to be like the heart of the locker room. So the Giants are letting him walk. And essentially, I think the Giants' plan is to just keep paying Eli forever.

The AAF's ratings increase is actually a bad sign because it means fans want 'too good' of football

Ratings were up last week big time... Especially considering that Christian Hackenberg got benched. So they benched him. I don't actually like the fact that ratings went up when he went out. It tells me that the viewers... They want too good a football. If you don't love me at my Hackenberg, you don't deserve me at my Mettenberger.

Matthew Stafford will own major passing records and still be considered a bad quarterback

Matthew Stafford is going to be a real problem for the NFL Hall of Fame. when he plays 10 more years and has every record and is the shittiest quarterback of all time. Matthew Stafford was basically the most perfect, terrible quarterback to come along and play as much as he is. If he plays for like 10 more years, he will have every record.

The Jets will sign Antonio Brown and Le'Veon Bell but still win only six games

This is going to be just the Jets getting Antonio Brown in, Le'Veon Bell, and then still winning six games, right? Yes. Because that's going to be... It's going to be so funny.

Jerry Jones should hire Tony Romo as the Cowboys head coach

I think that Tony Romo would be a great coach... because we would get the chance to see Tony Romo blow more fourth quarter games... And Jerry Jones will never fire him. No, make it happen, Jerry.

Drew Lock is an alpha male because he gave a reporter double finger guns and a wink

Drew Lock also had the most masculine moment of all time during his press conference today... Reporters were asking him questions. They started asking him how important it is to get his lower body into his throws. And in the middle of the question, he gave him the double finger guns and the wink... This dude is an alpha.

The cold weather in Kansas City favors the Chiefs over the Patriots in the AFC Championship.

My hot seat is the New England Patriots. Because it is going to be 5 to 10 degrees in Kansas City... It favors the Kansas City Chiefs. This is their home field. The Patriots, I don't know if they can do it in the cold.

5'9" is now 'Heisman height' because of Kyler Murray

We're rebranding 5'9". Now it's Heisman height. That's what we're calling it. I'm 5'9". Perfectly average height for a scat back.

Vikings GM Rick Spielman's game day routine is absolute insanity

Rick Spielman... eats the same breakfast sandwich: fried egg, bacon, and peanut butter on a wheat round. He shaves the left side of his face, then the right. He puts his shoes and socks on before his pants. Leaves his house at the same time so he can arrive at the stadium at 8... uses the same pump, and makes sure always to end his purchase on a zero. Zeros are just good.

Bill O'Brien is a bad coach who will never win a Super Bowl

Bill O'Brien's a bad coach and no way he's going to win a Super Bowl. Yeah, exactly. No way he's going to win a Super Bowl.

Urban Meyer will coach the Packers and Mike McCarthy will coach the Browns

The tip that I got, I think I said it last week, that the dominoes have started to fall. Hugh Jackson gets fired. Urban Meyer goes to coach the Packers. Mike McCarthy gets fired, coaches the Browns because of John Dorsey. And then Bob Stoops comes and coaches Ohio State.

Nathan Peterman will beat the Chicago Bears

Big Cat is on the hot seat... because your Chicago Bears have to play against Nathan Peterman on Sunday. Peterman's back... Nathan Peterman hasn't played his best game yet. And I know that because he wouldn't still be on the roster if he was that bad.

Jerry Jones traded for Amari Cooper because he was drinking Johnny Walker Blue

I do not understand how the Dallas Cowboys gave up a first-round pick for Amari Cooper... Jerry Jones... the reason is Johnny Walker Blue.

Marshawn Lynch is faking his injury because he doesn't want to play for Jon Gruden

Marshawn Lynch is out... He's out with an injured groin is the explanation they gave. I don't think that Marshawn Lynch is capable of having his groin injured... I think he doesn't like Jon Gruden. He doesn't want to play for Jon Gruden to do a car.

Josh Allen's ligaments were too weak to support his rocket arm

His arm was too strong that his ligaments couldn't support all the muscle... the good news is he doesn't need Tommy John surgery.

'Showtime Mahomes' is a terrible nickname that does not work

My other hot seat is Patrick Mahomes' nickname. We've got to find a better nickname for that. Showtime. Showtime Mahomes does not work. That just doesn't work. It just doesn't work.

Kliff Kingsbury never developed a personality because he is too good-looking

Kingsbury, he's all hat, no cattle. He's just a good-looking guy, so he never developed a personality, so he gives out shitty nicknames like Showtime.

The Jets vs. Browns color rush game is going to suck

Can I counterpoint you? That game is going to suck. Because Pup Punk is House of Blues, Boston. You should go to that instead.

Jason Garrett will definitely be fired this year

I think that... This is absolutely the year that he [Jason Garrett] gets fired. He's going to lose to the Giants on Sunday night, by the way.

Tom Brady shipped Jimmy Garoppolo to San Francisco because he was a Republican

I think he shipped Jimmy Garoppolo out to San Francisco because Jimmy G was a Republican. And he didn't like having a Republican as his teammate. So he's like, I'm going to send you out to hang out with all the libs out in San Francisco.

The Chiefs' new parking lot policy is the beginning of the end for tailgating

The Chiefs have started a new policy where after the game starts, they're just going to start kicking people out of the parking lot. I feel like it could just be the beginning of the end... They're going to slowly outlaw tailgates.

Ben Roethlisberger will gain 150 pounds as soon as he retires from the NFL

[Ben Roethlisberger] is going to gain like 150 pounds when he retires. He's going to be so fat. He's going to be like Ron Dayne.

The Bengals giving massive contracts to defensive tackles is a smart strategy because it's impossible to tell if a defensive tackle is a bust

The Cincinnati Bengals just gave huge contracts to both their defensive tackles... but it's actually a very smart strategy because everyone always says the Bengals are the cheapest team in football... by making these big contracts to positions that you can never really tell if a defensive tackle is a bust... they're kind of hiding their money there.

Joe Flacco still has the best-looking spiral in the NFL

I think [Joe Flacco] still has number one most fuckable spiral in the NFL. ... Brady Quinn in college, Joe Flacco in the NFL. ... I threw a spiral on Monday Night Football, and it was like, yup, Joe Flacco.

Paxton Lynch's days in the NFL are numbered

My hot seat is Paxton Lynch. I think I'm just going to put him on my hot seat until he's out of the NFL ... Paxton Lynch, your days are numbered, bucko.

Case Keenum is officially on 'Swag Watch' because Swag Kelly is nipping at his heels

My hot seat is Case Keenum because we are on Swag Watch 2018. Swag Kelly is now the second-string quarterback for the Denver Broncos, nipping at Case's heels, and he's looking pretty good doing it.

Paxton Lynch is the worst draft pick of all time

Paxton Lynch is going to totally get off the hook here. People will just forget he existed, but I will not let him off the hook because... Paxton Lynch stinks, and he's going to probably end up making whatever it was, $15 million for being a first-round pick. That guy needs to be like – someone needs to write a book. Paxton Lynch stinks.

Swag Kelly is the most talented quarterback on the Denver Broncos roster

Billy Football first reported that [Swag Kelly] is the most talented quarterback on that roster. Yes. And I love kind of the wildcard-ness that Swag brings. His name's Swag Kelly. He is the epitome of a wildcard.

Roger Goodell should revoke David Tepper's ownership if he removes the NFL shield from the 50-yard line.

[David Tepper] is thinking about changing the midfield logo to a Panther. This would be the Panthers spitting in the face of Roger Goodell. I think Roger Goodell should think about revoking his charter as an owner.

Aaron Donald is one of the top five players in the league and the Rams need to pay him

they have not given their best player and one of the top five players in the league, Aaron Donald, a new contract. So I feel like this is not getting – you've got to take care of that guy, right?