Takes

The US should lobby to cancel Olympic hockey so we can remain the permanent gold medalists

Let's try to, if we win again, let's just try to get hockey canceled in the Olympics. So it just stays ours from now on. Like honestly, it's not good for the health and safety of the NHL players. It should go back to just being amateurs.

Connor McDavid will leave the Oilers after the next three seasons

He's Gonzo win or lose. We have three seasons left with Connor McDavid. That's my opinion... after three years, so three more playoffs. I think that would've been 13 years for McDavid.

Connor McDavid is the greatest hockey player of all time

I just started running around the room... running around greatest hockey player of all time. I just started tweeting that like, it's just, it's incredible to watch him.

The Capitals are going to 'skull fuck' Paul Bissonnette and the Maple Leafs in the Eastern Conference Finals

Paul Bissonnette, you better hope that you get your ass kicked in the second round because I wouldn't like nothing better than the skull fuck you in the Eastern Conference finals. And I will, I will skull fuck you. Tom Wilson will skull fuck you.

Leon Draisaitl is more valuable to the Oilers than Connor McDavid this year

I'm an Oilers guy and Leon Draisaitl has just to me been the best player in the league. The most valuable player of the Oilers McDavid's had this great year still, but not McDavid. And then he's leading the league in goals by a lot.

There is a 0% chance the Rangers win the Stanley Cup

[Big Cat: What are you gonna do if the Rangers win the cup?] They're not gonna win the cup. [Big Cat: How could you say a team that's up three one in the second round has a 0% chance to win the cup?] Who cares? [Islanders] won four in a row.

The Capitals are actually leading the Rangers 2-0 based on my advanced analytics

Using the proprietary algorithm that we set forward after game one, I have the Capitals actually winning this game, three goals to two. So the Caps take a commanding two-nil series lead on the road. And also during the game, it was pretty obvious that the real score to the game was three for the Caps, three for the Rangers, one for the referees because the refs just absolutely gave that game to the Rangers.

The Capitals technically won Game 1 against the Rangers if you ignore three specific minutes of play

If you take out like three minutes in the second period, we actually tied this game. One. One. ... If you take out that 10 seconds and the two and a half minutes in the second period, the caps actually won. This game won nothing... and it turns out that we technically kind of actually won that game.

The Penguins faked the Jaromir Jagr bobblehead truck hijacking because they forgot to order them.

I've got a car filled with Jaromir Jagr bobbleheads that I'm trying to get rid of... I don't think the bobbleheads existed. I think maybe I, I think that maybe there were no bobbleheads and the Penguins were like, 'fuck it's bobblehead night, we forgot to order these things.' It's Jussie Smollett head night. They're like, 'well we don't have—oh yeah, the cops, we called the cops, they're looking into it right now.'

Connor McDavid and Leon Draisaitl are the best duo since Michael Jordan and Scottie Pippen

I say he's Pippen and Jordan, I say the best duo since Pippen and Jordan. Wow. They're gonna, I think they're gonna win win a championship.

I will smoke crack if the Toronto Maple Leafs win the Stanley Cup

I'll smoke crack if the, if the [Maple Leafs] win the Stanley Cup. How about that? I'll match. I'll take a hit of secondhand crack.

Canadians run funny because they skate from such a young age and don't look like athletes when they are off the ice

The chaos are a team of Canadians and what's really funny is they all run funny because they're all Canadians and Canadians all run funny cuz they all played hockey. Yeah. So you see them trotting around. This is true... hockey development from skating from such a young age and they don't run. Right. This is true. I've never seen hockey players like play pickup basketball... they don't even look like they athlete off the ice.

If Connor McDavid doesn't win the Stanley Cup this year, he is a 'bum'

My big bet is gonna be on the Oilers... because I'm sick of you telling me how Connor McDavid's the best athlete in all of sports... this is a personal one-on-one legacy match... If he doesn't win the cup this year, he is a bum.

There is a good chance the 1980 Soviet hockey team threw the Miracle on Ice game for money

I was thinking what, there's probably a pretty good chance that, that Russian team threw the game. Right? Cause like they were, they were bigger, older, stronger professional hockey players... It wouldn't be above like corrupt Russians to take a shitload of money on the side.

The NHL beat writer who celebrated with the Stanley Cup should be fired for a lack of integrity

There was a Colorado Avalanche beat writer that picked up the Stanley Cup and celebrated with the team and called it one of the best nights of his life. And frankly he should be executed. Yeah. Send him to the LIV tour. They should chop his head off. That's not what journalism is supposed to be in America. It's supposed to be fearless truth tellers, impartial scribes.

The Maple Leafs will finally get over the playoff hump this year

I'm confident that they're going to be able to get over that edge this year... I've doubled down on my four skin challenge where I'm going to double down and you can chop my whole cock off and keep it if that fucking team can't make [a run].

Alex Ovechkin is officially better than Wayne Gretzky now that he has 700 goals

Ovi just scored his 700th goal. ... I'm predicting. I'm going to be at the Caps game on Saturday night. I'm going to see him score two more goals. ... And then it's going to happen. Now he's officially better than Wayne Gretzky.

If the Hurricanes lose their playoff series, Big Cat will track down and kill Hamilton the Pig.

If the hurricanes lose, I'm going to try to track down the pig and kill it... I'll kill a pig. Let's do bacon until it dies of a heart attack.

The 2018 Washington Capitals were a dynasty and perhaps the best hockey team ever assembled

The Washington Capitals. So the Caps year wins year of the year. Truly a magical run. A dynasty. Maybe the best hockey team of all time ever assembled. Great coaching, great executing, great fans.

Due to the 'Parallax Effect,' there has actually never been a goal scored in the history of hockey

There's a little something called the parallax effect... Depending on where you're standing in the arena, the puck can never be in the net. So we're good... That was not a goal. That was a great call by the official. The presence of mind to use the parallax effect in the middle of a game... you can't teach that.

I will eat one bite of horse shit if the Capitals beat the Penguins

I think you should have to eat shit if they beat the Penguins. Agreed. Just one bite. I'm not saying... Just one bite. Everyone knows the rules. ... Caps beat the Penguins. We're going to Central Park, and PFT's going to eat some shit. Just one bite.

I will eat horse shit if the Washington Capitals win the Stanley Cup

I actually stand with the guy [in Philly] who ate the poop... If the Washington Capitals win the Stanley Cup, I will eat horse shit.

The NHL is a money laundering operation for Russia

If you were to run the NHL as a money laundering operation, you would not do anything differently than Gary Bettman has done in the last 10 years... I'm guessing it's some sort of a money laundering scheme from Russia. That's the only thing I can come up with.

The NHL needs another Sidney Crosby concussion to get back into the limelight

I'll tell you what we need. We need a Sidney Crosby concussion. That always gets the NHL into the limelight. Just another one of those. Even if he's not concussed, just say, yeah, he's concussed and he's actually going to skate tomorrow.

The Washington Capitals will be 2018 Stanley Cup champions

I might just go tonight and get a Washington Capitals 2018 Stanley Cup champions tattoo.

The 'Crosby Theory': A team gets better after losing its best player

I think it's fair to ask now if the Penguins are better without Sidney Crosby... If you lose your best player, but your team gets better, the Crosby theory.

Sidney Crosby was only injured because there is a lack of fighting in modern hockey

The real issue is Sidney Crosby only got hit in his head like that because there's not as much fighting in hockey as there used to be. Because if this was back in the good old days, then players would know you can't go after another player's head like that. So the Penguins, they're too big of pussies. And they have no enforcer, so they are the ones that got Sidney Crosby injured.

The Capitals will sweep the Penguins in the next round of the playoffs

I've taken my fingers so far off the panic button. I've got ones in the air right now. I've got my finger in the air calling it. We're going to sweep the Penguins. Next round. I'm not even concerned with Maple Leafs anymore.

The Capitals will sweep every round of the 2017 postseason and won't lose a game

I'm going to need to go to some Caps games. They're only going to be four per round because they're going to sweep. They're probably not going to lose a game this entire postseason.

The Soviet Union would have won the Cold War if they had beaten the US in the 1980 'Miracle on Ice' hockey game

I have two. One is a historical one with the Russians, which they had to do over in 1980. They would have won the Cold War if they won that hockey game. People forget that that was not the gold medal game, though. That was the semifinals.

Gustav Nyquist should get five to seven years in prison for his high-sticking incident

I think you should get five to seven years in prison for that. [on Gustav Nyquist hitting a guy in the face with a stick].

The US should invade Canada for their hockey players

Just invade Canada already... I'm sick of America being nice. Where's that gotten us? We haven't won a Hockey World Cup ever... Just do it just for the sports. Or just be a really bad neighbor... Let's shade all of Canada and then we own it.

Hockey helmets have increased concussions because they evolved the human skull to be thinner

I actually think that helmets have done more to increase concussions in hockey than they've done to help because it's like evolution. It kicks in a little bit and your brain, your skull doesn't have to be as thick anymore. Like the way that we coddle these athletes, it's actually hurting them in the long term.

Capitals goalie Braden Holtby is using Adderall to play well in the playoffs

I don't follow hockey that closely, but I know that there's always one good goalie in the playoffs. And whoever that guy is this year... I want to go [Braden] Holtby. [Braden] Holtby is using Adderall.