Takes

Drinking alcohol makes you smarter by killing your weakest brain cells first

when you drink enough, it actually kills brain cells. That's a fact... If you kill brain cells, it's targeting the smaller, weaker brain cells first. Like a buffalo herd, and if you get rid of the weak ones, then it makes your brain function more efficiently.

Neil Armstrong spelled backwards is 'Alien'

Neil Armstrong. First person walking the moon, right?... Neil A. Spelled backwards. Alien.

Clout is a drug that is cocaine-like but not addictive and has no hangover

Clout is like a drug that you only do when you're in Hollywood. You do clout, and you have the greatest party of all time... Clout is like, it's cocaine, but it's cleaner, and it's not addictive. It's not addictive, non-bad for you. No hangover.

DC sports are officially cursed

As a fan of the Nationals and the Capitals, I'm beginning to think maybe somebody from DC Sports went back in time and stepped in a Kardashian or something... It's cursed. At this point we can say maybe Mark Rypien got, what's her name, the matriarch of the Kardashian family, got her pregnant and then had an abortion or something.

The chicken definitely came before the egg

I think it had to be the chicken. How did that chicken get made if there was going to be an egg? ... I feel like [God] just created the chicken and boom, the egg was next.

Flushing the toilet while someone is showering can cause them to 'shower in poop'

Hank brings up a good point. It messes up the pipes. The poop gets in the pipes... You're going to be showering in your own poop, yeah. I don't want it to be fresh.

High school is useless and you don't learn anything you use as an adult

I'm kind of in agreement with [LaVar Ball] because who needs high school? Name one thing that you learned in high school that you used today. That's what I thought. No. You don't learn shit in high school.

Hobbies are red flags for men; you should only play video games or watch sports

If a man has a hobby, that's just a red flag. Hobbies are red flags always and forever. You either play video games or you watch sports. That's how men do it.

Every professional athlete needs a 'common sense guy' in their crew to keep them out of trouble

Out of your crew, have one guy that's got some common sense... you need a tech guy. You need a driver. One guy to do the troll accounts. Social media.

I would definitely win a 3-on-1 fight against Siciliano, Rapoport, and Schefter

Take me down? Or, like, what do you mean? Murder you. Yeah... No. Absolutely not. I don't know what he's smoking... I am being cocky. I would still kill him.

Tom Brady is right that drinking water prevents sunburns because fish never get sunburned

Tom Brady has actually – he's the scientist who has found the nourishing effects of water. Well, I'd like to point out that I've never seen a sunburned fish in my life, and they are just surrounded by water all the time.

Mormon soaking is a real practice where couples stay still to avoid technically having sex

The soak is you're not allowed to have sex before you get married... You are allowed to soak. What does that mean? You just put it in. Don't move. Just lay there. You soak it. Just put it in... with no friction.

Cheating on your wife shouldn't count as cheating if you are under 5'5"

If you're under 5'5", I don't think it's cheating. Yeah, you're fulfilling your natural destiny at that point. You're just shocked that a woman pays attention to you.

MeUndies needs to add an 'escape hatch' for older men to avoid the 'drip factor'

I have raised a legitimate question here. How can you not have an escape hatch for the undies? ... At my age, there was what we call a drip factor. ... You can't get Mr. Johnson out without pulling him down.

Pissing in the kitchen sink is acceptable because 'pipes are pipes'

A hole is a hole. We all agree with that, right? ... I think you mean pipes are pipes. ... I don't think I did anything wrong. ... [PFT tells story of pissing in the kitchen sink].

Telescopes are just an optical illusion and don't actually get you closer

So if you reflect things enough, eventually they get really close. ... It actually gets you closer because that's the only thing that you can see. So it's an optical illusion. So you think that you're closer because it's all that your eye has in its vision.

Men should not show their knees in an office setting

I actually stand with that rule because I've long said that shorts are gross. Men should not show their knees. That's fucked up. That's unbecoming.

Steve Jobs didn't design the iPhone for people to put cases on it

I have never had a case on my phone. Skin on metal. Feels good. Feels real good. Feels wrong to do it. Steve Jobs didn't make an iPhone to put a fucking case on it.

Metaphysical intention can change the structure of water

It's about how intention changes water. So you'll talk to water and you'll say I love you and then there's that glass and then I hate you and you put that glass down. You tell what, it's the emotion attached to that water and it'll be from the same water source just different word association and then it shows under a microscope what it looks like with the word intention associated with it.

Relationships that survive the first four months of football season are destined for marriage

If you can make it through the first four months of football season with a new fling, you're basically going to get married.

Ass-eating season is over and toe-sucking season has returned

Ass-eating's over. I'm calling it. I think toe-sucking season's back. Toe-sucking's back in, guys.

Gambling is for the rich to lose money and is the biggest lie in America

the world has been seduced into thinking you win money gambling, which is the biggest lie since probably the Bible's true... whoever taught someone, gambling is for the rich to lose money. But the whole youth of America and America thinks you're supposed to win money gambling. So I tell it like it is. I explain to people, you don't win money gambling, you lose money gambling. Gambling is made to have fun and lose your money.

Fall starts when August ends

This is what I consider to be the start of fall. I'm a big September 21st truther. I think that fall starts when August ends.

Men should cover up their legs and never wear shorts

Hot take. The once and future king of Mount Rushmore season, shorts. Cool take. I kind of hate shorts. I think men should cover up their legs.

Incest should be legal if the people involved are attractive enough

There should be a rule against making incest illegal if you're hot enough... every time that you see purebred dog, guess what? That dog's got a shitload of incest in its lineage. If you're above like a nine... you should be allowed to commit incest because those are good genes you got going on.

I would give away five to ten years of my life to guarantee Wi-Fi on every plane flight.

Nothing worse in the world than being on a plane with no Wi-Fi and no TVs. I would give away five to ten years of my life to make sure that I had Wi-Fi on a plane all the time.

Steam rooms have been proven to boost your natural human growth hormone

Steam rooms have been proven to boost your natural human growth hormone. It just helps your body repair itself. Anything that shocks your central nervous system causes your body to change.

The 2017 solar eclipse is a shadow designed by scientists to get us excited about space

I think it's Something that's designed by scientists to get us excited about space, but it's actually pretty lame Well, you know what the in eclipse is it's a fucking shadow. Yeah, we're excited about a shadow.

Don't ever wear a high school Letterman jacket in college

No Letterman jackets. Come on, guys. When you go to college, high school's over. Don't be that guy who shows up to college and talks about how fun their high school was. That guy's a loser.

Don't have any visitors from high school your first semester of college

Don't invite any of your high school friends to show up... they come, they get too drunk, they get in a fight with your college friends... Don't have any visitors for your entire first semester of college.

I am five foot eight

[I am] five foot eight. That is definitely... [I'm] definitely not 5'6".

Any amount of weed up to 50 pounds should be considered personal use for Zach Randolph

I think any good lawyer will be able to get him off because there's no amount of weed that's too much for Zach Randolph to have as personal use. ... You could have like 20, I'm going to say 20 to 50 pounds of marijuana, and that should have qualified under personal use for the two of those guys.

Break up with your significant other before starting freshman year of college

My first is don't ever have a girlfriend or boyfriend your freshman year of college. Good one. That's breakup time. Yep. ... always break up that first year. You can always get back together if you want to. Long distance.

Always bet on home dogs in college sports and never bet the under

Always bet on home dogs in college football and basketball. Also, it goes without saying, but never bet the under. You don't want to be that fucking. I'd rather lose a million bets betting the over than win one betting the under.

Never congratulate a woman on being pregnant

Never, ever congratulate a woman on being pregnant. Oh, yeah. Never. And don't touch the belly. I don't care if she's got a bracelet on and she's in the hospital. Never congratulate you. Because you're going to be wrong. You might be right 99 times. You'll be wrong. Guess what? The people that you say, hey, congrats on being pregnant to, they're not going to give a shit. The one person that you mess up on, that's going to haunt you.

Masturbation makes you gay

This is a life advice that I've gotten. I don't know if it's true. Okay. But I was once told that masturbation makes you gay.

The sun is cold because space is cold

If you got a rocket ship and you took it into outer space and you stuck your finger out the window, your finger would freeze because space is cold. So if the sun's hot, how come space is cold?

Tim Tebow literally cured autism by shaking a fan's hand

No, he cured autism. ... Well, he went up and shook the guy's hand, and then he went up and hit a home run. ... so he cured autism, so it's okay to vaccinate your kids.

Ferrets are a gateway drug to snakes and snake owners are the worst people

Ferrets are a gateway drug to snakes, and people who own snakes are the worst people in the world. So you need to do something about that.

The moon controls both the oceans and human periods

The moon controls all the earth's oceans and periods so it's just kind of it just controls all the liquids in everyone's bodies that's why sometimes when guys look at the moon they start coming. It's just gravity pulling it out of her balls.

The sun is scientifically cold because space is cold

Where do you land, by the way, on our theory that the sun is, in fact, cold? I'm a fan of the space that just seems to shut everybody down. Space is cold and everyone just... When you said you were willing to hear it out, I was just going to say space is cold. That's it.

Using an Android phone makes you a huge nerd compared to using an iPhone

He's not an iPhone guy. That's a huge nerd. Huge nerd. Like, well, all of China doesn't use an iPhone. They use Androids. Actually, the Android operating system is superior. It moves faster. I don't care that I make all my friends hate me because they have to text in green bubbles.

Finishing a beer after being arrested for it is protected by double jeopardy

I think if you start the beer and you get arrested for drinking that beer and then you finish it and they try to arrest you again, that's double jeopardy. It is. You can't be charged twice for the same crime. If it's the same beer.

People who leave empty shopping carts in parking lots are fundamentally inconsiderate

When I go to a parking lot... can't these people take the empty shopping carts and return them where they got them? I mean, what is the big deal? ... People are so generally inconsiderate.

Young adults should be assholes and selfish until they turn 25

I don't trust people who know exactly what they want to do in life when they're 18 and 19 years old because we're all shitheads before we're 25. Until you turn 25, you should be an asshole. You should be selfish. You should not care about anybody else. You should just want to have a good time all the time.

Butts are on the Hot Seat because boobs are back in style

My hot seat is butts. Big hot seat because New York Post... they just wrote a trend piece about how boobs are back. So going to put butts square on the hot seat. Guess what? You thought it was cool to have a big butt? Everyone that went out there and got butt implants, you might want to see if those go two ways and you can just move them up to your chest.

Space is cold, therefore the sun is actually cold

Why is space cold if the sun is hot? We think the sun is cold. Outer space is black, but it's cold. So shouldn't outer space be really, really hot? [The sun] is not [hot]. Have you ever looked the sun directly in the eyes? Never have. Right. So does it even exist?

I will win the World Series of Poker Main Event again

I still think I'm going to win [the World Series of Poker Main Event] sometime, and I'll tell you why. It has the best structure of any poker tournament we have... you have a lot of time to work your chips up.

A .10 BAC is the minimum threshold for an underage drinking citation to be considered cool

At least a .10. That's really the threshold right there. Come on, like .04? Would you use mouthwash that morning?

Bunnies will not chew on power cords if they have an electric current

Bunnies won't chew on a cord if it has electric current going through it. Because they just know. ... Because they're just smart.