Takes

Vacations are for suckers and losers

Full stop. Fucking work hard. Hank vacation. Boy, you're soft bitch. All these vacations you're taking. I didn't even like doing it. I wanted to be working with the boys... vacations for suckers and losers.

I will die at 77 in a shocking accident like a shark attack or saving kids

If I can make it to 77, I think I'll make it to 77 clean. And I think I'm gonna go like from like a shark attack or something really... I want to get like attacked by an animal or like a plane crash would be nice... I want my death to be shocking... Saving some kids. That's what I want. Hero. That's how I wanna die.

Hank has never correctly guessed the lottery ball

Never. Never... [Mepo] doesn't even know how he knew that it's just in his body and it came bursting out. Liar, liar style. Just like, no. And he's like, how did I know that?

Valentine's Day should be moved to the NFL bye week before the Super Bowl

The Sunday of the bye week actually should be Valentine's Day. It should, we should stop making it February 14th. It should just be whatever that bye week is before the Super Bowl when there's no football on TV for everybody to be distracted by.

I am going to get back into Olympic weightlifting this off-season

Not this is my big one and I think people are gonna laugh at it. But I'm gonna try to get back into Olympic weightlifting. I did it when I was in my twenties. I'm gonna start doing all the fucking weightlifting... cleans and jerks, snatches. Everything.

Punxsutawney Phil is a fraud and a 'wannabe Greta Thunberg'

My big fire fest is really for America... because you guys are letting a groundhog ruin your day today. Punxsutawney Phil saw his shadow... be a fucking man... I'm going to wear shorts and short-sleeve t-shirts just to show that little wannabe Greta Thunberg telling me the sky is falling.

I am having a third child and I purposefully conceived to ensure it wouldn't be born during football season

I'm having another child, so congrats. Father three loading... early June... Are you purposely conceiving for the off-season? I mean, yeah... it's nice not having children during football season. I am a football guy.

People who work office jobs and don't shower in the morning are weird

My hot seat is I guess how I shower because I shower in the morning... People working like a nine to five in an office, not showering in the morning. That's fucking weird. It wakes you up. It makes you feel clean. It makes you feel fresh.

Breakfast is unnecessary and takes up too much time

Intermittent fasting. Breakfast takes up too much time in the morning. Just like eating when you just wake up, do you do that? I think it would fall right with showers.

The 10th strike is the most difficult part of bowling a 300 game

Everybody says the first one is the hardest one to throw. I totally disagree. I think the 10th one is. Because if you don't get the 10th one, then you have no chance... if you got the front nine, that 10th one is the most important.

The US Bowling Congress not inviting me to the US Open is an insult

A five-time Open champion... PBA/USBC Hall of Famer... and I don't get an invite? I think that's just an insult. That to me is a double insult. That I have to ask for an exemption into a tournament that I've won five times.

My mother is the source of the championship genes in the Manning family

No doubt. She was a hoop a hoops player. You know, she, that's where we get the height from. She's, you know, six foot had a little hook shot. She was unstoppable in basketball. So that's where we get, that's where we get our vision. Just seeing the court, you know, and, and you know, but my mom, my mom's the best she was, was our, our ultimate fan and supporter.

I will cut my hair short by the summer if it doesn't improve

I'm dealing with my hair issue... noticeably thinning out back there. I've made the executive decision if it doesn't improve by the summer, we're taking it off. We're going short... I got my own blood injected into my head earlier today... if I haven't turned it around by then, gotta come home.

I am officially refusing to wear flip flops in gym showers or steam rooms

I've been going in the gym's shower and the steam room with no flip flops and I'm disgusted by myself... [but] I'm never getting flip flops. Fuck it. I'm never getting flip flops.

My 83-year-old father can bench press 225 pounds

Poolside [Mark's dad] is still 83 years old. I betcha he could get a couple reps with 225. 83 years old, 225... The dude is like, he'll send a picture... he's on top of a ladder on the front end loader at 83 years old, fixing a light bulb.

I need to become less fun than my son's toys so he stops waking me up in the middle of the night

Last night [my son] got up at one in the morning... he was just sitting next to my bed, wasn't saying anything, just sitting there. I caught him the other day doing this at three in the morning... slowly opening the door with his hands like a ninja. I need to become less fun than his toys. He has toys in there and he's like, 'I'd rather hang out with dad' at 1:00 in the morning.

I can hit 8 out of 10 free throws easily

Someone said, how many free throws would you make out of 10? I was like, in my day, I was a prolific free throw shooter... I can easily hit 8 outta 10. Might have been a little ambitious. I went four out of 10 the first time.

We don't actually know how strong gorillas are because they haven't been trained in powerlifting

Actually trained a gorilla in powerlifting—so we don't really know how strong they actually possibly could be. Also, with their enclosures and zoos, we don't actually know if they just choose to stay in there and can actually break out of anything we design.

I could land a commercial airliner if the pilot became incapacitated

If I got behind the wheel or what the stick of a 737 and I was able to talk to air traffic control, I honestly do believe that I would be able to land a plane. It's pretty simple stuff. It's not rocket science, it's air science.

Short people are crucial for conserving food and resources on our dying planet

Being short is better for the future... Not only do shorter people tend to live longer, but they're also crucial in conserving food and resources on her dying planet. The short are also inherent conservationists, which is more crucial than ever in this world of 8 billion. So basically if we were 10% shorter, we would save 87 millions of tons of food per year.

There are wooly mammoth bones and ivory worth millions in the East River

There's a bunch of treasure in the East River... wooly mammoth bones, tusks, ivory. It's treasure. Millions. Billions. The treasure is on East 65th Street next to the FDR Drive in the water... we're gonna try to go get it.

I am losing 25 pounds in 2023 for my 'hard body' year

2023 is a hard body year. I'm gonna get a hard body... I'm losing 25 pounds in 2023. Losing 25 pounds in 2023... January 1st, new me.

Having a child is a completely transformative experience that non-parents cannot understand

That's one of those ones that like, if you don't have kids, and I'm not shaming anyone, but like when you do have a kid, you're like, oh fuck, this is completely different than anything else.

A best man speech should be three to five minutes long

I think you have to keep it like five minutes or less. I think anyone who goes longer than that is... it's three to five minutes.

Corn is botanically a fruit

Corn is a fruit. If you look it up, corn is a fruit. It has fruit qualities... the kernels of corn are fruit.

Pissing in the kitchen sink is a reward for doing the dishes

I would say I'm still, probably two times a week I piss in my sink. ... Kitchen? What? No, that's what I finished doing the dishes late at night. I, I actually think that this is, and then I just run the, run the water. ... It's a reward. It's a, it's whatever. I like it.

Lexington, Kentucky has a much better food scene than State College, Pennsylvania

I came from Penn State, which quite frankly does not have any good food. And that was a big kind of knock on it. And coming to Kentucky was a change of pace... Malones and Jeff Rubies can't go wrong with either of those Steakhouses. Big fan of Carson's downtown... for breakfast, you gotta go to Josie's.

The 'Baby Bump' is a real thing that improves player performance in sports

We always talk about the baby bump. When a player, any sport has a baby, they start to perform well for a little period of time after. Is that real? I looked it up. Your child was born August 2nd. You hit three 90 the five games afterwards. Your average this year was 2 59.

I work 70 hours a week during the fall

I would say 70 hours a week. That doesn't really count like sitting at home watching games 70 hours a week in the fall. But then it becomes a lot less... I love football, but the idea that we could come in at 7 o'clock on a Sunday and be done in two hours [is nice].

Don't ever bet parlays or exotics; stick to single bets

I read a book in the nineties called The Right Horse. It basically said exotics. parlays for example. You should never bet them cuz they're so enticing. And it's humans. We wanna bet a parlay even like a two game, partly... basically the book, I mean, I'll sum it all up for you, says don't do it. Bet one bet.

I will take Liver King back if he admits he used steroids and was just trying to recover from injury

If he just says like, yeah, guys, I'm 50 years old... I needed this stuff to like, you know, come back. Like if he basically does the, I was injured and I wanted to get back with the team real fast. Like, if he does that, I'll take him back. I'll be like, what? Fuck it, dude. Like at least you're honest now.

The modern day alpha male gets away with lies to feel manly

Guys, you know what, the modern day alpha male doesn't have a lot of things that we can do to make us feel manly, but getting away with lies is one of those things.

Buffalo and Upstate New York are a complete dumpster fire

Upstate New York as a whole to me is just a huge dumpster fire. And it offends me actually that people from up there can say they're New Yorkers... you're only a New Yorker if you live in NYC or Long Island.

Russell Wilson would be the worst quarterback in the NFL to take drugs with

I actually think that Russell Wilson would be the worst quarterback in the NFL to take drugs with. Oh my God, any drug doesn't matter. Like, can you imagine Russell Wilson on cocaine? How fucking annoying he would be... He would two seconds in be like, Do you guys feel it?

Anything done during the pandemic should be forgiven (Pandemic Amnesty)

My cool throne is pandemic amnesty. Turns out anything you do during the pandemic, we're all gonna forget about and forgive each other. I think anything should be forgiven. Like anything. No, but whatever it was, forgive me for it.

Modern truck auto-stop engine technology is dangerous and poorly designed

Every time you stop, it'll go to a full stop, the engine turns off... The thing is the car has to turn off and start back up again. And if people know, like the more miles you get on a truck, the more times you start a truck, the engine's gotta turn over... It happened to me in a busy ass intersection and I couldn't get the truck back started... putting people like myself in danger.

The rats run New York City, not the humans

I think the rats run the city. If you have to say that [the rats don't run the city], I think the rats run the city.

I am getting hair plugs to combat my balding

I'm gonna go one way or the other. I don't wanna stay where I'm at right now. I'm in no man's land... All right. I'm gonna get hair plugs.

Teachers are not blue-collar workers

I don't think the teacher is [blue-collar]. I would say no to that... I don't I think they eat in the cafeteria. [Big Cat: It's mental blue-collar.] I don't know if a teacher is, and it's no disrespect to teachers out there... But I, I don't think they'd say it's blue-collar.

I can survive for three weeks on the streets as a stray dog

How long do you think you could survive on the streets? Like a stray? Three weeks. I'm a warrior. I survived out there.

I am officially in my annual 'betting unders' phase

I'm starting to like betting unders and it's a phase I don't like and I do it every year. I win one under and I'm like, that was easy. I'm deep in it right now. I only look at the board and I'm like, 'Oh, I love all these unders.' It's gross. I'll phase out of it and get back to betting on the over for games that I like the under.

War should be replaced by a 'Space Olympics' where countries compete to blow up asteroids for mining rights

We drop so many bombs on Earth every day. Why don't we just throw all those bombs and blow something up and develop a point system and compete. Make it like a Space Olympics. And we like compete with like other countries and space programs. And the winner gets like, I don't know, mining rights to certain natural resources.

Greatness is a mindset rather than an ultimate goal

You talk about the name Greatness Wins. I think a lot of times people look at greatness and they think it's an ultimate goal. I look at it as a mindset, you know, so I look at having that mindset and anything that you want to achieve.

A joint bachelor party between the groom and bride is a terrible idea

Don't do this. This is a bad idea. One side is not happy about this. Deep down they don't really want to do it. The only way this can work is if you have about a 90% clearance rate on both sides of the groomsmen and the bridesmaids being single... otherwise don't do it. It's never fun.

Magnus Carlsen is a 'baby back bitch' for quitting the chess tournament

And then they, they, they finally have another matchup yesterday and Magnus quits after one move. He retires. And he disconnects his entire computer. I might not be this goat thing might not be working out. He might, he might be baby back bitch.

I believe that Queen Elizabeth is in heaven and I definitely believe in hell

[Big Cat]: Do you think Queen Elizabeth is in heaven? [Goff]: I hope so. [Big Cat]: Follow up. I know this is part of the first question. Do you believe in hell? [Goff]: Oh yeah.

I may be allergic to red meat and dairy for the rest of my life due to a lone star tick bite

Turns out I must have stepped on a lone star tick nest... and I got bitten by a bunch of lone star tick larva... which the good news is the larva don't transmit Lyme's... but they can give you an Alpha-gal allergy. That means that Alpha-gal is in all red meat and dairy and I, I might be allergic to red meat and dairy for the rest of my life. I had to go vegan for a month before I get the test... I contracted veganism.

Boobs are the undisputed #1 overall pick for things that are cooler in slow motion

Boobs, easy. So they said, when we said slow motion, max, Hank and memes... they're like, oh, easy way. Who picked? Yeah. But you guys were going to pick it... literally Max took his pants off and started jerking off. He's like boom, boom and boom.

Hangovers at age 37 are a traumatic experience that ruins your entire week

I'm pre upset at myself for how shitty I'm going to feel on Saturday and Sunday... I know I can reach my peak. It's just the, when I reached my peak, the aftermath is very, very difficult to bounce back with. So I'm, I probably won't feel good again until mid next week. So yeah, pre fire-festing the hangover and the regret that I have from going on a bachelor party at 37.

New technology is ruining the art of slacking off in professional sports

[Easy] dealt with something that I realized during this show, I would absolutely hate about being a professional athlete, which is every practice, every rep is videotaped. I think technology's it's ruining the art of slacking off.