Takes

The husband starting the magician restaurant is going to go bankrupt

Guess what? You're opening a magician's restaurant and you're putting all your life savings into it and your kids aren't going to college because their dad is going to be opening a magician's restaurant that's probably going to be pretty sweet until you go bankrupt like three months into it.

Hell is a self-imposed condition created by yourself

Hell is what you make it within yourself... So hell is a self-imposed condition... Hell is really something you create yourself.

I don't trust anyone who marries someone they went to college with

First of all, right off the bat, I don't really trust anybody that gets married to somebody that they went to college with.

Getting the new iPhone within the first month of release is a brag

I have a take I hate people who get the new iPhone within the first month. It's such a fucking brag... if you get it right away, then you are the new iPhone guy and then you have to keep doing that. Every time everyone knows the person who gets the new iPhone immediately.

Time was invented by women to make men feel bad about their performance in bed

Time was just invented by women to make you think that you don't last long enough at sex.

You have to be at least 80 years old to officially die of 'old age'

I would say you have to be over 80 to die of old age. ... Once you pass 80, you can't expect anyone to be sad about your death. That actually is the nice zone.

It is selfish to live past 100 years old

Once the clock strikes 100, at that point, you should just let go. You're being selfish if you live past 100. Yeah, you're kind of trying to show everyone up.

Adult males who buy baseball pants should be put on a no-fly list

I think any time somebody buys an adult male buys a pair of baseball pants. They should be put on a no-fly list.

Jeff Bezos remains bald to keep the 'fire within' to destroy the world

Bald guys are angrier... I think he keeps himself bald to keep that Fire Within. If he had his hair he be like everything's perfect. Why would I build a bunch of robot drones that could kill the world?

The umbilical cord acts like a snorkel so pregnant women can swim without the baby drowning

Umbilical cord is like a snorkel. So if you keep your belly button above the water is fine. That's actually fact for real. Yeah, that's how babies breathe.

Anyone named 'Chase' is limited to being an SEC quarterback, a NASCAR driver, or an American Ninja Warrior course builder.

We realized that if your name is Chase... it's essentially SEC quarterback, NASCAR driver, and American Ninja Warrior course builder. That's it. That's it. Could you imagine being like, 'here's my doctor, his name is Chase'?

If you live in the South, you must cancel your wedding if it is scheduled for November 9th.

PSA. If you're getting married on November 9th, and you live anywhere below, let's say Kentucky. You need to cancel your wedding right now. Because your wedding will be cursed.

Complaining on Twitter about your food being stolen is a dickhead move

I'm blaming her [Lizzo] for complaining online about it because that's a dickhead thing to do. As a fellow curvy person, you never want to tweet about your food not being there... I feel like you're just setting yourself up to get dunked on.

If a man finds an outfit that works, he should wear it every time

If you're a guy and you find something that works, you run that play until it doesn't work anymore. He got a girlfriend who feels secure enough in the relationship to introduce him to her family. That shit's working.

Vaping is about to see a spike in use because it has become 'rebellious' again

My cool throw is vaping because there's been a real spike... in vaping deaths. So now vaping has kind of turned the corner. It's like it's a bad boy thing... well now vaping has entered that realm because it's killing people... I think it's going to see a spike in use.

The '69' joke is starting to fade away

I was actually just talking about that on the ride here... me and Goon were driving up, and we were like, yo, 69? Isn't that – it's kind of like in the past... 69 jokes kind of faded away, which they kind of have. I totally 100% agree.

Nobody can ever truly achieve a first down because of Zeno's paradox

If you really want to get philosophical ... Nobody can ever truly achieve a first down because in order to get ten yards you first have to go five yards. And then you have to get five yards. You have to go two and a half yards and so you will never actually make it all the way to a down.

Andrew Luck's shoulder failed to heal because Indianapolis was the first city to get 5G service

There is a doctor out there. He specializes in holistic medicine... He thinks that Andrew Luck shoulder didn't heal correctly because Indianapolis was the first city in the country to get 5G service. And he thinks that all the data swimming through that City interferes with the Regeneration of stem cells. Oh, so he thinks that Andrew Luck's his shoulder is actually never going to repair because of that.

Short people take over the world for moments and then are infamous for the rest of history

Short people take over the world. For moments. And then are infamous for the rest of history... Tall people run the world day to day. But ironically, they have to be looking over their shoulder.

No one actually likes dad bods; it's a myth

No one actually likes dad bods. That's such a fucking myth. And to be like, have the glimmer of hope... No, that's not real.

Climate change will cause the earth to fry in the next 100 years

Climate change is real and the earth is basically going to fry in the next hundred years... Or less. For sure going to happen.

Peeing in a pool is safer and more logical than getting out to use the bathroom

Stop peeing in the pool? Don't pee in a pool. You're unsafe... You're more likely to injure yourself getting out of a pool and getting back in true than you are if you just stay in the pool and P true... if you walk through the house after being in a pool, you're creating an enormous slip and fall Hazard facts... p in that Soul tip.

No one in history has ever regretted getting a dog

No one regrets a dog. No, no ever that's facts.

Carolina Blue is the best shade of blue

I'll go Carolina blue. Who doesn't love that? Baby blue. Also, a.k.a.

Small dicks and dad bods are the defining trends of the decade

Small dicks are back. That's true. Small dicks are back. So shout out to me and all the other small dick guys, but dad bods and small dicks—it's our decade.

Age 25 is the peak for physical strength in the human body

I'll go with 25. Peak strength. That is the human body's at your peak strength. [...] It's scientific fact. When you're 24 or 25, that's why BYU always wins games. [...] 25 is your peak strength.

Age 100 is the best age because everyone laughs at everything you say

If you get to a hundred, people think you walk on water. I think you're Jesus. [...] Everyone throws you parties. [...] If you're a hundred, people will just laugh at everything you say no matter what. You can go viral at a hundred for just existing.

I am disappointed in Big Cat's flip-flopping on being an anti-vaxxer

I'm a little disappointed in your flip-flopping with anti-vax. [...] If you're going to pick a side, you have to stick to it. [...] What kind of example are you setting for your son without succumbing to peer pressure?

Pretending you were sprayed by a skunk is the ultimate work/school excuse

Saying that you got sprayed by a skunk... if you say 'I got sprayed by a skunk,' nobody will ever question you on that. [...] Skunk it. Free advice. Anybody use it. Never be questioned.

Green Bay is kind of a dump

We went up to Green Bay. Kind of a dump. We talked to Matt LaFleur about coaching Aaron Rodgers. They call it title town for a reason, folks.

Home Depot is the ultimate masculine experience if you don't ask for help

I successfully went to Home Depot and got what I needed without asking anyone. And there's no better feeling in the world. You feel like the manliest man that's ever walked Earth. It took me about 25 minutes to find the wood glue, but I did it.

The fact that pace of play is only an issue in baseball and golf proves they are the most boring sports

The fact that pace of play is only baseball and golf, like the two most boring sports to watch, tells you a lot about what – like that right there, you should be like, you know what? Let's go speed golf. Because if we're talking about pace of play, it probably means people are taking naps during our games.

Eating raw cookie dough is worth the risk of salmonella poisoning

Eating raw cookie dough is worth the risk of salmonella poisoning... Dude, who gets salmonella from fucking eggs anyway? That's such bullshit.

The sound of creasing paper is the worst sound in the world

This is a personal one, but the sound of folding paper, like a crease in folding paper... it's the worst sound in the world.

Feral hogs are a legitimate national problem that needs to be addressed

Someone brought up a very actually the the like the most fair point that's ever been brought up he was like what about the 30 to 50 feral hogs that run in my backyard and terrorize my children... apparently they're a real problem they just run and just they will kill you they're mad they're insane so we need to do something about the feral hogs.

I use Microsoft Excel for everything, including writing poems and drawing pictures

I do everything in Excel. Everything in Excel. I draw pictures in Excel. Excel is the first thing I learned, and I've stayed with it. I'm a disciple of Excel... You can format the cell and do three to four lines or six. They can overlap. It's a very versatile piece of software.

We have all been living in a computer simulation since 2012

My fire fest of the week is the fact that we've all been dead for seven years. Back in 2012, the Large Hadron Collider was invented... And currently we're living in a computer simulation. We're like, God is doing like a Madden Sim season... there are these little tiny glitches that the computer didn't get right. For example, Skechers Shoes. I always thought it was S-K-E-T-C-H-E-R-S. Turns out it's not. There's no T in there.

The goat is the number one farm animal

I'm going to go with the goat... a lot of reasons. I'm thinking logically how much they eat, the reproduction, the price per pound coming from the farm. But the first domesticated animal on earth. And it is the goat. 1, 1. It's quite obvious.

Bees are the most important farm animals because they sustain the ecosystem

I'm going with bees. They're actually the most important animal that you can have. And when they're dying at an alarming rate, then all the other plants and animals in the ecosystem, they face a rapid decline in population once the bees are gone.

Every pair of identical twins has kissed each other at some point

I have a theory that every twin, they kiss at some point. Because they're like, you look like me, I look like you. We're all kind of narcissistic. If I saw myself, I'd be like, give myself a little smooch.

Barefoot people on planes are the most annoying travel people

The barefoot person on the plane. The person who puts their feet up and there are just toes everywhere. It's just gross. I don't care how clean your feet are. When I look at a foot, I assume it's dirty and I imagine the smell even if it doesn't stink.

People who bring hot, smelly food onto planes are assholes

Hot food on the plane guy who brings it in with him. Dude, if you're bringing like a whole Chinese food and then popping it open right when we sit down, you're an asshole. and it smells everywhere, that's the worst.

You should always clap when a plane lands safely

The pilot landed on the ground safely. You just traveled hundreds and hundreds of miles in the air, and you're not going to clap and appreciate what the pilot just did for you? ... Sometimes I ironically will just start a clap. Like I'll do one just to see if I can get it going.

There is no difference between being a hardcore football fan and someone who treats mouse figurines like family

There's zero difference between what we do and these people pretending that their mouse figurines are part of their family. ... We're paying so much attention to football and watching Hard Knocks and breaking down all 22 for no reason on Twitter, they would probably be like, these guys are a bunch of weirdos.

The compact SUV market is a total fraud

The compact SUV world is such a fraud city... it's just a car. And then you actually don't have as much trunk room as you would in a normal car. You put a dog in it, and it's already crowded.

House train a dog by feeding it roast beef while it pees

Get like roast beef or some kind of really good meat from the deli and just give your dog a little piece every time they go to the bathroom outside while they're going to the bathroom. That's how I got [Stella] house trained. She would literally be peeing, eating roast beef out of my hand.

No list should ever last 100 places

100 is way too many for anything. There should be no list that lasts 100 places.

I could catch a fish with my bare hands in an Alaskan river in one day

I said, hey, coach [Jeff Fisher], do you think that I could catch a fish with my bare hands in an Alaskan river? And he said, absolutely... One day. One Alaskan day. Catch it out of the water, kill it, eat it.

There is nothing cooler than being a regular at a place where everyone knows your name

Honestly, there's nothing cooler than being a regular at a bar. You show up and everyone's like, hey, here he comes.

Laptops should be abolished

If you could change any one thing in today's world back to how it was when you were in your 20s, what would it be? I would go without laptops. Get rid of laptops. I can't figure out a laptop. I barely can figure out a phone.