Takes

The Rio Olympics PR company is doing a great job because they successfully used a terrorist cell to get brand impressions

The Olympics, their PR company is just knocking it out of the park still, coming up with all sorts of unique visitors and brand impressions on people with all these scandals going on. They thwarted a 10-person terrorist cell. What? That's all the terrorists, so no more of them... My understanding is there are banners saying that police officers don't get paid in Rio. But somehow these guys were working for free and they broke up a major terrorist plot. So hats off.

Parents name their kids Harper to falsely signal that they are well-read

My first one is Harper. I think a lot of people are naming their kids Harper. The reason this one makes me mad is it's kind of like a fake I'm really into book's name. I read that book that everyone read in high school [To Kill a Mockingbird], and it was a really good book even though that was the last book I read.

Wikipedia should win every Pulitzer Prize because it contains every book

And the award goes to Wikipedia. How about that? The book edition. Wikipedia is basically every book. So how does Wikipedia not win every single Pulitzer Prize? I don't get it.

Pokemon Go is a microcosm of many things in life because it's about the chase

Here's the deal about Pokemon. And it's kind of a microcosm of a lot of things in your life. I mean, you chase the Pokemon. You throw the ball at the Pokemon. Great catch. Got one or whatever. Look at it in your inventory. Show it to your buddy. And it's like, let's go catch another Pokemon, dude.

Catching a Pokemon for the first time feels exactly like using heroin

You're always chasing that dragon, man. The first time that I caught one [Pokemon], it honestly felt like heroin to me.

Odd Mom Out is the first show by women for guys

[Andy Buckley] said that [Odd Mom Out] is the perfect... it's the first show by women for guys.

Todd Packer is a Mount Rushmore character from The Office

Todd Packer. He's obviously on my mountain. Todd's a guy that would definitely punch some nerds with us because we hate nerds on this show.

Kelly Kapoor is the most underrated character on The Office

I actually am a big Kelly Kapoor guy. I think Kelly Kapoor gets [not] enough credit for being hilarious, especially with her relationship with Ryan. My favorite Kelly Kapoor was when she was like, I'm pregnant, and then they cut to her and she's like [shaking head].

Prison Mike, Date Mike, and Michael Skarn are the three best characters in The Office

I've got Prison Mike as number one. Number two, I've got Date Mike. Nice to meet me. Michael Skarn is my number three.

Holly Flax is a Mount Rushmore character from The Office

I think Holly – Holly Flax. I mean, she was like she was girl, Michael Scott, female Michael Scott.

Jan Levinson became a better and more insane character after her breast augmentation

Fucking Jan was great... I guess [I would take her] post-boob job because she just got even more insane.

Kevin Malone is a Mount Rushmore character from The Office

I think I may go with Kevin Malone specifically when he says, I am going to totally bang Holly.

I belong on the Mount Rushmore of Office characters as David Wallace

Well, I guess I got to go – I mean, should I technically – I guess I got to go with David Wallace.

Ryan Howard was a better character as a temp than as a corporate executive

I like the temp Ryan Howard to corporate. I didn't like him after he came back.

Russell Wilson is overcompensating about having sex on his wedding night

I don't think that Russell Wilson had sex last night. I don't think he had sex on his wedding night. Who has time to have sex on your wedding night? ... I think Russell Wilson's overcompensating a little bit. Like if you get late on your wedding night, who goes out there the next day and is like, I had sex on my wedding night. That doesn't happen.

I cannot stand Justin Verlander's girlfriend, Kate Upton, because she refused to sign an autograph for a girl in a wheelchair

I cannot stand his [Verlander's] girlfriend because of what she did... She was at a game, and she refused to sign autographs for a girl in a wheelchair who was disabled, and it was her birthday because she said, 'I'm not signing.' ... When she got up, I stood up and booed, and the whole section stood up and booed when she left. But Justin Verlander, they got shelled in the next inning.

Russell Wilson's sex with Ciara on their wedding night will be fast and furious because of his long celibacy

Russell has not had sex in a long time. He's not going to be, how shall we put, he's not going to be gentle with you. He's not going to last long. Silver lining. Spin zone. It's going to be fast. It's going to be furious. It's not going to be fun. Russell is going to be having sex like somebody who can get shot at any time.

Rick Reilly is wrong to say a third breast is unappealing; I think there's something attractive about it

To say that there's nothing at all attractive about having a third boob, I'm going to disagree with you [Rick Reilly]. I think that there's something attractive. We could debate this maybe, but it seems like Rick is really going out on a limb by saying that. I think that he's wrong.

Game of Thrones is for nerds and we watch sports instead

Game of Thrones for nerds. We watch sports. You watch your little fantasy land shit. If we're going to call you a nerd, we're going to call you a nerd and you're going to fucking like it... The real nerds are the people that don't watch it.

Ayesha Curry needs to rebrand her image by becoming a 'thot' following the Warriors' loss

You can be like America's chef and be baking the brownies and the scones and stuff when you're winning championships. Now you got knocked off the top of the mountain... You got to climb back up top. That means booty's out for the boys... [Ayesha Curry] needs to become a thot. She needs to switch it up.

Winning a championship would cause the city of Cleveland to lose its fundamental identity

You lose your identity if you're Cleveland if you win a championship.

O.J. Simpson is a guilty man

I have no theories on that stuff. I've stated before, I just think O.J. is a guilty man, and that's it. I think his karma is now that he is in jail.

The Crying Jordan meme has become 'problematic' because it mocks masculine vulnerability

Turns out there's an element of flawed masculinity at play. You have a masculine star who expresses vulnerability, and people simultaneously mock and celebrate that. So you think you're having some harmless fun on the Internet? Turns out you're a sexist, and you're basically saying guys can't cry.

The Spelling Bee stinks now because it tries too hard to be 'millennial-friendly'

I'm a spelling bee purist... I kind of like some of the new stuff that they're doing to try to draw on the millennial. No, they're trying to be too cute. It's too cute. They're having the kids dab. I like the cutthroat. I like the competitiveness. I like the pressure where you know these 12-year-olds, if they get this word wrong, their whole entire life is going to be crushed.

I am the best-looking member of the Ryan family

I'm definitely better looking than Rex. So, yeah, I'm definitely that guy. The long hair, I think, is what makes it.

Drake is a bad musician and generally sucks

Here's a hot take about Drake, but I truly believe this. Drake sucks. Drake is not good... There's nothing good about Drake... Old Drake, before he became a musician, was good [on Degrassi].

Album releases should go back to Tuesdays

Whatever happened in the good old days where you could, like, everybody released their albums on Tuesday. You could prepare yourself mentally, financially, save up enough money where you could go to Best Buy and buy the album on Tuesday. It was a handshake agreement, and it was much better.

The only people to ever make Minnesota cool are Kirby Puckett, Kevin Garnett, and Prince

It's basically the list of people who have made the state of Minnesota cool are like Kirby Puckett, Kevin Garnett, and Prince. That's it.

The pinnacle of celebrity status is when nobody makes jokes about your death on Twitter

That's when you know you've made it. Like, Prince died. Everyone is really sad... Prince is no jokes. There are no jokes. David Bowie was the same way. You don't do jokes when Prince dies. So that's really, like, the pinnacle of celebrity is people don't joke about your death.

The drug option is the best way to survive Coachella as a 30-year-old

If you go to Coachella for the first time as a 31 year old... you either go all the way [becoming a Coachella guy] or you just like totally tune out via the drug option. I think I would go drug option right now.

Friends is the most overrated television show in history

I'll even go out on a limb here and say that friends is the most overrated television show in the history of television.

Coachella is just Burning Man for millennial social media kids

Coachella... It's gotten overrun, like completely blown out by mainstream people. It's burning man for millennial social media kids... where all the teens wear stupid sunglasses and feathers in their hair.

Rage Against the Machine's debut self-titled album is their best

I would go, to be honest, their first album might be the best, to be honest. You don't skip a song on that album. You don't. Yeah, absolutely true. You can just throw it on. It's a perfect workout music.

JJ Watt still manually buys and alphabetizes music on iTunes

JJ Watt would be a guy who buys music still in 2016. Right. He spends $9.99 for every album and he's got like a very careful, everything's in like perfect order on his iTunes alphabetized. He's got the album artwork set up and everything.

If you are going to cheat on someone, you should cheat on Iggy Azalea

If you're going to cheat on somebody, you should cheat on Iggy. But I think that that's one of those relationships that's probably in the public eye. It benefits both of them. It's a symbiotic relationship. I wouldn't think that it's one that's really, like, organic.

Quentin Tarantino thinks he isn't racist because he uses the N-word so frequently in his films

I feel like Tarantino is going down that route where he's like he's used the N word so many times that he's not racist. Like he's one of the good white guys because he's not afraid to use the N word in his like period pieces because he's technically making fun of the racist from those periods.

The Larry Sanders Show 'stank' and Gary Shandling was just a 'media pet'

I'm sorry for Gary Shandling's passing. So he did say sorry, but he did not make me laugh even one... time. And Larry Sanders stank. Strictly a media pet.

I am officially done with Bill Murray

I've reached the point where, like, I'm sick of Bill Murray just showing up to stuff. It used to be for the last five years he would just, like, show up somewhere and you'd be expected to laugh... now it's to the point where, okay, Bill, we get it. Like, you show up places where you're not invited sometimes. I don't think it's fun anymore.

The Chive is responsible for making Bill Murray annoying

The Chive is to blame for like all the stuff that i hate about bill murray... They just wrote, they did tits and ass and then they said, Bill Murray, comma, get it. Now i'm more confident than ever in my Bill Murray take.

The 'Suh Dude' trend is worthy of respect because of its commitment to laziness

Anytime you're too lazy to pronounce the third letter of a word that has three letters in it, that is worthy of a little bit of respect for trying that hard to be so lazy. ... To pronounce and actually speak English to another person is a total try hard move.

The band 311 is one of the top five most overrated bands of all time

In honor of 311, I'm going to talk about overrated bands. And number one on my list is the band 311. ... 311 is the band that your friend in middle school that started smoking weed before everybody got really into. ... The fact is that 311 just sucks. And they have maybe one or two songs that I will not change the radio station to. But overall, I would say that 311 is, even when you're high, 311 is one of the top five most overrated bands of all time.

Oasis is an overrated band because they were just confusing the marketplace by ripping off the Beatles

My one overrated band, I'm going with Oasis because I honestly – you want to talk about copyright infringement? I thought Oasis were the Beatles for a really long time. So I'm saying Oasis. They clearly were trying to rip off the Beatles and make everyone – they were confusing the marketplace. And I don't appreciate that.

Michael Jordan is the worst-dressed rich person in the world

I would say [Jordan] is probably the worst dresser, worst rich dresser in the world... He's worn cargo jeans before. Yeah. That cargo jeans are like, if you're not a Juggalo, you shouldn't be wearing cargo jeans.

Harrison Ford's earring is the most 'try hard' accessory in life

Number two is Harrison Ford. Harrison Ford is a try hard earring. His earring is the most try hard, it's the worst. And, and he, he seems like such a dick too. And like you can't, I can't believe that he has gone this far in life without having somebody say, dude, rip that shit out.