Takes

Johnny Manziel going to the Denver Broncos makes sense

We're the first people that we heard say Johnny Manziel would make sense in Denver. And I think we're now proving it. Von Miller and Johnny Manziel getting their act together together.

Ernie Els six-putting at the Masters is the worst thing a South African person has ever done in history

The bottom line is what Ernie Els did today was probably the worst thing a South African person has ever done... in the history of the world.

I pick the Reds to win the World Series

The Reds are 3-0. You pick them to win the World Series. ... I think it said that we're going to win so many games this year that we can afford to have a really long hashtag.

The UConn women's basketball team would be a 3-5 point favorite over the Philadelphia 76ers

I think that the – well, yeah, [UConn women] are going to win, and I think that the spread against the Sixers, they'd be like three to five-point favorites, depending if it was in UConn or if it was being played in Philly.

Villanova would beat the Philadelphia 76ers

So yeah, I Villanova, I'd take Villanova over the Sixers.

Hammer the Reds as underdogs this year and you will become a millionaire

Hammer the Reds this year. Hammer the Reds. They will be underdogs many, many times. You throw it on the Reds. You take that $10, put it right there. Probably make yourself $20, $17. Then you keep doing it. And hopefully the Reds never lose and you become a millionaire.

I'm just not going to pay my taxes

Probably just not going to do them. [Taxes].

The Reds will finish in second place in the NL Central

Out of the NL Central, I've got the Reds followed up by the Cubs. I don't know. I think the Cubs are going to be a good wildcard team this year... If they come in second place in the division, I'm going to look like the smartest guy in baseball.

I deserve 75% credit for Villanova's NCAA tournament run

I would say I'm going to give myself like 75 percent credit for Nova's run. I don't know if you want to throw, like, 15 to Raleigh Massimino, another 10 to maybe Jay Wright's, like, suits, but 75% is about right for me.

The Saturday Final Four games will go under because players can't shoot in the NRG Stadium dome

I told everyone i think two days ago the unders are going to come in on saturday no one can shoot in the houston [NRG] something or other dome. So take the unders.

90% of NFL players likely have a torn groin by the end of a season

I don't think that a torn groin is like – I'd say 90% of the NFL has a torn groin by the end of the season. I don't think this is anything special.

It's my constitutional duty to be drunk when attending presidential debates

I feel like it's my constitutional duty to be drunk when I'm attending these things like presidential debates. If I'm interviewing Ben Carson about baby Hitler, if I'm talking to Donald Trump about whether or not he's a Muslim because he doesn't drink, I'm very serious about that.

Matt Harvey's bladder infection story will lead to an uptick in SAT scores

What are the long-term ramifications of a big news story about a major league pitcher that doesn't pee enough? And I thought, well, this upcoming SAT season, you're probably going to see a big uptick in the overall scores on SATs because there are going to be a lot more guys that are going to be like, hey, I have to go pee and then go cheat in the bathroom.

Bet the unders for the Final Four because Houston's NRG Stadium is a very bad shooting stadium

Houston is a very, very bad shooting stadium. Very bad. It's in the big dome, the Reliant Energy Center, whatever the hell it's called. I think it went 7-1 unders last year when they played part of the tournament there.

Syracuse is a team of destiny to win the NCAA tournament

I'd probably put it on Syracuse at this point. I think they're a team of destiny. Might as well throw it some long shot odds. Have them win. I think I saw 10 to 1 to win the tournament. That's just two games. That's a nice little payday.

You can pitch for two weeks on a torn ACL

I feel like you could pitch for, like, at least two weeks on a torn ACL... Philip Rivers played a playoff game. People forget that a lot of times. He had a torn ACL... So, like, you're a pitcher. I feel like you should be able to pitch.

Robert Griffin III's career will eventually be ended by a massive staph infection in the Browns' locker room

That is probably the last locker room that you want to be in if you're recovering from like a knee surgery... I could see this going very poorly for [Griffin]. Like he has some minor surgery in the off season and then his career is ended by a massive staph infection.

If Jeff Fisher is fired, he will spend six years on CBS before coaching the Raiders

What will happen to Jeff is if they go like 3-13, if they have fewer than six wins this year, he'll get fired. And then he'll be on CBS for like the next six years pretending to laugh during the pregame show. And then he'll go back to the Raiders or something like that.

Jeff Fisher helped move the Rams to LA specifically to have excuses for poor coaching performance

I am absolutely convinced that Jeff Fisher was instrumental in like moving the entire franchise of the Rams to LA because Jeff knew that once he gets to Los Angeles, he's coming off a big move. He's got some excuses. If things don't go well, he's like, I'm still unpacking my shit... you can't fire him if he just has the cable guy at his house all the time.

True 'Football Guys' don't actually poop because their bodies are too efficient

Real football guys, their bodies operate so efficiently that they—first of all, they don't really eat meals because they're just too busy watching film. They eat like a couple granola bars... their bodies are just so efficient at burning everything, converting everything to energy. They just like—they don't crap. It just all goes right into the muscles or the fat... I don't think that Jeff Fisher can crap his pants because I would submit that Jeff Fisher doesn't crap.

The best way to cure a hangover in Las Vegas is to breathe the oxygen pumped into the casinos

Actually, the best thing to do in Vegas if you're hungover is to go down to the casino and start playing some cards or go to the sports book because they pump oxygen into the casinos. And so if you want to not be tired anymore, just go down there and breathe that thick-ass air, and you'll be okay much faster than if you got an IV.

Hulk Hogan's sex tape was likely a publicity stunt

I find it hard to believe that this wasn't some kind of a stunt where [Hulk Hogan] gave his permission to do this. I don't think the stunt was meant for him to originally bring a lawsuit. I think the stunt was probably so he would get clicks and hits and publicity.

Indiana has found its next long-term head coach in Tom Crean

Has Indiana found its next head coach in Tom Crean? Oh, yeah. Yeah, I think so. I mean, Tom Crean's done a really good job, I think, growing with this particular team. Once he cleaned out some guys over the last summer, yeah, I think they have.

Kansas will win the 2016 National Championship

I thought it was going to be Michigan State and North Kansas. And I like Kansas to win. I liked them before the tournament. I like them now.

Matthew Dellavedova is a better player than Kyrie Irving

Deli is better than Kyrie. How does your starting point guard only have four assists when the team scores 124? Kyrie is more worried about his brand than actually winning. I like this really unathletic, scrappy white point guard more than the all-star black point guard.

LeBron James will announce he is re-signing with the Cavs by re-following them on Twitter

I actually think what's happening is that LeBron unfollowed the Cavs and that when he signs his option... he's going to announce it by refollowing the Cavs. It's such a shitty, like not cool thing to do, but it's so lame that it perfectly fits something that he would think was a good idea.

The controversy between Raymond Moore and Serena Williams was a staged 'work'

I'm thinking that this guy [Raymond Moore] and Serena were in cahoots. And this was like, let's just get a little buzz going... I think this is all – I think it's a work.

Coaches collapse during games for motivation or to avoid accountability

Tony Bennett made the mistake of doing it when his team's up. You're supposed to do it when it's down so that even if you lose, people can't be like, oh, that coach sucks... I think that every single time my team got down big in a big game, I just collapsed... and then if you lose, everyone's like, wow, man, I can't believe like he just collapsed and he kept on coaching.

Ivy League schools shouldn't be allowed to participate in March Madness

All these rich pricks that think they're better than everyone they shouldn't get this experience. No, it's a state school experience only... You fucking Ivy League kids should not get to participate in March Madness.

Cincinnati will beat St. Joe's because they are too big and physical

I think Cincinnati, too big and too physical for St. Joe's. St. Joe's wants to play on the perimeter. Cincinnati will beat you up physically. They're not going to wow you with their jump-shooting ability, but I think they'll be able to get easy buckets. So I like Cincinnati in that game, laying the 2, 2.5.

Chris Jones should be immune to traffic tickets because of his Combine incident

I feel like if you're the guy whose dick broke through his shorts just because he's running too fast you got to get a carte blanche on driving with a suspended license... I've got to side with Chris Jones on this and not the Police Lives Matter crew.

Adam LaRoche's son will be the greatest hot take writer ever because he grew up in locker rooms

Adam LaRoche's kid... he is going to be the best hot take writer of all time. Could you imagine him fighting with like sabermetric nerds? Adam LaRoche's kid, his entire existence is towel whips, like, you know, pranks, guys, you know, calling each other [names]. His entire life is a locker room. I can't wait till he grows up and starts like just throwing his ideas of his worldviews around.

Synthetic turf fields are cancer hotbeds for kids

There have been like five or six goalies that dive too much and get tires up their nose... and they come down with childhood cancer. And like that's, that would affect a lot of people across the United States. If that's true, because we've completely gotten rid of all of our grass fields. And now we've just got these cancer hotbeds.

Woodpeckers prove that concussions aren't real because they don't have CTE

If concussions were real, don't you think that woodpeckers would have a lot of concussions? Don't you think woodpeckers have CTE? All they do is just like headbutt trees all day long.

Villanova is a notorious tournament choker

Villanova's the notorious choker where Jay Wright still has like a three-year deal on his contract with CBS, I think, for the second round to call the games from the studio with those guys. So that's it. Villanova opens up and then Arizona can get by Miami, you know, maybe, maybe Arizona can make a push.

Duke stinks and could easily lose in the first round

And Duke stinks. This could be a year that Duke loses in the first round, which is my favorite year when that happens... No, they have five guys, and only one guy can rebound, and they don't have a bench.

The position parents are in during conception determines their child's athletic ability

I'm not a doctor, but, like, is there a way to tell, like, what position the parents were in when the kid was conceived? ... maybe the Gronkowskis, maybe they've got this stable of just super athletes being poured out of there because, like, maybe [Gordy] and the mom were, like, sprinting in some weird position while the conception occurred.

I would consider playing on a $1 contract to see if I truly love football

I mean, it'd be an interesting experiment to see if I really love football. [A $1 contract]... I've been doing football drills and I've been in the gym ever since I got cut.

I could catch 22 balls in a season as a slot receiver for Tom Brady

I feel like this is like a suggestive knock on one of the greatest slot receivers of all time, Danny Amendola... But I might be able to catch, I'd say, 22 balls.

Chris Long would catch 85 passes in a season from Tom Brady

I think you're selling yourself short because you're extremely humble... I'd put you upwards of like 80, 85.

I'm not betting any over-unders in the NCAA Tournament this year

I've decided that I'm not going to bet any over-unders in the March Madness tournament. I had the realization that I lose all my money just betting overs because that's all I do. I never bet unders.

FGCU (Dunk City) will be a 'dangerous' 16-seed because of their name brand

Dunk City, FGCU, I guarantee you there's going to be some people out there that say, watch out, this team could make some noise because you remember two years ago when they dunked on people. Even though they're going to be a 16 seed, there are going to be people out there that label them as a possible dark horse dangerous team.

Michigan State will be the most-picked non-one seed in Final Fours this year

Michigan State is a non-number one seed that could make some noise. Everyone will pick them in the Final Four now because you don't want to be the guy who goes all number one. So you're like, 'oh, yeah, I didn't go all number ones. I did Michigan State.'

Virginia will win the 2016 National Championship

I think Virginia [is the champion]. They're so tough. I watched them the other night, and obviously they didn't win the ACC championship, but I just think they have a good... they're a team I want to see, either Virginia or Michigan State.

Robert Griffin III should rebrand himself as 'Bobby Griffin' to save his career

I got a new quarterback. He's this kid from Texas. He went to Baylor. He won a Heisman. His name is Bobby Griffin. Tell me that guy's not electric... I think Bobby Griffin gets the juices flowing in a GM's mind because you just need to repackage yourself. I'm not RG3 anymore. I'm Bobby Griffin.

Brock Osweiler is so tall that he will trip a lot in the NFL

Brock Osweiler. He's like six-eight. He's crazy tall, too tall. I feel like he's going to trip a lot in the NFL. Is that crazy?

ESPN should be thanking us for elevating the brands of 'Pardon the Interruption' and 'First Take'

I would say that they should be on their hands and knees thanking us that we're doing more to elevate the Pardon the Interruption and First Take brand, because now they're affiliated with our brand.

Barstool and Disney/ESPN are closer in value than people think

I'm not saying that Disney and Barstool are, like, maybe equal in terms of stock, but we're closer than people think.

We should file a cease and desist against ESPN to stop them from sending us cease and desist letters

I think we can file a motion against their motion... We should file a cease and desist to them to stop sending a cease and desist letters.

We will take down ESPN by replaying recordings of 'Pardon the Interruption' on our podcast feed

Maybe we just do a show and we just replay an entire Pardon the Interruption show. Like that's the whole podcast... This is how we're going to take down ESPN.