Takes

You should never hand someone your phone to show them a picture

You have to be an absolute psycho to hand someone else your phone. You've got to do the holding your phone and scrolling for them. You never give anyone anyone your phone.

Every woman past the age of 22 adds one pillow to her bed every year

I think it's just every woman who gets past the age of 22 decides that every year they're alive, they need to add one pillow to their bed. And then just eventually they end up with an entire house of pillows. And you're not allowed to sleep on them.

A man is most masculine and extra horny when he is asleep

I think technically when a man is asleep, he's the most masculine he can be. So that's like, it gets extra horny. I feel like that's exactly what happens. I think that's just science.

Being the Little Spoon is the superior position because every guy just wants to be cuddled sometimes

Because being Little Spoon is awesome. ... Every now and then, a guy just wants to be cuddled. A guy just wants to feel like the world is a safe place.

Pooping with the door open is an alpha move

I love pooping with the door open. That's a real man thing. Because you have a master of your domain kind of thing. I'm watching over everything while I take a shit.

Morning sex is the best kind of sex, especially in a hotel

I'm going to go on the record. Morning sex is the best sex there is. Hotel sex. In the morning. Ooh. Double threat.

Men and women should never stop grooming their pubic hair

What is the age where it is normal that you stop shaving or waxing your pubes? ... Never is the answer. ... I think you always ... Guys and girls. You got to keep it together down there. I mean, would you let your lawn just go unkempt?

If you need to buy time in a relationship, get a dog instead of a promise ring

What this guy doesn't realize is you don't have to get a promise ring. Get a dog. That's what a dog is. You get the dog, and then that buys you time.

My rule for peeing is that the closest hole available gets the pee

My rule of thumb here is closest hole gets the pee. So whatever hole is closest to you at that moment, you pee right into it.

I pee in the sink in the middle of the night because I know I won't miss

I will pee in the sink in the middle of the night because you know that you aren't going to miss. You know what I mean? You just run the water and just pee in the sink.

Men cheat because they think there is more out there, but they usually realize they love the person they are with

Sometimes as guys, we always think it's more out there in the world for us. And we always have that one person that we really, really care about. But we really don't believe it. But that's the one for us. And we think it's more out there. And we go out there and try to explore. But then we always find ourselves going back to the one that we really love.

Cash is the greatest Christmas gift you can ever give

So the real answer here is cash. All boyfriends want cash. They want cold, hard cash... Cash is the greatest gift you could ever give... When you open up a card, you're expecting cash in there. Put the fucking cash in there.

Most men who appear on The Bachelorette are 'betas'

And most of those dudes [on The Bachelorette] are betas... I tell everybody, if I was on that season, I would have liked Chad... The things that he was saying was pretty true.

Every man in the world farts when they pee in the morning

Every time he pees in the morning, he farts and then laughs to himself. ... Do all guys do this? Yes. Oh, yeah. Absolutely. ... That's how every guy ever wakes up.

Old Coldplay is great, but new Coldplay sucks

Old Coldplay, not new Coldplay. New Coldplay sucks. Old Coldplay fucking [is great].

Men are the persecuted gender because male animals have to bear the burden of looking attractive in nature

Add up all the animals in the world, and we actually are the persecuted animals. Yes. We're the persecuted gender. The male.

Facial hair is an aphrodisiac for women because it shows you can hunt and gather

Facial hair on a man, that is an aphrodisiac for women because it shows that you can provide for a family, you can hunt, you can gather, you can do it all.

Relationships are doomed to fail if one person transfers schools specifically for the other

Your other mistake is transferring schools because anyone who ever transfers for a relationship, that relationship immediately breaks up. That doesn't last.

Road trip snacks like beef jerky and Mountain Dew are superior aphrodisiacs to oysters

Road trip food is the natural aphrodisiac. Get oysters the hell out of here. Give me like that weird salted trail [mix], maybe some Twizzlers, Slim Jims. ... If I smell, when [a woman] walks to the door with a cracker crust peanut butter combo on her breath, I know it's on.

The presence of a dog makes a man significantly more attractive by proving he can keep something alive

[A dog] shows that we can keep another thing alive. It's the paternal instinct. You look at that and you're like, that guy would be a good dad because he's holding an animal and the animal isn't dead yet.

Calling your partner 'mommy' or 'daddy' is technically the sexiest thing you can say

The words daddy and mommy just mean that you've had sex. They're like an honor. When you get knighted, and now you shall arise as sir once you have sex and you procreate, your name's daddy and mommy. So actually, it's technically the sexiest thing you can say.

A woman will lose respect for her boyfriend and likely cheat on him if he skips a 'mancation' for her birthday

I just wouldn't respect a guy if he, like, canceled on his dudes for the weekend. I'm like, I know I own you now. And then I don't respect you and I'm going to cheat on you probably.

Ass-eating season is over and toe-sucking season has returned

Ass-eating's over. I'm calling it. I think toe-sucking season's back. Toe-sucking's back in, guys.

There is nothing a woman can do to make a man happy after a football loss; he only needs a physical fight

I don't think that guys – there's really nothing that a girl can do to make a guy happy after his team loses a football game. The guy just needs to go out and get in a fight. So here's what you do. Just arrange a fight for him.

Rickie Fowler is coming off desperate by liking all 164 of his girlfriend's Instagram posts

Ricky Fowler, who apparently has been liking... He's liked every single one of his girlfriend's Instagram posts. Yes, 164... He's coming off a little desperate. Maybe tone it down.

Steer clear of dating hardcore runners to avoid being forced into a miserable Saturday morning routine

You don't want to get in a relationship with a hardcore runner, because then you're going to be getting up at 6 a.m. on Saturdays. You always see those couples, and they're running, and they have matching outfits, and one of them looks absolutely miserable. One of them's like, I want to kill myself. That's the one that you're going to end up being, so just steer clear of runners.

If a woman has sex with a man once, he will be willing to have sex with her again at any point for the rest of his life

Basically, if you're a girl and you have sex with a guy, at any point for the rest of your life, if you're in the same room as him, you can be like, you want to fuck and he will want to fuck you.

You should only ask a new date to a wedding if it doesn't require a flight and hotel

If [the wedding is] in the city you both live in, then I don't think there's ever a too soon. If it's a flight and a hotel room, you're probably going to want to wait a month or two. Because... one or two months in, that's not a we can poop in front of each other [stage].

Men stay in the bathroom for 45 minutes just to avoid being nagged by their partners

The real answer, to answer your question, female listener, is we spend that much time in the bathroom because that's the only place you can't nag us. We're avoiding you.

A guy who is 'over the top nice' early in a relationship is hiding something

If he's over the top nice, if he's buying you stuff constantly and flowers and writing you cards, he's probably hiding something. Because no guy after three or four dates is going to keep putting in that amount of effort. Or he's too clingy... If he keeps pouring it on, he's probably hiding something. That's a fuckboy.

Rihanna's weight is the business of sports bloggers because she is part of their 'ecosystem' of content

Nowadays, the new hunting for guys is sitting behind computers and blogging about stuff... If you want us to take Rihanna's picture out of the ecosystem that's basically like committing a mass extinction on all the buffalo in the plains. Now we can't go out there and provide for our families. I think the real story here is about the plight of the sports bloggers.

Men only wash their hands after peeing if someone else is in the room

I only wash it when there's someone else in the room that's going to wash it and they look down on you... I was in the bathroom with one of our boss bosses... and it was like, okay, is he going to go? Are you going to go? I wish I had just had the balls to be like, hey, we're guys. Let's just not wash.

If a woman approaches me at a bar, she definitely has a hidden angle

I've conditioned myself to think that if a woman approaches me, she definitely, no matter what she talks about, she has an angle. It does not compute to me that a girl wants to talk to me because she's interested in having a conversation with me.

Getting a cold is the worst thing on earth

Because getting a cold is the worst thing on earth. Because every time I get sick, I'm like, I'm never going to be healthy again. A little dramatic, I admit, but what happens if you actually don't ever get healthy again?