Takes

The Phoenix Coyotes 90s jersey is the worst of all time

And then my four is probably the worst jersey of all time, the Phoenix Coyotes. You remember that one? That was awful. That was the most disgusting jersey I've ever seen in my life.

The New England Patriots current jerseys are awful

I'm going to go with the Patriots jersey... No offense, Hank, but I think the Patriots, for being such a great team, have had awful jerseys for the last 20 years.

Mark Zuckerberg wears the same clothes every day as a 'nerd shield'

My number one [nerd] is Mark Zuckerberg. Big time nerd. You know he's a nerd for a lot of reasons, but the fact that he just can't ever stop wearing the same clothes, he's just like, that's his defense mechanism. It's a little shield. Nerd shield.

Using an Android phone makes you a huge nerd compared to using an iPhone

He's not an iPhone guy. That's a huge nerd. Huge nerd. Like, well, all of China doesn't use an iPhone. They use Androids. Actually, the Android operating system is superior. It moves faster. I don't care that I make all my friends hate me because they have to text in green bubbles.

Honey Nut Cheerios are the greatest cereal of all time

I've got a great value pick at number two: Honey Nut Cheerios. I think they're the goat. I'm just gonna say that... you forget the bee puts his honey in there for you.

Apple Jacks milk is the best leftover cereal milk on the list

Cinnamon Toast Crunch and Apple Jacks are both not only good cereals, but the milk in the cereal bowl after the cereal's gone is better than any other cereal on the list.

Mitchell Trubisky should start immediately rather than sitting

Normally, you want to sit a rookie quarterback if he needs to fix his footwork or fix his throwing motion... But Trubisky's got good feet. He reacts to pressure well... I would play him so he can learn. He's got good accuracy. He's a good athlete. He's really poised. He can go through reads. And I'd happily take him as a starter.

Aaron Rodgers is the best quarterback in the NFL

Well, I think the obvious one is Aaron Rodgers... [His struggles were because] His wide receivers can't catch the ball. Devontae Adams can't get open. Jordy Nelson couldn't move because he was coming off an ACL tear.

Curling is chess on ice and is a perfect mix of brain and brawn

It's chess on ice. It's a perfect mix of brain and brawn, and yeah, it's fantastic. The sweeping is incredibly taxing.

Owning a dog and having a child are essentially the same thing

Owning a dog and a kid, same thing. Yeah, for example, sometimes my dog, he sleeps in really, really late, and I have to wake him up to take him outside to use the restroom. ... Stella's taken care of all day [by a walker], just like your baby.

99% of office meetings could be solved with a text thread

I would say that 99% of meetings in general could just be solved with a text thread.

Meditating is a top-four way to cool down in the summer

My last one is just meditating. Meditate... when I said meditating, I meant cool down like when you get hot in an argument. Like when you ever get in a really big argument. You need to take a deep breath.

Laying on the bathroom floor is the greatest feeling when you have the spins

This is actually more for when you have the spins, but it still is the greatest thing in the world. Just laying down on the bathroom floor... There's actually no better feeling in the world. It's great. When you're hot, when you're drunk, when you have the spins.

Zing Zang is the only acceptable Bloody Mary mix

The things I hate the most about bars, number one, when they make their own Bloody Mary mix instead of using Zing Zang. Because Zing Zang... It's the perfected Bloody Mary mix. There's no topping it. It's perfect all around.

Bar farters are a major societal problem

Number one, I have a longstanding issue with it. Bar farters, anyone who farts in a bar, because they know they have the masses to hide behind. I think it's bullshit when you're walking through a bar and boom, it smells like someone just took a shit on the floor.

The best way to enjoy a lake is to float in the middle with a life jacket and five beers

I like to just put on a life jacket and just sit in the middle of the lake and just drink beers, drink like five beers while I pee and just do nothing else. So you just sit there. It's great. You get all your friends just sitting there doing nothing.

Nick Saban's resting heart rate is just 'angry'

Nick Saban, because Nick Saban, he's like a volcano that only erupts every now and then. But when it does, and Nick Saban, you get the added bonus where he yells at his coaches... His resting heart rate is angry.

60s and 70s rock was specifically made to be listened to in a car on the highway

Bands in the late 60s and 70s made all of their music so that it sounded beautiful in a car going 75 miles on the highway.

Wikipedia is the greatest website of all time

My number one is Wikipedia. The best website of all time. I don't think I even need to explain it. We have a Wikipedia club.

Madison Square Garden is the best place to play in the NBA

My number one pick, my favorite city always to visit is New York. The Garden is one of the most fun places to play. Just the energy, even when they're not as good or even if they have more hype. It's always a good crowd, great city.

Indianapolis is a top-tier walkable and 'scootable' sports city

I have never had a bad time in the city of Indianapolis. It's a very walkable city... I hate DUIs even more [than walking]. It's a very scootable city. If you have a scooter, it's easy to get around.

Mike Brady is a beta male for raising kids that aren't his

Mike Brady [is] raising somebody else's kids. He's got to pay for all their education and their trips to Disney World. Those weren't even his kids. He's not a real man. He's a beta male. He's stuck paying for an alpha male's problem.

Michael Jordan is the GOAT

Michael Jordan. The GOAT.

Cell phone and cable companies are the best businesses because customers are ignorant but need the product

There are two businesses that you really should be in... the cell phone business and in the cable business. Because when you are in a business where the customers don't understand what it's all about, what the bills are all about, but they need it, what better business could that be?

The 'full sock overhaul' is a life-changing hack where you throw out all socks and buy 60 identical pairs

I did this a couple years ago. It changed my entire life... I called it a full sock overhaul. And I threw out all my socks, and I went and I bought the exact same pair of socks. I bought like 60 of them. So that way you can never actually lose one.

The Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade is the most overrated thing in the world

Macy's Thanksgiving Parade is the most overrated thing in the entire world. Even more overrated than the show Friends. It is the worst. I hate it.

Bristol, Connecticut is the worst city in the United States

Bristol, Connecticut. I'm not saying that because of ESPN. I'm saying that because I've actually been to Bristol. If you look at TripAdvisor's top ten things to do in Bristol... one is a water park... and then three out of the other top four are like a museum of clocks. A clock museum... And then another one is the Museum of Fire.

Starkville, Mississippi is one of the worst cities in America

Starkville, Mississippi. We went in the Dixie tour... I'm sure [Stingray Steve] agrees with me because literally all there is is a strip of fast food restaurants. Like, that's their nightlife. Bars closed at 12. We showed up there, and everyone on our bus got pink eye.

Las Vegas is a terrible city after the first 36 hours

Las Vegas. I fucking hate Las Vegas. Las Vegas is a great city to visit the first time you visit for the first day and a half that you're here. And then you realize that it's basically a mix of New Year's Eve and a cruise ship. And no one wants to be on either of those things.

Pigs in a blanket are the best finger food and appetizer available

I also think that pigs in a blanket get a bad rap. I think people try to be really classy at their weddings these days and they don't do pigs in a blanket. We need to like rebrand pigs in a blanket to bring them back because they're the best finger food and appetizer out there.

Crab cakes are better with 75% filler rather than lump meat

I like the filler. ... Exactly. I want 75% filler in my crab cakes. ... Have you ever tried to eat like a 95% crab meat crab cake? Oh, it's disgusting. It's like eating a can of tuna fish.

90% of Spanakopita is inedible because it's too dry

Spanakopita can be really, really dry. Like 90% of the time, it's almost inedible because it's super dry.

I want the Fox NFL Sunday injury music played at my funeral

I actually said a couple of years ago, I want that song [Fox NFL Sunday injury music] played at my funeral... seriously... if I'm dead, you guys are going to die too.

Falling asleep on strangers during transit is a power move

Falling asleep on strangers is absolutely a power move. Big transit sleeper, yep.

Winking at men is a high-level power move

And then finally, winking at men. Yeah, winking's good. It's like winking when you introduce yourself to somebody. That's a sweet move.

Les Miles eating grass makes him a true 'Football Guy'

My first one was Les Miles. Any guy who actually wants to eat the grass of a football field, that's a football guy.

Andy Reid's fupa belt is the worst look for anyone but a football coach

He puts that like right in the middle of his waist. And it's just an awful, awful look for anyone but a football coach.

Jared Lorenzen is a Mount Rushmore backup quarterback

Friend of the program, Jared Lorenzen. Yes. Has a Super Bowl ring. People forget that.

Jeff Garcia is the quintessential emergency backup quarterback

Jeff Garcia. Oh, man. Dude, he was one of those guys where if your quarterback got injured in the preseason – It could be like five years after Garcia retired. You're going to make a call to Garcia's agent. He's a name that should get thrown around a lot more.

Mayonnaise is a great condiment that needs to be destigmatized.

Mayo doesn't get enough respect... If there's one thing I want to bring back in this world, it's the destigmatization... it's that mayo is a great condiment and people should not be ashamed to use it.

The best 'sauce' is dipping fries into a Wendy's chocolate frosty.

The chocolate frosties from Wendy's. Dip fries in a chocolate frosty. That's the best sauce there is.

Ketchup is a trash condiment.

Ketchup's trash, man.

The planet would be better off without mosquitoes

Number one, mosquitoes. I don't know what part of the ecosystem mosquitoes fits into, but you can't convince me that the planet wouldn't be better without mosquitoes.

Anyone who owns a ferret is probably a murderer

Ferrets. Because anyone who owns a ferret is probably a murderer, and that's just like pre-crime. We basically created pre-crime by getting rid of ferrets.

God from the Old Testament is a top-tier bad guy

So I'll segue right from there into my number three which is God, God from the Old Testament. Kind of a bad guy. Threw a lot of stuff at people. People forget that. That God was kind of a hard ass.

Tom Brady is a bad guy

Number four on my Mount Rushmore of bad guys. Tom Brady. [Belichick] never got suspended. True. He only got fined.

Jumping off a bridge into water is the best hangover cure

First one, jumping off a bridge. Like jumping off a bridge into water. You get an adrenaline rush, and then you get the water, and then once you're in the ocean, then you're unhungover.

White Gatorade is the best Gatorade flavor

Favorite Gatorade flavors. I'm going... The white flavor, number one. Are you kidding me? Love the white flavor. So the white one, I think you guys are sleeping on that.

Synergy is the best filler word for office life and will lead to promotions

When you're in the office, use synergy as a filler word. You'll probably get promoted four times before Christmas.

Parents name their kids Harper to falsely signal that they are well-read

My first one is Harper. I think a lot of people are naming their kids Harper. The reason this one makes me mad is it's kind of like a fake I'm really into book's name. I read that book that everyone read in high school [To Kill a Mockingbird], and it was a really good book even though that was the last book I read.