Takes

Tim Tebow is a 'Trojan Horse' who will eventually play quarterback for the Jaguars

I think Tim Tebow is kind of a Trojan horse deal. I think he might end up playing quarterback. because if you saw the handshake that he put on the other guy, that is a quarterback's handshake. flalessly executed. Tim Tebow, I think, is going to... If I were Trevor Lawrence, I would sleep very cautiously.

I could defeat a bald eagle in a fight by grabbing it and slamming it on the ground.

The move would be to jump up in the air and to grab it like you're mossing nature. And you just grab it and then you slam it on the ground. Smother it... while it's trying to do that, just boom, stamp him on his head.

Tim Tebow signing with the Jaguars is a 'big joke' and he can't play tight end

This is an interesting signing, and it's a stupid signing. And I will absolutely say that this is a big joke because he can't play. He couldn't play quarterback. He was a terrible quarterback. He hasn't played since 2012. He's going to be 34 years old, and he has no suddenness to his game. He can't play tight end.

The NBA should make dunks worth three points to fix the league's geometry

I actually think the NBA is going to have to adopt that dunks being worth three in order to change the geometry of what's happening in the NBA right now. First and foremost is you have to stop people from attacking the rim, right?

MMA fighters should start wearing shin guards in professional fights

They should make the shin kicks illegal. Or make them wear shin guards like they do in other MMA sports... I think literally guys are just kicking so hard the shin can't evolve fast enough.

The Cleveland Browns are my pick to win the Super Bowl because they have three former #1 overall picks

The Browns are now officially, if I had to pick a Super Bowl winner today, it would be the Browns just because they have three number one overall picks in the last five years. ... Miles Garrett, Baker Mayfield, and Clowney. ... That right there just tells me from my own draft analysis, that's the greatest team that's ever been created.

24-hour news networks should be tried for treason for dividing the country

I am a firm believer that there should no longer be 24-hour news networks because just the sheer panic of having to fill up all that time. I just find that CNN and Fox News, they should be tried for treason. All they do is divide the locker room.

Gonzaga will never win a National Title

So, all right, to put a bow on it, Gonzaga will never win a title. I mean, they didn't play against a single ranked team in the entire year of 2021... The WCC is a – it's Mickey Mouse. That's right. It is a Mickey Mouse league.

Major colleges shorten their tracks to fake faster 40-yard dash times during Pro Days

I think that the major programs out there are making a section of their practice fields where the hash marks are slightly closer together. So the place where they have them run the 40-yard dashes at their own pro days, it's actually slightly less than 40 yards, which would make them time out better.

Creighton will upset #1 overall seed Gonzaga in the Sweet 16

I think they're [Gonzaga] getting upset. Yep. Against Creighton? Yep. With the P-word [Greg McDermott's plantation comment]? Yep.

If I become president, I will immediately ban any food that causes health conditions

If I become president, it's going to be an immediate change. I'm talking about a strong change. I'm going to start with food. I'm going to make sure any kind of food that I know draw any kind of health conditions, I'm just literally going to abominate it. I'm not going to ask for laws. I'm not going to ask for nothing. I'm literally going to just abominate them.

If I get into a fight, I would be charged with murder because my hands are registered weapons

I got legal hands, I can't fight anybody. No seriously, like legally I'd get murder not manslaughter if I get into a fight with someone... because I was registered in a professional boxing match.

Duke should look at firing Coach K right now

Over 30,000 people want Coach K fired. So I put up a poll when they were getting the shit kicked out of him by UNC. I said, should Coach K retire after this game or after the ACC tournament? ... I would look very hard at firing Coach K if I was Duke right now.

The new Space Jam movie isn't worth seeing because Lola Bunny is no longer 'thick.'

Lola Bunny is no longer thick. It sucks... I don't think I'm going to go see the new Space Jam. If I can't get aroused to a cartoon character in a movie about basketball, then I don't think it's worth my money buying a ticket.

Unpaid internships shouldn't be abolished because there are government grants available for them.

What I was trying to say is that there's you can't get we can't get rid of unpaid internships... There's plenty of search engines to find funding and scholarships for unpaid internships that you can qualify for, especially underrepresented... You don't get paid from the employer, but you can get grants so you can take those.

There's an outside chance Russell Wilson gets traded to the Bears

As we speak, I think there's an outside chance that Russell Wilson could go there [Chicago]. That would be a huge pickup... That would change the dynamics big time.

No college basketball team will ever win back-to-back national championships again

Back-to-back championships. They'll never be done again.

The only way to sustain Super Bowl runs in the NFL is to funnel money through a quarterback's side business

The only way you can do that [sustain Super Bowl runs] is if your star quarterback has an alleged money laundering operation that's taking place as his company behind the scenes that you can funnel money to instead of spending cap hits on that.

Darren Rovell should have to delete his Twitter account forever if I beat him in a fight

I will kick his ass. If he agrees to delete his Twitter account, I want to wipe them off the face of the internet. I feel like I am, I'm fighting for not just myself, but everybody that's had to wake up to Darren Rovell, tweeting out a video in 4k of JFK getting his skull blown off.

I am going to buy an albino cobra

Bro, I went down to Florida, and I'm about to buy an albino cobra. ... Dude, they can ship it. ... [I'm] not going to bring COVID back [to the office].

I am going to 'skull fuck' Jose Canseco in our fight

I'm going to skull fuck him. ... I'm absolutely going to skull fuck him. No doubt. He's tiny. I mean, yeah, he looks big. He's 270 pounds. But I just care about the frame. He has a smaller frame than I thought.

I will 'wipe Jose Canseco off the face of the earth' and force him to retire from public life

If I beat up Jose Canseco and he loses his fight, I don't see how he can even show his face in public again. So I'm literally wiping him off the face of the earth. We're never going to hear from him again.

I will never wrestle another match in my life

I'll never wrestle another match in my life... I'll say it. I'm done. Never's a long time [but] no, it ain't worth it... I got the wrestling bug out of my system.

Drew Brees is the most washed player in NFL history

Drew Brees... I probably think he's the most washed person of all time.

The Browns are a team of destiny because the Super Bowl is the anniversary of their mascot dog Swagger's death

I got a little sliver of hope for Browns fans. And that's that you are a team of destiny... the Super Bowl is being on the one-year anniversary of Swagger's death. Their dog died a year ago on the exact date of the Super Bowl... Swagger one laid the foundation for Swagger two to come in and turn the Browns into a winning team. One year later, I feel like they get that team of destiny vibe.

Kliff Kingsbury is a failure who has succeeded solely because he is attractive

Kliff Kingsbury. Are we sure he's good? It's kind of amazing when you look back at Kliff Kingsbury's entire resume and you realize like, oh, attractive people do really run this world. If you are a good looking guy and you can walk into a meeting and wow someone, you can fail upwards all the way. Kliff Kingsbury was 35 and 40 as the head coach at Texas Tech. He had two winning seasons out of six... Kliff Kingsbury, not very good.

Michael Thomas is purposely avoiding playing with Drew Brees

I have a new saints theory. I think Michael Thomas hates Drew Brees. He was on the IR when Drew Brees was healthy. Drew Brees gets hurt, he plays. Drew Brees comes back, he goes right back on the IR. I think he's trying to avoid Drew Brees. I think he's trying to avoid him.

Cody Parkey will miss a big kick in a playoff game and ruin the Browns' season

Cody Parkey will fuck you in the face. If the Browns make the playoffs, there is no sure bet in the entire world, then Cody Parkey doing this to the Browns. Cody Parkey will miss the big kick in a playoff game for the Browns and the Browns we'll have no one to blame, but themselves because everyone has alerted you.

Bill Belichick might lose to the Jets on purpose to block them from Trevor Lawrence

Is there any way that Belichick would lose intentionally to the Jets? [to keep Trevor Lawrence out of the division]... I would absolutely see Belichick doing that to keep Trevor Lawrence out of the division. That would be incredible.

The NFC East might get three teams into the playoffs

I crunched numbers... I went on the ESPN playoff machine for like an hour until I got the equation right. And if Tampa Bay ties the Vikings this week, then the Eagles could also get in... We might get three teams in [the playoffs] Big Cat.

The Cleveland Browns can win the Super Bowl if they play like they did today

These Cleveland Browns, and when I say these, I mean the Cleveland Browns that we saw today, these Cleveland Browns can win the Super Bowl. They're not going to play like this... That was the funnest half of football that I've seen all year from any team.

The Steelers should lose to the Washington Football Team to reset their season

So that means that they should lose this game against the Washington football team. I actually think that they should try to lose a game just so that everyone can be down on them and then they can come back and be like, fuck you, revenge tour in the playoffs.

Carson Wentz should fake a knee injury to preserve his career and sit out the rest of the season

If I were Carson Wentz, I would just fake an injury right now. I'd take the coward's way out... and be like, oh, my knee, it hurts. Oh, I have COVID. Oh, I got to sit out. And just... be like, next year we'll start fresh... just do a full flush, fake knee injury.

I would have 'form tackled' Derrick Henry if we played against each other

I told him that had he and I played against each other, I would have formed tackled him... When I really told him that he would have never done me like Josh Norman. Because we would have never got in that situation.

UConn is a blue-blood mid-major

UConn is the only blue-blood mid-major we have in college basketball. I think that's what's so unique about them. They are simultaneously a blue blood, but also a mid-major.

No NFL quarterback wearing a visor will ever win a Super Bowl

My second hot take was, I don't think that quarterbacks with visors will win a Super Bowl ever. Has a quarterback with a visor won a Super Bowl ever?

The Giants are better without Saquon Barkley

So what you're basically saying is that the Giants are better without Saquon Barkley. Yes. I forgot he existed. I legit, before you said that word, holy shit... with those two guys' [Gallman/Morris] skill sets, it's actually a plus improvement over losing Saquon Barkley.

HP has the worst customer service in the human race

I prepared on my Twitter account this morning thing that says about HP the worst cutting height I put him in quotations—customer service the worst in the human race. Whoa. And I could hurt so many people.

I would give up a pinky for the Bears to win a Super Bowl

Would you give up a pinky for the Bears to win a Super Bowl? Yeah, probably I would... but I don't want to have that fun taken away. Like, why would I do that to myself?

You are a pussy if you put a case on your phone

No case gang for life. You're a pussy if you put a case on your phone. No, my phone works... Every time I touch this phone metal on skin baby and every time I drop it, it's adrenaline coursing through my veins... I was no case gang for life.

Bats can predict the future using echolocation

Bats can actually see into the future because they predict where the inset... They've gotten so good at using echolocation, they can predict where an insect is going by processing the spatial information... So they can predict the future.

Clemson could beat the Jets if the Jets had mono

Do you think that Clemson could beat the Jets if they all had mono? Yeah, I agree. [If] Trevor Lawrence has mono and just straight up against Alabama... If Clemson like kills both all the quarterbacks that are listed for the game then they have a chance.

Andy Dalton is a better quarterback than Dak Prescott because his limitations force the team to play better

I'm going to let's just take it one step further and say that Andy Dalton is a better quarterback than Dak Prescott. ... he's better because he's worse. So the team has to play more cohesively and I have to scheme for Andy Dalton. I can't just coast on Dak's talent anymore.

I will tattoo Drew Brees' career touchdown total on my arm if the Saints make the Super Bowl

If The New Orleans Saints get to the Super Bowl. I will tattoo the final number of Drew Brees touchdowns for his career somewhere in my arm.

I am developing an app to crowdsource the 'vibe' and gender ratio of bars in real-time

I have developed an idea for a Marketplace that will get information from producers to consumers in The Nightlife and entertainment industry. It would crowdsource information real time from people on the street going to a bar or a restaurant... You basically just get demographics to go where you want... how many dudes are at the bar right now?

The Heat will win the NBA Finals in seven games

They did not [win Game 4]. However, they're going to win the series in seven games.

We will see a 70-yard field goal in the NFL this season

I think we're gonna see a 70 yard field goal. I wouldn't be surprised if is this year... Whoo. Okay, I like that... the way Butker hit that 58 that that had another 10 on it.

Tesla for Tables: A self-leveling table technology

Tesla for tables... the table itself feels the surface around it and then adjusts so that there's never any wobble... every restaurant I go to has a set of wobbly table. All those tables wobble.

Kim Jong-un faked his coma to test the loyalty of his inner circle

Kim Jong-un is back from the coma... His sister has now disappeared. So I think that he did a little switch to make sure to see who's loyal to him.

Messi is better than Ronaldo because he is better at cheating on his taxes

Messi is probably got like a billion... He's better at shooting us, he got away with cheating on taxes for longer than Ronaldo did. Rinaldo you bitch. Messy has one, two, three, four, five, six golden boots. Count the booties.